The cleverest insult you've ever heard/thought of Page 2

30 years ago in a pub, me and a friend were vying for the same girls attention.

He was a really good looking lad but had terrible teeth.

He said to me ' I think I am in there - she definitely fancies me'
I replied 'Why would she fancy you when you have teeth like a row of burnt chips'
It stopped him dead. His eyes filled up and he turned and left the pub.

My other friends really chastised me for being so cruel - but they did laugh too.

I learned that Monday morning he went to the dentist and had them fixed.

I know it was horrid - but it did him a favour too, didn't it?

Oh, and I got the girl

A few days after shaving my head for the first time, my mate ran his hand over it and said "Feels like my wife's fanny". I felt my head and said "Nah, your wife's fanny's miles hairier." Cue lots of laughs from friends and me being a smug baldy.

Years later I read a similar joke on the internet and I secretly like to think it was born on that night in the mid-90s. Well not-so-secretly now, obviously.

Oh another that I was reminded of in the long dark ages ago

I was working in an office and noticed two employees were always playing one-upmanship with each other.

One said 'anyway, you might not have a job much longer, you will be replaced by a silicone chip'
The other said - You will be replaced by a potato chip