Hi guys,
Written a spoof screenplay. Don't scream!
Not everyone's cup of tea, but there we are. I won't post the whole 91 pages (only 10). But, if you like spoof films, or are interested in rotting your mind, I would really appreciate some feedback. But, I understand people may not wanna touch this with a ten foot poll. Anyway....
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A black screen. White words appear letter-by-letter. Courier font.
SFX: Typewriter.
ON SCREEN TEXT
PLEASE NOTE:
(pause)
All persons and events portrayed in this film are entirely fictional.
(pause)
Despite pretences to the contrary.
(pause)
You can tell by the studio logo at the end.
(pause)
However, if the scenes contained herein seem familiar,
(pause)
that is because we have ripped off several motion pictures.
(pause)
Don't tell.
(pause)
Also,
(pause)
If you haven't seen "Paranormal Activity",
(pause)
Leave now,
(pause)
'cos we're gonna completely ruin the plot for you.
(pause)
Usher:
(pause)
Bar all the exits.
SFX: Door locking heavily.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
PSYCHIC
And you must be the beautiful hostess, Keileigh.
KATIE
Katie.
PSYCHIC looks at a little piece of card.
PSYCHIC
Yes. Katie.
KATIE smiles and shakes his hand.
KATIE
How did you know!?
PSYCHIC
"Psychic" by name, "psychic" by trade... I mean, my name's actually Barry. Barry P. Stevens.
MIQA
"P" for "Psychic"?
PSYCHIC
Percy.
*~*~~*~*~*~~*~*~**~
PSYCHIC (cont.)
My whole career has been based on dealing with ghosts. Did you hear about the-
The screen turns black. The words "SPOILER WARNING!!" flash up for a few moments.
PSYCHIC (OOS)
What the f**k?
The screen returns to normal.
PSYCHIC
Yeah, so as I was saying. Did you ever hear about the case of Doctor Malcolm Crowe and his friend, the little boy Haley Joel Osment - I mean Cole Sear?
KATIE
No.
PSYCHIC
Well, basically (pause) it's really famous, so go find out about it sometime.
KATIE
In the library?
PSYCHIC
Blockbuster, HMV...
The screen turns black.
PSYCHIC (OOS)
What the f**k is this? Do you two pay your electricity bills?
KATIE (OOS)
Sorry!
Text flashes up on the screen for a few moments.
CAPTION
Haha! Gotcha! We wouldn't ruin the plot of Sixth Sense by telling you that he's dead all along. Oh shit.
The black screen and text disappears again. PSYCHIC looks around suspiciously.
*~*~*~~*~*~**~~**~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*
CUT TO: MIQA and KATIE sitting downstairs on the sofa. KATIE is nervously checking her watch. The doorbell rings. She jumps from her seat to open the door.
It's PSYCHIC. He's dressed in a smart dinner suit. An enormous bunch of flowers in his right hand.
PSYCHIC
Hello, honey. Glad you finally decided to leave that joke, Miqa.
MIQA
Hi Doc.
PSYCHIC
Oh, err, hi. (pause) I seem to have slightly misread this situation. No worries. I'm always up for a little manàge-a-threesome.
KATIE
Doctor! We need your help! Please, this thing's getting worse.
A wind sweeps through the living room, the PSYCHIC struggles to stay on his feet. The windows rattle. A thunder crack. An extra-terrestrial "grey" wanders across the living room, pauses and smiles for the camera, then walks out of shot.
PSYCHIC
Yes, I can certainly sense some interesting vibrations in the quantum.. flux.. drive.
MIQA
This is no time for the Star Trek shit, nigga! Tell us what to do!?
The wind roars through the living room, sweeping the flowers from his hand and shredding them to bits. They spell out "F**k off, Psychic!" on the floor.
PSYCHIC
Yes, well. I think I must be going.
MIQA's holding a tennis racquet and has white sweat bands on his forehead and wrist.
MIQA
You cannot be serious!
KATIE
You have to stay! We need you!
PSYCIC edges towards the door.
PSYCHIC
Yeah, y'see, I got a Master's in Pyschic-ology, Mindreading, and Advanced ESP. I'm not a qualified and registered exorcist.
MIQA
So what? Just exorcise us!
PSYCHIC
Yeah.. that would be unethical. I would in all likelihood get struck off.
MIQA and KATIE look at each other in shock and horror.
PSYCHIC
I'll be in touch.
*~*~*~~*~*~**~~**~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*The doorbell rings. MIQA goes to answer it. It's a DELIVERY MAN.
MIQA
Hello?
DELIVERY MAN
Yep. Got a delivery for a Mister Mon.
MIQA
Who?
DELIVERY MAN
A Mister Mon. D. E. Mon.
MIQA
D. E. Mon. Who could that be? Aunty Charlotte, maybe?
KATIE
Oh my God! Don't you get it?
MIQA
What?
KATIE
D. E. Mon. DEE Mon. Demon.
MIQA
Hmm?
KATIE
Demon! Demon!!
MIQA shakes his head. He doesn't get it.
KATIE
God! I dunno why I'm with you, Miqa. Sure, you're hot and foreign-looking, which makes all my girlfriends jealous, but man!
DELIVERY MAN
So where do you want these one hundred and thirty seven faux-pine wardrobes then?
KATIE
A hundred and thirty-seven?
MIQA
It's death by DIY. What kind of sick demon...?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
INT. BEDROOM. NIGHT.
MIQA and KATIE in bed. MIQA turns the bedside lamp off.
KATIE
No, Miqa.
MIQA
What?
KATIE
Please. I don't want to go to sleep yet. I'm scared. Can we just watch a film for a bit?
MIQA
Sure babe.
He hugs and kisses her.
INT. KITCHEN. DAY.
A kindly OLD LADY is making lemonade. The sun shines brightly outside, and the birds are singing. She's humming to herself joyfully. She tosses a lemon husk into the sink.
SFX: whirring and slicing of the waste disposal unit.
The OLD LADY's eye catches her window box. She takes the time to sniff one of the flowers, breathing its flavour in deeply. She continues to chop the lemons. Suddenly, she stops. Her eyes become glazed and seem faraway. She raises the knife into view: it glints in the sunlight. At once, she plunges her head into the sink.
SFX: whirring and slicing of the waste disposal unit. Shorn silver hair flies everywhere.
INT. INDIAN RESTAURANT. DAY.
A MAN is sitting opposite his GIRLFRIEND in an Indian restaurant. The WAITER arrives and places their order on the table in front of them. The curtain rustles slightly from the breeze outside. The man looks at his GIRLFRIEND's dress: it has a floral pattern. He sniffs a few times. Suddenly, a faraway expression comes over him, his eyes glaze over. He starts to mercilessly munch chilli after chilli.
GIRLFRIEND
My God, Darling! Darling? Stop! Stop!!
He continues to hungrily consume chilli after chilli in quick succession.
WAITER (OOS)
Oh my God! Someone stop him!
But no one can. He keels over and dies from massive chilli over-consumption.
SFX: enormous wet fart.
GIRLFRIEND screams.
EXT. FIELD. DAY.
A GROUP of people run around a field like drugged up headless chickens bumping into each other and falling over.
The LEADER of the pack looks like he's missing a chromosome or two.
LEADER
We've got to outrun the wind!!
We see a leaf move slightly on a nearby tree.
LEADER
Arrrgh!!!
Suddenly, he becomes calm, a faraway look in his glazed over eyes.
SFX: Zhmmm!
LEADER has been fired head-first into a tree. His body is rigid and sticks out vertically, his head is buried on the inside of the tree.
WOMAN (OOS) screams.
CUT TO: KATIE and MIQA in bed.
KATIE
What's happening?
MIQA shakes his head.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Two hyperactive, twitchy presenters, clones of each other, are bouncing about. Their eyeballs move with independent will. They possess a medley of regional accents randomly spliced together.
CLONE 1
Ooh, aye, an' what's yourrr name?
CLONE 2
Ooh, aye, ooh aye.
They are speaking to a grossly hairy, hunched back freak, YETI. Something like a low-budget version of a Jim Henson creation. Think LUDO from Labyrinth, but much much shitter. He speaks in slow, deep, mournful tones.
YETI
Nnnngh. Me Yeti.
CLONE 1
An' er, wotsya, wotsya, an' er, wotsya?
YETI
Nggh.
CLONE 2
An' yer life, like, whit's tae, ya know, ya doin' man?
YETI
Yeti never have job. But Yeti look much time.
CLONE 1
Ooh aye, wotcha drongo tie me kangaroo down Zummerset ettles wi' me, like!
YETI
Woman never kiss Yeti. One day maybe...
CLONE 2
Oo, err, aye. Well, err, well, err, well, err. Aye!
CLONE 1
Aye, thass right. I mean, reet. Sae what you gonna git up to fer larks tonight, geezer ?
YETI
Secret!!
CLONE 1
Ooh.
CUT TO: YETI walking onto a stage. An Effeminate man in a black shirt nearby. This is STRAIGHT JUDGE.
STRAIGHT JUDGE
Ssso, what are you going to thrill us with tonight, ducky?
YETI
Tonight, Matthew, YETI be... mathemagician.
STRAIGHT JUDGE
Sssounds sssuperrb, darling. Good luck!
YETI releases a deep rumbling growl from his bowls.
CUT AWAY: some crowd members snigger, shake their heads derisively.
Pregnant pause.
YETI
Three point one four one five nine-
YETI is speaking in a perfectly crisp, polished, RP accent.
CUT AWAY: random members of the audience are in total shock. Jaws open. One man's jaw actually falls off. Some are banging their heads off the seats. One person's head bursts open this way. They're smiling, grinning. STRAIGHT JUDGE shakes his head and begins to clap his hands in amazement.
CLONE 1
(into camera)
You wisnae expectin' that, wos ya blud?
CLONE 2
Aye!
YETI (cont.)
Two six five three five eight nine seven
CUT AWAY: some poor lass has been moved to tears. Her tears drown the person sitting next to her.
YETI (cont.)
Nine three two three eight four six two
CUT AWAY: STRAIGHT JUDGE rises to his feet and begins to applaud. Soon, almost the whole audience is applauding.
YETI (cont.)
Six four three three eight three two seven-
YETI's voice has now been completely drowned out by the roar of applause.
MIQA looks at the video's views count: sixty three billion.
MIQA
If it wasn't so ugly no one would've cared.
