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Any Advice Before 7pm Tonight ?????
At this late stage I'm not going to suggest any changes to material, but what you can do is rehearse, rehearse, rehearse, make sure you know this "script" backwards as your mind may well decide to go blank as soon as you get on stage.
Otherwise, 90% of stand up comedy is a big confidence trick, look like you belong on stage and people will believe you are a stand up comedian. Never say you're not a comedian, don't admit to having another job (make sure any anecdotes/jokes about other jobs are in the past).
Take your time, most beginners rush, so make sure you slow down when you are delivering jokes, don't garble the set ups and punchlines otherwise no-one will laugh, remember to breath and if something gets a big laugh don't start talking again until the laugh subsides, if necessary take a sip from a drink of water in order to force yourself to slow down.
Don't fiddle with the mic stand, if you remove the mic from the stand put the stand out of the way, to the side of the stage and out of people's eyelines, if you are leaving the mic in the stand make sure the stand is at the correct height for you and don't fiddle with it (this is distracting for the audience).
Other than that enjoy yourself, if you look like you are having fun then the audience will have fun, if you look stressed and nervous then the audience will get stressed and nervous and speak clearly.
Good luck and let us know how you get on.
I'd lose the only joking part as well. It's all about confidence (as above) so you should never apologise for a joke it sends out mixed messages. Just do the opening deadpan if you can.
I'd like to end on a the biggest joke of all... but anyway that's enough about Tony Blair. (Or somesuch -To tie the end in with the beginning maybe?)
Quote: Jack Daniels @ June 17 2011, 1:55 PM BSTHaving bugged my friend who's an compere to get me a spot to peform the night's finally arrived... Am going to record and YouTube the occasion, so, here's my seven minutes ive rehearsed, be peforming tonight to a student/uni crowd...
Any tips?
_______________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________Glad you're all here, get ready to laugh long and hard...
"I'm the only one ready here? Ready? "if noone laughs then say "Ok. plan B, I'll do my psychic act instead, I've got an Ethel here"...
I would like to end on a devastatingly funny joke, but
"why change the habit of a lifetime" or "Ryan Gigg's gets to shag a big brother contestant, his sister in law, and possibly some sheep, and he still gets paid 200 grand a week"
I've been great... Good night.
The above are just suggestions and may or may not suit your style and practice as much as you can between now and seven!...Best of luck...fingers crossed 
Good luck. I see that it's a studenty crowd, if any idiot shouts out at you then you have to respond to them, you don't necessarily have to be funny but you have to respond. I think your material is better than the first set that I ever did and I managed to get some laughs, so I think you'll be fine. Remember, being confident is as (if not more) important than being funny.
The material seems quite poor, but I know that your performance could make a big difference.
Good luck, and I look forward to seeing the video.
Cheers for taking the time to read/comment, meant a lot in preparing at such short notice...
Tony C - Ta for the tips, don't want to turn removing the mic into a slapstick routine, good to get tips from a pro, Im laid back to a fault just need to remember to not babble I guess...
Marc P - Yeah, gonna lose the 'only joking' bit, sounds a bit crap doesn't it, I'm fairly deadpan without doing it too stylistic, I did this routine three nights ago to my screenwriters circle thing (about 25 people) and people were laughing - but I felt they were lauging more than the jokes had earned, they were laughing a bit too hard and it unnerved me... I asked my friend afterwards, were they laughing AT me or with me, he said people were saying afterwards my delivery's like how Bill Murray speaks in his roles (even though im English) so maybe the lack of enthusiasm can be a plus tonight...
Shandonbelle - I like you. Plan B, pretending im a psychic, is there an Ethel here tonight is genius.
Man In The Bowler Hat - Thanks, yeah hopefully I'll emanate confidence and God help any hecklers cos I have more putdown material than actual material.
Lady Laughter - Im sorry you didn't like the material, im sorry because your likes/dislikes in these threads tend to be fairly accurate and I usually agree with you which means maybe im too close to my own jokes to be objective.
Anyway, my taxi's due at half past so I'll go do some throwing up.
I'll let you know tommorow if I get a standing ovation and crowdsurf out of the room 
Quote: Lady Laughter @ June 17 2011, 2:57 PM BSTThe material seems quite poor
Really helpful comment for him to read just before he leaves!
LL was just being honest, zooo! And we all must try to be honest.
Might have been good to wait till he got back on this occasion. 
Blah blah blah.
Quote: Ben @ June 17 2011, 9:19 PM BSTLL was just being honest, zooo! And we all must try to be honest.
Why? And actually be honest or not... where does trying come into it?
The timing of any comments didnt bother me as such as I did ask people to be honest whether they thought the gags would work or sink,
L.L's usually to the point and I like her take on comedy, I read a sketch a while back she did where a lady with 12 cats was dating a man who was alergic to cats which was kinda funny, and another one where a middle eastern extremist cleric type was discussing a religon you assume to be Muslim, but then it turns out he was actually talking about the "Jedi" religon all along.
I thought that was kinda funny too.
Quote: Ben @ June 17 2011, 10:46 PM BSTBlah blah blah.
Always the concise responses with you, Ben.
Some of the stuff was really good and zippy, but as a Scouser I have to say that I thought the phone robbing sketch was very tired,also as a man I would never pretend I'd been mugged,whilst I obviously recognise that it happens I somehow find making a joke about it to be a tad effeminate.
Surprisingly for an agnostic I don't like religious jokes either, everyone knows you can take the piss out of Christians, yet no one has got the bottle to do shit about Muslims, if you're going to do it do it properly , don't suffer from lack of spine.
Overall it was very funny and had I watched it I would have laughed, so I think it's quite good.