Hmm I think I should emphasise that some editing is needed so a few pointers
1 Less swearing, swearing should be a punchline not filler
2 Where I am from is chavvy and everyone is inbred is a cliche
So look at why some of it is inspired and original and apply it to the rest.
Cheers guys will take it on board and change it round a bit later I need to get some other jokes off of a hard drive windows made me format 
I'd recommend dumping any stuff about you being new to stand-up. If you want to ask the MC nicely to let the audience know after the fact that you just did your first gig, that's cool, but don't start your set with an apology, just get to the jokes.
A lot better. The cuts of the swearing helped heaps, and good links with the frist gag and the last one.
So far it's a good base, but still needs some more work with getting more jokes in as it's still not laugh out loud funny for me yet I'm afraid.
Updated again