Forgot to say this is a bit of a set I've wrote, What do ya think should I give it a go or will I be booed off the stage, and do you think it could come close to filling up a 5min slot?
Chris
Should I give this stuff a go? Criticise please :D
Seems to be some ok stuff in there but you really need to learn spelling and punctuation if you want others to be able to read it.
Give me a few mins to punctuate it properly 
, I didn't even think to check if I'd cleaned it up
The opening is a bit unoriginal and awkward. I don't think it matters if your audience knows it's your first time but it shouldn't feel like it. And I don't think mentioning it helps. Does that make sense? Didn't get the chance to read the rest.
Yeah the first couple of jokes have been done a couple of times, unfortunately.
Quote: Evo1983 @ June 15 2011, 4:54 PM BSTi once got asked for a cigarette by a stranger and his 18 friends at a bus stop, by the time I was finished explaining the cigarette I was smoking was my last it had been punched down my throat, apparently my lack of cigarettes had annoyed him more than it had me.
I thought this was prob the best line you had. Is Stoke rough? Never heard much about it.
First off Kudos and respect are in order. Observational comedy isn't the easiest of genre to undertake. You have to have strong material that has a symmetry that the audience can relate to. This is where the laughs are generated.
You have to get them from the start, grab their attention if you like. If you can accomplish this, you will have them with you for the rest of the set.
Your run through starts off a bit weak if truth be told. You will be on the back foot from the start by your confession to being new at comedy and your sarcastic delivery will come across as odd to an audience who now know you are just starting out.
This style of comedy demands confidence in both conviction and delivery,otherwise the audience will start to feel uncomfortable. And this is where you will lose them. Overall your set works well. I take it you know the venue and what normally goes down well? Attacking where you live can work very well and is standard observational fodder and that's not a criticism as long as you are not in a club in Stoke-on-Trent. Have you thought about researching the town or area you are preforming at? Pick up on something your audience will identify with and draw comparisons with your own home town, this always goes down well.
Sorry for the long winded reply and to cap it all off, your set shows promise, it's funny in places and with a few pauses for laughter I would guess you have about three minutes of material.
Cheers for the reply's so far, I don't really see this as a finished set, and it was more of a start to a gong night that's why I say the first part, just for the venue. what I could start off with is endless I've had a few idea's this is just something I wrote and when I saw this forum I wondered what others would think, I need to get some more stuff wrote down I'll update this until I get a good 5 Min
Fair play to you mate. A gong night is a brilliant way to try out what works and what doesn't. I look forward to up-dates on what you have so far. 
Wiping the dogs arse and the girls pants jokes made me chuckle. I'd cut out tthis chunk as well:
haha what the f**k is that all about the welsh hate the English the Irish hate the English the Scottish hate the English in what f**king way are we united other than by land, you don't see Israel and Palestinians uniting because of land what makes us so different I mean don't get me wrong I know why you hate us, f**k the English hate the English I suppose that's it were all uniting in hating the English,...
I can't really see any jokes in that bit if I'm honest.
Good luck though, post a video up if you ever do it live
Hey just a quick thought, its not comedy gold or anything but can people steal my jokes I put up on here?
Yes...and I just have... Mwah ha ha (evil laugh)
lol!! 
Quote: Odin @ June 15 2011, 8:02 PM BSTFair play to you mate. A gong night is a brilliant way to try out what works and what doesn't. I look forward to up-dates on what you have so far.
It's REALLY not. Gong shows will teach you what works in a GONG environment only, and favours one liner and gag heavy comedians. Results are not always indicative of How good you are and how good your material is.
I like your style lots of gags and a nice meander through ideas, not to mention some decent gags.
The one about teenagers and baggy clothes is inspired, also your neatly linking ideas together.
Maybe lose some of the slightly more hackneyed stuff about Diana. But otherwise I could picture this going well.
This needs a ton of work. The bit about the old woman and the dog was quite funny and would probably get a laugh if delivered well, but for me most of the stuff leading up to it wouldn't work. I'd also give a lot of the swearing a rest, it doesn't seem to really fit and is there for the sake of it.