Words of Comfort

TWO GUYS ARE SITTING IN A PUB DURING A WAKE

Daniel:
I'm sorry to hear about your Sad loss Tim.

Tim:
Do you know what mate, I don't think it's really sank in yet, it was all so sudden

Daniel:
Listen mate! Those we truly love can never really leave, they smile with you in your memories and laugh with you in the sunshine of your dreams for evermore.

Tim:
That's very comforting mate. Cheers

Daniel:
I'm glad you think so. Right! Now I want you to pass that sentiment on to as many people as possible.

Tim:
Excuse me?

Daniel:
You need to pass that sentiment on to as many people as you can. If you pass it onto 5 or more people then something awesome will run across the bar

Tim:
I don't really feel like it to be honest, but I do appreciate the thought.

Daniel:
Ah but if you pass it on to 10 or more people you'll have some amazing luck I promise , it happened to my Aunt Mabel she passed it onto 10 people and the next day she won 20,000 on the Bingo and she didn't even go to the Bingo that night.

Tim:
Oh Good for her. But as I say I don't really want to pass it on if you don't mind. I'll just keep your kind words to myself.

Daniel:
Well that's up to you of course but I should warn you that the last time I gave these comforting words to someone they didn't pass them on to anyone else and got killed in a car crash the very next day.

Tim:
Are you saying that if I don't repeat your message something bad will happen to me

Daniel:
Not at all not at all, it's just that everyone else who failed to pass it on had some terrible fate befall them. Doesn't mean it'll happen to you mate.

Tim:
Lightning doesn't strike twice as they say.

Daniel:
Yes it does but only to a few of those people that didn't pass the message on, right in their faces. anyway you'll be fine. Well you won't but you might be

Tim:
I don't really care ! I don't believe in all that crap.

Daniel:
But your missing the point mate if you pass it on to 15 or more people you'll have some amazing luck.... the last person who passed it onto 15 people won 15 different lotteries the very next day

Tim:
I Am not! repeat not! passing anything on. Could you just leave me alone please.

Daniel:
All I'm doing is passing on a few words of comfort with a slightly sinister undertone, where's the harm in that?

Tim:
It's just not what I need right now, that's all, Ok?

Daniel:
Alright alright Jeez! It's a sad world where you can't even pass on some arbitrary good or bad luck to your best mate! Most people just take it in the spirit that it's been intended and pass it on because they are too scared not to, y'know just in case... what with all the tragic deaths and all that.

Tim:
Well... now you mention it.. I am quite curious about what's going to run across the bar.

Good idea for a sketch, I liked it. Although I would take a few of the 'mates' out, not sure people would say that that often in a conversation?

Good idea and nice lines, but needs a better punchline.

It does need a better out as Ben says, but, It's a great idea and one I really wished I'd thought of. Some of the lines are superb but just falters at the very last.

Can only echo others, lovely, but might need a stronger out.

Ditto and overlong for me. The idea is great but after a while you're just repeating it.

Good idea and funny exchanges between the two. I did find it felt a bit repetitive towards the end , like you were labouring the point too much, but perhaps that was the intention, I wondered if the punch would have worked better if you had mentioned the thing running across the bar a bit more throughout ,so as to arouse his curiosity.

I thought it was great. No criticisms, liked the punch. It's a Volte Face.

I thought it was a funny idea and the punchline worked for me beacuse all the way through reading it I imagined the mourner would eventually tell the other guy to get lost, be sitting by himself reflecting and then Forked Lightening would crash a window and hit him.

Thanks all

Some good points to think about.

Very nice idea. Could do with a slight trim as felt slightly laboured. And whilst the resolution is OK, it feels like there's something better: some sort of twist/ surprise ?

Yes, think it could do with a trim too.

Yes I agree.
I trimmed it a bit before posting but not well enough.
And I was trying to think of a better pay off.
But I'm pleased that the idea seems to work more than anything.

Maybe the deceased's mother tries to comfort Tim at the end with the exact same line but before she can finish, he tells her to "oh fck off". And that somehow leads to something walking across the bar. Thats the key I think: tying the resolution up with something walking across the bar but in a surprising way. Easy eh !

That's very good.
I may use that or something similar if it's ok