Hi there, Jack,
I've been looking at this so long that I've kind of lost the ability to see it from a fresh angle.
Something along the ines you've suggested would probably work quite well. I'll give it a stab.
New sitcom (First 10 Pages, Extract) Page 2
How about this...?
(I still feel it needs tightening, but it's definitely more along the right lines -- altho I do have a penchant for smackhead tramps!
For example, the places he could go, and the things he could do, should probably be a bit more dramatic-sounding, e.g., 'Angkor Watt, the Great Wall, the Mangrove swamps of Mauritius' and so on.)
INT. PUB. DAY.
A young man in mortar board and gown, JAMES, stands with two older people, FATHER and MOTHER, in a pub. A large number of similarly clad young people mill around in the background.
MOTHER
Just imagine what you could do now. Take a year out travelling: Thailand, Mexico, tour Europe, visit the Great Pyramid, trek the Inca trail.
FATHER
Think, son: you could be a famous writer, a respected teacher, wine and dine with the wealthy, achieve true happiness and contentment. Today is the first day of the rest of your life!
CUT TO:
INT. HOMEFRONT -- CHECK-OUTS. DAY
JAMES sits at a check-out in an orange and day-glo green sweater. He looks blank, worn. His FATHER's words reverberate around his cranium only to be drowned out by the bleep and hubbub of item being scanned and sold.
FADE IN CAPTION: TWENTY SEVEN MONTHS LATER.
He's lifted from his daydream by an approaching elderly CUSTOMER.
CUSTOMER
Excuse me young man, but there appears to be a pool of urine in your power tools aisle. Somebody could slip, sustain an injury, and sue YOU for a quarter of a million pounds. Would you like that?
An arm shoots into shot holding a mop for JAMES.