The Investiture

I am trying my arm at topical sketches
It seems that these are most popular with people wanting submitted sketches

1st draft, 1st bash.

THE INVESTITURE

DAY INT

THE BALLROOM, BUCKINGHAM PALACE

THE GUESTS ARE SEATED IN ROWS AND
THE QUEEN IS STOOD AT THE FRONT FACING THEM.

THE LORD CHAMBERLAIN MOVES TO THE FRONT
TO ANNOUNCE THE HONOURS

QUEEN (In hushed tone to the lord chamberlain)
Who is next?

LORD CHAMBERLAIN (in hushed tone back)
Mr Bruce Forsyth Ma'am

QUEEN
Oh dear, I really do hope he doesn't play up

LORD CHAMBERLAIN
Play up Ma'am?

QUEEN
With his silly antics and ghastly catch phrases

LORD CHAMBERLAIN
Don't worry Ma'am, I have had a strong word with him in the anti-room.

THE LORD CHAMBERLAIN ANNOUNCES MR BRUCE FORSYTH
AND HIS KNIGHTHOOD FOR SERVICES TO SHOW BUSINESS.

BRUCE APPEARS AND WALKS SLOWLY TO THE FRONT
VERY DIGNIFIED AND SOLEMN.
HE KNEELS IN FRONT OF THE QUEEN.

HE LOOKS UP AND STARTS TO SAY
Nice to see you...........

THE QUEEN QUICKLY AND MAYBE A LITTLE TOO HARD
PLACES THE SWORD ON HIS SHOULDER BUT
MISSES AND IT ENDS UP ON HIS ARM.

BRUCE
Higher, higher

SHE MOVES THE SWORD ONTO HIS SHOULDER
BUT IT IS UP AGAINST HIS NECK

BRUCE
Lower, lower

THE QUEEN THEN DUBS HIM ON EACH SHOULDER

QUEEN
Arise Sir Bruce Forsyth

AS HE GETS UP FROM THE KNEELING POSITION
HE GOES INTO 'THE THINKER' POSE AND LOOKS
TO THE GUESTS FOR CONFIRMATION.
THE GUESTS ARE DEADPAN.

QUEEN (cont)
How does it feel to be SIR Bruce Forsyth

BRUCE
It's a great honour Ma'am.
I have been waiting for recognition all my life.

QUEEN
I already gave you an OBE and a CBE

BRUCE (always looking to the guests for conformation of his wit)
You get nothing for a pair in this game Ma'am
This is a real Brucie Bonus.
I knew if I played my cards right I would get a knighthood

QUEEN (always ignoring the puns and continuing steadfastly)
I hope you enjoyed the pheasant and partridge platters.
They were fresh and caught this morning

BRUCE
Oh Ma'am, they were definitely (does a little shuffle tap dance)
GOOD GAME GOOD GAME

QUEEN (sternly)
Sir Bruce

BRUCE
Yes Ma'am

QUEEN
FUCK OFF.

Topical indeed. Well resisted on the temptation to work in a 'knight to see you, to see you knight.'

I'd cut out all the preamble - this bit:

Quote: Stephen Goodlad @ June 11 2011, 12:32 PM BST

THE LORD CHAMBERLAIN MOVES TO THE FRONT
TO ANNOUNCE THE HONOURS

QUEEN (In hushed tone to the lord chamberlain)
Who is next?

LORD CHAMBERLAIN (in hushed tone back)
Mr Bruce Forsyth Ma'am

QUEEN
Oh dear, I really do hope he doesn't play up

LORD CHAMBERLAIN
Play up Ma'am?

QUEEN
With his silly antics and ghastly catch phrases

LORD CHAMBERLAIN
Don't worry Ma'am, I have had a strong word with him in the anti-room.

View original

It doesn't add anything and only tells us either what we already know or what you are about to reveal anyway.

Agree with Badge , a funny piece though, I could picture it as I read it

There's definitely room for a Brucie sketch, but, sadly, I don't think this is it.

You need to cut the preamble as Badge says and the concept of Bruce uttering his catchphrases just isn't funny enough. Needs a punchline too - having the Queen say "F**k off" isn't one.

I know I am always too verbose on first drafts (gives me something to cut though)

And A better punchline might be needed, I agree

Thank you

It's definitely worth another go at Steve, I really enjoyed it.