Skit Comp 10-17.6.11

Grate as usual so congratulations to 404 NOT FOUND for wiping betwixt our cheeks. Get rat-anussed and PM me for next week's topic please.
Hence:
Votes - Points - Name

5 - 10 - 404 Not Found
2 - 5 - Kasm
1 - 1 - Steve Sunshine, Lady Laughter, Ishy, Gerry McDonnell, Tuumble
Speckled mention: Jammy Jim

Your new subject: SPORT (chosen by Gerry McDonnell)
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sex or inside leg measurement, except the kid who used to steal my dinner money.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's original and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 17.6.11

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

193! - Mr Sunshine
175 - Kasm
159 - Otterfox
148 - Michael Monkhouse
143 - Cool Mikado
132 - Nigel Kelly
112 - Jebsly
108 - Frankie Rage
105 - Timbo
103 - Charley Rance
98 - Fred Peters
97 - Angiebaby
78 - Ishy
77 - Gerry McDonnell
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
56 - Alex Mahon, Scratchyr
37 - Afinkawan
35 - Don P. Musey
32 - James, Swerytd, Paul Watson
30 - Stephen Goodlad
28 - Leevil
26 - Bushbaby, David Chapman
25 - Craig H
23 - Roscoff
22 - Blobster
21 - Nil Putters, Mikey J
20 - James Harris, Kevin Murphy, Dannyjb1, Niteowl, Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - Ellie
16 - Reg N, Eggie
15 - Cinnamon, Dale
14 - Stephen Birch
13 - Badge
12 - Geoff Mutton, Will Cam
11 - Tuumble, Shirl the Whirl, Steven
10 - 404 Not Found, Sean Night, Robo, Nitram Skir, Socrates, Tom Campbell, Tommy Power, Waring
09 - Shandonbelle, ajp29, ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - The Giggle-O, garyd, Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil, Hellboy, Wayne Lewis, John Kelly, Andrew Lynch
05 - Flavian, Sean, Karlos the Great, Drew, Pedros, Summer G, Mannikin Bird, Greggles, Happy Shopper, Timothy Marshal-Nichols, Rob B
04 - Andy W, losaavedra
02 - Stu R, Imamazed, Slack Bladder, Paul Nash, Boits, Gavin
01 - Lady Laughter, Scar Bum, veedeeplex, Grem, Macca, Ming The Mirthless, Minty, Shpadoinkle, Shaggy292, amillionpounds, Jake How, David Bussell, Charisma, Skibbington von Skubber, Ginger Jesus, Nick Rivers, Daddy Maz, Martin Bickle, Batman, Ray Dawson, Marion, Tooting Jo

Any ballsups, PM me please.

MAYBE BABY

POSH LAWRENCE and a POSH, PREGNANT CYNTHIA at the DOCTOR'S:

DOCTOR Good morning Mr and Mrs Twott, I have the results of your scan here...

CYNTHIA Oh gosh Lawrence, isn't it frightfully exciting? That's our bally baby in there, our own little nipper...

LAWRENCE Oh Cynthia, one feels so emotional... Do tell us more Doctor, do.

DOCTOR Well it's a little girl...

CYNTHIA Hoorah!

DOCTOR Blonde hair...

LAWRENCE Gadzooks!

DOCTOR Blue eyes...

LAWRENCE AND CYNTHIA F**k right off.

DOTOR I'm sorry?

CYNTHIA (stamps feet, throws a tantrum) I did so want green eyes you silly little arse! Oh Lawrence, what shall we DO?

LAWRENCE It's no good Doctor, we're aborting.

DOCTOR But... This is your three thousandth, eight hundredth and seventy-third abortion. In the last week.

CYNTHIA We enjoy trying for a baby.

LAWRENCE So does the rest of the cricket team.

DOCTOR You rejected one for having dark hair - one for having slightly sticky-out ears - one because the doctor suggested the name Ralph...

LAWRENCE A chap has the right to be choosy.

DOCTOR Well I can't stop you aborting, so - see you tomorrow.

CYNTHIA and LAWRENCE leave.

A BLOKE enters.

GAY Hello I'm gay and I'd like to adopt.

DOCTOR You f**king weirdo.

I know we aren't supposed to comment, but that's not about "Sport".

There's a reference to cricket in it, that'll do me.

LOC. LONDON MARATHON COURSE NEAR CUTTY SARK

TWO KENYAN ATHLETES ARE RUNNING TOWARDS THE CAMERA. A LARGER GROUP OF ABOUT TEN RUNNERS ARE A SHORT DISTANCE BEHIND THEM. THE BBC MARATHON THEME "THE TRAP" IS PLAYING AND SLOWLY FADES OUT.

COMMENTATOR 1:
For those of you just joining our coverage on BBC2 we are now at the seven mile mark following the elite male runners. Martin Lel of Kenya is in the lead closely followed by his fellow countryman, last years winner Emmanuel Mutai.

COMMENTATOR 2:
They are setting a very fast pace this year, if they're able to keep up this pace we may see a new course record.

CAMERA PANS TO THE FOLLOWING GROUP OF TEN RUNNERS, A MAN DRESSED AS A SHEEP IS CATCHING UP WITH THEM.

COMMENTATOR 1:
Well, will you look at that it seems that one of the fun runners fancies his fifteen minutes of fame and is catching up with the chasing pack.

COMMENTATOR 2:
[laughs] Well he's not going to be able to keep up that pace, especially not in that heavy sheep costume.

FADE OUT/FADE IN. NOW AT TOWER BRIDGE AND THE MAN IN THE SHEEP COSTUME IS STILL VERY MUCH WITH THE CHASING PACK.

COMMENTATOR 1:
Well, I'm being told that the guy in the sheep costume, is 73 year old Bernard Cooper from Dewsbury, a first time entrant into the London marathon.

COMMENTATOR 2:
Well you have to admire his stamina, to still be up there near the front as we near the half way mark, surely he must drop out soon

BERNARD SLOWS DOWN, WALKS TO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND STOPS.

COMMENTATOR 1:
Well that was only to be expected, nevertheless a remarkable achievement to stay so near the leaders for so long especially at his age.

BERNARD TAKES A CIGARETTE OUT OF HIS POCKET, LIGHTS IT AND REJOINS THE RACE SMOKING AS HE RUNS.

COMMENTATOR 1:
Oh no he's back in the race, and smoking a cigarette, he is setting a very bad example there.

COMMENTATOR 2:
Yes absolutely, he is smoking like a girl, he's not even inhaling properly.

COMMENTATOR 1:
Actually I was referring to the health implications, not his style of smoking.

COMMENTATOR 2:
Oh yes, that as well.

FADE OUT/FADE IN NOW ON BIRDCAGE WALK AND BERNARD IS AT THE FRONT OF THE CHASING PACK. HE TAKES A FINAL DRAG ON ANOTHER CIGARETTE, DISCARDS THE CIGARETTE BUTT AND STARTS SPRINTING TO CATCH UP WITH THE FRONT TWO RUNNERS.

COMMENTATOR 1:
As we head into the last few yards, I don't believe it, Bernard is making a break for the leaders, This is absolutely unbelievable, I'm totally speechless.

THE FINISH LINE IS NOW IN SIGHT AS THEY ENTER THE MALL, BERNARD IS SPRINTING, HE OVERTAKES THE TWO KENYANS IN THE FINAL FEW YARDS TO WIN THE MARATHON.

CUT TO SUE BARKER ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FINISH LINE WITH A MICROPHONE IN HAND.

SUE BARKER:
Bernard, Can I have a quick word.

BERNARD:
Alright love, have you seen my wife?

SUE BARKER:
Erm, no [looking round] what does she look like, was she supposed to meet you at the finish?

BERNARD:
She's dressed as Little Bo-Peep, I was running with her but we got split up in the crowd, I'm pretty sure she was ahead of me. I last saw her in front of two coloured lads, thought it was these two..

BERNARD GESTURES TOWARDS LEL AND MUTAI WHO ARE IN THE BACKGROUND

SUE BARKER:
Well she's definitely not ahead of you, you won the race, she must be somewhere back along the course.

BERNARD:
Oh bugger, she's going to kill me, I'd better go and try to find her, see you later love.

BERNARD RUNS BACK THROUGH THE FINISH LINE AND STARTS RUNNING BACK UP THE MALL.

INT - CHURCH
A MAN ENTERS THE DARKENED CONFESSIONAL BOX AND KNEELS DOWN.
THE PRIEST IS SEATED BEHIND A VEILED SCREEN ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BOX.

MAN
Bless me Father for I have sinned.

PRIEST
What sin's do you wish to bring before God today my son?

MAN
Father, it's the horses. I'm a pitiful slave to the Gee Gees, down the bookies every day checking the form with me man in the know. If I don't kick the habit here today I'll be lost forever, left to swelter for all eternity in the jaccuzi of hell, but without the bubbles.

PRIEST
The mighty horse; a crisp 'morn in Epsom, the squelch of hoof on muddy turf, the scent of freshly mounted saddle, the cherubic smiling faces of the little jockeymen ready for the off, the waving hands of the Tic Tac man. My son, you are indeed enslaved... a man in the know you say?

MAN
Old Arnold, ex Navy, 'bookie's misery' they call him, never wrong. Actually, he cost me £700 on the Derby but he'd just woken up from the anaesthetic in hospital and his speech was slurred. Father, forgive me, pestering a man on his sickbed for a tip, I'm a desperate excuse for a human man, is there any way back to the light?

PRIEST
My son, all who ask, shall receive. Old Arnold back to good health I take it?

MAN
Yes Father, he gave me a sure thing for tomorrow's Grand National. I want no part of it...but it's like the seething fork of the Devil himself is about to prong me in the belly and deliver me roasted to William Hill's at opening time...8 O' Clock on a big race day.

PRIEST
You may lay the burden to rest here today, the horse's name?

MAN
'Spring Zippy'- I feel an enormous weight has been lifted off my shoulder's Father.

PRIEST
To Win or Each Way?

MAN
What? eh, to Win Father.

PRIEST
Nice one my son...ahem, your sin's are forgiven, Go in Peace.

The Canadian grand Prix

COMMENTATOR: Here's Williams, nearly ready to tee off for what must be the most important shot of his life. Quick wave to the spectators either side of him who have grudgingly gathered on this grotty 6th of June to enjoy this muddy affair. Adjusting his head gear, he's taking up his position; both hands gripping his club firmly... his eyes on his target, then on his ball, then on his target again, back to his ball... he raises his club... and swings... but he has sliced it and the ball has gone directly into the bunker, deary me. Well given his previous performances I would say that was a very poor shot indeed, I wonder if he can recover from this disastrous turn of events. It looks like we will have to wait for the answer to that thought because Williams has to get to the bunker to play his next shot first, and those mines and 50 calibre machine guns are going to provide a big problem. Why he chose to play golf in Normandy we may never know.

as an inventor my real breakthrough was when I created an energy drink that allows athletes to exercise constantly, 24 hours a day 365 days a year.

the rest is history.

INT. MEETING ROOM. DAY

LORD COE IS STALKING AROUND A TABLE AT WHICH A BESPECTACLED MAN (TIMPKINS) IN HIS EARLY 40S, WEARING A DARK SUIT AND GREY TIE, IS SITTING WITH A THICK OFFICIAL-LOOKING BINDER IN FRONT OF HIM

TIMPKINS
...No, Lord Coe, I think you are the one being entirely unreasonable with that cavalier attitude to health and safety issues. We intend that the 28th modern Olympics will be just that - modern and in line with the values of modern-day Britain, which we all hold so dear.

LORD COE
So that's final then - there'll be no sprints?

TIMPKINS
Correct - sudden bursts of speed from a standing start will undoubtedly cause long-term muscle damage. We must protect these athletes from themselves.

LORD COE
And middle and long-distance races are out because of potential repetitive strain injuries?

TIMPKINS
Come, come, Lord Coe, for 'potential' we'll read 'certain' shall we? Now, field athletics are obviously banned due to the risk of strains and hernias to competitors, coupled with the threat of injury to spectators. (STARTS CROSSING OUT IN THE BINDER) So that's the hammer, discus and Shot put...

LORD COE
But surely the javeli-

TIMPKINS
(SUDDENLY PUTS HIS FINGERS IN HIS EARS AND USES A SING-SONG VOICE) La la la la laaaaaa. Can't hear a word! Can't hear a word!

LORD COE
(PUTTING HIS HANDS UP AS AN APOLOGY) Sorry, sorry, sorry. I apologise. I forgot we weren't going to mention the 'J' word again.

TIMPKINS TAKES OUT A HANDKERCHIEF AND DABS AT HIS BROW WHILE SIPPING FROM A SMALL GLASS OF WATER

TIMKINS
Phew. I'm okay; I'm okay; a little nauseous, but I'm feeling a bit better now. Right, the 20km walk we have no problem with... as long as it's reduced to a more manageable 1km.

LORD COE
(SARCASTICALLY) And we'll be allowed to have the starter shout: 'Bang', will we?

TOMPKINS
Your tone is not at all helpful, Lord Coe. And anything approaching a stentorian level by the starter, let alone a shout, will ensure that it isn't just the competitors who will be required to wear ear protectors - we will insist it's the whole arena. Now... swimming.

LORD COE
Oh dear. Yes well, I think you said something about life-vests all round.

TOMPKINS
And water wings, Lord Coe. You all but promised me that. Can't be too careful can we? (CROSSING OUT MORE IN THE BINDER AS HE MUTTERS TO HIMSELF) Synchronised swimming, huh, synchronised drowning more like. Diving - that's a definite no.

LORD COE
What? But surely with Daley a potential meddle-winner for us...

TOMPLINS
Oh yes, yes, of course - how silly of me. And for good measure shall we add horseplay and petting to the list of suitable 'events'? (SHAKING HIS HEAD SADLY) Sometimes I despair. Now cycling...

LORD COE
Well, I can tell you that Sir Chris Hoy is not going to take kindly to replacing the velodrome course with a flat, straight course.

TIMPKINS
Well he surely wouldn't be happy careering around an angled track? I mean, good lord, the safety design of our stabilisers will be completely compromised. Let's not be ridiculous!

COE SINKS INTO THE SEAT OPPOSITE TIMPKINS AND PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS

TIMPKINS
(BRIGHTLY) Well, I think once the rest of the events have been aligned to our guidelines, we'll be happy to fully endorse the games. So, I'll take my leave of you and, just say, I for one am looking forward to a thrilling spectacle next year.

LORD COE NODS WEAKLY AS TIMPKINS TUCKS HIS BINDER UNDER HIS ARM AND LEAVES - ONLY TO RETURN A MOMENT LATER

TIMPKINS
Oh, what was I thinking? I almost forgot - the Opening Ceremony!

LORD COE
(BRIGHTENING A LITTLE)
Yes?

TIMPKINS
(TAKES A SMALL FLASHLIGHT OUT OF HIS POCKET AND OFFERS IT WITH A WARNING TO COE) Here's the Olympic torch - just make sure your boys are careful not to shine it in people's eyes. It has new batteries!

END

INT: FOOTBALL CLUB CHANGING ROOMS

11 WOMEN ARE IN THE JACUZZI, CHEERING AND GLUGGING CHAMPAGNE.
A MAN IN A SUIT ENTERS, HE IS EXCITED.

MAN: You girls were amazing today, great 90 minutes. And as a special 'thank you' the management have decided to give you a bonus of 2 grand each.

MAN WAVES ENVELOPES STUFFED WITH CASH.

WOMEN WHOOP AND CHEER.

MAN: Now if you could show me the way to the Women's Changing Rooms. Apparently they won the World Cup, I really should pop my head round the door.

EXT. ATHLETICS STADIUM. DAY.

An ATHLETE is talking to an INTERVIEWER for television moments after the race.

INTERVIEWER:
Well, not the result I imagine you were hoping for, but none the less, the result you got. Last place.

ATHLETE:
I have to admit that I didn't think last place was on the menu today..

INTERVIEWER:
Well it was. And for dessert you got a lifetime ban for bringing ridicule to sport.
In hindsight, do you now regret the decision to use techniques from other sports, no matter how inappropriate?

ATHLETE:
I would have to say yes.

INTERVIEWER:
Does that explain why you stood behind the start line for nearly half a minute after the gun went off?

ATHLETE:
It's what Darts players call the Oche instinct. Can't go over the line.
One of the main rules of the game. But, overcame it and got going.

INTERVIEWER:
And you did start to catch the field but then you stopped for a while and sipped a glass of water. A Snooker style tactic? Hope your opponents make a mistake? Or maybe using the rest? yeah, the rest?

ATHLETE:
Ha ha, yeah. No, Yeah, I was hoping that they might all fall over or something, and I would get my chance, but they did keep going and I wasn't getting anywhere.

INTERVIEWER:
I'm sure I speak for the nation, who are all watching at home on their television sets, and I think they would want me to ask you, What were you doing for the last two hundred metres?

ATHLETE:
The Viennese Waltz.

INTERVIEWER:
Dancing? Ballroom dancing? Oh come on. I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt but that's stupid.

ATHLETE:
It's people trying to do a thing, better than other people doing that thing, whilst wearing numbers. So it's a sport.

INTERVIEWER:
They don't wear numbers in Darts or Snooker.

ATHLETE:
They count them, or they count numbers, that's..what I meant.

INTERVIEWER:
Okay then. So it seems it's a case of a barely thought through idea with a poor finish.

ATHLETE:
It does look that way, yes.

INTERVIEWER:
Thanks for talking to us.

ATHLETE:
Thank you. No problem. Thanks.

END.

TWO OLYMPIC 2012 OFFICIALS DISCUSS THE NOMINATION OF THE SHOW EVENT AT THE LONDON OLYMPICS

Sally:
We really need to make this decision soon Peter. As host nation we are obliged to introduce one new event to the Olympics and this shortlist you've given me is a joke.

Peter:
A joke? Hold on! You're the one in charge & It was you who suggested something something something & I thought yes! Wouldn't it be a great idea to revive an ancient long forgotten British game or sport,

Sally:
So these events are all real then? Because I did wonder if you had just invented all these events in order to annoy or offend me. What for example is Snatchery?

Peter:
Ah Snatchery! The game of Princes, It's quite simple really it's basically a cross between The 110 metres hurdles & the javelin

Sally:
Is it Dangerous?

Peter:
Only if you follow the rules. It's not my favourite one though, Tickleball is a much better spectator sport

Sally:
Hmm Tickleball eh? Well there are quite a few ball games already, what sets this one apart from the rest?

Peter:
The tickling mainly

Sally:
Look I don't believe a word of this Peter, every single thing on this list is just rude or an insult, you haven't thought about this at all
.
Peter;
How dare you! Do you know how much Historical research I had to do for that list, yes it's true that certain words or phrases might mean different things these days, but we can't keep bowing down to the PC brigade all the time.

Sally:
So you are seriously telling me that Grab the Tits was a genuine sport

Peter:
You've been watching too many Carry on Movies! The title was very innocent back then, it was based on chasing birds, but in the actual game you just use a sock,

Sally:
Ok then what about Spunk in your Teapot!

Peter:
Ok that one does sound a bit rude. You see, back then Teapot meant something completely different, in polite circles they would often just call the sport spunk in your bitch, or just spunkbitch.

Sally:
So these are all genuine are they, even this one... number 10 The noble sport of F**k you Sally!

Peter:
Well I may have spelt it wrong but F**k you Sally is a wonderful sport, it's the sport that Football could have been.

Sally:
You're an Arsehole!

Peter:
It's actually called You Arsehole but I think you've made the right decision.

CUT TO BEARDED MAN BEING INTERVIEWED ON TV

CAPTION SAYS" DEREK BINGLE CAPTAIN OF THE BRITISH FUCKYUSALLY TEAM"

Derek:
Well did hear that we made the final shortlist, but I guess it wasn't to be.,

My vote this week goes to ...

..Kasm.

CAMERA PANS ROUND A LOUNGE. WE SEE DARTS TROPHIES DISPLAYED. A COUPLE ARE HAVING SEX ON THE RUG. MAN ROLLS OFF OF HER.

MAN.
One hundred and eighty!!

WOMAN
You cheeky bastard I'm not a dart board.

MAN
No, You're my 180th shag.