INT. BLUE PETER STUDIO
FEMALE PRESENTER IS SHOWING A PLATE OF CRUDELY MADE BISCUITS IN THE SHAPE OF MISSHAPEN CHRISTMAS TREES.
FEMALE PRESENTER:
Of course you can take a little more time with your Christmas cookies and make them a little neater than mine. Please do send in pictures and we will show the best ones next week.
CUT TO MALE PRESENTER SITTING ON A SOFA WITH THREE CHILDREN
MALE PRESENTER:
Well this is the moment you've all been waiting for, last week we revealed the three finalists in the Christmas art competition, now we have a very special guest to judge the overall winner and see who gets the special trip to Lapland to see Santa. [To the kids] Are you excited?
KIDS ALL SMILE AND NOD ENTHUSIASTICALLY. MALE PRESENTER STANDS UP AND WALKS OVER TO THREE EASELS SET UP WITH THE CHILDRENS DRAWINGS ON THEM.
MALE PRESENTER:
We're very privileged to have with us today, to judge the overall winner, renowned art critic Brian Sewell. Welcome Brian.
ZOOM OUT TO SEE BRIAN SEWELL STANDING NEXT TO MALE PRESENTER.
BRIAN SEWELL:
Thank you for inviting me.
MALE PRESENTER:
You're very welcome, so Brian could you give us a few comments on each of the three pictures and announce which one you think should win the overall prize.
THEY WALK TO THE FIRST EASEL. THE PICTURE IS A CHILDRENS DRAWING OF THE NATIVITY SCENE.
BRIAN SEWELL:
Oh Good Lord! It's an absolute abomination, just look at this sheep, it's the same size as the virgin Mary, has the artist no concept of scale and presumably this cotton wool or whatever it is on the roof of the stable is supposed to represent snow. Snow in Palestine, the mind boggles. This won't do at all.
BIRAN SEWELL QUICKLY MOVES ON TO THE NEXT EASEL, WHICH IS A ROBIN SITTING ON TOP OF A SNOW COVERED PILLARBOX THE MALE PRESENTER IS FOLLOWING CLOSE BEHIND. SOME CRYING CAN BE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND
MALE PRESENTER:
Well I think you have to remember tha..
BRIAN SEWELL:
[INTERUPTING].. Oh dear, oh dear. How clichéd can you get, a robin on top of a pillar box, no imagination shown here at all, and again the cotton wool. Theres a reason you never see any pictures in the national gallery made of cotton wool, that's because only an absolute imbecile would conceive of cotton wool as an art material for a picture, quite, quite dreadful!
BRIAN SEWELL QUICKLY MOVES ON TO THE FINAL PICTURE WHICH IS A FELT TIP DRAWING OF SANTA ON TOP OF A ROOF WITH A BIG SACK OF PRESENTS THE CRYING IN THE BACKGROUND GETS LOUDER AS THE SECOND CHILD JOINS IN.
BRIAN SEWELL:
This has got to be some sort of wind up surely. This is the worst one yet, very crudely drawn, badly coloured. The kindest thing I can say about it is that at least it has no cotton wool stuck to it. Absolute rubbish. I'm sorry but none of these pictures deserves to win.
MALE PRESENTER QUICKLY RUSHES OVER TO THE SOFA TO CONSOLE THE THREE KIDS, THE CRYING HAS NOW REACHED A CRESCENDO WITH ALL THREE KIDS IN FLOODS OF UNCONTROLABLE TEARS.
MALE PRESENTER:
I'm really sorry kids, the producer is telling me that we're going to get someone else to..
BRIAN SEWELL WALKS INTO SHOT
BRIAN SEWELL:
[INTERUPTING AGAIN] Ah now this is much more like it. This is a great piece of performance-art the pure visceral power of the emotions displayed, quite phenomenal. It rather reminds me of some of the better Eastern European performance artists. I declare the winner of the Christmas art competition to be the three crying children!
