Topicals first in a while

DR Knows best

DR JONES IS SITTING AT HIS DESK

DR
Send in the next suspect Mrs Lemon_drop.

RECEPTIONIST
You mean patient Dr Jones?

DR
Not since the government made the NHS the first line in the war on terror.

MRS JONES WALKS IN WITH A LIMP

MRS JONES
Ooh Dr it's me bunions, playing me up feirce they are!

DR
Let's examine them.

MRS JONES SITS DOWN DR JONES EXAMINES MRS JONE'S FEET

DR
These bunions are quite inflamed. Have you been marching over the Hindu Khusht?

MRS JONES
I've done no such thing! Why would I be marching over the Hind Khusht at my age?

DR
Leaving your terrorist training camp to prepare for whatever operation you're planning for the UK. A country that took you terrorist scum into it's trusting bosom!

MRS JONES
You can't speak to me like that. My Harold fought in the second world war.

DR
Yes but what have you done in the war on terror?

MRS JONES
Oh Dr Jones you rotter. I'm off to that nice Dr Mukhajee, he'll help with the arthritis in my forefinger.

DR
You're trigger finger you mean! I'm watching you terrorist tart! Get out!

MRS JONES LEAVES IN TEARS

DR
Send in the next patient.

OSAMA BIN LADEN WALKS IN WITH A BANDAGE AROUND HIS HEAD

DR
You got shot in the head again Mr Bin Laden?

OSAMA
I was putting up a shelf with my kalashnikov and it slipped. Still atleast I've been swimming.

DR
Oh well at least your BUPA, not like that terrorist bitch.

Blings of the Apache

JEMIMA AND PHIL ARE LOUNGING ABOUT DRINKING COCKTAILS

JEMIMA
You know we're just pieces of meat to them, we're just here to make them look good.

PHIL
I know Jemima, all those cameras flashing. It's quite sleazy really, they just want to know about the size of my chopper.

JEMIMA
And how well equipped I am.

PHIL
Tell me about it. And those paparazzi wankers are just waiting to watch us crash and burn to sell more tabloids.

JEMIMA
I got into this job because I wanted to do good, why did you?

PHIL
Why did I what?

JEMIMA
Become an Apache pilot?

DAVE CAMERON STORMS IN

DAVE CAMERON
Aren't you tarts ready yet? You've got a mission in 15 minutes and you haven't even got your missiles on!

Safe in my hands

DAVE CAMERON WALKS ALONG A ROW OF PEOPLE SHAKING HANDS ONE OF WHOM HAS A TOY BABY

DAVE
The NHS is safe in my hands

TAKES THE BABY AND DROPS IT

I like the last one the best, it might also work with a real baby.

News revue budget doesn't stretch that far.

Other's alright?

I didn't know the story of the first one so it's lost on me. I thought the second one was better than the first though.

Ah first one is that the government is aaskig NHS staff to keep an eye out for terrorist.

I shall crowbar in one patented Sootyj bloody obvious explanation line.

I liked the first one, it ridicules the idea of G.P.s being asked to look out for terrorists really well.

Last one is good too .

Last one - good.
Second one - not good.
First one - cut it back drastically and I think it's good. By drastically, I mean lose everything up until bin Laden walks in. From there you have a funny quickie, but the rest felt a bit tortuous and unfocused to me. If you're going to stick with it note that you have a Dr Jones and a Mrs Jones which is a bit confusing though I am sure accidental.

Thanks boy am I out of practise!

The 2nd one aaaggh, I know what I'm trying to say but it evades me.