I've never written a sketch before, I've tried writing sitcoms instead, but I thought I'd go back to basics and try writing sketches. Well, here's the first proper one I've written and I'd like an opinion, I think it needs a bit of work personally. It's about a man going into a pretty rubbish Library and they've got nothing he wants.
The Library
A man wearing a long trench coat and glasses enters a library with near-empty shelves and approaches the librarian. The man sees a sign that says 'Total Silence in the Library' and walks up to him and opens his mouth in a variety of ways attempting to speak but not a sound comes out.
Librarian
I'm sorry, I may have gone deaf.
Man
(Shocked) Oh you can talk.
Librarian
Yes, you know I can breathe too.
Man
It's just I saw a sign.
Librarian
The religious section's over there.
Man
Oh, I'm not spiritual.
Librarian
Wines and Drinks on the far left. If you don't mind I'm a little busy.
The man looks around the room to see nobody else there.
Man
(Sheepishly) I'm looking for a book.
Librarian
(Sarcastically) What, a book? In a library? I'd watch out you know, people might start talking. Any other revelations, you're also single perhaps?
Man
It's called '39 Steps to Conquering Fear', do you know where I could find it?
Librarian
Horror perhaps?
Man
I don't think so; it's a book on psychology.
Librarian
We stopped stocking psychological books.
Man
Why ever's that?
Librarian
Have you ever had to spell Kierkegaard or Nietzsche? It's a minefield.
Man
Oh, well, do you have a book called 'Insomniacs and the Other Mind' by RJ Whitby?
Librarian
No, and I won't lose sleep over it.
Man
'Altruistic Conservatism' by George Davis.
Librarian
No.
Man
'The Technical Engineering of Hard Water Combination Boilers'
Librarian
No.
Man
Do It by Yourself.
Librarian
Mills & Boon?
Man
Err no, 'Abbreviations and Concrete Nouns in the Modern Biosphere'
Librarian
No.
Man
'The Autobiography of Roger Moore'
Librarian
Who's that by?
Man
I think its Sean Connery.
Librarian
I don't think we have that either.
Man
Alright, alright, well maybe you'll have these last two, 'the Dawkins Delusion' by Alistair McGrath.
Librarian
Ah, yes we do have that.
Man
Oh good.
Librarian
Oh dear.
Man
What?
Librarian
I'm sorry, it's on loan, but we might have it in a nearby branch.
Man
Oh good.
Librarian
Yes, they have a great number of copies in the Aberdeen branch.
Man
Aberdeen?
Librarian
Yes, (smiles) Aberdeen.
Man
The last time I looked we were in Bristol.
Librarian
Can't you take the train?
Man
(Angry) I think I'll leave that.
Librarian
That's a pity, it's a good book that.
Man
You know, it's really lucky I can read you like a book?
Librarian
Oh really, why's that?
Man
You're the only thing in here I can read.
Librarian
But we have plenty of books.
Man
Just not what I want?
Librarian
Yes, just not what you want.
Man
As I'm awkward?
Librarian
Yes, as you're awkward (realises mistake)
Man
I'm fed up of this, it's ridiculous... right, right, the last book, do you have 'the World According to Clarkson'?
Librarian
Yes, yes, we do. In fact we have three copies.
Man
Oh good, I might as well take all three.
Librarian
Now if you don't mind, I have my own book to read.
Man
Oh really? What's it called?
Librarian
39 Steps to Conquering Fear.