A 19 YEAR OLD GUY (KENNETH)STEPS IN HIS FRONT DOOR WITH A BAG ON HIS BACK.
KEN:
Mam! Is dinner ready, I'm starving?
HE OPENS THE KITCHEN DOOR AND THERE IS A STRANGE MAN SITTING AT THE COUNTER. HE IS DRESSED ALL IN BLACK WITH A BLACK HAT AND BLACK HORN-RIMMED GLASSES. HE TURNS IN HIS SWIVEL STOOL TO GREET KENNETH.
MAN:
Hello Kenneth.
KEN:
(SHOCKED) Who the hell are you? What are you doing here?
MAN:
Relax; all will be answered in good time Kenneth. Now, we can't stay chatting here all day. It is imperative that I tell why we are here. We are members of a secret society known as the KAS or the Keepers of the Ancient Secrets. We are over 600 years old and we originated in Britain and Ireland so you have most likely heard of us.
KEN:
No.
MAN:
I wouldn't expect you to have heard of us Kenneth. We are a secret society after all. Unfortunately this is not a social visit. This very afternoon you uttered a phrase that is written in our sacred scrolls, a phrase that is only know to the members of the KAS. It was the first time that this phrase was spoken since the 16th Century.
KEN:
I don't know what you're talking about. I spent the whole day speaking normal words, not any of your poxy jibberish.
MAN:
But you did Kenneth and it may have very grave consequences for the phrase that you uttered may have unlocked a great evil upon us. We now need to find out if you have somehow managed to come into contact with our sacred scrolls and that is why we have come here today.
HE LIGHTS A MATCH AND STARTS SMOKING IT.
KEN:
Why do you keep saying 'we', I only see you. Look I've never heard of your ancient sacred scrolls and I didn't mention anything that is written in them now can you please leave.
MAN:
I never mentioned that the scrolls were ancient Kenneth {BEAT} Now how would you know a thing like that? Maybe because at three seventeen this afternoon you, Kenneth Clutterbuck uttered chapter five paragraph nine of our sacred scrolls; verbatim.
HE TAKES OFF HIS GLASSES TO WIPE THE LENSES AND WHEN HE DOES SO HE HAS NO EYES. HE PUTS THE GLASSES BACK ON AND HE HAS EYES AGAIN.
When you spoke these words it triggered alarm bells in our alarm bell. We left immediately and we have been here ever since.
KEN:
But its only quarter past three now.This is gone way too weird. Can you leave, like now!
MAN CASUALLY WALKS OUT THE DOOR.
KEN:
What the hell was that!?
KENNETH SITS DOWN TO STEADY HIMSELF. AFTER A FEW SECONDS ANOTHER MAN WITH THE SAME ATTIRE CASUALLY STRUTS IN CLICKING HIS FINGERS FROM SIDE TO SIDE AND HUMMING.
MAN 2:
So Kenneth look its as simple as this you can come with us now or stay here.
KEN:
Well I'll.....I'll stay here then.
MAN2:
Oh........Alright Kenneth all we need to do is sit you down and subject you to some very rigourous tests.
MAN2 WALKS BEHIND THE COUNTER FLICKING A COIN. HE DROPS THE COIN AND BENDS DOWN TO PICK IT UP BUT A DIFFERENT MAN IN THE SAME ATTIRE COMES UP HOLDING AN EGG IN EACH HAND.
MAN3:
I rose these eggs from hens Kenneth.....
KEN:
I-is that a question?
MAN3:
We knew we would have a challenge on our hands Kenneth from the moment we heard the warning bells whistling. You are the bee who stung the hornets nest, the boy who tied his laces too close to the sun; you Kenneth are the cook who boiled his stew in a bucket of sick.
MAN 2 APPEARS BESIDE MAN 3 AND A FOURTH MAN COMES OUT OF THE UTILITY ROOM AND HAS FRESHLY WASHED CLOTHES IN HIS HANDS. HE SMELLS THEM AND RECOILS IN DISGUST.
MAN 4:
Uuuuugh......they're lovely.
MAN 1 COMES BACK INTO SHOT TOSSING THE COIN THAT MAN 2 DROPPED.
MAN1:
Okay Kenneth we don't have much time left. Its simply down to heads or tails.
HE LEAVES DOWN THE COIN AND PICKS UP A SWAN.
MAN1:
(HOLDING THE SWANS HEAD) Heads we take you with us. (TURNS THE SWAN BACKWARDS) Tails we shoot you.
KEN:
What!!?
HE THROWS THE SWAN UP AND AS HE DOES SO ALL THE KAS MEMBERS AND THE SWAN DISAPPEAR.
KENNETH IS ASLEEP AT THE TABLE AND WAKES UP SUDDENLY.
KEN:
Its on my hard drive!
HE BLINKS AWAKE AND LOOKS AROUND THE KITCHEN.
KEN:
God I'd better lay off......whatever caused that.
HE LOOKS AROUND FOR A FEW SECONDS AND SEES NO-ONE . SUDDENLY A SWAN FALLS TO THE GROUND AND HE FEELS A HAND ON HIS SHOULDER AND HEARS THE VOICE OF MAN1.
MAN1:
When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, are the boring bits.
KENNETH TURNS AROUND BUT THERE IS NO-ONE THERE.
END.
