British Comedy Guide

Skit Comp 1 - 7.6.11

Grate as usual so congratulations to GERRY McDONNELL for wiping betwixt our cheeks. Get rat-anussed and PM me for next week's topic please.
Hence:
Votes - Points - Name

4 - 10 - Gerry McDonnell
3 - 5 - Tuumble
2 - 1 - Michael Monkhouse

Your new subject: LEGAL (chosen by AngieBaby)
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sex or inside leg measurement, except the kid who used to steal my dinner money.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's original and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 7.6.11

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

192! - Mr Sunshine
170 - Kasm
159 - Otterfox
148 - Michael Monkhouse
143 - Cool Mikado
132 - Nigel Kelly
112 - Jebsly
108 - Frankie Rage
105 - Timbo
103 - Charley Rance
98 - Fred Peters
97 - Angiebaby
77 - Ishy
76 - Gerry McDonnell
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
56 - Alex Mahon, Scratchyr
37 - Afinkawan
35 - Don P. Musey
32 - James, Swerytd, Paul Watson
30 - Stephen Goodlad
28 - Leevil
26 - Bushbaby, David Chapman
25 - Craig H
23 - Roscoff
22 - Blobster
21 - Nil Putters, Mikey J
20 - James Harris, Kevin Murphy, Dannyjb1, Niteowl, Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - Ellie
16 - Reg N, Eggie
15 - Cinnamon, Dale
14 - Stephen Birch
13 - Badge
12 - Geoff Mutton, Will Cam
11 - Shirl the Whirl, Steven
10 - Tuumble, Sean Night, Robo, Nitram Skir, Socrates, Tom Campbell, Tommy Power, Waring
09 - Shandonbelle, ajp29, ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - The Giggle-O, garyd, Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil, Hellboy, Wayne Lewis, John Kelly, Andrew Lynch
05 - Flavian, Sean, Karlos the Great, Drew, Pedros, Summer G, Mannikin Bird, Greggles, Happy Shopper, Timothy Marshal-Nichols, Rob B
04 - Andy W, losaavedra
02 - Stu R, Imamazed, Slack Bladder, Paul Nash, Boits, Gavin
01 - Scar Bum, veedeeplex, Grem, Macca, Ming The Mirthless, Minty, Shpadoinkle, Shaggy292, amillionpounds, Jake How, David Bussell, Charisma, Skibbington von Skubber, Ginger Jesus, Nick Rivers, Daddy Maz, Martin Bickle, Batman, Ray Dawson, Marion, Tooting Jo

Any ballsups, PM me please.

A CHEERFUL JINGLE PLAYS AND WE SEE LORRAINE KELLY AND A GREY HAIRED GENTLEMAN IN A SUIT SITTING ON A LARGE SOFA.

LORRAINE KELLY:
Good morning and welcome back to morning breakfast with me Lorraine Kelly and our special guest Mr A. B. S. Corpus Q.C. who is here to answer your questions on the law. Good morning Mr Corpus.

MR CORPUS:
Good morning Lorraine.

LORRAINE KELLY:
Well we've already had a lot of emails on the subject of the law including this one from a Mr Crawley from Droitwich, he writes 'my next door neighbour is really really annoying, would it be legal for me to stab him in the face until he dies?' So Mr Corpus is it OK for Mr Crawley to do that or is that a wee bit naughty.

MR CORPUS:
[SHOCKED] A wee bit naughty! It's a bit more serious that, that would be murder and it's about as serious a crime as you can get.

LORRAINE KELLY:
Oh dear, sorry Mr Crawley seems like you'll have to put up with your annoying neighbour a wee while longer. Next we have a Mrs Mabel Parsons on the line from Brighton. Hello Mabel, what is your question for Mr Corpus.

MABEL PARSONS:
Good morning Lorraine, I'm 73 you know.

LORRAINE KELLY:
Oh that's marvellous, good for you Mabel, so what did you want to ask Mr Corpus today?

MABEL PARSONS:
Well Lorraine I'm a pensioner on a low income and sometimes struggle to make ends meet, if I were to go into the shops and put some cat food in my pockets can I keep it?

MR CORPUS:
Erm, well Mabel I'm sorry to say that, that would be called shoplifting and it's a form of theft. It's also very much illegal.

LORRAINE KELLY:
Oh dear Mabel never mind, that was a good idea though. Isn't this law stuff absolutely fascinating. You've taught us a lot today Mr Corpus.

MR CORPUS:
Well this is all very basic stuff, I think everyone should be aware that such acts are criminal.

LORRAINE KELLY:
Ooh listen to you Mr Smartypants, not all of us can go to law school and be experts. Well thank you very much for your time here today, next up we have Giles Brandreth who's here to tell us about his absolutely fascinating new book, 'The History of Biscuits'. So Mr Corpus are biscuits legal?

MR CORPUS:
Biscuits? Er yes of course.

LORRAINE KELLY:
Phew well that's a relief, I'm partial to a wee Jammy Dodger once in a while. Thanks again Mr Corpus, please join us after the break.

JINGLE PLAYS AS CAMERA ZOOMS OUT.

BERLUSCONI'S COCK

(tune: 'My Grandfather's Clock')

Berlusconi's cock
Is too large for his health,
So he keeps it in a jar by the door;
It is larger by half
Than the twat's brain itself,
And it lives in the mouths of young whores.
It has brought him the horn
Since the day that he was born,
And is always his treasure and pride;
And will pop, gunge,
Splooge his two nads' throat cream,
Till the old fart dies.

CHORUS:
Sixty years that prick's chundering,
Ding, dong, sing, song,
His wife somehow didn't know,
Shling, shlong, what fun,
It'll shoot, splurge,
Cough up the penis paste,
Till the old tart dies.

In watching its pendulum
Swing to and fro,
Many hours had he spent while a boy;
And in childhood and manhood
The cock seemed to grow,
And to share both his grief and his joy.
For it f**ked twenty whores
As he entered their back doors,
With a booming and beautiful ride;
And will jizz, cream,
Upchunk nasal dripping,
Till the old twat dies.

CHORUS
Sixty years that knob's floundering,
Ding, dong, sing, song,
His wife's never seen him cum,
Shling, shlong, such fun,
It'll retch wads,
Knock out the funky spunk,
Till the old dork dies.

Berlusconi said
That of those he could fire,
Not a servant so faithful he found;
For it wasted no time,
And had but five desires:
Two boobs, two cheeks, one furry mound.
And it kept in its place,
Not a frown upon its face,
And its foresk never hung by its side.
And will skeet, barf,
Ball-sack bolognaise,
Till the old arse dies.

CHORUS
Sixty years that shaft's axle-greased,
Ding, dong, sing, song,
His life's one long beef extract,
Shling, shlong, what fun,
It'll cream, steam,
Dink drink, sob Cyclops' tears,
Till the old git dies

It banged twelve old tramps
And one died of the fright,
So he bribed twelve lawyers to keep shtum;
And when politicians
Were fuming 'It's not right',
Then he banged them too, right up the bum.
Still the cock gives the time,
With its soft and muffled slime,
Then it silently droops by his side.
And will foam, goo,
Home brew the gonad glue.
Won't the old sod die?

CHORUS
Sixty years oil of Man, pearl drops,
Splooge, splonk, soap scum,
White love piss, Cupid's toothpaste,
Lumpy jet-stream.
Won't he stop, short,
Never to come again,
Won't that arsehole die?

INT - AN OFFICE

LAWYER - AGED EARLY 60s - DRESSED IN A CONSERVATIVE SUIT

MR FLYNN - AGED MID 40s - DRESSED IN A CASUAL SHIRT AND JEANS

LAWYER
Youl'll find here at Dobson, Robson and Dobson, that we adopt an impartial stance towards all our clients, regardless of their alleged crime.

MR. FLYNN
I'm glad to hear that, I can't get Legal Aid anywhere else.

LAWYER
Now, Mr. Flynn, it says in the police report that you flagged down and hijacked an elderly male motorist under the pretence that you were bleeding to death?

MR. FLYNN
I was bleeding - bleedin' late for the reunion (LAUGHS) Seriously, I only meant to borrow the old wreck.

LAWYER
That 'old wreck' is now on beta blockers and maximum strength tranquillisers Mr. Flynn.

MR. FLYNN
I meant the car.

LAWYER
Furthermore, the gentleman reports that he can now only sleep with the reassuring presence of a glow in the dark teddy bear nightlight.
However, you're my client, it's all hearsay till proven otherwise.

MR. FLYNN
They're good, them nightlights. I got one for me bulldog.

LAWYER
Allegedly, repeat, allegedly, you forced the gentleman into the back of the vehicle where he soiled his trousers in fright, before you, allegedly, drove through several villages at breakneck speed whilst singing obscenities at the top of your voice.

MR. FLYNN
They were proper songs, aint you never heard of....

LAWYER
MR. FLYNN...Please let me continue...the gentleman also reported that you allegedly rifled through his CD and rare cassette tape collection, and bizarrely, you then discarded them, one by one, out of the speeding vehicle, can you explain this?

MR. FLYNN
Jefferson Airplane and The Mamas and the Papas?? Hippy shit, what self respecting former punk rocker listens to that??

LAWYER
You were a punk rocker Mr Flynn?

MR. FLYNN
That's why I was tearing it to the Beyond Bollocks reunion, I was missing the first band 'n all...The Vicious Cheese Wire Cuts.

LAWYER
I see.

THE LAWYER GETS UP AND TURNS HIS BACK REVEALING A LONG GREY PONYTAIL.
HE WALKS TO A SHELF AND SWITCHES ON A CD PLAYER.

A SONG BEGINS TO PLAY - 'IF YOU'RE GOING TO SAN FRANCISCO, BE SURE TO WEAR SOME FLOWERS IN YOUR HAIR'....
HE SWAYS AND SINGS ALONG BEFORE TURNING TO FACE MR. FLYNN

Not cool man, throwing those tunes away. Now f**k off out of my zone dude.

END.

SURBURBAN STREET. NIGHT. A POLICE CONSTABLE APPROACHES THE DOOR AND RINGS THE BELL. THE DOOR IS OPENED ON THE CHAIN BY A DOTTY OLD LADY IN A DRESSING GOWN.

Constable: Mrs David? It's the police.

Mrs David: Oh, thank you constable for coming so quickly.

Constable: That's quite alright madam - that's what we're here for. Can I come in?

Mrs David: Of course.

MRS DAVID OPENS THE DOOR AND LEADS THE CONSTABLE THROUGH TO THE KITCHEN. HE TAKES A NOTEBOOK FROM HIS TOP POCKET AND STARTS TO MAKE NOTES.

Constable: Now what appears to be the problem?

Mrs David: Well, I was looking out the kitchen window and I saw this shadowy figure in the bushes.

Constable: (GULPS) Shadowy figure?

Mrs David: Over there in the corner.

Constable: What? Where?!

Mrs David: Oh, I can't see him now - but he must be out there somewhere.

THE CONSTABLE STARTS TO LOOK NERVOUS AND FINGERS HIS COLLAR.

Mrs David: He was wearing a balaclava too.

Constable: (SHAKEN) A ba-balaclava?

THE CONSTABLE IS STARTING TO LOOK REALLY CONCERNED

Mrs David: Yes, crocheted. Dark brown it was, not black. Looked like Shetland wool but my eyesight's not what it was...

THE CONSTABLE STEADIES HIMSELF ON THE KITCHEN WORKTOP. HE IS SWEATING PROFUSELY.

Mrs David: I'm sorry. Was it important?

Constable: (HYPERVENTILATING) Oh yeah! Was he acting like, y'know, all suspicious like?

Mrs David: Creeping about in my dalias after midnight wearing a balaclava? Oh, I hardly think so. I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation.

THE CONSTABLE SUDDENLY SEES AN OPPORTUNITY TO CHICKEN OUT AND NOT INVESTIGATE THE CASE

Constable: Yeah. Probably nothing. Probably looking for something like er, like his reading glasses or something.

Mrs David: (UNCONVINCED) I suppose so...but why the balaclava?

Constable: Brrrrr! It's surprisingly chilly for June, don't you think?

MRS DAVID GLANCES AT HER BAROMETER WHICH IS READING 23 DEGREES CELSIUS. SHE TAPS THE GLASS TO CHECK IT'S WORKING CORRECTLY.

Constable: A woollen cycling helmet then. It is very dark afterall. It's extremely dangerous out there.

Mrs David: Constable, I don't mean to sound sceptical but I've never needed to wear protective head gear, woollen or otherwise, to look for my glasses. Not in the garden anyway.

Constable: Ohhh, you'd be surprised! We're always getting called out to rescue people searching for optical equipment after sundown.

Mrs David: I never realised...

Constable: Oh yes. A very common problem I think you'll find.

PUZZLED, MRS DAVID PEERS INTO THE GLOOM OF THE GARDEN TO SEE IF SHE CAN SEE ANYONE OUT THERE

Constable: Well I'm glad we got that sorted...

Mrs David: What?

AS MRS DAVID TURNS WE SEE THE CONSTABLE HURRIEDLY LEAVE THE KITCHEN AND HEAD OUT THE FRONT DOOR. WE THEN SEE HIM BREAK INTO A RUN DOWN THE STREET. WE THEN HEAR A COMMOTION AS MRS DAVID COMES OUT THE FRONT OF THE HOUSE WITH 'THE SHADOWY FIGURE' IN AN ARM LOCK.

Mrs David: Right sunshine! You're nicked!

Shadowy Figure: Jesus Christ, woman! Can't a man look for specs without fear of being assaulted these days? What the hell is this country coming to...

ENDS

INT: CHURCH
A PRIEST IS PERFORMING A WEDDING CEREMONY.

PRIEST: Does anyone here present know of any legal impediment to why these 2 should marry, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.

BRIDESMAID: I do, there's a third person in this marriage.

BRIDE: I told you not to make a fuss on my big day.

BRIDESMAID: And I told you not to make me wear this dress.

BRIDE: Twins always dress the same. Besides we're literally joined at the hip... I didn't have much choice.

PRIEST: What is the reason for your objection?

BRIDESMAID: I've been shagging him behind her back.

BRIDE: You mean 'our' back, the one we share, along with our small and large intestines. How could my own sister do this to me?

BRIDESMAID: You're a heavy sleeper.

BRIDE (TO GROOM): And what's your excuse?

GROOM: I can't tell you apart.

This sketch is in violation of super-injunction PLN37 and has been deleted.

Cholmondley, Hove & Foxtrot Solicitors. Est. 1887.

OPPORTUNITY KNOCKS.

INT. SOLICITORS OFFICE.

MAN 1
Good morning sir, would you like a seat?

MAN 2
Yes, thank-you.

MAN 1
How about this beautiful leather sofa sir, I believe it retails at £1500.

MAN 2
Very nice I'm sure, thank-you.

MAN 1
To you sir £400.

MAN 2
Sorry but I don't understand.

MAN 1
For the sofa sir, lovely don't you think?

MAN 2
I don't want the f**kin sofa. I came here for legal advice. I'm an entrepreneur
on the verge of bankruptcy.

MAN 1
What a cruel world, so are these solicitors, I'm the bailiff floggin their gear.

MAN 2
£1500? Include the oak table and the executive swivel chair and your on.
Will you take a post dated cheque?

1. INT POLICE STATION. AN OFFICER (JONES) IS ESCORTING A PORTLY MIDDLE AGED MAN (DAVID) INTO THE STATION. A SERGENT (PETERS) IS SITTING BEHIND THE DESK

JONES:
Stop struggling you scrote.

DAVID:
I'm not struggling.

JONES PULLS HIS TRUNCHEON OUT

SGT PETERS:
Steady Jones. Remember what happened at the WI.

JONES SULLENLY PUTS HIS TRUNCHEON AWAY

SGT PETERS:
Name?

DAVID:
David Smith. Now, I don't know why I've been dragged down here. All I did was stop over in a parking space ten minutes longer than I should have.

SGT PETERS:
Yeah. Yeah. Heard it all before. (mimics a whining voice). Sorry officer I've forgotten to pay my parking ticket. Please officer, I didn't mean to inject heroin into my sons face. Honest officer, I didn't mean to eat those forty prostitutes I murdered. Blah, blah, blah. Get him on the scales Jones.

DAVID:
Eh?

SGT PETERS:
It's a new initiative from Whitehall. Going to save us a fortune in trials and all that nonsense.

JONES:
Some scientist reckoned he could weigh criminality. Before he was discredited that is.

SGT PETERS:
So we've got some literal scales of justice. Now hop on and we'll see just how much of a slag you really are.

PETERS PULLS A LARGE SET OF BALANCE SCALES OUT AND MAKES DAVID SIT ON ONE SIDE. HE THEN OPENS A BOX WITH SOME WEIGHTS IN IT AND PULLS OUT A TINY ONE

SGT PETERS:
We'll start with swearing in a confined space.

THE SCALES DON'T MOVE.

FADE:

2. INT POLICE STATION. PETERS HAS TWO MORE WEIGHTS.

SGT PETERS:
Speeding? Nope. Petty theft? Nope.

FADE

3. INT POLICE STATION. JONES IS CRYING AND BEING CONSOLED BY PETERS. THE SCALES ARE PILED HIGH WITH WEIGHTS, DAVID IS STILL SITTING UNCOMFORTABLY ON ONE SIDE OF THE SCALES.

JONES:
Oh God Sarge. He just looks so normal. How could he?

SGT PETERS:
It's ok Jones. I think we're both going to need some time off after this.

HE GRABS DAVID BY THE COLLAR

SGT PETERS:
You scumbag, you viscious, dirty, scumbag. I'm looking forward to seeing you get sent down.

A SMALL, THIN MAN COVERED IN BLOOD IS WALKING OUT OF THE POLICE STATION PAST THEM. PETERS SMILES AT HIM.

SGT PETERS:
Oi Geoff, you time waster. Next time your cat gets stuck in a tree, just borrow a ladder.

A SPOOF ADVERT

THE CAMERA GOES TO A CLOSE-UP ON A FAT MAN

FAT MAN:
Here at injury-legal-4-U-4-eva we believe that you deserve compensation if you've had an accident that wasn't your fault. Our team are waiting for your call now.

CUT TO A SMARTLY DRESSED WHITE MALE WALKING SPEEDILY

WHITE MALE:
I'm so effective at what I do; I haven't even got time to stop to talk to the camera.

CUT TO A SMARTLY DRESSED BLACK MALE

BLACK MALE:
If you're from an ethnic minority, you can trust me as I am quite clearly a black man. If you're not from an ethnic minority, you can still trust me as I have a posh voice.

CUT TO A SMARTLY DRESSED WHITE FEMALE

WHITE FEMALE:
99.5% or our road traffic accident claims involve women, so ladies call in now. I may be a female, but I dress like a man and am sexually ambiguous.

CUT TO AN ODD LOOKING PERSON

ODD LOOKER:
I'm an oriental dwarf albino transsexual but my background does not define me. My ability to get you compensation does.

CUT TO A SEMI-RECOGNISABLE ACTOR

ACTOR:
I once starred in The Bill, so you know what I'm saying is true.

Have you had an accident in the workplace that your boss can't prove was the result of you being an idiot? You're entitled to compensation.

Have you slept with a fat woman, fell off and broke a hip? We'll make sure she loses a few pounds.

Have you married a blonde or brunette who's gave birth to a ginger baby? We'll make that bitch pay!

CUT BACK TO FAT MAN

FAT MAN:
At injury-legal-4-U-4-eva, we'll get you the EXACT amount of compensation you deserve.

TELEPHONE RINGS...ANSWERED...

RECEPTIONIST: Hello, Southampton City Council.

POSH OLD MAN: Err, hello. Now, I've a rather unusual request, I wasn't sure who to contact. My wife said try the council, they'll sort you out!

RECEPTIONIST: We'll try, how can I help Sir?

POSH OLD MAN: Well, we've just had a rather unfortunate guest turn up outside our front gates. We've managed to contain him but he looks rather worse for wear, very unwell.

RECEPTIONIST: Ok, can you explain a little more please Sir?

POSH OLD MAN: Certainly, I can only assume he's come-a-cropper part way through his journey, they do travel such large distances, without food or water. Poor chap, just too much for him I suppose.

RECEPTIONIST (concerned): Right, please be more specific?

POSH OLD MAN: Ah yes, well best way to put it; we've an ill eagle in our care. Haha, what are the chances! Not sure what to do with the blighter.

RECEPTIONIST: An illegal...immigrant?

POSH OLD MAN: That's one way to put it!

RECEPTIONIST: I'll transfer you immediately to our Immigration officer.

PHONE IS ON HOLD...

POSH OLD MAN: What? Bah...on hold!

IMMIGRATION OFFICER (serious tone): Hello Sir, I understand you have an injured refugee at your property?

POSH OLD MAN: Refugee, that's another way of describing him too I suppose! I was just trying to say to your receptionist, probably best to put him out of his misery. I did think of using the 12-bore, but since they're unusual visitors and he's a big fellow, might be quite a job. Don't want to make a hash of it!

IMMIGRATION OFFICER: Pardon Sir? That would be murder!

POSH OLD MAN: Murder, pah? I was going to call the vet but since he's technically on council land...

IMMIGRATION OFFICER: Barbarian! I should warn you any form of violence is against his human rights and immoral!

POSH OLD MAN: Human rights? What?

IMMIGRATION OFFICER: Sir, you may come from an older school of thought, believing in rougher justice, but you must not harm him in any way and provide the basic privileges of water and food whilst he is in your custody.

POSH OLD MAN: Excuse me, I wasn't going to torture him, how dare you! And I'll have you know my wife has already put out a bowl of water and some cat food for him.

IMMIGRATION OFFICER: Cat food?! Are you attempting to denigrate him further, after what he's already been through?

POSH OLD MAN: Well, what would you have her put out? Fillet steak? Anyway we thought they liked that kind of thing, the foxes and hedgehogs can't get enough of Whiskers.

IMMIGRATION OFFICER (shocked): Sir, please be aware I am now recording this conversation for legal reasons.

POSH OLD MAN: Legal reasons!?

IMMIGRATION OFFICER: Please provide your address? We will contact the relevant authorities and have officers sent to your residence immediately. I should note if we find any evidence of mistreatment of this person you will be liable to prosecution under...

POSH OLD MAN: Person!? this isn't a person.

IMMIGRATION OFFICER: Bigot!

POSH OLD MAN: The world's gone mad. I'll just call the bloody vet!

Int: Solicitor's office

Mr Jones:
So, Mr Willingham, you feel you are being discriminated against?

Mr Willingham:
Yes. You see, I'm one of the... how is it put... recently reanimated...

Mr Jones:
I had noticed when you shuffled in.

Mr Willingham:
Well, I've been trying to get a job, and I feel I've been turned away because of my... condition.

Mr Jones:
Can you give me an example?

Mr Willingham:
When I was alive, well, more alive, I always wanted to be a hand model. A silly dream, I know, but I thought I'd take advantage of my comeback, as it were, to pursue all those silly dreams. Anyway, they turned me down flat! I reckon it's because I'm undead, and that's not fair!

Mr Jones:
It might just be because you have half the flesh on your hands missing, you know.

Mr Willingham:
Hmm... what about The Ivory? They wouldn't even let me be a waiter, something about the smell!

Mr Jones:
To be fair, it is rather overpowering. It's all I can do not to be sick myself. Is there any other jobs you have been refused?

Mr Willingham:
Well... there's Tesco - they wouldn't let me be a shelf stacker.

Mr Jones:
Shelf stacker, eh? You're decaying, have little hand eye co-cordination, half a brain and you smell like a fetid swamp... Mr Willingham, I think we have a case!

(NON-EXISTENT TV PROGRAM MUSIC)

PRESENTER: Hello there and welcome to I've Been Framed! The show that charges you £200 to plead your innocence. Much like a real court of appeal if you appear something might be done about your case.
Here we have the only person to ever be featured on I've Been Framed, due to the untimely deaths of the other 5 candidates involving 3 pieces of rope, an owl and an inebriated pianist.
He is a right little nose picker, you may have seen him avoiding Leicester because he is allergic to cheese or simply shuffling down the street in an uncouth manner.
Here he is Mr Gerry Jones!

GERRY JONES: Hi Ted!

PRESENTER: My name is not Ted.

GERRY JONES: I thought it was, why would someone lie to me?

PRESENTER: My name is quite cleary "Presenter", a name which carried a hefty burden in my childhood. My parents were lazy writers you see, neither of them even wrote any novels they were just that lazy. Regardless this show is about you, as disgusting and mind-numbingly dull as you are. So what have you been charged with?

GERRY JONES: (READS OFF PAPER) You've been charged with premeditated murder.

PRESENTER: Ah preditated murder been around for years that one. So how will you plead your innocence?

GERRY JONES: Well firstly, I have never medi-wossitsname in my entire life let alone premedi-thingy. Secondly, the murder took place in a nightclub in Grimsby and I was with 6 other people in Nottingham.

PRESENTER: Why didn't you get those 6 people to plead your case then?

GERRY JONES: I murdered them.

END SCENE!

INT. LOUNGE. NIGHT

A BURGLAR IN HIS LATE TEENS IS BEING HELD IN AN ARMLOCK BY A CONSTABLE AS A SERGEANT LOOKS ON SMUGLY

SERGEANT:
Gotcha, bang to rights, Gurney. You, my son, are nicked for breaking and entering. Okay, constable - read him his rights.

CONSTABLE:
Oh, come one Sarge, do I have to?

SERGEANT:
By the book, lad. Let's make this one stick.

CONSTABLE (Sighs):
Okay, Wayne Gurney, you have the right to remain silent. You have the right to complete anonymity due to 'legal reasons' while your victims will be named. You have the right to a comfy cell with three square meals a day of superior quality to those in any NHS hospital - to include five servings of fruit and veg. You have the right not to be made to feel bad about your crime, because you may have been a bit deprived when growing up and your mum probably didn't hug you enough. You have the right...

(FADES DOWN THEN UP A LITTLE LATER)

... the right to Open University courses and vocational training - absolutely free of charge. You have the right to a completely new identity and round the clock protection when you get out so you're not inconvenienced by your past criminal record - all paid for by the victims of your crimes. You have the right...

(FADES DOWN THEN UP A LITTLE LATER)

... have the right to free legal representation for any spurious complaints you may have about your cell being a bit chilly, or your clothes chafing and causing you an annoying itch. You have the right...

(FADES DOWN THEN UP A LITTLE LATER)

... right to access the worldwide web featuring entertainment and clips from YouTube-

WAYNE:
Oi! What was that last bit?

CONSTABLE:
What? Um, er, worldwide web feat-

WAYNE: (SUDDENLY)
You swine! Web feat?(SOBBING) I've got web feet!! You're ridiculing my disability. I know my rights! I'm going to sue you for the emotional damage you've just caused. Oh, I'm so distraught - I may need counselling.

SERGEANT MAGGOT: (SIGHS)
Okay, lad, let him go. Got us on a technicality, again. But listen here, Gurney, next time we're going to nail you.

GURNEY:
Yeah, whatever.

END

INT. DAY. COURTROOM.

JUDGE:
The case against Oge Coss is now in session. Oge Coss, what a rubbish name... Sorry lets begin.

BARRISTER:
Oge. May I call you Oge?

OGE:
Well that is my name.

BARR:
Or is it? Is it true 'Oge Coss' that your name is in fact Roger Cross and the only reason you dropped your 'r's is because you cannot pronounce them.

OGE:
No.

BARR:
And is it true that you sell drink in your off-license at illegal prices because you have crossed out all the 'r's on your drinks so that Carlsberg becomes 'Calsbeg', beer becomes 'bee' and spirits become 'spiits'.

OGE:
No

BARR:
And isn't it interesting that you have chosen your words so carefully that you have yet to say a word with the letter 'r' in it.

OGE:
I admit it is a little unusual but not am... a fact.

BARR:
Just there, would it not have been easier to say 'not true' there rather that 'a fact'?

OGE:
No. Even if you found that I cannot say it, it still would not am.... show that I am guilty of the allegations levelled against me.

BARR:
You see! [GETTING A LITTLE DESPERATE] Loads of times there he avoided using 'r's...

[LOOKING AROUND FOR SUPPORT] C'mon, this is ridiculous....Let's see...am what am...where...tell us...tell us...Just tell us the truth. The people want the truth!

OGE:
About what?

BARR:
Why did you not say 'the truth about what'? That would have been the obvious answer.
Now Mr. Cross I want you to say loads of stuff until a word with an 'r' comes out. Begin...

OGE:
No. This is nonsense. Must we continue with this silly game.

JUDGE:
You're right Mr. Coss. You may si...

BARR:
No, I know he can't say 'r'. I know it. Just give me a good few more chances to prove it.
Roger, make a seal noise. Make the noise of a seal...Go arf arf arf.....No? Ok bark like a dog. Do this: ruff, ruff, ruff.......grrrrr.......

Aw come on! Say rhinocerous...... Say rhinoculars?

OGE:
Rhinoculars?

BARR:
Yes. They are like binoculars but specifically used for spotting rhinocerous.

JUDGE:
Thats it! He said it! Rhinoculars starts with an 'r'.

BARR:
Ok Roger. Say a couple of more.

OGE:
Rhubard, rhythm..

JUDGE:
You see, there we have it, concrete proof.

BARR:
Hold on. You are just saying words that begin with 'rh'.

OGE:
Rhine.

BARR:
Now are you saying 'Rhine' as in the river or the name 'Ryan'?

OGE:
The name.

BARR:
Damn it!

JUDGE:
There you go. I find the defendant Oge Coss innocent of all charges.

OGE:
B'illiant! Absolutely b'illiant!!

EVERYONE STARES ACCUSINGLY IN HIS DIRECTION.

END.

Share this page