The Computer Uprising

EXT. DAY. PRESENTER WALKING ALONG A STREET.

(PRESENTER)TOM:

Hello, Tom Follop here again. Tonight on Air My Grievance I'm going to look at those nasty pieces of technology that have ruined our lives. I am talking of course about computers.

We have to look at the cold hard facts, computers are taking over the world, soon they'll have the whole world taken over.... Basically what's happened to us is that the computers have taken all our terms and items that we have in our real world and have tried to pass them off as their own and then it looks like they invented them in their own virtual universe.

Just taking the word 'virtual' for instance. I mean I used to use the word virtual every day. 'Thank you for the compliment on my driving skills, the feeling is virtual' or 'The virtual reality on that computer is amazing'. Now computers have usurped the word and when you hear the word virtual these days you automatically think of computers. This is completely unfair.

And it's not just our vocabulary that is affected by the advent of this disgusting machine. You only have to look at the common highstreet to see that businesses are losing out because of this terrible invention.

I'm here in Foxbo Street on a Friday afternoon.

HE LOOKS AROUND AND REALISES THAT IT'S NIGHT AND HE IS IN A FOREST.

SCENE 2.

EXT. DAY. STREET.

TOM:
I'm here in Foxbo Street on a Friday afternoon. This shop used to be a lovely butchers but look at it now; it's a pharmacy, and if you look three doors down from that we have a computer store. What has happened? The pharmacy has become more popular that the butchers. The farm has failed, the butcher has buckled and a computer store sneaks in when no-one was looking.

The computer has crept into our psyche over the last number of years and has slowly but very quickly plucked vital components of our real world and made it part of its own virtual world and it has almost gone unnoticed. Before long we will have sunk into this virtual world and by then it will be too late to react.

You may think I am being over dramatic but when you look at the rate that our words and phrases are going missing you will see my point. I flicked through a dictionary the other day and half the pages were blank!

So what have we lost? Firstly take my good friend Willy Figgerty, better known to you and I as 'Wifi', gone; Notebook, gone; Virus, gone. Memory, keyboard, zip, windows, spam all gone. My uncle used to have a fine herd of avatar on his farm but again they seeped into the computer somehow. I haven't seen a real avatar since the 80's.

So what can be done?

It's clear that we must fight back and play computers at their own game. I'm happy to say that steps have been made in taking back words and items from these thieves of technology and the first step is in my hand right now... if you want to am (CAMERA STAYS STATIONARY) If you just zoom down...tilt it, just tilt it downwards a bit... (slightly angry) well zoom out then!

In my hand I have head apparel and attached to this item is a lock. Now this lock can be fitted on any item of headwear and is to safeguard against anyone adjusting the size. I like to call this little item a 'capslock'. We haven't stopped there I'm glad to say. Won't you come with me now as I go visit my good pal Ian Peters. I have his address on a piece of paper somewhere...ah here it is the IP address, you see how easily it's done.

You may notice that I am walking extremely rigidly. What I've done you see is to starch the bejesus out of my clothing therefore making it firmware...we're just going to walk through the 'gateway' here and the final hurdle before we reach the IP address is that nine foot wall that they are just setting alight now. Up and over the firewall and I've reached my destination.

TOM STRUGGLES BADLY TO SCALE THE 9 FOOT WALL IN HIS RIGID CLOTHING BUT KEEPS ATTEMPTING. CUT AND COME BACK. IT IS NOW DARK AND TOM IS STILL STRUGGLING TO CLIMB THE WALL. HE HAS SINGE MARKS ALL OVER HIM.

CUT AGAIN AND TOM IS NOW LYING ON HIS BACK, HE IS BREATHLESS WITH A LOOK OF RELIEF ON HIS FACE.

TOM:
Finally!! Thank God! Whew!! You know it was worth it just to prove the point that with perseverance and hard work we can beat this computer uprising. I think it was important for me to scale the wall as a metaphor for us against the computer. For a minute there I didn't think I'd-

CAMERAMAN:
Am, Tom... you're still on the wrong side of the wall.

TOM:
Oh....

WE SEEM TOM AGAIN TRYING IN VAIN TO GAIN ANY SORT OF PURCHASE ON THE WALL. FADE OUT.

END.

Ok I'll start....some good ideas in this. I would probably rephrase a few words but the premise is quite good. The thinking he is somewhere else was already done in The Rutles so you can scrap that little bit. All your sketches seem to be quite long can you not write a short sketch?

I think it could be shortened a little but that's just my opinion, it probably differs from yours.

Have to say I liked it overall

Not to be a dick but.

I could barely read it, is it all dialogue or action?

Any chance of a format change?

I have to agree, not sure what was happening or why

Oops sorry about that. I've tried to make it a bit clearer now if you want to have another read. There is a lot of dialogue in it but hopefully its a bit clearer now. The caps is action and the lowercase is dialogue.

Cheers guys.

Ok. First the layout is still dreadful. Huge chucks of text are really off putting which is why I can only surmise there is little feedback. But to the feedback

It's a little long I think you could easily reduce the run time by 50% The pace is a little baggy for my personal taste.

...Reading this back I sound like a Knob . Hope take it as constructive though.

It's far too much dialogue from one person and it didn't really make much sense.

Also, the "HE LOOKS AROUND AND REALISES THAT IT'S NIGHT AND HE IS IN A FOREST." bit is trying too hard to be Monty Python. It doesn't really add anything to the sketch.

I actually thought this was alright. Oh well it tells you what I know. I suppose I must cast it aside to pray at fortune.

Having come up against you almost every week on Skit comp, it's obvious that you're a very talented and innovative writer. I've always thought that your ideas were really original, plus you have a great turn of phrase and an excellent grasp of character.

You do tend to go for lengthier pieces, however, and I think this 'sketch' would be better if it was written as a blog or a humourous article for an online or mainstream magazine - as if penned by some psychotic journalist.

Because it is in critique, it feels out of place due to the sheer length of dialogue/monologue that Tom is saddled with.

I agree with Ben that things such as 'HE LOOKS AROUND AND REALISES THAT IT'S NIGHT AND HE IS IN A FOREST' and the 'if you want to am (CAMERA STAYS STATIONARY) If you just zoom down...tilt it, just tilt it downwards a bit... (slightly angry) well zoom out then!' don't really work because they seem as if they are from a completely different sketch.

If you kept the original premise and re-wrote it as a crazed rant then I think it would be better received.

But, as usual, I enjoyed the thinking and the imagery that you conveyed.

Thanks Kasm for your very constructive feedback. Perhaps it is best suited to a blog like you have said. I do think there is a semblance of a good idea in here aswell so I might not totally reject it just yet. I'll get my editting hat on and see what I can cut.

Cheers again and see you over in the skit comp