Skit Comp 20-27.5.11

Grate as usual so congratulations to ANGIEBABY for wiping betwixt our cheeks. Get rat-anussed and PM me for next week's topic please.
Hence:
Votes - Points - Name

6 - 10 - AngieBaby
4 - 5 - Ishy
3 - 1 - Timbo
Special mention - Nils Putter, sootyj
Quite special mention - Badge, Gerry McDonnell, scratchyr

Your new subject: THE FIRST TIME (chosen by Kasm)
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sex or inside leg measurement, except the kid who used to steal my dinner money.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's original and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 27.5.11

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

192! - Mr Sunshine
170 - Kasm
159 - Otterfox
147 - Michael Monkhouse
143 - Cool Mikado
132 - Nigel Kelly
112 - Jebsly
108 - Frankie Rage
105 - Timbo
103 - Charley Rance
98 - Fred Peters
97 - Angiebaby
77 - Ishy
66 - Gerry McDonnell, Jude
65 - Baumski
56 - Alex Mahon, Scratchyr
37 - Afinkawan
35 - Don P. Musey
32 - James, Swerytd, Paul Watson
30 - Stephen Goodlad
28 - Leevil
26 - Bushbaby, David Chapman
25 - Craig H
23 - Roscoff
22 - Blobster
21 - Nil Putters, Mikey J
20 - James Harris, Kevin Murphy, Dannyjb1, Niteowl, Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - Ellie
16 - Reg N, Eggie
15 - Cinnamon, Dale
14 - Stephen Birch
13 - Badge
12 - Geoff Mutton, Will Cam
11 - Shirl the Whirl, Steven
10 - Sean Night, Robo, Nitram Skir, Socrates, Tom Campbell, Tommy Power, Waring
09 - Shandonbelle, ajp29, ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - The Giggle-O, garyd, Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil, Hellboy, Wayne Lewis, John Kelly, Andrew Lynch
05 - Flavian, Sean, Karlos the Great, Drew, Pedros, Summer G, Mannikin Bird, Tumble, Greggles, Happy Shopper, Timothy Marshal-Nichols, Rob B
04 - Andy W, losaavedra
02 - Stu R, Imamazed, Slack Bladder, Paul Nash, Boits, Gavin
01 - Scar Bum, veedeeplex, Grem, Macca, Ming The Mirthless, Minty, Shpadoinkle, Shaggy292, amillionpounds, Jake How, David Bussell, Charisma, Skibbington von Skubber, Ginger Jesus, Nick Rivers, Daddy Maz, Martin Bickle, Batman, Ray Dawson, Marion, Tooting Jo

Any ballsups, PM me please.

Pete's first Prom.

PETE AND JONNY ARE STANDING IN LINE FOR THEIR FIRST SCHOOL PROM.PETE IS THE NEW KID IN SCHOOL AND HE'S BEEN BEFRIENDED BY JONNY WHO IS BASICALLY THE SCHOOL BULLSHITTER.

Jonny: Nah mate, you'll love it. First week at your new school and your first ever prom!?

Pete: Yeh... well, I mean, I've been to a couple of discos.

Jonny: Discos? Not the same league mate, not even the same division

Pete: Are divisions and leagues not the same thing?

Jonny: Hmmm, maybe. You see, a prom is much more than just a dance. It's much
more than just getting drunk with alcohol you bought from the shops before arriving. It's much more than creating your own hand stamp to avoid the £16 entry cost.

Pete: Really? But we don't have hand stamps or alco-

Jonny: (cutting Pete off) A prom embodies everything a 14 year old man, stands for. It'll make the hairs on your chest stand on end like...

Pete: The hairs on a dogs back?

Jonny: Yeh sure... if it's in the cold. You'll feel ferocious, like a lion!

Pete: Sleek like a cat?

Jonny: Exactly. This is what we call... (suitably 'epic' hand movements) 'The next level'.

(The door opens as people at the front of the queue walk inside the prom. The door closes again.)

Jonny: Did you hear that? The ritualistic beat of the drum. You'll be paraded and auctioned off. The girls will undress you with their eyes. Are you ready for that?

Pete: I did 8 squats before coming out here. As far as body fitness goes... I'm at a peak.

Jonny: Hmm, you sound ready.

Pete: You know what? I think I am.

Jonny: You only THINK you are? Usually means you're not.

Pete: Oh shit.

Jonny: Can you hear that? (mimicking drum) boom boom boom boom, take your clothes off, boom boom boom boom, dance the night away.

Pete: Just sounds like the beat to 'Umbrella' by Rihanna.

Jonny: Of course it does. What, are you crazy? You think they'd blast the 'auction beat' into the waiting queue? You'd shit your pants. This way your guard's down. Then they open the doors and BOOM you're in an auction.

Pete:...Really?

Jonny: Last year, £22 bought a slice of Jonny.

Peter: Wow... you must really know how to sell yourself?

Jonny: Want a tip?

Pete: Of course.

Jonny: Last year I went in there... with my tongue sticking out the side of my mouth.

Pete: Errr?

Jonny: Pity bid.

Pete: I see, but won't most of the girls in there realise that I've never been retarded before?

Jonny: I doubt they even noticed you before. Look, if anyone asks, just say you contracted it a couple days ago.

(Pete looks dubious)

Jonny: Start now, so it doesn't feel so strange when you get inside.

(Pete sticks tongue out of the side of his mouth)

Jonny: WOW! A dead ringer! Took me weeks to get the look right last year... you've nailed it straight away! Have you practiced this before?

Pete: (sarcastic) What? Looking like I have downs syndrome? Daily.

(The 2 are called to the front of the queue.)

Teacher on the door: Hiya boys, looking forward to it?

Jonny: Hi Miss, one spastic and one normal please...

(Peter glares at Jonny with his tongue still hanging out of his mouth, weakly.)

Teacher: awww Jonny! You know as a 'special chaperone',you get in for free, right?

Jonny: (Bites fist and in a whisper) ...yup.

(Pete has to pay his money and the 2 walk past)

Pete: (Putting his tongue back in his mouth abruptly) I hate you.

PETE AND JONNY ENTER THE PROM.

End.

LIKE A VIRGIN

BEDROOM.
A MAN is getting excited over a WOMAN...

MAN Right, you horny little temptress you! Been saving yerself up all virginal for me in'cha, well now's the moment I been waitin' for! Come here you innocent old sauce-pot, I'm deflowering yer!

WOMAN Um - Joseph...

MAN What, Mary?

WOMAN There's something I have to tell you... Let's not beat about the bush...

MAN That's precisely what I'm planning on doing.

WOMAN I - I'm pregnant.

MAN Oh my God...

WOMAN Yes that's who.

MAN I mean - Jesus...

WOMAN Right again.

MAN You just can't trust women can yer.

WOMAN You don't understand.

MAN Oh fandabidozy. I mean that's just swell, and I don't mean my tackle. First she says she's a tarty slapper, then she says I don't know nowt about the birds and the bees. Well I may be just a simple carpenter, not one of those poncey students burning down houses in protest, but...

WOMAN My son will be God.

MAN Typical woman - ooh look at my kid, I think he's God, he thinks I'm a Virgin, I reckon he'll be livin' with you for thirty years too 'stead o' getting a proper job like me... Now cut the crap and tell me exactly what happened.

WOMAN Well it's perfectly simple. I was conceived immaculately - without any stain...

MAN Eh?

WOMAN True to one of the four dogmas in Roman Catholic Mariology, preserved by God from Original Sin and filled with the sanctifying grace normally coming with baptism after birth, not to be confused with the Incarnation of my son Jesus Christ, whose birth is celebrated as the Annunciation. From early Catholic history, the belief shall be implicit in writings of the Church fathers, yea celebrated for centuries on 8 December, until 28 February 1476 when Pope Sixtus IV extends it to the entire Latin Church without defining it as dogma, thus leaving Roman Catholics free from charges of heresy should they choose not to subscribe thereto...

MAN Well I heard some excuses in my time but that's just nuts, and I still don't mean my tackle. I'm off for a beer and a fag and a couple of prossies - proper slags, not weirdos like you! (leaves)

WOMAN Men - you can't tell them anything these days.

A WIFE (aged mid 50s) IS SLUMPED ON A SOFA IN A DUSTY AND MESSY LIVING ROOM.
BEADS OF SWEAT RUN DOWN HER FOREHEAD.
THE TV IS ON AND SHE STARES AT THE SCREEN WHILST EATING SWEETS FROM A JUMBO BAG.

6PM - HUSBAND RETURNS FROM WORK AND ENTERS THE LIVING ROOM.
HE STOPS SUDDENLY AND STARES IN SHOCK AT THE COFFEE TABLE WHICH IS STREWN WITH ITEMS.
HE BEGINS TO RIFLE THROUGH THE MOUND OF STUFF, PICKING UP BITS IN WONDER.

HUSBAND
Mary, mother of Jesus, there's my missing watch, but I lost that ten years ago when we moved in here!

WIFE
You did John

HUSBAND
My glasses as well, and the dog's lead!...crikey, there's the signed picture of Desmond Tutu! and the spirit level and binoculars!
What? My swipe card for work, I nearly got suspended for losing that. Hey, my Showaddywaddy Greatest Hits CD! and my Guinness Is Good For You socks! and my Readers wives'...don't know where that came from...ah no; it can't be...my grandfathers First World War medal... This is a miracle!

How in St. Jude did all these turn up out of nowhere Deidre?

WIFE
(SHE HOLDS UP A HANDFUL OF M&M SWEETS BEFORE POPPING THEM INTO HER MOUTH) I dropped one of these down the back of the sofa.

SCENE 1: SUBURBAN STREET. DAY. A MAN (MR ROBINSON) IS DRIVING HIS CAR ALONG THE STREET - HE SEEMS HAPPY. ALL OF A SUDDEN A BLACK CAT WANDERS INTO THE ROAD AND ROBINSON TRIES TO TAKE EVASIVE ACTION BUT RUNS IT OVER AND CRASHES INTO A WALL.

SCENE 2: MR ROBINSON IS STOOD AT THE GATES OF HEAVEN WITH THE CAT. THEY SHARE ANNOYED GLANCES AS HE PRESSES THE BELL.

ROBINSON: Huh, a fine day this is turning out to be.

A VOICE COMES ONTO A CRACKLY INTERCOM.

ST PETER: Hello?

ROBINSON: Wha-? Who's that

ST PETER: St. Peter. Who are you?

ROBINSON: The name's Robinson. This place is looking an awful lot like heaven - am I dead?

ST PETER: I'd say that was fair bet, wouldn't you?

THERE'S A PAUSE

ROBINSON: Well? Are you going let me in?

ST PETER: (SIGHS) What, now? It's the weekend - can't you come back tomorrow?

ROBINSON: Look mate, it's bad enough I'm here at all so don't...

ST PETER: Alright, alright - I'll be there in a minute.

ROBINSON AGAIN LOOKS AT THE CAT WHO STARES BACK MENACINGLY WITH REDENING EYES

ROBINSON: Don't you go giving me evils - it's because of your blatant disregard of the highway code that I'm stood on this lousy cloud in first place. If you don't like it there's a perfectly good fire you can curl up in front of downstairs.

CUT TO A SHOT OF THE DEVIL SAT IN AN ARMCHAIR IN FRONT OF A ROARING FIRE WITH HIS FEET UP READING THE PAPER. THE ROOM IS GLOWING RED

CUT BACK TO THE GATES OF HEAVEN BEING UNLOCKED AND SEE ST PETER STOOD ON THE OTHERSIDE IN HIS DRESSING GOWN

ROBINSON: About time.

ST PETER: What do you want?

ROBINSON: (EXASPERATED) God almighty!

ST PETER: He's not working today. Sunday.

ROBINSON: No, it's you I need to see apparently.

ST PETER: (MUTTERS) Make up your bloody mind...

ST PETER REFERS TO A CLIPBOARD. HE FLICKS THROUGH THE PAGES WITH A PUZZLED LOOK ON HIS FACE

ST PETER: What was the name again? Robson?

ROBINSON: Robinson!

ST PETER: Ah yes, here we are. This your first time?

ROBINSON: Of course it is! I haven't died before.

ST PETER: Ah, a virgin death. You're the first we've had in a while actually - reincarnation is very popular at the moment. Tiddles here is a bit of regular.

ROBINSON: What? That sour puss?

ST PETER: Yep. Your fifth time isn't it Tiddles.

ST PETER: (TO ROBINSON) Nine lives y'see. Between you and me I think he's getting a bit bored of all the to-ing and fro-ing.

TIDDLES IS STILL SCOWLING

ST PETER: I can't deny we do need to streamline the process a bit. There's quite a lot of paperwork to fill in and it's a bloody long walk back to Earth from here especially if the lift isn't working. Which it isn't.

ST PETER: (TO TIDDLES) OK, can have your loyalty card please. I'll just stamp that so you can get your free saucer of milk in the cafe. One more trip and you'll be on to the cream. (SMILES)

TIDDLES WANDERS THROUGH THE GATES

ROBINSON: Loyalty card?

ST PETER: Yeah, it was God's idea - people were saying that heaven wasn't all it was cracked up to be so they wanted to cancel the contract and go back to have another go at life. The card is just something he introduced to try and persuade them to stick around for a while...and it does give you 5% off at the gift shop.

ROBINSON: (UNIMPRESSED) Nice.

ST PETER: (SADLY) Doesn't seem to be working unfortunately. If you want my opinion there seems to be bugger all to live for down there either especially with this credit crunch malarky. Certainly make's my life difficult when they turn up again at the pearly gates I can tell you - I have a helluva job getting them to pay their subs.

ROBINSON: You know what? I don't think I'll bother now.

ST PETER: Eh?

ROBINSON: I don't think I can stand all the red tape. Why don't you just turn a blind eye and let me go back. Give me a second chance.

ST PETER: Well, I don't know...

ROBINSON: I'm still outside the gates remember - it will save you on the old admin. Just drop me off back my car and we'll say no more about it.

ST PETER: It would be highly irregular...

ROBINSON: You'd get your Sunday back.

THERE'S A PAUSE

ST PETER: Aw, sod it - let's do it!

ST PETER SCREWS UP THE FORM AND THROWS IT AWAY. THE SCREEN FADES TO WHITE.

SCENE3: BACK ON THE STREET WHERE THE ORIGINAL ACCIDENT TOOK PLACE. WE SEE ROBINSON EMERGING FROM THE CRASHED CAR UNSCATHED.

ROBINSON: Bastard. He might at least have got the car repaired.

HE TRUDGES OFF DOWN THE ROAD AND ABSENT MINDEDLY CROSSES THE STREET ONLY TO SEE ANOTHER CAR BEARING DOWN ON HIM WITH TIDDLES BEHIND THE WHEEL. THERE IS AN ALMIGHTY CRASH.

SCENE 4: MR ROBINSON IS AGAIN STOOD AT THE GATES OF HEAVEN WITH THE CAT. THEY SHARE ANNOYED GLANCES AS HE PRESSES THE BELL.

ROBINSON: Hello?

ST PETER: We're closed!

ENDS

EXT. SCHOOL PLAYGROUND - DAY

A YOUNG MALE (JACK) IS CHATTING WITH A YOUNG FEMALE (KELLY)

KELLY:
I can't wait until tonight

JACK:
I'm really nervous

KELLY:
Don't worry, my parents will definitely be out all night

JACK:
No, not that. You know, I'm still a virgin.

KELLY:
Just go on to the internet and watch a dirty movie, that'll show you what to do.

JACK:
OK.

CUT TO A GIRL'S BEDROOM WHERE THERE'S CLEARLY BEEN A COMMOTION. JACK IS POINTING A GUN AT A TERRIFIED KELLY.

JACK:
I know what you're thinking. Did he fire six shots or only five?

A GUY (KENNETH) OF ABOUT 19 OR 20 WALKS IN HIS DRIVEWAY WITH A BAG ON HIS BACK. HE STEPS IN HIS FRONT DOOR.

KEN:
Mam! Is dinner ready, I'm starving?

HE OPENS THE KITCHEN DOOR AND THERE IS A STRANGE MAN SITTING AT THE COUNTER. HE IS DRESSED ALL IN BLACK WITH A BLACK HAT AND BLACK HORN-RIMMED GLASSES. HE TURNS IN HIS SWIVEL STOOL TO GREET KENNETH.

MAN:
Hello Kenneth.

KEN:
(SHOCKED) Who the hell are you? What are you doing here?

MAN:
Relax; all will be answered in good time Kenneth. Now, we can't stay chatting here all day. It is imperative that I tell why we are here. We are members of a secret society known as the KAS or the Keepers of the Ancient Secrets. We are over 600 years old and we originated in Britain and Ireland so you have most likely heard of us.

KEN:
No.

MAN:
I wouldn't expect you to have heard of us Kenneth. We are a secret society after all. Unfortunately this is not a social visit. This very afternoon you uttered a phrase that is written in our sacred scrolls, a phrase that is only know to the members of the KAS. It was the first time that this phrase was spoken since the 16th Century.

KEN:
I don't know what you're talking about. I spent the whole day speaking normal words, not any of your poxy jibberish.

MAN:
But you did Kenneth and it may have very grave consequences for the phrase that you uttered may have unlocked a great evil upon us. We now need to find out if you have somehow managed to come into contact with our sacred scrolls and that is why we have come here today.

HE LIGHTS A MATCH AND STARTS SMOKING IT.

KEN:
Why do you keep saying 'we', I only see you. Look I've never heard of your ancient sacred scrolls and I didn't mention anything that is written in them now can you please leave.

MAN:
I never mentioned that the scrolls were ancient Kenneth {BEAT} Now how would you know a thing like that? Maybe because at three seventeen this afternoon you, Kenneth Clutterbuck uttered chapter five paragraph nine of our sacred scrolls; verbatim.

HE TAKES OFF HIS GLASSES TO WIPE THE LENSES AND WHEN HE DOES SO HE HAS NO EYES. HE PUTS THE GLASSES BACK ON AND HE HAS EYES AGAIN.

When you spoke these words it triggered alarm bells in our alarm bell. We left immediately and we have been here ever since.

KEN:
But its only quarter past three now.This is gone way too weird. Can you leave, like now!

MAN WALKS OUT THE DOOR.

KEN:
What the hell was that!?

KENNETH SITS DOWN TO STEADY HIMSELF. AFTER A FEW SECONDS ANOTHER MAN WITH THE SAME ATTIRE CASUALLY STRUTS IN CLICKING HIS FINGERS FROM SIDE TO SIDE AND HUMMING.

MAN 2:
So Kenneth look its as simple as this you can come with us now or stay here.

KEN:
Well I'll.....I'll stay here then.

MAN2:
Oh........Alright Kenneth all we need to do is sit you down and subject you to some very rigourous tests.

MAN2 WALKS BEHIND THE COUNTER FLICKING A COIN. HE DROPS THE COIN AND BENDS DOWN TO PICK IT UP BUT A DIFFERENT MAN IN THE SAME ATTIRE COMES UP HOLDING AN EGG IN EACH HAND.

MAN3:
I rose these eggs from hens Kenneth.....

KEN:
I-is that a question?

MAN3:
We knew we would have a challenge on our hands Kenneth from the moment we heard the warning bells whistling. You are the bee who stung the hornets nest, the boy who tied his laces too close to the sun; you Kenneth are the cook who boiled his stew in a bucket of sick.

MAN 2 APPEARS BESIDE MAN 3 AND A FOURTH MAN COMES OUT OF THE UTILITY ROOM AND HAS NEWLY WASHED CLOTHES IN HIS HANDS. HE SMELLS THEM AND RECOILS IN DISGUST.

MAN 4:
Uuuuugh......they're lovely.

MAN 1 COMES BACK INTO SHOT TOSSING THE COIN THAT MAN 2 DROPPED.

MAN1:
Okay Kenneth we don't have much time left. Its simply down to heads or tails.

HE LEAVES DOWN THE COIN AND PICKS UP A SWAN.

MAN1:
(HOLDING THE SWANS HEAD) Heads we take you with us. (TURNS THE SWAN BACKWARDS) Tails we shoot you.

KEN:
What!!?

HE THROWS THE SWAN UP AND AS HE DOES SO ALL THE KAS MEMBERS AND THE SWAN DISAPPEAR.

KENNETH IS ASLEEP AT THE TABLE AND WAKES UP SUDDENLY.

KEN:
Its on my hard drive!

HE BLINKS AWAKE AND LOOKS AROUND THE KITCHEN.

KEN:
God I'd better lay off......whatever caused that.

HE LOOKS AROUND FOR A FEW SECONDS AND SEES NO-ONE . SUDDENLY A SWAN FALLS TO THE GROUND AND HE FEELS A HAND ON HIS SHOULDER AND HEARS THE VOICE OF MAN1.

MAN1:
When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, are the boring bits.

KENNETH TURNS AROUND BUT THERE IS NO-ONE THERE.

END.

Michael Monkhouse.

Tuumble for me

yeh, tumble gets my vote too. very entertaining throughout.

Mr. Tuumble.

Not sure if I'm eligible to vote as I'm new to these forums and have not taken part in the Skit Comp previously, but if my vote counts, my vote goes to Gerry McDonnell.

Close as usual - but gerry for me too

My vote would go to Michael Monkhouse

Gerry