Dating Disaster

1. INT PUB TWO WOMEN, SARA AND SALLY ARE TALKING

SARA:
What about internet dating?

SALLY:
I'm not sure. I'm worried about meeting some weirdos.

SARA:
This from the woman who was married to Geoff for ten years.

THE TWO WOMEN LAUGH

FADE

2. INT RESTAURANT SALLY IS SITTING WITH HER DATE (ROGER) LOOKING VERY UNCOMFORTABLE. SHE'S PAWING AT HER FOOD IN SILENCE. ROGER IS DOING THE SAME. NERVOUSLY SHE PICKS UP HER WINE AND TRIES TO TALK TO HIM.

SALLY:
So, Roger, what made you decide to become a town crier?

ROGER PRACTICALLY SHOUTS IN A BOOMING BRIAN BLESSED VOICE CAUSING SALLY TO SPILL HER DRINK OVER HER DRESS AND EVERYONE IN THE RESTAURANT TO LOOK AROUND.

ROGER:
HEAR YE. HEAR YE. MY VOICE HAS ALWAYS BEEN A BIT ON THE LOUD SIDE. MY WIFE RECKONS I BLEW ONE OF HER EAR DRUMS OUT. THAT'S WHY SHE LEFT ME.

SALLY TRIES WHISPERING

SALLY:
Divorce is terrible isn't it. I'm only just getting over mine.

ROGER:
HEAR YE. HEAR YE. TELL ME ABOUT IT. THE STRAIN HAS MADE ME IMPOTENT. DON'T WORRY THOUGH I'VE GOT SOME VIAGRA.

FADE

3. INT RESTAURANT AGAIN. SALLY IS SITTING NODDING AS A PROFESSIONAL LOOKING MAN IS CHATTING EARNESTLY WITH HER

JULIAN:
So, as you can imagine, being a gynaecologist you get pretty sick of seeing naked female flesh. Just the sight of your bare arms for instance is making me bilious.

FADE

4. INT RESTAURANT. SALLY SEES HER DATE COME IN AND HE'S DRESSED AS A ONE MAN BAND. AS HE WALKS THE DRUM SOUNDS. SHE SIGHS, JUST GETS UP AND WALKS OUT STRAIGHT PAST HIM.

FADE

5. INT RESTAURANT. SALLY IS LAUGHING AND JOKING WITH A MAN (JIM)

SALLY:
Stop, you're going to make me wet myself.

JIM:
Not a great idea on a first date.

SALLY SMILES

SALLY:
Do you want to come back for coffee?

JIM SMILES

JIM:
I'd love to. I'll just ask for the bill. Waiter.

HE RAISES HIS ARM TO SIGNAL TO THE WAITER TO REVEAL HE'S GOT A FALCONERS GLOVE ON IT. THERE IS A LOUD SCREECHING SOUND AS A BIRD OF PREY FLIES INTO THE ROOM. PEOPLE ARE SCREAMING AND FEATHERS ARE FLYING AROUND

JIM:
Try not to make any sudden movements.

SALLY HOLDS HER HEAD IN HER HANDS

Ishy, this is a mixture of naked genius and shit. Luckily it's 98% genius and only two percent shit.

The set up conversation is lumpy and unnecessary - find a simpler way to introduce the dating theme. Also most of the dialogue is fairly weak and leads no-where. The rest of the sketch however is amazingly inventive and genuinely hilarious.

I haven't read much - if anything - on here that's funnier than the 'hear ye' or falconer's glove bits. Extremely impressive.

What Godot says.

I would agree also. The Glove reveal is spot on.

Can you get those script makers to film this? Slight rewrite with the intro & it would make an excellent sketch!

Very funny, the town crier part especially, and loved the ending

Nice, but I agree with Godot (it happens).

I think Ishy is one of the top writers on here. This is another great sketch. Town crier was class and the falconer ending was excellent. Brilliant stuff.

I was waiting for Godot to say that.

The truth is this is a very funny sketch that has just been posted a bit to quickly.

If it had been subject to a few rereads and a bit of tightening prior to posting it would be quality, because the funny is already in it.

The only thing needed is the slow process of omission and enhancement, so get your head down and post it again once you've done the necessary and it will shine.

Excellent! Funny and fresh. Agree with the comments about losing the intro bit. Just slip in a line about internet dating somewhere and you're good to go. Good luck!

Thanks for the kind and constructive comments everyone. I've chopped out the intro and replaced the gynaecologist bit, which may work better?

1. INT RESTAURANT. A WOMAN (SALLY) IS SITTING WITH HER DATE (ROGER) LOOKING VERY UNCOMFORTABLE. SHE'S PAWING AT HER FOOD IN SILENCE. ROGER IS DOING THE SAME. NERVOUSLY SHE PICKS UP HER WINE AND TRIES TO TALK TO HIM.

SALLY:
Well, I never thought I'd meet a real town crier on my first internet date. What made you decide to do this Roger?

ROGER PRACTICALLY SHOUTS IN A BOOMING BRIAN BLESSED VOICE CAUSING SALLY TO SPILL HER DRINK OVER HER DRESS AND EVERYONE IN THE RESTAURANT TO LOOK AROUND.

ROGER:
HEAR YE. HEAR YE. MY VOICE HAS ALWAYS BEEN A BIT ON THE LOUD SIDE, WHICH HELPS. MY WIFE RECKONS I BLEW ONE OF HER EAR DRUMS OUT THOUGH. THAT'S WHY SHE LEFT ME.

SALLY TRIES WHISPERING

SALLY:
Divorce is incredibly stressful isn't it. I'm only just getting over mine.

ROGER:
HEAR YE. HEAR YE. TELL ME ABOUT IT. THE STRAIN HAS MADE ME IMPOTENT. DON'T WORRY THOUGH, I'VE GOT SOME VIAGRA.

FADE

2. INT RESTAURANT AGAIN. SALLY IS CHATTING TO ANOTHER MAN (JULIAN)

JULIAN:
I've had a really nice time this evening Sally. Maybe after our next date you could come over to my house and meet my mother.

SALLY:
Oh. I didn't know you still lived with you mum. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

JULIAN STARTS TO LAUGH

JULIAN:
It's ok, she won't cramp our style. She's been dead for ten years.

FADE

3. INT RESTAURANT. SALLY SEES HER DATE COME IN AND HE'S DRESSED AS A ONE MAN BAND. AS HE WALKS THE DRUM SOUNDS. SHE SIGHS, JUST GETS UP AND WALKS OUT STRAIGHT PAST HIM.

FADE

4. INT RESTAURANT. SALLY IS LAUGHING AND JOKING WITH A MAN (JIM). SHE SIPS HER WINE, SMILES AND LOOKS HIM IN THE EYE

SALLY:
I'm not usually this forward, but would you like to come back for coffee?

JIM SMILES

JIM:
Why not. I'll just ask for the bill. Waiter.

HE RAISES HIS ARM TO SIGNAL TO THE WAITER TO REVEAL HE'S GOT A FALCONERS GLOVE ON IT. THERE IS A LOUD SCREECHING SOUND AS A BIRD OF PREY FLIES INTO THE ROOM. PEOPLE ARE SCREAMING AND FEATHERS ARE FLYING AROUND

JIM:
Try not to make any sudden movements.

SALLY HOLDS HER HEAD IN HER HANDS

Really great stuff! I chuckled throughout.

I thought that was a really good script. Much more streamlined than the first draft great stuff!!!

I like the gynaecologist; to be honest I prefer it to the psycho replacement, which is the more cliche of the two, and unnecessarily moves the sketch into creepier territory.

..IBID TIMBO.

...I LIKE THE IDEA OF THE TOWN CRIER DATE BY ITSELF AND I'D BE TEMPTED TO DRAG IT RIGHT OUT, BUT YOU'VE GOT MORE THAN ONE IDEA AND THIS IS A NEAT ONE.