Is this going too far?

I am taking a break from My Bruntwood entry and starting on an idea I had a few months ago for a screenplay. I would like it to be like a Farrelly Brothers comedy and have this particular scene. What I don't want to do however is alienate people by going too far down the road of bad taste. As usual it is a bit long (sorry) and we join it in the previous scene which sets the premise to what comes next. Bear and Arthur are both in their Forties and have never really grown up. All comments please.

INT. THE LOUNGE OF A SCRUFFY PUB. AFTERNOON.

BEAR a forty year old, balding ex rugby forward sits in the dingy bar of an old fashioned Pub. He is joined by his long time friend Arthur, a slighly older and more overweight man with scruffy hair. They are both dressed in Jeans and Ben Sherman shirts. Arthur has a jacket hanging from the back of his chair. They both have a pint of beer on the table an there is an open copy of Readers Wives in front of Bear.

ARTHUR: What you reading?

BEAR:I'm not I'm just looking at pictures

ARTHUR: Susan says it's creepy

BEAR:It's a bit hairy I grant ya but I wouldn't call it creepy

ARTHUR: Mrs Harrison from Droitwhich

BEAR:Yeah

ARTHUR: She keeping you company tonight?

BEAR:I don't know I haven't decided yet

ARTHUR: Well if she does make sure she brings Mrs. palm and her five lovely daughters

BEAR: (looking at this thumb) It's only four lovely daughters this ones got a bit fat

ARTHUR: She doesn't seem to wash very much either, she looks greasy

Both take a long drink from their glasses

BEAR:You heard then?

ARTHUR:It was on the news, I assume it was about you, Headline said More misery ahead

BEAR:That I'll be it then

ARTHUR:What you gonna do?

BEARame as always, give it a couple of days and she will calm down

ARTHUR: Ok

BEARon't you want to know why she was mad?

ARTHUR: Nope

BEAR: Thanks

ARTHUR: It's my birthday next week

BEAR:I know twenty one again

ARTHUR: I know I still look young

BEAR:I meant stone

ARTHUR: Bollocks, anyway I was thinking there's a new bar opened in Leeds

BEAR:Yeah

Arthur reaches into his pocket and pulls out a dog collar and a chain

BEARh no, bollocks

ARTHUR: Come on

BEAR:F**k off Arthur

ARTHUR: But its my birthday

BEAR: I don't care, It's not for a few days anyway and besides I'm not doing it. Last time you nearly got me twatted

ARTHUR: It was good

BEAR:It might have been for you

ARTHUR: It was, you remember that little Blondie?

BEAR:Yeah, with the boyfriend like a brick shithouse

ARTHUR: Well

BEAR: Well? F**king hell I thought he was going to murder me, I looked at his knuckles and they said Love and Hat

ARTHUR: It was hate

BEAR: It might have been to start with but the E had worn away, How many people do you have to hit to wear away an E?

ARTHUR: I've thought about that

BEARidn't hurt yourself did you?

ARTHUR: No, I thought about it and I decided he couldn't be very good at fighting anyway

BEARh yeah, Why?

ARTHUR: Well if he was any good at punching he would have worn out the A or the T, wearing out an E means he is rubbish at throwing punches

BEARh well that makes it all better then, I'm not doing it

ARTHUR: Miserable Bastard

BEAR:That's me

ARTHUR: We having another?

BEAR:I got nowt else to do

ARTHUR: We having a session?

BEAR:Why not?

ARTHUR: Well in that case

Arthur drinks the remainder of his pint

ARTHUR: Put Mrs Harrison from Droitwich away, she looks like the missing link, and it's your round

CUT TO EXT. NIGHT. OUTSIDE A NEW LOOKING TOWN CENTRE WINE BAR.

Bear and Arthur are still dressed in the same clothes and are walking towards a Wine Bar. Arthur is wearing the collar and chain and is being led by Bear. Arthur has his tongue stuck into his bottom lip and is deliberately making his words unintelligible. Bear when anyone is within earshot is condescending and talks to Arthur like a small child. They approach the doorman.

DOORMAN: Sorry Gents you can't come in here

BEAR:Why?

DOORMAN: You have your mate on a leash

Bear examines the leash running from his hand to Arthur's neck and then looks back at the doorman

BEARf course I do, how else would I exercise him?

DOORMAN: Sorry?

BEAR:He's my brother and he's a nice fella but look at him

The doorman looks at Arthur. Arthur starts to make strange noises and suddenly moves forward. He is drooling and kisses the doorman fully on the lips, he then steps back and smiles

BEAR: (warning)Arthur, No.

The doorman pulls back and is angry. Bear holds up a hand defensively.

BEAR: Sorry about that mate, it's his birthday and he's excited, he can't help it, he was a Cage Fighter and he was in the ring and he got hit a bit too hard.

DOORMAN: Sorry to hear it

BEAR: That's why he is like this. He was going to the U.F.C. You look like you do a bit yourself

DOORMAN: I do

BEAR: Well you know what its like, a bad hold, your knackers get twisted and you end up like this

DOORMAN: What?

BEAR: He wasn't wearing a box, his testicles got squashed and well

Arthur looks at Bear as if to say hold on a minute

BEAR: Look at him

Arthur goes back to being happy

BEAR: We come here every year co's this is where he met his wife, she left him when he got injured but every year for his birthday we come here

DOORMAN: Oh

BEAR: I didn't realise it had changed hands, the last management used to let us in, we have a couple of drinks and then we go, Arthur is harmless really but I keep the collar on when we go out just in case

Arthur starts to pretend to cry

BEAR: I suppose we will just have to go home, It's ok mate come on

Arthur pretends to cry harder, they turn away. Bear puts a consoling arm around
his shoulder

DOORMAN: Hold on

They turn back towards the doorman, Arthur stops crying and looks at him in a
pleading way

DOORMAN: Ok lads come on in

BEAR: Are you sure?

Arthur looks at Bear as if to say don't push it, the doorman waits a few seconds and then looks at Arthur again

DOORMAN: Yeah, that's the worst thing I heard in a while, Women can be heartless man

BEAR: She was a first class bitch

DOORMAN: Go on in

Bear goes to get his wallet out, the doorman hold up his hand

DOORMAN: No fee lads, in you go, have a good time

Bear and Arthur walk up to the door, Arthur tries to kiss the doorman again and
Bear pulls on his leash hard.

BEAR:No Arthur, Stop it!

They enter the club

BEAR: Thanks Buddy

CUT TO INT. FOYER OF CLUB. SECONDS LATER.

ARTHUR: My knackers?

BEAR: Shut up, were in aren't we?

ARTHUR: I'm gonna get you back for that

BEAR: Shut up and drool

CUT TO INT. LARGE BRIGHTLY LIT BAR AREA. SECONDS LATER.

There are many well dressed professional women around and just a few men. Bear leads Arthur to the Bar and they are watched by almost everyone as they walk. They both sit on a barstool and a barman comes to greet them. Arthur is still making noises and drooling whilst he looks around the bar.

BARMAN: Is there no body on the door?

BEAR: There a big scary looking bastard out there, why?

BARMAN: No reason, what can I get you?

BEAR: I will have pint of Guinness and my brother here will have a Pink Lady

Arthur looks at Bear

BARMAN: A pink Lady?

BEAR: Yeah, he loves em what can you do?

BARMAN: No problem

The barman goes to get the drinks, Bear and Arthur whisper

ARTHUR: You bastard

BEAR: What?

ARTHUR: A pink Lady

BEAR: It's your birthday I thought I would get you something nice, besides with that tongue you will end up spilling anything without a straw anyway

ARTHUR: Twat!

BEAR: After everything I do for you

They look around the bar area. They see several couples and two groups of women in their thirties and forties

ARTHUR: I thought there might be some twenty year olds

BEAR:F**king hell, pervert, is there nothing you don't want?

ARTHUR: No. What about them over there?

Arthur nods towards the first group of five girls

BEAR:Not bad

The Barman returns with a pint of Guinness and a Pink Lady in a ludicrous glass with a straw and fruit and a sparkler in

BEARh look Arthur it's a birthday cake in a glass

Arthur and the Barman look at Bear disbelievingly

BEAR:No, I'm not taking the piss, thanks buddy he really likes that, I can tell

BARMAN: Right

Bear reaches into his pocket and hands the barman some money. The Barman rings up a price on till and makes change. He hands it back to Bear.

BEAR:Thanks dude. Not bad in here is it?

BARMAN: Not usually

BEAR:Where's the Gents?

The barman points to a corner of the room

BEAR: I gotta take a whizz, can you keep an eye on him for me I will be back in a minute

The barman looks unsure

BEAR:Thanks man

Bear turns to Arthur who is still looking around

BEAR: I am going for a piss, stay here and be a good lad. I will be back in a minute

Arthur looks at Bear and Grins

BEAR:Be a good lad

Bear moves away from the bar towards the toilets. He enters the toilet and unzips his fly. He begins to urinate.

O/C A scream, incoherent shouting. More screams.

Bear whistles and grins as he urinates.

O/C More noise, more screaming.

Bear shakes and zips up his fly. He looks in the mirror and shakes his head before letting out a loud sigh. He finally rolls his shoulders and flexes his fists before leaving the toilet.

CUT TO INT BAR, SECONDS LATER.

Arthur is chasing a girl. The Barman is chasing Arthur. Arthur catches the girl and as he does the Barman catches Arthur.

BEAR: (Shouting) Arthur No!

Everybody stops and turns around, Bear approaches the trio and manhandles the barman

BEAR:Get off my brother

BARMAN: He was-

BEAR:I know what he was doing, Bad Arthur Bad

Arthur grins at Bear, Bear looks at the girl, Arthur gently gropes the girl

BEAR: I am sorry love, he doesn't normally behave like this, I think it's this twat here (looking at the barman) he must have upset him, are you alright

BARMAN: Me?

BEAR:What did you say to him?

BARMAN: I didn't say anything

BEAR: What so you just ignored him, I asked you to keep an eye on him and you ignored him, I make no wonder he's upset

Arthur begins to pretend to cry

BEAR: Look you have upset him now, I have a good mind to, (turning to the girl) I'm sorry love

Arthur stops groping the girl and Bear begins to cuddle him

BEAR: It's alright mate, It's alright

BARMAN: You are going to have to leave

Bear stops cuddling Arthur and turns towards the Barman. As he does he looks at
the girl and nods towards Arthur. The girl not knowing what to do begins to cuddle him. Arthur immediately puts his and on her bottom.

BEAR: Leave! Leave! Look what you have done to my brother, we come in for a quiet drink and you upset him making him crazy, look at him, he's crying

Cut to close up on Arthurs face next to the woman's breast and a grin like a
cheshire cat before starting to wail again

BEAR: And this poor Lady, sorry love what's your name?

EMMA: Emma

BEAR: Emma here was in here for a quiet drink with her friends and you allow this to happen? I bet she doesn't come in here again

BARMAN: I'm sorry

BEAR: Your sorry? Do you really think sorry is enough?

BARMAN: What do you mean?

BEAR: Well I think you owe this lady and her friends a drink at least

BARMAN: I don't -

BEAR: I do. Look at her she looks terrified

BARMAN: But-

BEAR: Don't but, get these ladies some Champagne or something on the house before she goes and tells all of her colleagues what kind of place this is you are running

The Barman stands looking unsure and confused

BEAR: Well go on

The Barman begins to walk towards the bar

BEAR: And bring a glass for me an my brother as well

Bear turns towards Emma and Arthur and gently pulls Arthurs chain. Arthur and
Emma separate

BEAR: I can't begin to tell you how sorry we are

EMMA: That's ok

BEAR: No really, Arthur is really sorry he gets upset easily. Arthur say Hello to Emma

Arthur kisses her on the cheek

BEAR: My name is Bear, can we join you for a while?

EMMA: I'm not sure, I..

BEAR: It's ok, he's calm now, we won't stay long

EMMA: Ok then, sure

BEAR: Thanks

Bear, Arthur and Emma walk back to her friends, Emma introduces them. Bear
shakes hands and Arthur kisses each one on the cheek. They begin to relax and
laugh. They all sit down as the Barman brings a bottle of Champagne and some
fresh glasses.

END OF SCENE

If you got this far, thanks

Quote: Griff @ May 18 2011, 3:17 PM BST

I don't think that's likely on here.

There's always a first time.

Make it shorter then.

Seriously. I know it's hard work. But we/you'll thank you/us for it.

View original

I would love to make it shorter Grif but it's a set piece scene (from which I have removed some of the direction already) and needs the length and it needs the half a scene before to make sense.

Anyway when you start to ready im surre you will think "This is the comedy missiah we have all been waiting for" and carry on reading til the end.

ok ask yourself the following?

who is this for? who will show it?

if you can't answer the questions you're writing for your own amusement only.

I got to the half way mark. What's the point? You absolutely did not engage my attention.

Ever seen Dirty Rotten Scoundrels?

Also if you have to thank people for getting to the end you're not onto a winner.

There's no snap in it,

It didn't feel ironic, I know these things.

I've got the shinning.

Thanks for your replies Gents, I am no stranger to critisism as some of you will know and feel that when it is fair it can be constructve. I even try to help people in Critique myself from time to time in a fair manner. So with this, I realise it is not polished and have made a couple of minor changes to it. In reply to the comments, I have been asked to make it shorter but add more detail, Yes I have seen Dirty Rotten Scoundrels and also the Woman in Red (Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder with a blind bloke in a shop scene) and the scene in the wine bar can be taken in either context. I thank people for getting to the end because I am polite.

I see now that it was a mistake to post this, as posting excerpts from longer pices of work never does seem to work well, especially when the writer (in this case me) does not explain the premise or the storyline in advance. I just wanted to gauge peoples opinions on weather the content was offensive or not (i was hoping it wasn't) but obviously the content was no where near as important as the presentation.

Finally I began to write this because I liked the idea and it made me laugh, it introduces two losers who could acheive so much more and as the story progresses they do. I will wait until it is finished and polished.

Thanks for taking the time.

What Griff said

Except for me if I like what I read great, if not then I say so.

The negative critique often holds the most help.

nb if it helps hardly anyone here gets a positive reading for a sitcom script. They just don't seem to work off of a computer screen.

Those are the breaks.

I must apologise to you both, I took it a little too much to heart because I made a bad post, as I said I should have explained it better, you wouldn't beleive where the story is going if I told you anyway. Grif you are right, I should have posted the beginning and not just the middle and the end. I like diologue, I don't think it always needs a point to it but I do think it should be entertaining, this probably isn't in that cattegory. I have written screenplays before and if anybody wants to read a completed one that is correctly formatted then the more the merrier, just PM me. I really do value your opinions and have found them very helpful in the past, I hope this does not put you off commenting in the future.

Sootyj, I think it's great that you call a spade a spade, unless you call it shovel or Janet, that I'm uncomfortable with. You have also commented on stuff I have prodiuced in the past both positively and negatively, I would not have it any other way. Keep it up dude.

Finally I told you that you would not beleive where this was going, here's the premise

King of the world

A story set a few years from now

It is the near future. The everyday citizens of the world have had enough of being lied to and used, people want a different way.

In all corners of the globe there have been anti government protests and rallies that have turned in to violent confrontations between those loyal to and those opposed to the ruling classes.

After the world's largest countries were crippled a new idea began to form. Calls were made for a one world government, a government free from corruption offering the same opportunities to all. A government that would represent the people who chose it, answer to them when necessary and most of all have one single person in charge who was above petty division and selfish acts.

Global elections were announced and many prominent candidates put themselves forward sharing their mandates with the whole of humanity. Who, for the next four years would be crowned King of the world?

Niether Bear or Arthur have ever grown up. They live for Beer and jokes. After a heavy night Bear wakes up to find a facebook campaign to make him the first world president. Accepting the idea as a joke and stealing heavily from the ethos of Star Trek, Bear is elected and given a mandate to create a better future for all.

Told you, you wouldn't guess where it was going.

It sounds a bit complex most films are actually very simple at heart.

And need to have an ultra simple idea at the core.

What is the absolute core of this story?

Okay. I know mine wasn't helpful but I like Dirty Rotten Soundrels. The point is that people will look at material and tend to dismiss it if they feel its derivative. And that was what I felt was the issue with what you posted. I wasn't seeing Arthur, I was seeing Ruprecht. And if you makes you feel any better, I've just had the wonderful experience of a week's solid writing thrown back at me with 'its calendar girls again.' (Actually it isn't but that's my problem as a not very experienced writer to resolve.)
However, its a difficult thing to come into a piece which is in isolation from the whole and 'get' it. Remember you are on top of this. You know where its come from and where its going. And distance is needed to evaluate the piece whatever the type of writing. I do write as part of my current job and I'd never submit a piece for publication without getting a couple of colleagues to read it to make sure it made sense and it's punctuated/spelt properly. You've got some very helpful stuff from the Griffmeister and Soots always tells it like it is. Tighten the whole thing up and do think about the presentation. Make it easy for the reader to follow.

You've been posting that you've written for Bruntwood. Good on you. However, make sure that you get it formatted into a stage script and get someone to read it for you. If there's anyone local you can ask who writes or a producer at a local am/dram group they should be able to give you some feedback on how it will work on stage.
Sorry if you've got this but it is an excellent resource for aspiring writers with plenty of produced (I hesitate to say good as they've got a Bonekickers in there but equally they've got one of Marc P's Doctors scripts) scripts to give you ideas of how to develop. And all writers need to develop. http://www.bbc.co.uk/writersroom/
And within it there are the formats. http://www.bbc.co.uk/writersroom/insight/scriptsmart_formats.shtml

Keep going with it but remember we can't heard the voices in your head, we don't know what personalities you've given your characters, we don't know what is going to happen. You've got to convey that through the writing.

I only just spotted this and read it and it's the funniest script I have read in a long time, hilarious. Can't wait to read more

Sootyj, in all honesty I am not sure what the core of the story is at the moment. The majority of the stuff I have been writing over the past twelve months has been about people finding themselves in situations not of their choosing and changing because of the circumstance. Weather either or both of the charecters in this story will change I don't yet know. As ususal when starting out I imagine things going one way and then a charecter will have to do something that is natural to them that I never forsaw and I will have to follow the direction they lead me in. Overall though it will be a story about growing up and accepting responsibility. (bring on the midlife crisis)

KL, I am sorry your work was sent back, it seems more and more that people with imagination have to rely on those without to get somewhere good. Thanks for mentioning Bruntwood, I am doing this whilst I take a couple of days away from it before the next (sixth) rewrite. You are right about the writersroom being a great rescource, I have downloaded Final Draft and will eventually write this piece in it. I write in a particular way, I do bits and bobs and then when there is enough I put it into a proper format, weed out the weak, strengthen the strong and add whatever needs adding, it is not an ideal method for everyone but it is the only way for me to do it. My Bruntwood is formatted correctly but everything else in in the lap of the gods. "Keep going with it but remember we can't heard the voices in your head, we don't know what personalities you've given your characters, we don't know what is going to happen. You've got to convey that through the writing." That is good advice and I will heed it. Finally you might have seen it but if not, track down "The Woman in Red" it is not a great movie but the blind man in the shop scene is an undiscovered gem.

Grif, thanks dude good advice again. I will probably make a complete bollocks of this over the next six to eight weeks and if I do first dibbs is yours for 25%. The story probably will change a little before it is finished but the majority is in my head including the rules of candidacy and voting, which I feel are important, thank the lord we have all voted for an AV voting system.... (whadday mean we didn't? bollocks what am I gonna do now?) Ah well.

Bushbaby I think I love you and in the words of Forrest Bush (that is not an error)that's all I have to say about that!

I am going to put this to bed now, I will let you know how I get on in a month or two

thanks to you all

Batley