Jago's Cove - Undergone a major rethink Page 2

Interesting reading Al - thanks for letting me know about it. Its clear that you know some of these characters very well and the Lonnie and Emlyn characters are particularly well developed, as is their relationships with Miss Wenna, who makes a short appearance but the interraction tells us a lot about her and her relationships with the others very quickly.
Some of the other characters could be fleshed out a bit more. Sure, they have different 'jobs' in the situation, but we could know a little more about SOME of them. I have also introduced some new characters into mine and the feedback I got was that they were a bit interchangeable and not defined enough yet.
Probably, as you already realise, things could move a bit more quickly.
Also, try to creat more natural rhythms for the dialogue at times

Examples...

Instead of

GUEST
That's not, it is, it's you! Lonnie my ald mucker, what're doin' in that bloody suit? You're not here on holiday are ya?

LONNIE
Hiya, now neither of us expected this did we?

GUEST
I know I thought I'd seen the last of ya. The missus will be made up, she loves a familiar face, so you working are ya?

LONNIE
I am I am, I retired as you know but then Franco, well, let's just say he got caught with his kecks down.

How about...

GUEST
That's not, it is, it's you! Lonnie my ald mucker!

LONNIE
Hiya...

GUEST
What're doin' in that bloody suit? I thought I'd seen the last of ya. You're not here on holiday are ya?

LONNIE
I retired, as you know but then Franco got caught with his kecks down.

having characters cut each other off and overlap helps to create a natural rhythm.

Hope that helps.

P.S: Please give me said feedback on "Suburban Bohemia ep1 Part 1" and the little scene from ep two that if put up, if you've got a moment.

sootyj no need for the apologies, all criticism is welcome good or bad!

glad I set the scene well as I have been accused of not managing that in the past, this is a positive, and there was a comparison to phoenix nights which is another, albeit a not as good as, comparison. Its the direction I am heading in. ok but not very funny, I can live with, I know it needs to be sharper, I am writing these and posting them immediately, they are far from perfect. slow moving is a good criticism, todd mentions it also, something I must change, and that will improve edit after edit! one thing, it is not about a retired entertainer, if youre referring to lonnie, he was working for security. both of you have missed the chance to talk about ash, who is my main character, my brent so to speak! more to come, sooty your opinions are always welcome, please don't shy from giving them!
ta AP

Try and think of resetting your lines like a mystery, so viewers have to guess what's happening and are amused by the outcome.

Maybe after writing you shouldn't post immediately. Take some time and come back to it as a whole after you have let ideas germinate and can come back to the material with a fresh more self critical and analytical eye.

thanks sooty, that kinda makes sense, perhaps I can work with that.

marc, I began writing about twelve months ago and all my work has been posted immediately. I think I have a lack of confidence and am in search of feedback from those who I feel are a little more astute than I. I feel like my writing has improved from some of the early stuff I posted, and the feedback given suggests the same. the advice you give has reasonance, and it happens to be what my wife is stood behind me saying as I type.

I now understand that just because I had a great time working at Pontins, with some really funny characters, it does not mean that this translates well to script and then to screen. My work is forever evolving, perhaps I do post too early, but I like to get the advice, as sometimes I feel like I have nowhere else to turn.

I promise to take all of your advice on board, even if I don't act on it always!

Thanks
AP

The thing is Al you are not encouraging detailed and considered feedback and analysis - because you are asking somebody else to do something that you have not done yourself in regards to your work. Sometimes it takes much longer to read a piece and give constructive notes than it does to actually write it.

And you should always listen to the wife. In my experience she is always right!

Quote: Al Parry @ May 11 2011, 1:42 PM BST

Hi all,

I've been away for a while, thinking, writing, rethinking and rewriting. I felt the need to go further than just the security lads, after finding about Miss Ahearne's efforts. I'll post more soon, leave feedback please.

AP

SCENE 1. INT. THE PICKLED PARROT - NIGHT

IN A LESS THAN HALF FULL VENUE, DEXTER AND CHLOE (SWASHBUCKLERS/ENTS. STAFF), ARE ON STAGE SPEAKING TO THE CROWD. LONNIE AND RINGO ARE STOOD AT THE BACK OF THE ROOM WATCHING.

DEXTER
Yaaaarrr!

CHLOE
Yaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrr!

DEXTER
Yaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

DEXTER COLLAPSES COUGHING FROM EXERTION

CHLOE
Ya ha I win! And now me hearties from the cursed Pirate Coast of Milton Keynes, it's Journey South! Yaa

DEXTER (PEEVISHLY)
Ya

JOURNEY SOUTH ENTER THE STAGE TO MILD APPLAUSE, THEY APPEAR DISHEARTENED AT THEIR FALL FROM GRACE. THEY BEGIN TO PLAY.

LONNIE
Who are these? Ringo, any good?

RINGO IS INTENTLY WATCHING A FIFTY SOMETHING WOMAN PLOUGHING COINS INTO A FRUIT MACHINE FROM A POLYSTYRENE CUP. SHE IS DRESSED ENTIRELY INAPPROPRIATELY FOR A WOMAN OF HER AGE.

LONNIE
Ringo, this lot?

RINGO
Come on you know she wants it

LONNIE
Oh yes work it baby, give her all of it, but not quite all.

THE WOMAN SLAMS HER HANDS DOWN ON THE MACHINE, FRUSTRATINGLY OUT OF CHANGE, SHE WALKS AWAY.

RINGO
Come to daddy, he's going to pull your leaver.

RINGO TAKES ONE COIN FROM HIS POCKET AND INSERTS IT INTO THE MACHINE. ON THE SECOND WHIRL, CASH STARTS DROPPING OUT.

RINGO
Oh baby. Journey South? Piss off back west more like.
(Stuffing coins into all of his pockets)

LONNIE TURNS ON HIS HEEL AND WALKS AWAY, DISGUSTED

CUT TO:

View original

A little bit of fiddle faddling hope you don't mind.

this is purely the reason that I need a writing partner, you have taken my idea, and improved it, without compromising on the importance of some of the key areas, with the exception of this line

LONNIE
Oh yes work it baby, give her all of it, but not quite all.

which Lonnie would never say, he is a retired man 65+. You either have nothing better to do, or have seen some good in what I have come up with, c'mon which is it?

two very good points marc! will be back with further edited versions soon! thanks for everyones help!

AP

Well I do, but like Jesus I may see the good in you, I may show you the good in you.

But only you can choose to bathe in the light of my father's kindness.

(I should add like Jesus I am infact Jewish)