Jago's Cove - Undergone a major rethink

Hi all,

I've been away for a while, thinking, writing, rethinking and rewriting. I felt the need to go further than just the security lads, after finding about Miss Ahearne's efforts. I'll post more soon, leave feedback please.

AP

SCENE 1. INT. THE PICKLED PARROT - NIGHT

IN A LESS THAN HALF FULL VENUE, DEXTER AND CHLOE (SWASHBUCKLERS/ENTS. STAFF), ARE ON STAGE SPEAKING TO THE CROWD. LONNIE AND RINGO ARE STOOD AT THE BACK OF THE ROOM WATCHING.

DEXTER
Ahoy there me hearties! I'm darn glad to see so many of you out on your first night.

CHLOE
Aaay bucco, tis right! Now it's time to introduce your evenings star turn.

DEXTER
An' we've a cracker to open the season for you. So lily-livered land-lubbers put your hands together, and go crazy for former X-factor stars Journey South.

JOURNEY SOUTH ENTER THE STAGE TO MILD APPLAUSE, THEY APPEAR DISHEARTENED AT THEIR FALL FROM GRACE. THEY BEGIN TO PLAY.

LONNIE
Who are these? Ringo, any good?

RINGO IS INTENTLY WATCHING A FIFTY SOMETHING WOMAN PLOUGHING COINS INTO A FRUIT MACHINE FROM A POLYSTYRENE CUP. SHE IS DRESSED ENTIRELY INAPPROPRIATELY FOR A WOMAN OF HER AGE.

LONNIE
Ringo, this lot?

RINGO
Ssshhh, that's gonna payout any second.

LONNIE
No chance. Anyway aint you got a cue ball to be rescuing?

THE WOMAN SLAMS HER HANDS DOWN ON THE MACHINE, FRUSTRATINGLY OUT OF CHANGE, SHE WALKS AWAY.

RINGO
Two hundred and fifty notes Lonnie lad, wha' dya reckon?

RINGO TAKES ONE COIN FROM HIS POCKET AND INSERTS IT INTO THE MACHINE. ON THE SECOND WHIRL, CASH STARTS DROPPING OUT.

RINGO
I told ya Lonnie lad, I told ya!
(Stuffing coins into all of his pockets)

LONNIE TURNS ON HIS HEEL AND WALKS AWAY, DISGUSTED

CUT TO:

SCENE 2. INT. FOYER NIGHT

LONNIE IS WALKING AROUND AN EMPTY ARCADE, HE APPEARS TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY. A GUEST APPROACHES HIM, THEY OBVIOUSLY KNOW EACH OTHER.

GUEST
That's not, it is, it's you! Lonnie my ald mucker, what're doin' in that bloody suit? You're not here on holiday are ya?

LONNIE
Hiya, now neither of us expected this did we?

GUEST
I know I thought I'd seen the last of ya. The missus will be made up, she loves a familiar face, so you working are ya?

LONNIE
I am I am, I retired as you know but then Franco, well, let's just say he got caught with his kecks down.

GUEST
Franco did? The dirty ald dog!

LONNIE
I know yeah, so I'm out playing a quick nine one morning and me mobile goes, it's only Miss Wenna.

GUEST
Wha', little Judy Finnigan rang you?

LONNIE
What? Judy Finnigan? I see it now you've said it. Anyway yeah, she's crying and she knows how well I know the centre.

GUEST
So she begged you back in tears?

LONNIE
Well, not exactly, but all the same, here I am. In a suit as well, first time I've worn one since I got married in sixty nine. I didn't want to, but she says I have to, commands respect or something. Duty Manager, Lonnie Hughes. Bootle boy done good eh?

GUEST
You don't say.

LONNIE
Well if I'm honest, I missed it. She's been filling her evenings for ten years with night school, little something like me being home aint gonna change that, she's just took up learning Russian. So I've been sat around watchin' the sports channels, and it's the end of the season now aint it. So with her out of the house and the footy done, I might as well don a suit for Miss Wenna. Who knows, I might even get things done properly.

GUEST
Well good luck Lon. Say, what's the band like?

LONNIE
No idea, never heard of them.

CUT TO:

SCENE 3. INT. THE BRASS RAT - NIGHT

LONNIE IS RUNNING THROUGH AN INTERNAL FIRE CHECK WITH HIS SECURITY REPLACEMENT EMLYN, WHO IS DISINTERESTED AND IS BUSY PLAYING WITH HIS SMART PHONE.

LONNIE
Right Em, we are looking for all the extinguishers to be sealed and to be sure that they all have full air pressure. We need to check all the exit lights, we should be able to see a small red dot on each of them. Do you want to have a look Emlyn?

EMLYN
So yeah, I'd been sat there for five minutes waiting for this number six and when it was called I nearly exploded, two hundred big ones, BINGO!

LONNIE
Are you even listening to me? Put that bloody thing away, it should be in your locker!

EMLYN
I read that McFly are touring, and that they rocked Liverpool, so I'm not gonna miss them again.

LONNIE
Busted!

EMLYN
No, McFly, keep up will ya, old man!

LONNIE
No you're busted! Gimme that phone, it's going in my office!

EMLYN
But, I've only got a couple of minutes to complete the purchase.

LONNIE
I don't give a shit about McFly tickets, or flaming Bingo winnings.

EMLYN
Wassup with you?

LONNIE
You know when I retired last year, it was your name I put forward as an ideal replacement, now don't do a McClaren!

EMLYN
You've been telling them about damaged lights and doors for two years now, they don't take any notice.

LONNIE
Those reports will be landing on my desk now, and I intend to get them fixed.

EMLYN
Ah whatever.

LONNIE
McFly have never rocked anywhere by the way!

CUT TO:

SCENE 4. INT. FOYER - NIGHT

ASH IS DOING SOME VOCAL EXERCISES, JUST INSIDE THE FRONT DOORS, IT IS A SLOW FIRST EVENING OF THE SEASON .

ASH
La la la la la la la la. Do ray me so far la ti do. La la la la la la la la.

IN WALK A FAMILY OF FOUR, PARENTS WITH ONE TEENAGER AND A YOUNGER CHILD

ASH
Aaar me hearties, I be Cap'n Hector Hughes and I bid ye welcome to Jago's Cove here, sing along, "What shall we do with the drunken sailor? What shall we do with the drunken sailor? What shall we do with the drunken sailor? Early in the morning!"

GUEST #2
Oh f**k off loser!

THE FAMILY WALK AWAY TOGETHER, THE CHILD IS NOT REPRIMANDED, HIS OLDER BROTHER RUFFLES HIS HAIR WHILST LAUGHING.

CUT TO:

Its a bit all over the gaff, plus you're obviously a red nose, who else would use the name Emlyn (I had a badge about him)
You can write dialogue, but you need to tighten the plot up, you obviously know where its going and how it works out, but for me I could see it could be funny but a southerner would struggle.
As for the groups bin them, the age group of the characters seem more suited to name dropping cabaret artists types.
Its good but it could be well better, take a step back and look at it from the point of view of someone who is looking at that section for the first time and has no idea of how the story unfolds, make each section strong and it will come together quite well.

Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ May 11 2011, 5:30 PM BST

I could see it could be funny but a southerner would struggle.

View original

Good to see you back Teddy!

Teddy, you have been mainly positive, and for that I thank you. Would you believe that I am a blue nose, although I understand how Emlyn would be remembered by scousers, and that is in part why I used it, there is also a Tommy Temple waiting to make an appearance, paying homage to my beloved toffees with that one.

Plot is where I struggle, and that is why I want a partner to write with, but I am loathed to compromise on my ideas at such an early stage, I'll just plod on for now.

The groups are the joke, well McFly are anyhow, the character is supposed to be hanging onto his youth, and that is why the band has to be sort of modern, but at the same time outdated, and kind of sad really, this is a fifty something male that comes to work in a golden capri with the windows down and McFly blaring, this is funny and I see no good reason to change them. Journey South could be any has been, they just came to mind, and I was looking for another awkward fit on purpose, so that they are clearly not comfortable performing there.

I am happy you said that it was good, because it only took a very short time to write, half a day perhaps, thanks again for your praise.
I will take a look back at it and see if I can improve on this sections strength.

One thing to take notice of is that having taken advice of post above Journey South have now been replaced by Chicory Tip! Read on and enjoy, please leave any thoughts you have behind!

SCENE 5. INT. THE PICKLED PARROT - NIGHT

HEATH AND ELWOOD ARE STOOD TOGETHER ON THE DOOR, WITH THEIR BACKS TO THE ROOM.

HEATH
When I got in the lounge, he only had a busy jacket over the back of the armchair.

ELWOOD
Is that the night you got caught?

HEATH
Nah, that was when I took the ring off that woman's finger while she was sleeping.

ELWOOD
Jeez.

HEATH
I know. Anyway, I thought sod this pig, so I pissed all over the back off his telly, sparks flying everywhere.

ELWOOD
You are a cock!

LONNIE APPROACHES THE PAIR.

LONNIE
Glad to be back open you two?

HEATH
Alrigh' Lonnie?

LONNIE
You know Miss Wenna is on the prowl, so...

HEATH
I'll be off then.

LONNIE
Top idea. Elwood, some numbskull in there smoking on the dance floor. Open your eyes eh? Go sort it.

ELWOOD
En route.

CUT TO:

SCENE 6. INT. ARCADE - NIGHT

HEATH IS STOOD BESIDE RINGO, WATCHING HIM POUR CASH INTO A FRUIT MACHINE. A YOUNG ATTRACTIVE MAN APPROACHES HEATH.

BYRON
Yo buddy.

HEATH
Hey.

BYRON
Byron Sharp, I'm looking for Ash, from Ents.

HEATH
Y' mean Cap'n Hector.

BYRON
That his Swashbuckler name? Do they choose their own?

ASH
Aaay we do, but I get the final say.

BYRON
Cool, you Ash?

ASH
Character names on the deck.

BYRON
You serious?

ASH
Yeah, so Cap'n Hector. Don't forget it!

HEATH
Done owt like this before Byron?

BYRON
First job since I left drama school, makes me a virgin I guess.

ASH
So you'll have to get ready for some harsh realities.

BYRON
I'm from Hammersmith bro', I'm sure I'll be fine.

ASH
Whatever! I'll look after this from here Elwood.

HEATH
It's Heath, don't forget it!

BYRON
Cheers Heath, grab you later.

ASH
We don't socialise with them (beat) gorillas.

BYRON
Don't we?

ASH
Never!

CUT TO:

SCNE 8. INT. ENTS OFFICE - NIGHT

ASH AND BYRON ARE SAT AT A DESK STREWN WITH PAPERWORK, THERE IS A TV SCREENING CHICORY TIP ON STAGE IN THE PICKLED PARROT.

BYRON
Wow, this place looks fun. Can't wait to get started, you got my chalet keys?

ASH
(Into Radio)
The wind machine, mess their hair up, think Scissorhands.
(To Byron)
Gotta keep my finger on it, I don't give a shit who's on stage!

BYRON
Whatever, work isn't it?

ASH
(Attempting to sound threatening)
I don't hold back, so you better get used to it!

BYRON
You're the Guv'nor.

ASH
(Lifts briefcase onto desk, and opens it, displaying two sets of keys, sandwiches, and a Jago's Cove flyer with himself on the cover)
Christ, look at that would ya, My mug on the cover.

BYRON
What's the filling?

ASH
Egg and marmite.

BYRON
Yeah, you look well on that, last seasons?

ASH
No ya cheeky bastard!

BYRON
(Points to PC software box)
Magic of Photoshop eh?

ASH
Yeah, what? No, that's to make the kids think I'm Jack Sparrow's bezzy.

BYRON
You mean I won't get to meet him?

ASH
We did have the Pirates of Penzance here last October.

BYRON
(Sarcastically)
Hardly Willy Wonka.

ASH
(Eating sandwiches)
Scrumdidlyumptious!

BYRON
So keys?

ASH
I'll walk you over to staff block now.

CUT TO:

SCENE 9, INT. ARCADE - NIGHT

EMLYN IS ATTEMPTING TO IMPRESS LONNIE WITH RHYTHM STICKS (ELECTRONIC DRUM STICKS)

EMLYN
Eh Lon, listen 'ere. What's this one?
(Plays drum solo from "Wipe Out")

LONNIE
(Nonplussed)
Hawaii Five-O

EMLYN
Ha, no, it's the Ventures "Wipe Out". Listen again.
(Begins playing for a second time)

ASH AND BYRON EXIT OFFICE DOOR DIRECTLY INTO THE ARCADE, ASH IS IMMEDIATELY DRAWN TO EMLYN'S RHYTHM STICKS.

ASH
Shit man, giz a whirl! These are freaking awesome!
(Snatches Rhythm Sicks from Emlyn and begins playing "In The Air Tonight"

EMLYN
Listen to that, Dairy Milk!

ASH
Hey Emlyn, always carry a knife, case you see a wasp land on your wife's neck.

EMLYN
(Laughing uncontrollably)
Beauty!

LONNIE
I got one. What dya call sixteen consecutive hours of wildlife programming? (Pause) Bill Oddie Hell!
(Laughs)

BYRON
(Laughing)
I don't even know who he is, but it's tickled me bro'!

EMLYN
All ready for the Induction tomorrow?

ASH
Can't wait, gives me a chance to tell a few of me bluies.

LONNIE
Be sure to colour in between the lines.

ASH
As always.

LONNIE
Ya feckin' ninnyhammer!
(Breaks wind loudly)
Ya know when ya get to my age your farts turn to dust.

BYRON
(Laughing)
You dirty bastard!

MISS WENNA JAGO, SITE OWNER APPROACHES THE GROUP.

LONNIE
Miss Wenna, and how are you this evening?

WENNA
'Ansome Lonnie dear. How you coping Emlyn, those buggers not giving you the runaround?

EMLYN
They wouldn't dare Miss Wenna!

WENNA
Really? Look over there, poor Heaths eyes are out on stalks, he's been hanging around that new maid like bees round a honey pot, best 'ave a word eh?

EMLYN
I'll go kick him up the arse!

WENNA
Kick him up the arse, Miss Wenna!

EMLYN
Of course Miss Wenna, apologies.

WENNA
(Winks to Emlyn, turns to Byron)
Byron, settlin' in alrigh'? Ash will see you good I'm sure. 'Member my doors always open.
(Obviously taken by him)

BYRON
Miss Wenna, I shan't forget that, but I'm good thanks.

WENNA
Best get beauty sleep all of you, induction tomorrow.

ASH
I got some new jokes for you Miss Wenna.

WENNA
Lookin' forward to it Ash.
(Turns to Lonnie)
We need to keep him off the floor.

LONNIE
Leave it with me Miss Wenna.

WENNA
You're a treasure, I'm so glad you came back to work.

LONNIE
I couldn't say know to you Miss Wenna now could I?

CUT TO:

c'mon, somebody?

SCENE 10. INT. ARCADE - DAY

ASH IS HOVERING AROUND RINGO WHO IS RESTOCKING A CLAW/GRABBING MACHINE WITH SOFT TOYS.

ASH
I always look forward to induction, chance to show what separates us Swashbucklers from the rest of ya.

RINGO
Yeah, special aint ya.

ASH
That's the word! I've got Chloe and Dexter sortin' me out with a bag of props.

RINGO
Well, I'm sure everybody's up for it!

ASH
No such thing as a tough crowd. I can show Byron what we're all about, not sure if he's really cut out for this.

RINGO
Seems like a top bloke, had a gaggle of birds all over him last night, hen party. Would've scared the life out of me.

ASH
Fraternising with guests?

RINGO
Hardly, just in for a nightcap, and they were eating out of his hands.

ASH
Well performing is different, I doubt he'll last the season.

RINGO
You're probably right.

CUT TO:

SCENE 11. INT. BRASS RAT - DAY

DEXTER RUSHES TO ASH AND HANDS MAKES A PERFORMANCE OF HANDING A BAG OF PROPS TO HIM. OTHER STAFF ARE MINGLING AWAITING THE START OF THE INDUCTION.

DEXTER
Cap'n, Cap'n, I couldn't get an Osama mask, so Chloe cut his face outta today's paper and stuck it on the punch doll.

ASH
With super glue?
(Holding puppet aloft)
Chrissakes, I was gonna use Punch and Judy for the Cameron and Clegg stuff!

DEXTER
Sorry boss.

ASH
I'll have to drop it and do some Prince Philip stuff, I feel faint.

DEXTER
You look pale, dya want one of your black and greens boss?

ASH
Yeah, yeah. Jarvis, Jarvis get behind that bar of yours, I need a glass of peppermint!

JARVIS
Excuse me, but I am not your personal aid! Send than man servant of yours, Dexter, to the shop. I'm sure he could retrieve you a Lucozade without hiccup.

ASH
Presumptuous tosser! I'm 'aving a funny turn 'ere.
(Breath quickening)

ELWOOD
Stage fright? Smacks of a lack of preparation that does!

DEXTER
Ignore him boss.

ASH
Where's my f**king Lucozade?

DEXTER
But you never...

ASH
Go!

CUT TO:

SCENE 12. INT. THE BRASS RAT - DAY

BYRON WALKS UP TO ASH.

BYRON
Looks like you've gone to a lot of trouble.

ASH
Well it's my first gig since February half-term and that was to eight under twelves footy sides, hardly the same thing.

BYRON
I'm looking forward to seeing you go to work, good luck dude.

ASH
Watch and learn, watch and learn. You're up this afternoon for Pop the Pirate aint ya? You'll get there with experience, been doing this since I was eighteen, I'm thirty six now.
(Wondering where his life has gone)
When you've been doin' this twenty years like me, you won't need luck! Gotta live it you see! Ne'er break character, my rule that. It's a pirates life for me!

DEXTER
No Lucozade boss, got ya a Capri Sun.

ASH
Cheers. (Beat) There's no fricking straw!

CUT TO:

SCENE 13. INT. THE BRASS RAT - DAY

THERE ARE A FEW CHAIRS ON THE DANCE FLOOR WHICH ARE INHABITED BY SENIOR STAFF MEMBERS, THE REST OF THE STAFF ARE SPREAD ABOUT THE ROOM AT TABLES. WENNA TAKES THE FLOOR.

WENNA
Okay, hello everybody. For those of you who are new here, I'm Miss Wenna Jago, your site manageress, the rest of you, welcome back.

ASH APPLAUDS HYPERENTHUSIASTICALLY.

WENNA
I expect respect and hard work from each of you. That includes you Niall, after your exploits last season, Casanova had nothing on you, so ladies, keep your hands on your ha'penny.

STAFF REACT, GIRLS TURN TO LOOK FOR NIALL.

WENNA
Now, I'm gonna introduce a man who needs little introduction, back from his easy chair, Lonnie Hughes, your new Duty Manager.

ASH GROANS AS LONNIE TAKES THE FLOOR.

LONNIE
At my age there is nothing so easy 'bout getting out of a chair. Anyway, glad to be back! I'm no longer on security, so if any Swashbucklers fancy a pint later, giz a shout.

BIG OOH FROM SECURITY TABLE, BEFORE LAUGHTER.

LONNIE
Oh behave you lot! We get regular returning guests here, but that doesn't mean that there is no place for change. Miss Wenna and I intend to improve all of our performances this summer, and together we have managed to finance a reward package, so the carrot is clearly positioned on the end of the stick so to speak. One hundred per cent attendance is something to strive for, you may end up with a day out at Legoland!

TOMMY WHISPERS IN HIS EAR.

LONNIE
Sorry, Thorpe Park. So handing over to your new Services Manager, another former security guard, let's hear it for Tommy Temple.

MILD APPLAUSE AS TOMMY TAKES THE FLOOR AND LONNIE LOOKS AROUND FOR HIS SEAT.

TOMMY
(Sarcastically)
Cheers old man. Are you alright? Can you not find your seat? Yeah, there it's the one with the cushion.

LONNIE
I've still got your number sunshine!

LAUGHS.

TOMMY
I shan't keep you long as I know Ash has something spectacular planned for all of you. As Lonnie said I am taking charge of Services, and the first thing I want to do is get a big hand for our eldest staff member Mr Larry Selby, still going strong at seventy years young, stand up Larry.

APPLAUSE.

TOMMY
He's has just been for his yearly medical Larry has, his doctor asked him for a urine and stool sample, so Larry gave him his underpants!

MILD LAUGHTER.

LARRY
You'll get old one day, if ya live long enough!

CROWD WHOOPS, CLEARLY SIDING WITH LARRY.

CUT TO:

Scene1 sets the setting very effectively, but there's nothing original in there.

Nor is there much that is funny in it. It's like Phoenix nights but without that certain original spin.

Scene2

Was ok, but again not very funny and very slow moving. It's all tell and no show, so we know this guy is a retired entertainer working a shift. But that's only because he tells us.

I think you're structure isn't bad but it's not that funny and it's really not going places.

Sorry.