Skit Comp 10-17.5.11

Good stuff as usual so congratulations to KASM for winning it by a county mile. Get rat-anussed and PM me for next week's topic please.
Hence:
Votes - Points - Name

4 - 10 - Kasm
2 - 5 - Ishy
1 - 1 - Michael Monkhoue
Speshul menshun - Otterfox

Your new subject: COMPUTERS (chosen by Stephen Goodlad)
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sex or inside leg measurement, except the kid who used to steal my dinner money.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's original and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 17.5.11

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

192! - Mr Sunshine
170 - Kasm
159 - Otterfox
147 - Michael Monkhouse
143 - Cool Mikado
132 - Nigel Kelly
112 - Jebsly
108 - Frankie Rage
104 - Timbo
103 - Charley Rance
98 - Fred Peters
87 - Angiebaby
72 - Ishy
66 - Gerry McDonnell, Jude
65 - Baumski
56 - Alex Mahon, Scratchyr
37 - Afinkawan
35 - Don P. Musey
32 - James, Swerytd, Paul Watson
30 - Stephen Goodlad
28 - Leevil
26 - Bushbaby, David Chapman
25 - Craig H
23 - Roscoff
22 - Blobster
21 - Nil Putters, Mikey J
20 - James Harris, Kevin Murphy, Dannyjb1, Niteowl, Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - Ellie
16 - Reg N, Eggie
15 - Cinnamon, Dale
14 - Stephen Birch
13 - Badge
12 - Geoff Mutton, Will Cam
11 - Shirl the Whirl, Steven
10 - Sean Night, Robo, Nitram Skir, Socrates, Tom Campbell, Tommy Power, Waring
09 - Shandonbelle, ajp29, ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - The Giggle-O, garyd, Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil, Hellboy, Wayne Lewis, John Kelly, Andrew Lynch
05 - Flavian, Sean, Karlos the Great, Drew, Pedros, Summer G, Mannikin Bird, Tumble, Greggles, Happy Shopper, Timothy Marshal-Nichols, Rob B
04 - Andy W, losaavedra
02 - Stu R, Imamazed, Slack Bladder, Paul Nash, Boits, Gavin
01 - Scar Bum, veedeeplex, Grem, Macca, Ming The Mirthless, Minty, Shpadoinkle, Shaggy292, amillionpounds, Jake How, David Bussell, Charisma, Skibbington von Skubber, Ginger Jesus, Nick Rivers, Daddy Maz, Martin Bickle, Batman, Ray Dawson, Marion, Tooting Jo

Any ballsups, PM me please.

VIRTUALLY IN LOVE

A BAR.
YOUTH looking rapturously...

YOUTH Gosh you're so hornsome and sexy and just damn shaggable. I love you, I need you, I want to have your babies and cherish you and cuddle you and roger you senseless...

He's talking to a computer.

YOUTH (to camera) Never heard of computer dating?

WRINKLY BENT OLD LADY ON DOORSTEP SMOKING.

PASSERBY

What do you think the secret of a long life is?

LADY

I smoke sixty cigarettes a day, drink red wine all day, then finish off in the evening with whiskey and brandy. and I'm sat at my computer nearly 24/7

PASSERBY

You don't even exercise?

LADY

Never. Unless you consider sex; I do have sex twice a day or so with my neighbours; and have done for years.

PASSERBY

That's absolutely remarkable. It just goes to show all the so called experts are wrong. How old are you if I may ask?

PASSERBY

Forty.

Gadgets do almost everything

Doofus: Have you seen my new phone ?

Bozo: No, what is it ?

Doofus: ..{shows mobile phone}..It's a Gooseberry

Bozo: Oh, like a Blackberry ?

Doofus: Yes, but this is for someone with no mates.

Bozo: Oh, I might get one of them. Is it any good ?

Doofus: Oh yes, it has loads of apps.

Bozo: Such as...?

Doofus: Well, this one tells you the weather in every capital of the world

Bozo: Okay,..How hot is it in Madrid ?

Doofus: erm,....{presses a few buttons}..four thousand one hundred degrees.

Bozo: Cool, that app is great.

Doofus: There's many more. This one tells you how old you are in minutes. This
one lets you know when it's time to cut your toenails - I've saved a fortune on socks. This one predicts the date you'll go bald on...

Bozo:It sure is fine. Here give me your number and I'll add you to my contacts.

Doofus: ...{presses a few buttons, squints at phone}..There doesn't seem to be a telephone app...

Bozo: I guess if you have no mates, it doesn't need one.

Doofus: True..{phone beeps}..Do you have any scissors handy ?

Fin.

PB.

(This idea came to me whilst watching the apprentice - Not sure if the Gooseberry has any of their apps on it, but I'm guessing 'yes')

EXT. SUBURBAN GARDEN. DAY

A MAN IS STANDING, LOOKING DOWN AT THE EMPTY PALM OF HIS RIGHT HAND. A WOMAN APPROACHES HIM

WOMAN
What are you doing?

MAN
Marvelling at this little miracle.

WOMAN
Eh? I can't see anything.

MAN
That's because it's invisible.

WOMAN
No such thing - I don't believe you.

MAN
Believe what you like. This is the answer to all the world's problems.

WOMAN
Wow! Really? What is it?

MAN
iGod.

WOMAN
Apple?

MAN
F**k off, you slutty bitch! Do you think I was born yesterday?

END

10 PRINT "VOTE PUTTERS!"
20 GOTO 10

I went to buy a computer the other day. I took a couple of technology savvy friends with me - a rather obviously gay guy and a black girl.

We got to the shop but the security guard wouldn't let my friends in!

"Sorry," he said. "No queers and no coloureds."

Blimey! I really shouldn't have gone to Non PC World...

INT. SHOP - DAY

BIG BROTHER'S IMOGEN WALKS INTO PC WORLD.

SALESMAN:
Can I help you ma'am?

IMOGEN:
Yes please, I'm looking for a new laptop.

SALESMAN:
Wait a minute, aren't you Imogen from Big Brother?

IMOGEN:
Yes I am.

SALESMAN:
A pleasure to meet you Imogen. Right let's get down to business. We have a lovely model here on special offer. The hard drive is 500 gigs. The memory is 4 gigs.

IMOGEN:
I'm afraid I can't talk about this. Good day to you sir.

FRANK IS SHOWING OFF HIS NEW MOBILE PHONE AT HIS OFFICE TO TAMSIN AND TOM

FRANK
Tcch touch screen is so last week. This phone updates my status on all my social networks without needing to even touch it.

TAMSIN
So how does that work?

FRANK
I don't know it doesn't seem to have a screen. The blue tooth picks up brain waves I think?

TOM
You've been conned some one sold you a pebble mate.

FRANK SHOWS THE PHONE OFF IT DOES APPEAR TO BE A PERFECTLY SMOOTH BLACK PEBBLE.

FRANK
Ow! It pricked my finger.

A THIN TRAIL OF BLOOD SLIDES DOWN THE SCREEN.

TAMSIN'S PHONE RINGS SHE READS THE SCREEN

Tamsin has a fat arse but I can stay at her boobies all day. You sexist prick!

FRANK
I didn't type that.

TOM PUNCHES FRANK

FRANK
Ow what was that for?

TOM
You just tweeted that you took a shit in my waste paper bin at the Christmas party. Crikey it's the boss!

THE BOSS APPEARS HOLDING A PRINT OUT IT SEEMS TO BE OF FRANK BUMMING THE BOSS IN A DOMINANT "Who's the daddy manner."

SCENE3
FRANK IS LEAVING THE OFFICE WITH ALL HIS OFFICE STUFF IN A CARDBOARD BOX
HE PASSES A CURRYS HE LOOKS AT THE TV SCREENS WHICH ARE SHOWING SKY NEWS
THE TEXT TICKER UNDERNEATH READS

"I wrecked the Blue Peter Garden, I have a small cock, I wrote Valerie Singleton an obscene letter."

FRANK DROPS HIS HEAD INTO HIS HANDS

FRANK
Oh God no why is this happening to me?

SCENE4
TOM AND TAMSIN ARE LOOKING AT THEIR PHONES

TOM
Oh look that arse Frank has updated his status. (READING) At suicide bridge, goodbye cruel world!

TAMSIN
Oh no the poor guy. Hang on it can't be so bad he's just tweeted. (READING) Fine I'll get in the burning sea of diarea but I'm not hsaring it with Bin Laden.

INT. OFFICE.

KEVIN IS DEMONSTRATING THE NEW ONLINE SALES SYSTEM TO HIS DIRECTOR.

KEVIN
So that's it then. The new online sales facility delivered on time, to spec and on budget.

DIRECTOR
Brilliant. This will help our stock control no end.

KEVIN
I'm sorry? No-one said anything about stock control.

DIRECTOR
Oh it needs to be able to do stock control. So if you can just make that little tweak.

KEVIN
Tweak?! I will have to reconfigure the whole system; it'll take months and cost a fortune!

DIRECTOR
Online ordering will be brilliant for collecting consumer data...

KEVIN
That's not in the spec! Start making changes at this stage and we could bugger the whole thing.

DIRECTOR
Once our customers have been tricked into going online we can make them do anything. Anything! (LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

KEVIN
Computers can only do what you design them to do. They are not magic!

DIRECTOR
Which button do I press to make all those staff savings we were promised?

KEVIN
It does not work like that!

DIRECTOR
Hello computer?

KEVIN
It won't talk to you.

DIRECTOR
Could you beam me up to the boardroom. (TO KEVIN) Why is this not working?

KEVIN
Because you did not ask for voice recognition, there was no matter transporter in the spec and IT WOULD DEFY THE LAWS OF PHYSICS!

DIRECTOR
(CRESTFALLEN) So, how do I get Spider Solitaire on this thing?

KEVIN
You can't ... no actually that was in the spec. Click here, then here...

DIRECTOR
Good-o. Money well spent.

END.

INT. DAY.

SALESMAN IS TALKING TO A LITTLE OLD LADY

SALESMAN
Will you be wanting to surf

OLD LADY
No, I'm scared of water

SALESMAN
Do you need a big hard drive

OLD LADY
No, some gypo's just laid some ashphalt

SALESMAN
How about a monitor

OLD LADY
Ooh, can't stand lizards

SALESMAN
A nice keyboard perhaps

OLD LADY
Can't play a note

SALESMAN
A mouse

OLD LADY
Where!

SALESMAN
Do you need a firewall

OLD LADY
No, we use a dustbin with holes poked in.

SALESMAN
Then I don't think I can help you madam

OLD LADY
I just want a computer

SALESMAN
Oh, a computer. You need next-door
This is a hardware and general store

EXT. DAY. PRESENTER WALKING ALONG A STREET.

Hello, Tom Follop here again. Tonight on Air My Grievance I'm going to look at those nasty pieces of technology that have ruined our lives. I am talking of course about computers.

We have to look at the cold hard facts, computers are taking over the world, soon they'll be taking over the world... Basically what's happened to us is that the computers have taken all our terms and items that we have in our real world and just stolen them and tried to pass them off as their own and then it looks like they invented them in their own virtual universe.

Just taking the word 'virtual' for instance. I mean I used to use the word virtual every day. 'Thank you for the compliment on my driving skills, the feeling is virtual' or 'The virtual reality on that computer is amazing'. Now computers have usurped the word and when you hear the word virtual these days you automatically think of computers. This is completely unfair.

And it's not just our vocabulary that is affected by the advent of this disgusting machine. You only have to look at the common highstreet to see that businesses are losing out because of this terrible invention.

I'm here in Foxbo Street on a Friday afternoon.

HE LOOKS AROUND AND REALISES THAT IT'S NIGHT AND HE IS IN A FOREST.

SCENE 2.

EXT. DAY. STREET.

I'm here in Foxbo Street on a Friday afternoon. This shop used to be a lovely butchers but look at it now it's a pharmacy and three doors down from that we have a computer store. What has happened? The pharmacy has become more popular that the butchers. The farm has failed, the butcher has buckled and a computer store sneaks in when no-one was looking.

The computer has crept into our psyche over the last number of years and has slowly but very quickly plucked vital components of our real world and made it part of its own virtual world and it has almost gone unnoticed. Before long we will have sunk into this virtual world and by then it will be too late to react.

You may think I am being over dramatic but when you look at the rate that our words and phrases are going missing you will see my point. I flicked through a dictionary the other day and half the pages were blank!

So what have we lost? Firstly take my good friend Willy Figgerty, better known to you and I as 'Wifi', gone; Notebook, gone; Virus, gone. Memory, keyboard, zip, windows, spam all gone. My uncle used to have a fine herd of avatar on his farm but again they seeped into the computer somehow. I haven't seen a real avatar since the 80's.

So what can be done?

It's clear that we must fight back and play computers at their own game. I'm happy to say that steps have been made in taking back words and items from these thieves of technology and the first step is in my hand right now... if you want to am (CAMERA STAYS WHERE IT IS) If you just zoom down...tilt it, just tilt it downwards a bit... (slightly angry) well zoom out then!

In my hand I have head apparel and attached to this item is a lock. Now this lock can be fitted on any item of headwear and is to safeguard against anyone adjusting the size. I like to call this little item a 'capslock'. We haven't stopped there I'm glad to say. Won't you come with me now as I go visit my good pal Ian Peters. I have his address on a piece of paper somewhere...ah here it is the IP address, you see how easily it's done.

You may notice that I am walking extremely rigidly. What I've done you see is to starch the bejesus out of my clothing therefore making it firmware...we're just going to walk through the 'gateway' here and the final hurdle before we reach the IP address is that nine foot wall that they are just setting alight now. Up and over the firewall and I've reached my destination.

TOM STRUGGLES BADLY TO SCALE THE 9 FOOT WALL IN HIS RIGID CLOTHING BUT KEEPS ATTEMPTING. CUT AND COME BACK. IT IS NOW DARK AND TOM IS STILL STRUGGLING TO CLIMB THE WALL. HE HAS SINGE MARKS ALL OVER HIM.

CUT AGAIN AND TOM IS NOW LYING ON HIS BACK, HE IS BREATHLESS WITH A LOOK OF RELIEF ON HIS FACE.

TOM:
Finally!! Thank God! Whew!! You know it was worth it just to prove the point that with perseverance and hard work we can beat this computer uprising. I think it was important for me to scale the wall as a metaphor for us against the computer. For a minute there I didn't think I'd-

CAMERAMAN:
Am, Tom... you're still on the wrong side of the wall.

TOM:
Oh....

WE SEEM TOM AGAIN TRYING IN VAIN TO GAIN ANY SORT OF PURCHASE ON THE WALL. FADE OUT.

END.

MANDY (LATE TWENTIES) HAS BEEN DRINKING WINE ALL DAY HAVING BEEN CALLOUSLY DUMPED BY HER BOYFRIEND.
SHE DECIDES TO CALL HIM TO HAVE A 'TALK'

7.30PM
MANDY DRUNKENLY STABS NUMBERS INTO THE PHONE, SHE GETS AN ENGAGED TONE.
UNDETERRED AND TOO FAR GONE TO WAIT, SHE LETS RIP, CRYING AND SCREAMING DOWN THE PHONE,TELLING HER EX EXACTLY WHAT SHE THINKS OF HIM.

9.00PM
A VOICE ANSWERS AND INTERUPTS HER DRUNKEN TORRENT

VOICE
Talk Talk Broadband, we apologise for the delay, how may we help?

MANDY
F**K, the bastard changed his number

BILL AND SALLY ARE DRIVING IN THEIR CAR. THEY APPEAR CONTENTED WHEN THEIR SATNAV COMPUTER BREAKS THE SILENCE

SATNAV:
You have reached your destination.

BILL:
There you go love, we're home. Who needs to read maps when you've got satnav.

SALLY:
Technology rots your mind. I was always good at mental arithmetic until I start using a calculator. Now I can barely add up without it.

BILL IS LAUGHING

BILL:
Don't blame technology for your pea sized brain. Come on I'll make you a cup of tea, try not to pour it in your ear this time.

SALLY JOKINGLY THUMPS HIM AND HE GRABS THE SATNAV FROM THE DASHBOARD TO CARRY IT INTO THE HOUSE

SATNAV:
Exit the car and walk up the path

THE COUPLE LEAVE THE CAR AND WALK TO THE HOUSE

SATNAV:
Turn the door key. Check your shoes for mud, remember the carpet is new.

THEY BOTH CHECK THEIR SHOES

SATNAV:
Now enter house. Bill, pick up the post and make a weak joke.

BILL GRABS THE LETTERS ON THE FLOOR

BILL:
Oh look, I am popular, all these letters with Bills written on them

SALLY LAUGHS WEAKLY

SATNAV:
Bill, remember it's been a long journey and you had a large mug of tea and a bacon sandwich at the services. Please enter the toilet and prepare for voiding

BILL GOES INTO THE TOILET AND SHUTS THE DOOR STILL CARRYING THE SATNAV

SATNAV (from inside the toilet):
Now Bill before you start, take down (beat) SIGNAL LOST. SIGNAL LOST.

BILL:
Take down what? Erm, It's ok, I think I know what I'm doing. (beat) Oh dear that doesn't feel right. Oh, no. That's gross. SALLY!!!!

BILL EMERGES FROM THE TOILET HIS TROUSERS IN A NOTICEABLY SOILED STATE

SATNAV:
SIGNAL FOUND. Sally, wrinkle nose in disgust. Now get the baby wipes.

INT. HEAD TEACHER'S OFFICE. - DAY.

STEVE JOBS an his wife (LAURENE) are sitting opposite their son's HEAD TEACHER who sits behind a desk.

HEAD TEACHER:
First of all thanks for coming in to see me. Now. As you may have gathered from the letter I sent you, your son Paul has been underperforming lately.

STEVE JOBS:
Really? Good looking boy thought isn't he?

HEAD TEACHER:
What? Yes I suppose but if you look at these grades you can see that...

STEVE JOBS:
Are you sure you're seating him correctly? He must be sat correctly really.

LAURENE:
That's right. He must be sat correctly.

HEAD TEACHER:
As far as I'm concerned he should be able to work as well as the other children, seated as they are seated.

STEVE JOBS:
But he is good looking and always well dressed.

LAURENE:
Beautifully dressed.

HEAD TEACHER:
Be that as it may, could we please address the issue at hand? Now then. In recent weeks it has come to my attention that Paul is struggling quite a bit to keep up with the work.

STEVE JOBS:
I'll just replace him.

HEAD TEACHER:
Replace him? With what?

STEVE JOBS:
Another Paul. He'll look pretty much like the current Paul but he'll perform marginally better.

LAURENE:
And he'll look even better.

STEVE JOBS:
Of course. Real handsome.

HEAD TEACHER:
Um, I was thinking more on the way of extra curricular tuition. One to one? I find that in my experience...

STEVE JOBS:
Sounds like a lot of trouble to go to to me. Honestly give me a couple of years and I'll give you the best, most up to date pupil in the world. Slick, fast,...

LAURENE:
Good looking.

STEVE JOBS:
Good looking. He'll have a range of new features. You'll be the envy of all your peers.

HEAD TEACHER:
Peer envy eh? That does sound quite good.

STEVE JOBS:
And I promise that it won't cost you a penny more than fifteen hundred pounds.

HEAD TEACHER:
Cost me?

STEVE JOBS:
Certainly. Here's a contract.

STEVE JOBS produces a very very long contract. The HEAD TEACHER begins to read it carefully.

STEVE JOBS (CONT'D):
Don't read it! Just sign down there under where it says "agree".

The HEAD TEACHER does so.

HEAD TEACHER:
Well....thank you Mr Jobs. Erm.. What shall I do with Paul in the meantime?

STEVE JOBS:
I'll by him a different coloured jumper. He'll seem new. That might help.

END.