Science Suffers Setback
Yesterday the scientific community suffered a setback as the Large Hadron Collider, the nine billion dollar energy particle accelerator that was expected to advance humanity's understanding of the deepest laws of nature, found God. And yes, he is an old man with long white hair.
Yesterday the Hadron Collider team was excited because they were to push the Collider's capacity up to 66%. This would be the fastest particle accelerator exercise to date. The room was tense with nervous excitement. Then something went wrong.
Although mentally exhausted, Dr. Baertschi agreed to be interviewed, "Well, it's quite simple what happened," he began with a regretful sigh, "We thought we were going to push science further into the unknown. You know, step by step, using the scientific method, we were really going to learn things here. Then in a moment, everything changed."
"Right when the protons smashed our observation tools picked up something very large in the tunnel. Large, as in human-sized. Closer inspection revealed an old man with a cane. He had long white hair and was wearing a white toga. Seeing his surroundings, he seemed a little angry.
"We got him into one of the rooms here and he told us he was God. We're scientists, so of course we don't believe in God. But, he did some pretty crazy miracles to prove it."
When asked what God had said, Dr. Baertschi responded offhandedly, "Oh just some stuff about following the ten commandments, the importance of going to church, and that we didn't have to spend all of our time and money on science anymore, because he was the answer to everything. Anyways he asked to use the restroom, and when we checked on him he was gone." Dr. Baertschi ended the conversation with, "I was betting on the wrong horse my whole life."
In related news--
The Vatican throws a fifty million dollar party in St. Peter's Square.
Scientists around the world refuse to accept the Hadron's discovery until it is "reproducible."