This is the first few scenes of a radio version of an old script. Any comments appreciated.
Cheers,
Bo.
SCENE 1BLACKSTONES BOOKSHOP
THE BOOKSHOP IS FILLED WITH THE CHATTER OF A MAINLY FEMALE CROWD
Gimley:
Ahem!
THE CHATTERING DIES DOWN.
Gimley:
Good evening ladies and... erm... ladies. May I welcome you all to Blackstones book emporium where, this evening, we are honoured to have with us, to read extracts from his latest novel, one of England's most esteemed authors. Would you please join me in giving a hearty welcome to Mr. Charles Dickens.
THERE IS A RIPPLE OF POLITE APPLAUSE.
Dickens:
Please... you are too kind.
THE APPLAUSE PETERS OUT.
Dickens:
Thank you Mr. Gimley for that kind introduction. It is always a pleasure to return to... erm... err...
Gimley:
(OFF) Blackstones,
Dickens:
...Blackstones. I always find this establishment's patrons among the most knowledgeable and intelligent of all my audiences.
THERE IS AN APPRECIATIVE MURMER FROM THE AUDIENCE
Dickens:
And so to my latest work...
Gimley:
(V.O.) Watching Mr. Dickens that evening reminded me of my own ambitions. I'd left friends, family and my beloved fiancée behind and travelled to London to find my fortune. While pursuing my dream of becoming a writer I'd taken a temporary position in Blackstones bookshop. But one year later, there I remained - no closer to the writing career I craved until... a chance meeting with a quite remarkable man and a decision that was to change my life irrevocably. My name is Thomas Gimley and this is my story. It is not a fiction.
Dickens:
...That was a memorable day to me, for it made great changes in me but it is the same with any life. Imagine one...
Woman #1:
(OFF) Marry me!
Dickens:
Erm... imagine one selected day struck out of it, and think how different its course would have been.
Woman #2:
(OFF) I love you Charlie!
Dickens:
(BEAT) Pause you who read this...
Woman #3:
(OFF) I love you more! Marry me Mr. Dickens!
Woman #4:
(OFF) No! Me! Marry me!
SOON ALL THE WOMEN ARE SHOUTING OUT TO DICKENS.
Dickens:
Erm... Pause you who read this and think for a moment of the long chain of iron or gold...
Woman #5:
(OFF) Get 'em off!
THE CRIES OF THE CROWD GROW LOUDER.
Dickens:
...of thorns or flowers that would never have bound you...
THE CROWD ARE AT FEVER PITCH. THERE ARE WOMEN SHRIEKING.
Dickens:
(SHOUTS) ...but for the formation of the first link on one memorable...
F/XDICKENS IS HIT BY SOME UNDERWEAR
Dickens:
Argh!
Gimley:
(OFF) Good Lord! Are you alright Mr. Dickens? You appear to have been struck by some... erm... ladies undergarments.
Dickens:
(MUFFLED) I am aware of that, Mr. Gimley! Get them off of me!
THE CROWD QUIETENS
Gimley:
Yes, sir. (BEAT) I think they've become entangled in your spectacles.
Dickens:
(MUFFLED) Hurry up - I can barely breathe!
Gimley:
Ah, there we go, sir. I say, you certainly have some exuberant admirers. Still... they seem to have quietened down now, sir.
Dickens:
What? Oh... oh Lord. Make no sudden movements.
Gimley:
I beg your pardon?
Dickens:
I'm afraid I've experienced this all too often - the eerie silence, the oppressive air of menace mingling with the overpowering stench of rosewater - it is the lull before the storm. Mr. Gimley would you be so kind as to shield me as I move slowly towards your back room.
Gimley:
Shield you, sir? From what?
Dickens:
From them you fool! Look at them. Look at their eyes. Hungry - like a poorhouse child at a confectioner's window. If they get a hold of me they'll have me in tatters.
Gimley:
Criminy! Erm... this way then, sir.
Dickens:
That's right... slowly does it... good. Now if I can just slip inside...
F/XDICKENS TRIES THE DOOR
Dickens:
Mr. Gimley, the door to the back room - it's locked.
Gimley:
Yes sir. We always keep it locked. You can't be too careful these days.
THE FEMALE CROWD BEGIN TO QUIETLY CHANT "CHARLIE! CHARLIE!"
Dickens:
Well, sir, if you would kindly open it with the utmost expediency.
Gimley:
Of course, I have the key right... Oh, that's odd. I could have sworn it was in this pocket...
THE CHANTING GROWS LOUDER
Dickens:
They are almost upon us so if you could possibly hasten?
THE CROWD CHANTING LOUDLY, WAILING AND SHOUTING NOW.
Gimley:
Ah, that's right! I put the key in this pocket because I thought if I have to bend over to pick something up then there's a good chance it might...
Dickens:
Open the bloody door, maaaargh!
THE CROWD OF WOMEN ENGULF DICKENS IN AN EXCITED FRENZY
F/X THE KEY ENTERS THE LOCK AND THE DOOR OPENS.
Gimley:
And we're in, Mr Dickens... Mr. Dickens? Good Lord!
SCENE 2BLACKSTONES BOOKSHOP - BACK ROOM
Gimley:
I've had a good look around, Mr. Dickens but I'm afraid I couldn't find a replacement pair of trousers. However I thought maybe this doormat...? Admittedly, it may be a little rough on the skin... erm, down below... but tethered with some twine it should adequately cover your modesty until we get you home.
Dickens:
Oh, the indignity! That is it! I'm finished performing live.
Gimley:
Don't be like that, sir. So they weren't enamoured with your latest novel? I wouldn't be downhearted, the reading public these days can be very fickle.
Dickens:
What are you talking about, man?
Gimley:
If it's any consolation I thought it sounded just... fine. Although, If I could offer just a small suggestion... next time why not try writing something a little less... wordy.
Dickens:
Wordy?!
Gimley:
Yes, all the flowery stuff - I think it's had its day. If I'm honest I don't even know what half the words you use mean.
Dickens:
Mr. Gimley! I would thank you to keep your...
Gimley:
Please, Mr. Dickens, absolutely no thanks necessary. Maybe a mention in your next novel... well, as long it's not another flop. I don't think anybody wants tarred with that brush.
Dickens:
Would you kindly pass me that book, Mr. Gimley?
Gimley:
This small one, sir? The Bronte Sisters' "Guide to Health and Vitality"?
Dickens:
No, the one on the clearance pile, that large, heavy one with the sharp, brassbound corners.
Gimley:
Ah, "Visions of Tomorrow" by Lionel Plumdyke. I wasn't aware you were interested in science, Mr. Dickens?
Dickens:
I'm not. However I suspect it will require a tome of this heft to do adequate damage.
Gimley:
Damage, sir?
Dickens:
Yes, when it connects with your imbecilic visage!
GIMLEY BACKS AWAY FROM DICKENS
Gimley:
Ah, now, sir. Please don't do anything rash.
Dickens:
Sir, your temerarious ostentation dumbfounds me beyond articulation. Any further peroration from you and I shall be indentured to precipitate this volume in your proclivity!
Gimley:
(BEAT) Sorry, I got "dumbfounds" there, but that's about all.
Dickens:
You were warned...!
DICKENS HURLS THE BOOK. IT SAILS THROUGH THE AIR.
F/XTHE BOOK HITS GIMLEY
Gimley:
Argh! Oh, that smarts.
SCENE 3CAVENDISH GENTLEMEN'S CLUB
IN THE GENTLEMEN'S CLUB THERE IS AN ONGOING FUNCTION ATTENDED BY A NUMBER OF GENTLEMEN.
Gimley:
(V.O.) It was only at a later date, long after my concussion had subsided, that I could appreciate the irony in being struck by that particular book. For unbeknownst to me, at that precise moment the journal's author, Mr. Lionel Plumdyke, was attending a scientific gathering not one mile from where I lay bleeding...
Plumdyke:
...Hmm, well that certainly is an intriguing conundrum, sir. If one was to accept such a proposal - and I must stress I am as yet undecided on the matter - but if one were then one would also have to embrace the possibility that it may set in motion a series of events that could, if unchecked, result in... (Chuckles) ...well, shall we say... a less than desirous conclusion.
Waiter:
Is that, yes, sir would like a drink or...?
Plumdyke:
I'll leave it for now, thank you waiter.
Lord Darnley:
Oh, Plumdyke. You came did you?
Plumdyke:
Of course, Lord Darnley. And may I say, sir, how honoured I am that you would invite me along to such an auspicious occasion as this. To think that I, Lionel Plumdyke, would be here at the inaugural gathering of the Fellowship of Science - rubbing shoulders with such esteemed colleagues. My mind is literally a-boggle.
Lord Darnley:
Yes, I suspect it is... unfortunately the invitations were sent out some time ago - before that book of yours was published...
Plumdyke:
Ah, have you... managed to read it yet, sir?
Lord Darnley:
No. Popped into a bookshop the other day to see if I could pick up a copy. Couldn't find one. The chap there said they must have sold out.
Plumdyke:
Sold out? Really?
Lord Darnley:
Then he remembered they'd put it in the children's section. And there it was, right in amongst the other nonsense and fairytales.
Plumdyke:
Oh.
Lord Darnley:
Still, I understand the rest of the fellows here have been most... entertained by your theories.
Plumdyke:
Well, that's pleasing to hear, sir. I'd like to think my views would spark some intelligent debate.
Lord Darnley:
Yes, you would like to think that, wouldn't you? I was particularly intrigued to hear your contribution to Mr. Darwin's ideas. How did that go again...?
Plumdyke:
Ah yes, my canine dominance theory. Well, after exhaustive tests I concluded that dogs are of equal, and in some cases, of higher intelligence than many men...
Lord Darnley:
Some men, clearly.
Plumdyke:
...And that, in the not too distant future, much as Mr. Darwin said monkeys... erm... changed into people, I foresee man's "best friend" will change into a new, dominant species... Man-dogs if you will.
Lord Darnley:
Fascinating. However I believe your book was rather thin on evidence to substantiate such a claim.
Plumdyke:
Ah, well, yes, I can explain that...
Lord Darnley:
I assume you documented these extensive tests you carried out, Plumdyke? I mean only an utter fool would put forward such a theory without documentary evidence to back it up.
Plumdyke:
Well, yes, of course I documented it, but...
Lord Darnley:
So where is it?
Plumdyke:
Erm... the subjects I was testing... they devoured it, sir.
Lord Darnley:
The dogs? The dogs ate your documentation?
Plumdyke:
Yes. There was nothing I could do sir, the rascals outfoxed me - they'd lured me into a closet with some canine mind trickery and locked me in. I could see them through the keyhole as their slavery jaws tore my research notes to shreds.
Lord Darnley:
Astonishing.
Plumdyke:
Of course, I suspect it was all a deliberate ploy to cover up the truth and thus avoid... persecution
Lord Darnley:
Hmm... I have to be candid here, Plumdyke.
Plumdyke:
Please do be... do... sir.
Lord Darnley:
When I founded the Fellowship of Science I had in mind a meeting place where forward thinking men could come together and discuss matters of scientific import that, in the end, would contribute to the bank of human knowledge about ourselves and the universe around us.
Plumdyke:
Mmm, mmm, absolutely.
Lord Darnley:
But more than that, I saw it as a place where such men of science could relax and socialise in good, intelligent company. Occasionally there might be entertainment as a pleasing distraction from their important work - an operatic singer perhaps, a mime...or a clown.
Plumdyke:
It's a wonderful vision sir.
Lord Darnley:
Yes... I did intend hiring these clowns in on an as-required basis. You know, they'd turn up, perform their tomfoolery and, once we were sufficiently amused, off they'd go. (BEAT) What I hadn't envisaged... was retaining a clown as an actual member of the Fellowship.
Plumdyke:
Of course not, sir. Why would you?
Lord Darnley:
The last thing I would want is for some of the great minds gathered here tonight to be entering into a deep meaningful discourse on revolutionary scientific theories - on the brink of gleaning an insight that might broaden human understanding... only to have a clown... pop up out of nowhere... spouting some comical nonsense that spoils it for everyone. (BEAT) You can imagine how unseemly such a thing would be?
Plumdyke:
(Laughs) That would be chaos, sir.
Lord Darnley:
Good man, I knew you would understand. I'm sure you'll be greatly missed and all that. Feel free to have a drink before you leave and good luck with your future... endeavours.
Plumdyke:
Erm... oh... but...
F/XA CLOCK BEGINS TO CHIME
Lord Darnley:
(OFF) Ah, eight o'clock - time for my speech I think...
Plumdyke:
Oh, confound it! Waiter! Brandy... a gentleman's measure if you will!
