Shock Treatment -- Entry for Sitcom Trials

Hello all,

This is the complete first draft of my entry for the Sitcom Trials, and I welcome your comments.

For those who don't know, the requirements of the Sitcom Trials are for an 8-minute first act ending on a cliffhanger, plus a second act of two minutes as a climax.

"Shock Treatment" is the title, and this episode is called "The Case of the Smoking Gun". Many thanks in advance for taking the time to read and comment.

SHOCK TREATMENT-THE CASE OF THE SMOKING GUN-ACT ONE

INT. LIME'S OFFICE - DAY

DR. SIRIUS LIME sits behind his desk. MRS RIORDAN sits
opposite. The atmosphere is tense, like an interrogation.

MRS RIORDAN
It was my husband's idea.

Lime nods. He selects a sweet from the bowl on his desk.

MRS RIORDAN
He doesn't like my constant
cleaning. He says I'm obsessive.

Lime nods, chewing the sweet. He tosses the wrapper on the
desk, at which Mrs Riordan squeals and shuts her eyes.

LIME
Is your husband a practising
psychologist?

MRS RIORDAN
I don't think so.

LIME
Then leave the diagnosis to me, Mrs
Riordan.

Mrs Riordan nods, still with eyes closed.

LIME
Your eyes are closed. Does the
sweet wrapper trouble you?

MRS RIORDAN
And the papers on the floor. The
layer of dust on the desk. Not to
mention the state of the carpet.

LIME
I see. Well--

MRS RIORDAN
The windows are grimy.

LIME
Open your eyes, Mrs Riordan.

MRS RIORDAN
Bookshelf all higgle-de-piggledy.

LIME
Gott in Himmel! Open your eyes!

She forces her eyes open.

LIME
Tell me, what would you most like
to do in the world right now?

MRS RIORDAN
I'd like to, well, I'd like to put
that wrapper in the bin.

LIME
And what is stopping you?

MRS RIORDAN
It wouldn't be right. It's your
office.

LIME
So you'd be doing me a favour, yes?

MRS RIORDAN
Well...

LIME
Embrace your flaws! Take control!

Mrs Riordan reaches tentatively for the wrapper.

LIME
Yes! Dominate your world! Crush
your doubts!

Mrs Riordan picks up wrapper.

LIME
Do it! Do it! Do it!

Mrs Riordan pops the wrapper in the wastebasket.

LIME
Congratulations, Mrs Riordan. Your
husband is a fool. Divorce him.
Keep cleaning and be happy.

MRS RIORDAN
Oh, this is wonderful. Dr Lime, how
can I ever repay you?

LIME
I prefer my fee in cash. Can you
come, say, twice a week? That
should be enough to keep my office
clean, I mean, to maintain your
confidence.

MRS RIORDAN
Thank you, Dr Lime.

Mrs Riordan leaves. JANE DEFOE enters.

JANE
Halloo.

LIME
Ach du liebe Güte! How did you get
past security?

JANE
You mean the old porter? Told him I
was coming up to see you. Jane.
Jane Defoe? Here for work
experience?

LIME
¡Claro! I remember now. From the
university. I've always relished
the idea of being a mentor. Having
a minion, no, a sidekick, wait,
yes, an... apprentice.

Lime reaches across the table to shake Jane's hand.

LIME
Quick question: what is the purpose
of a psychologist?

JANE
Er, to solve people's problems?

Lime cracks up laughing.

LIME
I'm sorry. That's the funniest
thing I've heard in ages.

JANE
Well what is the purpose of a
psychologist then?

There is a knock at the door.

LIME
Watch and learn, my young
apprentice. Watch and learn.

The door opens and in lumbers Mr NESMITH.

NESMITH
Dr Slime?

LIME
Lime. My surname is Lime. The sign
should read, "Dr. S. Lime." You
see? My first name is Sirius. There
was an unfortunate mistake by the
sign painter. He has been
eliminated, of course. Please take
a seat.

Mr Nesmith squeezes himself into the chair opposite Lime.

NESMITH
The name's Nesmith.

LIME
So, we meet again, Mr Nesmith?

NESMITH
No, this is the first time. I don't
really know how this works. Do you
expect me to talk?

LIME
No, Mr Nesmith, I expect you to
die. (beat) Just joking. Yes,
please talk. How can I help?

Mr Nesmith glances at Jane, wondering who she is.

LIME
My apprentice--Miss Defoe. She's
here to follow in the footsteps of
greatness. You don't mind if she
sits in?

NESMITH
Two heads better than one, eh?

LIME
Alas one of my experiments proved
otherwise. Poor Theodore. He never
did get on with that extra head.
And the trouble we had to find a
suitable coffin... I digress, what
is the problem?

JANE
You mean you're going to solve his
problem?

LIME
What do you think I'm going to do?
Kick him out in the street? ¡Dios
mio! kids today!

JANE
But you said--

LIME
Silence! Mr Nesmith is going to
speak. I shall brook no
interruptions. Now, Mr Nesmith...

NESMITH
Well, the problem is--

Lime waves a hand to cut him off.

LIME
Actually, there's no need for you
to speak. As one of the world's
leading psychologists, I already
know everything there is to know
about you.

NESMITH
You do?

LIME
You are the analytical type,
probably working as an accountant.
No doubt you have repressed
fantasies of violence. You want me
to stop you from embarking on a
killing spree. Correct?

RIORDAN
I'm a graphic designer. Most people
would say it's a creative
profession. And I don't have any
violent tendencies. I'm here to
stop smoking.

Beat.

LIME
Exactly as I predicted! You see, Mr
Nesmith, I used reverse psychology
to manipulate you into revealing
your secrets.

JANE
Couldn't you just have asked him?

LIME
In a way I did, my young
apprentice.

NESMITH
I've done patches, hypnosis,
acupuncture. Nothing's worked.
Please, you've got to help me.

Lime reaches into his desk and produces a cigar. He lights
it up and puffs smoke across the desk.

LIME
Tell me, Mr Nesmith. Why would
anyone want to give up smoking?
It's such a pleasurable habit.

NESMITH
Can we smoke in here?

LIME
Of course.

Nesmith pulls out a pack of Benson and Hedges, lights up.

JANE
Actually, don't think you can. It's
against the law at work.

LIME
Pay no heed to petty-minded
bureaucrats in Brussels, Miss
Defoe. What if part of my job is to
smoke?

JANE
But it isn't.

LIME
Oh, really? Are you sure?

JANE
Pretty sure.

LIME
Oh, you're "pretty sure"?. Well,
"pretty sure" is no good when
you're dealing with a nuclear bomb
powerful enough to topple the earth
from its axis, is it? "Pretty sure"
may just make you hesitate enough
to give your nemesis the chance to
undo all your plans, causing the
elite organisation for whom you
worked loyally all those years to
expel from you its ranks forcing
you to change your identity and
find a job in some lowly position
in a foreign country. Please, the
next time you think of saying
"Pretty sure" just take a dagger
and stick it in my heart.

JANE
Is this a hidden camera joke-thing?
You sound like a criminal
mastermind.

Lime glares at her, like she's discovered a dark secret.

LIME
On with the case. (To Nesmith) I
repeat, why do you wish to give up
such a wondrous pastime?

NESMITH
(puffing on his ciggie)
Health. Cancer runs in my family.
I'll die if I don't give up.

He stubs out his cigarette in the ashtray and sobs.

LIME
There is only one sure way to give
up, Mr Nesmith. My way. But it's
not easy. The question is, what are
you willing to do?

MR NESMITH
Anything.

LIME
Excellent. Miss Defoe?

JANE
Yes?

LIME
To my right there is a door.
Through the door is a kitchen
fully-equipped with the latest
beverage-producing facilities. Are
you familiar with the making of the
tea?

JANE
Pretty sure, yes.

Beat. Lime's eye twitches.

LIME
You do not understand the
implications of my previous
statement?

JANE
What? Oh, sorry. Right-o!

Jane leaves for the kitchen.

LIME
I can't decide if she is a dumbkopf
or starrköpfig. Anyway, time to
begin the treatment. Could you put
your arms behind the chair? Yes,
perfect.

Lime gets up, he's holding a rope behind his back. He ties
it round Nesmith's wrists.

NESMITH
What are you doing?

LIME
If you just stay calm this will be
so much easier.

Lime produces a handkerchief, jams it in Nesmith's mouth.

Jane enters.

JANE
Forgot to ask--sugar and milk? Holy
crap!

Lime prepares a syringe.

LIME
Just milk for me. I'm sweet enough.

JANE
What are you doing?

LIME
Treating my client.

JANE
Are you serious?

LIME
Sirius is my first name, yes.

JANE
You've got him tied up.

LIME
(to Nesmith)
Now, you'll just feel a little
pinch. (Laughs) That's funny in
Swahali. Bit rude though.

Lime injects Nesmith, turns to Jane, a glint in his eye.

Beat.

The kettle in the kitchen pings.

LIME
It seems I shall have to make my
own tea. Miss Defoe, do not, under
any circumstances, touch the
client's bonds. Understood?

Jane nods. Lime leaves. Jane rips off Nesmith's gag.

NESMITH
He'th gone craythy. He tied me up.
Wait a thecond. Whatth happened to
my tongue? I can't thpeak. Thit!

JANE
It must be the injection.

Jane undoes the bonds, helps him up.

NESMITH
He'th a nutcathe. He'th inthane!

JANE
Get out before he comes back.

Nesmith flees. Lime enters with a tray of tea, humming "La
Cucaracha."

LIME
Right, Mr Nesmith. Now that you're
comfortable I shall tell you a
little more...

Lime sees that Nesmith has escaped, puts tray down.

LIME
Miss Defoe, perhaps things are
different at the University of
Croydon, but I do not tolerate
failure.

He takes a pistol from a drawer and brandishes it at Jane.

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO -- INT. LIME'S OFFICE - DAY

Lime fits a silencer to the pistol. Jane backs away.

LIME
Are you familiar with firearms?
Pistols, assault-rifles, etc?

JANE
Not really, no.

LIME
Goodness. What are they teaching in
psychology departments these days?

JANE
What are you doing?

LIME
We must find our client.

JANE
And kill him?

LIME
Whatever gave you that impression?

Lime opens a briefcase, takes out a machine gun.

JANE
Oh, what?

LIME
You think a sniper rifle would be
better? Trust me, the shorter
barrel length of the carbine makes
it more convenient for use in urban
environments.

JANE
Well, good luck with that.

LIME
You're coming with me.

JANE
I think not.

LIME
Do I need to inform your tutor of
your psychotic tendencies?

JANE
What? I don't have psychotic
tendencies!

Lime tosses the carbine to her.

LIME
Then shoot to kill, my young
apprentice. Shoot to kill.

Jane looks aghast at the carbine.

LIME
The gun is loaded with blanks.
We're merely going to give Mr
Nesmith the fright of his life. He
will never smoke again.

JANE
It's a form of shock treatment?

LIME
Yes. All part of my plan. I knew
you would let him go.

JANE
What if he goes to the police?

LIME
I've covered every variable. Thanks
to the injection, they'll think
he's a drunk.

JANE
This is a little... unorthodox. Are
you sure it's going to work?

LIME
Pretty sure.

JANE
Earlier on, you asked me the
purpose of a psychologist. So,
what's the right answer?

LIME
To help people to help themselves,
Miss Defoe.

JANE
With guns?

LIME
A good psychologist uses any means
necessary. Right. Time to deliver
some mental health care. Coming?

Lime snaps the safety off his pistol and leads the way out,
Jane hesitates, then follows.

END

I've had some fantastic feedback from one of the members of the board via the private message function, but I'd welcome more opinions before I send this in.

Thanks again.

Why did they PM you I wonder? But I thought it was very good, I'm impressed.

Almost a little too good!

Thanks, Vader! Today will be a day long remembered...

BTW, The PM was a result of a swap arrangement on another thread.

If you'd like me to look at any of your work please let me know.

It will? That's nice.

Ah right, thanks for the offer.

I thought you'd recognise the Darth Vader quote! Or maybe you did, and "That's nice" is a Vader quote too. Was it when Boba Fett told him he'd captured Han Solo?

I like this evan. The Lime character is well defined and there are some good lines in there. For me it peters out a little at the end but this may not matter in a sitcom format as much.

I enjoyed it. Nice one.

There were a couple of tiny bits I would have done differently - either cut the Theodore bit slightly shorter or found a different joke to riff off him having two heads, and I wouldn't have had Jane mention him being a master criminal as that comes across quite clearly from Lime's rant. But those might just be me liking my comedy quite subtle sometimes and not needing a joke rammed home.

Apart from that, I think you'd benefit from a couple of laughs at the front end and I agree with scratchyr that it tails off a little but perhaps that's due to the restrictions of the cliffhanger/2 minute resolution requirement.

Lime seems like a great character and I'd definitely like to see something more of him written on your own terms.

Wow, I love this but wonder how say, six episodes would work out.

Wow! Thanks to all of you for reading and commenting. Glad the character of Lime is getting some good reactions.

--regarding the "criminal mastermind" line, yeah I think it's too obvious so I'll be cutting that out.

--the poor theodore line is going to get a rethink too, it does sort of stick out a bit in comparison with the rest of Lime's quips.

--petering out at the end--that's probably me not resolving the Nesmith plotline "onstage". Given the time restrictions, I thought I'd go for an emotional climax with Jane sort of coming to terms with Lime's craziness. Alas, this isn't something I'm going to be able to change much. The person who critiqued via private message had an excellent suggestion for the ending, though, so I think the next draft, which incorporates this idea, will work a little better.

--the next six episodes? I haven't written them yet, but I've finished the first full length version, and I have a huge amount of backstory for Lime to take advantage of--his upbringing in Mexico, his nazi grandfather, the criminal organisation he worked for... Jane has parent issues, which there was no time to address in this short episode. Then there's the "patient of the week" plot generator, though I see this changing in the second series--Lime could be running for Prime Minister!

Again many thanks to all, your comments are really appreciated. Let me know if you'd like me to read your work.

I'm starting to think Dr Lime is based on you and you're offering to read peoples work so if it's good you can bump them off and assume their identity, as one among many.

Its very good, but at the moment Slime appears to be a cross between Dr Evil and Pappa Lazaroue.
I think if you diluted or perhaps concealed Slimes plans a little in the first episode it would help to subtly introduce viewers/Listeners to the more extreme humour you have, it would also help you do six episodes.
It has lots of potential, but if you don't tone Slime down in the first episode then he will have needed to have constructed a death star by the sixth just to be consistent.

Vader: You uncovered my diabolical plan. Foiled again!

Teddy: Thanks for your comments. This isn't really a "first episode" as such, it's the 8-minute version for the Sitcom Trials competition. I know what you mean though, so I'll take your thoughts into account when I'm working on the series.

I've entered this in the competition now so no more critiques needed. Big thanks to everyone who commented!