Cpds

FX LOUD TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS THROUGH OUT

JANICE OPENS HER FRONT DOOR ON A CHAIN
IT'S 1AM

A POLICE OFFICER AND SEVERAL DUBIOUS LOOKING TYPES AWAIT

JANICE
Hello. Who is it? It's 1am I'll call the police.

POLICE
We are the police miss, sort of. We're a new community policing team.

JANICE
Great I call 2 days a go about my neighbour playing loud music and his dog plopping on my lawn. And they send a community police officer at 1 bloody am,

POLICE
We're not PCO'S Mrs Smith the CPDS.

JANICE
CPDS?

POLICE
Community Police Death squad. Boris Johnson picked up the idea on his tour of Caracas.

JANICE
Hang on so you murder people?

POLICE
Yes.

JANICE
For littering and jay walking and so on?

POLICE
No, no. As a death squad we kill the enemies of the state, those who seek to subvert the rule of law of our beloved leader Commandante Boris Johnson.

JANICE
Oh I see and that doesn't include dog plops and loud music?

POLICE
No. Now has your neighbour; distributed revolutionary materials, organised subversive meeting, created any graffito of an anti state nature?

JANICE
No.

POLICE
Does he read the Guardian or the Independent?

JANICE
Not even the mirror.

POLICE
You seem a decent sort Mrs Smith so there is one more question I could ask. Does your neighbour support AV?

JANICE
I don't know.

POLICE WINKS KNOWINGLY

POLICE
I think we can do better than that eh.

JANICE
Oh right. Yes he said it's an excellent system for allowing minority parties into government and undermining the traditional hegemony of the two main parties.
He also said...

POLICE
Now come on Mrs Smith just say it.

JANICE
He said it would allow the Liberal Democrats a real say in government.

POLICE
I think that's quite enough. Thank you Mrs Smith mind how you go.

MRS SMITH SHUTS DOOR

FX OOV KNOCK ON DOOR FOLLOWED BY SHOUTING, FOLLOWED BY SOUND OF VIOLENCE, FOLLOWED BY ONE GUN SHOT, FOLLOWED BY SECOND GUNSHOT, MUSIC STOPS

I don't know if the done thing on this site, but I found this piece amusing and took the liberty of offering a few changes, if that offends let me know and I will delete it.

FX LOUD TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS THROUGH OUT

JANICE OPENS HER FRONT DOOR ON A CHAIN
IT'S 1AM

A POLICE OFFICER AND SEVERAL DUBIOUS LOOKING TYPES AWAIT

JANICE

Hello, Who the hell is it? It's one o'clock in the bloody morning, clear orf before I call the police.

POLICE

Buenos noches Senorita we are ze Finchley Federales.

JANICE:

Who?

POLICE:

We are ze Cee Pee Dee senorita, we police ze community.

JANICE:

Is this in relation to the complaint I made yesterday?

POLICE

Si, you have a loco next door man no?

JANICE:

I don't believe this, I complain about my neighbour playing loud music and his dog pooing on my lawn andthey send a bunch of community police officers in the middle of the night to sort it out!,

POLICE

We're no stinking PCO'S , we are ze Cee Pee Dee.

JANICE

CPD?

POLICE

Community Police Death Squad ze mayor Boris Johnson, he pick up the idea on his tour of Caracas.

JANICE

Hang on so you murder people?

POLICE

Si, no problem.

JANICE

Just for playing music to loud and a bit of dog poo?

POLICE

Si Si we operate a zero tolerenco for Meester Boris.

JANICE

That seems a bit over the top

POLICE

In your call you say this guy, you say his dogs is called Che?

JANICE

Yes and his cats called Fidel, but whats that got to do with it?

POLICE

We take it you don't like this guy, he play music that send you loco and hees filthy dog, it disgrace your home no .

JANICE:

I have to admit that he has been quite unreasonable.

POLICE

This guy he going your street party manana?

JANICE

Actually no, he said he would rather sit in his garden and read the paper.

POLICE

Perhaps this guy does he read the Guardiano or Ze Independent?

JANICE

I'm not sure, but I have seen him with the Big Issue.

POLICE

Si Si, zis guy he has asked you about AV?

JANICE

No, not than I can recall .

POLICE

So what you want this crazy music to continue forever, perhaps you ok with his stinking dog.

JANICE:

It can be a bit much

POLICE:
(Winks)

Then think Senorita, has this guy ever mentioned AV to you or perhaps your chuldreen?

JANICE

Oh right. Yes he said it's an excellent system for allowing minority parties into government and undermining the traditional hegemony of the two main parties.
He also said...

POLICE
(Holds up Hand in Disgust)

Por Favour

JANICE

He said it would allow the Liberal Democrats a real say in government.

POLICE:

Bastardo! Adios and gracias Mrs Smith.

MRS SMITH SHUTS DOOR

FX OOV KNOCK ON DOOR FOLLOWED BY SHOUTING, FOLLOWED BY SOUND OF VIOLENCE, FOLLOWED BY ONE GUN SHOT, FOLLOWED BY SECOND GUNSHOT, MUSIC STOPS

The original is a good idea but deffo too long. The second vetsion afds nothing and works less well.

With a rewrite this could work.

One can only try I suppose, I just thought it needed Latino type voices.

Draft 2

FX LOUD TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS THROUGH OUT

JANICE OPENS HER FRONT DOOR ON A CHAIN
IT'S 1AM

A POLICE OFFICER AND SEVERAL DUBIOUS LOOKING TYPES AWAIT

JANICE
Hello. Who is it? It's 1am I'll call the police.

POLICE
No need We're a new community policing initiative.

JANICE
Great I call 2 days a go about my neighbour playing loud music and his dog plopping on my lawn.

POLICE
We're not PCO'S Mrs Smith the CDS

JANICE
CDS?

POLICE
Community Death squad. Boris Johnson picked up the idea on his tour of Caracas, it's like an ASBO only permanent and a lot messier.

JANICE
Hang on so you murder people?

POLICE
Well as a death squad we liqiuidate the enemies of the state. Those who seek to subvert our beloved leader Commandante Boris Johnson.

DEATH SQUAD MEMBER IN BACKGROUND
All hail Commandate Boris! The Albino Jackal!

JANICE
Do dog plops and loud music count as subversive activity?

POLICE
No. Now has your neighbour; distributed revolutionary materials, organised subversive meeting, created any graffito of an anti state nature?

JANICE
No.

POLICE
Does he read the Guardian or the Independent?

JANICE
Not even the mirror.

POLICE
You seem a decent sort Mrs Smith so there is one more question I could ask. Does your neighbour support AV?

JANICE
I don't know.

POLICE WINKS KNOWINGLY

POLICE
I think we can do better than that eh.

JANICE
Oh right. Yes he said it's an excellent system for allowing minority parties into government and permitting the Liberal Democrats to become an effective 3rd voice.

POLICE
The total bastard

DEATH SQUAD MEMBER IN THE BACKGROUND .
We kill the gringo yellow Liberal bastardo!

MRS SMITH SHUTS DOOR

FX OOV KNOCK ON DOOR FOLLOWED BY SHOUTING, FOLLOWED BY SOUND OF VIOLENCE, FOLLOWED BY ONE GUN SHOT, FOLLOWED BY SECOND GUNSHOT, MUSIC STOPS

I'd have the dubious types first and then the police officer appearing giving the line 'No need...' etc, makes it more logical. And last line is good from Teddy's suggestion.