Ey Up! Now then. I started to write a serious play (i know it's a comedy forum) but then I hit a wall, (not literally) so I decided to try and add some comedy, although be warned, like most of my other stuff it is not a laugh a minute. I know it is long but it is the whole of the first scene, I hope you will pick up the story very quickly and be interested enough to carry on til the end, let me know what you think.
Thanks
Dave (Batley)
Act One Scene One
The Stage is dark. There is banging and clattering. Gabriel is owching. As the lights come up Serif and Farishta stand waiting as Gabriel drags Elizabeth along the stage. Elizabeth Punches Gabriel on the arm several times
ELIZABETH
What the bloody hell is going on?
GABRIEL
Hold on, don't hit me again
ELIZABETH
Hit you! Hit you! Who are you?
GABRIEL
I am Gabriel, I am an Angel
ELIZABETH
Oh
ELIZABETH HITS GABRIEL AGAIN
GABRIEL
Owch!, I am, so are they
ELIZABETH
You're angels?
SERIF
We are, I am serif, I am one of the highest order of Ang..
ELIZABETH
Let go of me
GABRIEL
Only if you don't hit me again
ELIZABETH
Ok
GABRIEL
Do you promise?
ELIZABETH
Ok
GABRIEL LETS GO OF ELIZABETH. ELIZABETH PUNCHES HIM IN THE ARM AGAIN
GABRIEL
Owch, stop it, you said you wouldn't..
ELIZABETH
Stupid. So come on then who are you, where are we?
SERIF
We are the committee of Angels and you are in Heaven
ELIZABETH
Is this some sort of practical joke?
FARISHTA
Look around you
ELIZABETH
What?
FARISHTA
Look around you, this is heaven can you not sense that it is a serene and peaceful place
ELIZABETH
I tell you what I can sense and it is neither peaceful or serene, You take me back home right now or so help me I'll..
ELIZABETH TAKES A CIGGARETTE FROM HER POCKET AND PLACES IT IN HER MOUTH AS THE BEMUSED ANGELS LOOK AT EACH OTHER
SERIF
You cannot smoke here
ELIZABETH
You want to stop me? You kidnap me and bring me here, practically breaking my neck in the process, and then you hold me here telling me all this stuff about you being angels and me been in heaven and then you tell me I can't have a smoke. Shut up.
SERIF
You cannot smoke in heaven
ELIZABETH
It's a bloody good job that's not where I am then isn't it?
GABRIEL
Please, Elizabeth, Please just stop a moment, think about this
ELIZABETH
What?
GABRIEL
What is the last thing you remember before I brought you here?
ELIZABETH
The last thing?
GABRIEL
Yes the very last thing
ELIZABETH
Ok, the very last thing I remember before being manhandled by you was (beat) leaving the pub
GABRIEL
The pub?
ELIZABETH
Yeah the Dog and Duck on Canal Street
SERIF
You were in a pub?
ELIZABETH
Of course I was in a bloody pub
SERIF
Were you collecting?
ELIZABETH
Yes I was collecting
SERIF
Ah, that explains it then
GABRIEL
So you were collecting in the pub and then what?
ELIZABETH
Well I finished and then began to walk home, I took the canal towpath and the went by the church, some people think it's eerie but I quite like it
SERIF
You like the church?
ELIZABETH
Yes. It's quieter apart from the wino's, sometimes I stop and speak to them or sometimes I give em the finger and keep on walking it all depends on how much meths they have had
SERIF
Give them the finger
ELIZABETH
Yeah the finger, so anyway I walked past the church just as all these bible bashers came out and then someone was calling my name "Elizabeth Elizabeth" and I thought it was one of the lads from the pub having a laugh so I followed the sound and then all of a sudden Tarzan here picked me up and whisked me off to here
GABRIEL
You weren't in the church?
ELIZABETH
No
GABRIEL
But you were collecting at the pub?
ELIZABETH
Yeah
GABRIEL
Why were you collecting in the pub if you were not part of the church?
ELIZABETH
It is part of my job, pull pints talk to the punters and collect the glasses
GABRIEL
You are Elizabeth Shoesmith?
ELIZABETH
No, I am Elizabeth Kane
SERIF
Elizabeth Kane?
ELIZABETH
Yes
SERIF
Are you sure?
ELIZABETH
Hold on a minute, have you got a mirror and I will have a look, of course I'm bloody sure
SERIF
Will you excuse us for a moment?
ELIZABETH LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM
SERIF (Cont..)
Gabriel you brought the wrong person
GABRIEL
I don't understand how
FARISHTA
Did you not check who she was before you took her?
GABRIEL
It was dark, I was in the right place, it was a good plan
FARISHTA
Not good enough , Look
ELIZIBETH IS PULLING HER KNICKERS OUT OF HER BUM
GABRIEL
I'm sorry, anyway you couldn't have done any better
FARISHTA
I would have brought the right person
GABRIEL
Not necessarily and anyway you agreed the plan
FARISHTA
I agreed to bringing Elizabeth Shoesmith
GABRIEL
I thought it was Elizabeth Shoesmith
FARISHTA
Well it isn't is it?
SERIF
Enough, What's done is done, you will just have to take her back
GABRIEL
I can't
SERIF
Of course you can, just put her back where you got her from and pick up the right Elizabeth
FARISHTA
You can't do that it is against doctrine
SERIF
Are you sure
FARISHTA
I am the keeper of the rules of heaven and I say she cannot be taken back
ELIZABETH
What are you lot whispering about?
GABRIEL
Hold on a minute, So what do we do?
FARISHTA
She will have to stay
SERIF
Are you sure?
FARISHTA
Yes, until she does something for which we can banish her she will have to stay and carry out the role for which she was mistakenly taken
SERIF
Right then. Elizabeth
ELIZABETH
What?
SERIF
What do you know of heaven?
ELIZABETH
What apart from it doesn't exist?
FARISHTA
Look around you here, Look at the clouds, look above you, feel the floor, have you ever been anywhere like this?
ELIZABETH
I went in a hall of mirrors once
FARISHTA
It is not the same and you know it so stop being so stroppy and tell me have you ever been anywhere like this before?
ELIZABETH
Ok then No
FARISHTA
Then why do you doubt it is heaven?
ELIZABETH
Because I do not believe in heaven and even if I did it would mean I am dead and if I died heaven would be the last place they would allow me, I can't even get in to Harvey Nicks
SERIF
Elizabeth, You have been chosen
ELIZABETH
No Elizabeth Shoehorn has been chosen, I'm just someone else he picked up off the street
SERIF
Nevertheless you are here now and we have to make the best of this so just listen for a moment
ELIZABETH
Ok, I'm going to sit while I listen though, these bloody shoes are killing me
ELIZABETH BEGINS TO REMOVE HER SHOES
GABRIEL
Alright then. Elizabeth I am an Angel, a watcher, a member of the third tier of angels. It is my role to watch humans and to intervene to help them on earth
ELIZABETH
What as in the Arch angel Gabriel?
GABRIEL
Yes
ELIZABETH
Right
FARISHTA
I am Farishta, I am a Dominium angel my role is to manage heaven, I am amongst the second tier of angels
SERIF
And I am Serif, a Seraphin. I am amongst the highest order of Angels. My job is to listen to the word of God and transfer his word to the other orders of angels so that his will can be carried out
ELIZABETH
Oh I get it, so you Serif are like the boss and you Far.. Far.
FARISHTA
Farishta
ELIZABETH
Yes thanks, Farishta you are like the supervisor and you Gabe, Oh Gabe you are the one that does all the work and gets all the grief
GABRIEL
Something like that, Yes
ELIZABETH
Ok then, So if I want to sort this out I need to see god. Where is he?
SERIF
Sorry?
ELIZABETH
Well if this is heaven, where's God? I want to see him
SERIF
God has passed
ELIZABETH
Passed?
GABRIEL
God no longer rules Heaven
ELIZABETH
Well where is he then?
GABRIEL
I suppose you would say God has died
ELIZABETH
God has died? Well isn't that convenient?
SERIF
No it is not Convenient at all. Within Heaven only six beings know of his passing. God ceased to exist just over 100 years ago. Although God could manifest in to any form chosen by itself it was not a being like you or I, God was a consciousness that appeared as a luminous orb. Overtime Gods light faded until eventually it went out completely.
ELIZABETH
So those atheist idiots were right. God is dead?
GABRIEL
Yes but Heaven still exists
SERIF
For the first Twenty Years or so we carried on as before but without Gods guidance decisions were difficult to make and the Human Race began to suffer
GABRIEL
Eventually after what you call World War Two a committee was formed with two members from each tier of Angels
FARISHTA
Two Seraphim's, two Dominions and two watchers. The committee are the only ones who know of Gods passing
SERIF
If word got out that God had passed there would be serious repercussions not only here in heaven but also on earth
ELIZABETH
So why have you brought me here?
SERIF
As a committee there are many things we lack. The Universe is not perfect and neither are we. The thing we lack mostly is a sense of humanity
GABRIEL
Although we feel things that feeling is limited and we have almost no intuition
FARISHTA
We lack awareness
SERIF
We lack the ability to make informed decisions
GABRIEL
And that is why I have brought you here Elizabeth. We need a head for our committee. Someone who can advise us about the decisions needed to help the Human race
ELIZABETH
That is why you wanted to bring Elizabeth whatshername here, not me
SERIF
What's done is done, we cannot change that
ELIZABETH
Am I dead?
GABRIEL
Your earthly body is dead
ELIZABETH
How did I die?
GABRIEL
I gave you an aneurism
ELIZABETH
An aneurism?
GABRIEL
I made your brain explode, sorry
ELIZABETH
There is no way I can go back?
FARISHTA
Your earthly body is gone we cannot return you to it
ELIZABETH
And what if I don't want this?
FARISHTA
You can be reborn with no memory of your previous life
ELIZABETH
Those Buddhists had it right eh? It is not much of a choice is it?
SERIF
We are sorry
ELIZABETH
So you keep telling me, I suppose we had best make the best of it then. Where can I have a shower?
GABRIEL
Oh yes, I will show you to your room
SERIF
We can talk some more later and you can meet the rest of the committee
ELIZABETH
I'm starving as well
GABRIEL
I will arrange for food
SERIF
There is one other thing that cannot wait
ELIZABETH
What?
SERIF
The other members of the committee, they are nervous of having a human in heaven and took much convincing that this was a good idea, if they find that we brought the wrong person they might insist that you are returned
ELIZABETH
As a baby?
SERIFY
es
ELIZABETH
Don't worry I will behave myself
SERIF
Thank you
ELIZABETH
Not for you, I just don't think I could go through puberty again
ELIZABETH AND GABRIEL LEAVE THE STAGE
FARISHTA
I am not sure we need this human
SERIF
We do. We have made a decision. We have to accept the human Gabriel has brought us
FARISHTA
Why?
SERIF
Because God wanted it so
FARISHTA
I only have your word for that Serif
SERIF
Do you doubt Gods will?
FARISHTA
No
SERIF
Good
FARISHTA
But I am not sure of your interpretation
SERIF
God loved humans more than anything, It was his will to see them live on
FARISHTA
Then why did he not tell us before he passed?
SERIF
I do not know, Maybe it was a final test of our worthiness and resolve
FARISHTA
This is going to be a test
SERIF
I understand and share some of your concerns. However it is not our place to abandon the humans. How many of our number would do that if they learned of Gods passing and would stand exiled with Iblis. They would see that there will be no day of judgement for them and that is all the incentive they would need to abandon all that God held dear. They would lose their righteousness. We must not allow that to happen. The human race is in turmoil. We have watched over them for many lifetimes and I will not watch Gods greatest creation disappear. This really is our last hope
FARISHTA
I hope you are wrong
END OF SCENE