EXT. BEACHFRONT - DAY
TOM (7 YEARS OLD) RIDES A DONKEY WITH HIS DAD STEADYING HIM. THEY COME TO THE DONKEY BEACH HUT; PAUL (DONKEY OWNER; NORTHERN) APPEARS.
DAD
We've brought him back in one piece.
PAUL
Don't touch my ass like that!
DAD
Oh, sorry...
PAUL
Only joking; just a bit of donkey humour.
DAD
(SLIGHT EMBARRASSMENT) Oh, ha. 50p wasn't it?
PAUL
Hold your donkeys! Let me check 'im over first.
HE PULLS OUT A CLIPBOARD AND GOES AROUND THE BACK OF THE DONKEY AND STARTS LOOKING IT UP AND DOWN. HE STARTS TICKING THE CLIPBOARD.
DAD
Everything alright?
PAUL
(SUCKS THROUGH HIS TEETH) I don't know what you did with 'im but this is going to set you back a pretty penny.
DAD
Why? It says '50p.
PAUL
Yeah, when people treat 'im properly.
DAD
But he doesn't look any different from when we got him.
PAUL
(SHAKING HEAD) Ha, to the untrained eye maybe.
DAD
But it says...(POINTS TO 50p SIGN)
PAUL
First of all he's got over-clopped haunches.
DAD
What?
PAUL
Your boy's over-clopped his haunches. Look. You can see the damage to his rear fur covering.
DAD STANDS INCREDULOUS.
PAUL
Excessive muzzle wear.
DAD
All we did was pet him!
PAUL
Yeah, excessively! (HE CHECKS DONKEY'S MOUTH) Wear and tear to rearmost molars.
DAD
How can we be blamed for that?
PAUL
Well, he grinds his teeth when he's not enjoying the company.
DAD
This is ridiculous.
PAUL LIFTS DONKEY'S HOOVES.
PAUL
Bloody hell! Where did you take 'im?
DAD
Just along the beach and back; you saw us.
PAUL
It looks like you've been walking 'im in 'ades. Christ, I don't know what you did with the poor bugger but I might have to put 'im down at this rate.
TOM LOOKS LIKE HE IS GOING TO CRY.
DAD
It's alright, he's not really going to...are you?
PAUL
Well, I don't know if he'll make it through the night the way he looks.
DAD
But all we did was...
PAUL COVERS THE DONKEY'S EARS.
PAUL
He doesn't want to relive what you put 'im through! And don't think you're free from blame!
STARES AGGRESSIVELY AT TOM.
DAD
Alright, alright, how much will it cost?
PAUL
From what I can see it'll be about...(CHECKS CLIPBOARD) £256.83.
DAD
What? There's no way I'm paying that much.
PAUL
Right, well I'm going to have to end his suffering.
PAUL GETS OUT A RUSTY KNIFE.
DAD
Christ, there's no need for that.
PAUL
Well, there's no greater love shown than mercy.
DAD
Fine, fine (GETS OUT HIS WALLET) All I've got on me is ten pound.
PAUL
That'll barely pay for his intravenous. What about the kid? Has he got a piggy bank?
DAD
This is all we've got.
PAUL
OK, ok. (HE SNATCHES THE TEN POUND NOTE) Just go. He can't bear to see you anymore. Just leave!
DAD HURRIES OFF WITH TOM. PAUL POCKETS THE MONEY AND LEANS IN TO THE DONKEY.
PAUL
Well done, lad. You played that like a pro.
A MOTHER COMES BACK WITH HER CHILD ON ANOTHER DONKEY.
PAUL
What the f**k have you done to 'im?!
END OF SKETCH
