Royalty Boot Camp

Hey all,

I've been writing for a while now for various shows and I realised I havent got the opinion of my peers, which is a dangerous thing. If you could have a read of this and let us know what ya think it would be greatly appreciated.

ROYALTY BOOT CAMP

An army-style drill instructor is giving instructions to Kate Middleton; who is standing at attention. They are both dressed in stylish military attire.

DRILL:MIDDLETON!

KATE:Yes drill sergeant.

DRILL:Yes, WHO?!?!?!?!

KATE:YES. DRILL. SERGEANT.

DRILL:That's more like it. Now we are mere hours away from you joining the elite of the elite, the Beatles of the bourgeoisie, the lords of the . . . lords. So it is time for a final run through.

KATE:YES. DRILL. SERGEANT.

DRILL:Good. Now first is the obstacle course. I will present you with some physical and situational dilemmas that will plague your tenure as a royal. Firstly, the handshake.

A peasant-type person walks on; hand outstretched. Kate shakes the hand has a huge smile as the peasant continues to walk of stage.

DRILL:Good, I like the sympathy in your teeth. Now the wave.

Kate does the royal wave, with obligatory huge smile, but its abit floppy.

DRILLtiffen that hand, Middleton!!!

Kate's smile slightly falters as she amends the floppy hand.

DRILL:I guess it will do. But how will it fare whilst waving and handshaking . . . SIMUTANIOUSLY!

Peasant walks on again as Kate is smiling and waving. The peasant walks around Kate in a circle shaking hands each time. After the third one Kate stumbles.

DRILLeasant, eject thyself.

Peasant trundles off stage

DRILLammit, Middleton! What the hell happened! These are basic royal skills were running through! Prince Phillip could do this standing on his head. He usually does, come to think of it.

KATE:I'm sorry, Drill Sergeant. Coordination is not my strong suit.

DRILL:You don't say! I've seen better balance in the casting of Midsummer Murders! Well let us move into the spoken word section. It used to be referred to as the oral section, but Prince Andrew put an end to that.

Kate straightens herself up.

DRILL:I will pose some scenarios to you and you respond accordingly to the script you were given. Scenario One: You are in press conference in Australia, you are asked about colonialism and why the Australians should continue to be part of the empire when they are seen as a world force of their own and could survive quite comfortably as an independent state.

KATE:'Why bother, you already know 'God Save The Queen', what's the point of learning something else. Plus you are all former convicts so you should be subservient to us anyway.'

DRILL:First part good, second part awful. If you must insult the Australians please refer to Jason Donovan. Or if that does not get the desired effect, Steve Irwin.

Kate nods affirmatively.

DRILL:A mother on welfare complains to you about the poor state of her finances due to government crackdown on single working class parents.

KATE:I fully understand your predicament. I mean, in our family budget of £41.5 million we only managed to spend £400,000 on wine and spirits. Outrage doesn't recognise class it seems.

DRILL:Nice. Finally, an anarchist student interrupts a personal appearance and throws a copy of the Magna Carta at you. Then they shout that the royal family are nothing but a collection of unelected, inbred, out of touch, imperialist, aristocratic, ironically-appreciated, work-shy, sympathy-shy, tear-inducing, twat-producing twats.

KATE:Erm . . . line?

Hi Philip welcome to the site.

I enjoyed this

A very nice idea with some great lines (particularly the Prine Andrew line). I don't actually understand the punch though? Am I being thick.

IMHO I think it could be funnier if it was Prince Charles instructing her instead of a soldier.

Hi Will Cam,

Thanks for the positive words.

The punch was basically the drill sergaent throwing a curve-ball question completely ripping into the royals and which, was not in the script Kate was given earlier, and asking for her honest answer, and she didnt have one to defend the royals (of being unelected, twat-producing twats etc).

I never thought about Prince Charles being in it actually, but I kind of saw the drill sergaent as someone who is kinda-perfect, and he is constantly disappointed that the royals messing it up after their training from him, if I'm being honest I don't think Charles would be the best candidate to be a model royal, so I thought it would be funny if they were all given a crash course in being royal, then f**k it up themselves in their own special ways.

I really appreciate your feedback though.

I felt the same as Will; I think the last line could do with clarifying things a bit better. Other than that a good sketch, have you sent it to/had it performed by Newsrevue?

I did send this and a few other things, and they send me emails asking for sketches on various subjects, so I think I'm added to a list of sorts.

I live in Manchester which is a pain because I also write for the treason show in Brighton and I can't get down there too often to see my stuff.

Cheers for the feedback, I get what you mean bout the ending, it's good to see it through another writers eyes.

I understood your punch line and laughed at it, but that's maybe because I do a bit of acting. I suppose people in general don't know that's what you shout when you need a prompt.

Hi keewik, I wrote this to be performed on stage,that's one of the reasons I put that ending on it.