Hello
I have decided to post my 15 min sitcom on the forum. Naturally I would rather not have something I created up for criticism but seen as how I didn't get through I reckon this is a good way to get some feed back and turn this into a learning curve. So hope you enjoy!
LIFE AND LIFE ONLY
Characters
Noah- Self loathing, insecure,
Rufus- Self confident, Sexual pest
Toby- unlucky, calm, a little slow
The Episode
Rufus and Toby take Noah on a camping weekend to help him
get over his break up.
ACT I
Scene 1
Campsite: Outside a tent. Three chairs
Noah and Toby are sat outside their tent holding a
drink. Rufus then walks on stage
RUFUS
Hey, tents looking good
NOAH
Yea thanks for the help
Rufus grabs a drink then sits down next to Toby.
RUFUS
Any way, have you explained it to him yet?
NOAH
I did but I'm not completely sure he understands
TOBY
I get it, lets just get started
RUFUS
OK, I'll start. Cool Bummings
NOAH
Pube fiction
TOBY
Blow
NOAH
You can't have Blow
RUFUS
Did you listen to anything Noah was saying
TOBY
yea It's just a complex game
NOAH
It really isn't, remember you have to actually change
the films name
RUFUS
Take a drink
Toby drinks
RUFUS
OK, In A Few Good Men
NOAH
Edward Scissor Tranny
TOBY
Jaws
Noah and Rufus let out a sigh
NOAH
How is Jaws any different to Blow?
TOBY
Wells it's not about a cocaine snorting great white
shark is it?
RUFUS
Just change the name of a film to turn it into it's
porn equivalent
NOAH
Look Toby, "Lock Jaws" for instance is acceptable
RUFUS
Or you could have had "Blow J"
TOBY
Right I get it now, You know when you explain it
clearly it's really very simple
RUFUS
OK, Something about Hairy
NOAH
Hard Gays Night
TOBY
ET Extra Testicle
RUFUS
Sliding whores
NOAH
A Cock In Lips Now
TOBY
WILL-E
RUFUS
Mary Cock In's
NOAH
Cast-A-Gay
TOBY
Lovely Boner
RUFUS
In Wife Of Brian
NOAH
Cock Block And Two Smoking Barrels
TOBY
Scary Booby
RUFUS
Karate Tits
NOAH
Some Like It Big
TOBY
Barely Legally Blond
RUFUS
Thrush Hour
NOAH
The Cook, The Thief His Wife And The Milkman
TOBY
Monty's Python In Hollies Grail
RUFUS
Big Boobs And Broomsticks
NOAH
Homo Wood Bound
TOBY
Sex Toy Story
RUFUS
28 Guys Later
NOAH
Two Fast Bi Curious
TOBY
The Good, The Bad And Your Uncle
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 5.
RUFUS
Frisky Business
NOAH
The Fantastic foursome
TOBY
In Heat
RUFUS
In-Glory-Hole Bastards
NOAH
Finding Nympho
TOBY
P.S I'll Bang You
RUFUS
Mid summers Wet Dream
NOAH
Babe, Quicky In The City
TOBY
The Longest Inch
RUFUS
Last Hand Job In Paris
NOAH
Me Myself And Irene And A Camera
TOBY
Spanking Miss Daisy
RUFUS
James Bondage
TOBY
No way, that's a character not a film
RUFUS
OK OK I'm drinking
Rufus takes a drink. Noah gets out his phone and
looks at it.
RUFUS
You better not be texting who I think your texting
Noah sighs then places the phone back in his
pocket.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 6.
RUFUS
Noah, the whole point of this camping trip is to help
you get over that cheating pile of lime disease
NOAH
I know
TOBY
How come you and Lia broke up?
NOAH
Well many reasons really its hard to just pin point one
TOBY
If you had to?
NOAH
Well lets just say she wanted to experiment sexually
TOBY
That sounds great
RUFUS
It wasn't with Noah though
TOBY
Oh, who was it with then?
NOAH
You know the local football team
TOBY
Yea, which one?
NOAH
The team
TOBY
Oh, the whole team?
RUFUS
And a linesman
NOAH
At least one
TOBY
On the plus side they say you lose like 120 calories
when you have sex, so she must of lost like... one
thousand three hundred and twenty calories or four
hundred and forty if you count the linesman
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 7.
RUFUS
Plus her skin has never looked so healthy
NOAH
Well thanks for putting things in perspective for me
guys
RUFUS
Look Noah lighten up, we're half way through our first
year at uni, being single is the only way to do it
NOAH
I guess
RUFUS
And the best way to get over a girl is with a girl,
lets head into the village and seduce you some local
girls
NOAH
By "seduce" I'm guessing you mean terrorize
RUFUS
It's a thin line
NOAH
OK, I just need to make a quick phone call first. Don't
worry it's not to Lia
Noah walks to the side of the stage
TOBY
Hey Rufus, My dads on the football team
NOAH
(On phone)
Hey Lia its Noah, just realized its gone to voice mail
because your at your uncles party. Anyway I just called
to say I'm still thinking of you and I'm still in love
with you and I was thinking when I get back maybe we
talk about getting back together. Well let me know when
you get this message, bye
Noah hangs up the phone then appears deep in
thought before re-dialing
NOAH
(On Phone)
Hi me again, I instantly regretted everything I just
said so just go ahead and forget that message. Or
listen to it again but just presume that I feel the
exact opposite to what I said, OK. Have fun at your
uncles funeral bye
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 8.
Rufus and Toby walk over
RUFUS
Pub?
NOAH
definitely
Toby, Rufus and Noah exit stage
9.
ACT 2
Scene 2
Pub: Table and four chairs are positioned just off
center stage.
Noah, Rufus and Toby are stood up holding a drink.
Noah is looking miserable and checks his phone
again.
RUFUS
Noah you really need to cheer up and forget about Lia.
Your single now, that's a great gift
TOBY
Yea, I mean look at me and Rufus, two single guys with
some messed up relationships behind us but we've never
been happier
RUFUS
That's right
NOAH
You've never once mentioned having a girlfriend
RUFUS
I've never had one, I find it hard to let any one get
too close
TOBY
That's because you lie and cheat
RUFUS
Look, me lying and cheating is just like a metaphorical
arm pushing girls away who get to close
TOBY
It's more like a metaphorical punch in the face
NOAH
And what messed up relationship are you talking about?
TOBY
Debbie
NOAH
I don't remember a Debbie
TOBY
Blond, blue eyes, kinda big
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 10.
NOAH
How big?
TOBY
Pretty big, lets just say I couldn't see her living
into her forties
NOAH
So what was the problem?
TOBY
She was 39
NOAH
That's pretty old
RUFUS
Guys! We didn't come on a camping trip to work out who
the most pathetic one is
NOAH
Toby
TOBY
Noah
RUFUS
Toby
Toby hangs his head. Two girls walk on stage
wearing heavy make up and high heels. They are
each holding a drink. They sit down at the table.
RUFUS
Guys twelve o'clock
Noah turns around to see the girls while Toby
looks at his watch.
NOAH
You've got to be kidding?
TOBY
I know, their gorgeous
RUFUS
Noah this is no time to be fussy
NOAH
I'm not being fussy
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 11.
RUFUS
Then go and talk to them
NOAH
No
TOBY
Why not you scared?
NOAH
Of course I'm scared, it's an instinctive fear, in the
same way that the antelope is scared of the lion. Years
of evolution tell the antelope to be scared of the lion
just like years of evolution have made me scared of
women like that
TOBY
Why?
NOAH
Because they'll kill me
RUFUS
That maybe so but you don't need to worry because
you've got me, and I'm like... what is it that lions
are scared of?
TOBY
I guess "man" is their only enemy
RUFUS
Right, so just pretend I'm a man
NOAH
I'll try
RUFUS
If natures taught us anything it's that nature favors
the creatures with man on its side, even the stupid
ones
TOBY
That's true, I mean look how stupid dogs are, they
wouldn't last five minutes without humans on this
planet. They would probably get hit by a bus or
something
NOAH
Guys I've been with the same girl for four years. I
wouldn't last five minutes amongst the lions, I've been
institutionalized
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 12.
RUFUS
Noah you need to bite the hand that feeds you, jump the
gate and scare the villagers
NOAH
I'm pretty sure those animals are shot. Anyway what
would I say?
RUFUS
I've got it, what you do is wonder over, pick up her
drink from the table then down it. Then you say "looks
like you girls need a drink, what can I get you"
NOAH
Every instinct in my body is telling me to ignore
everything you say about women
TOBY
I'll do it
RUFUS
Really?
TOBY
Yea, whats the worst that can happen
Toby looks at the girls then back at Noah and
Rufus
TOBY
I wish I hadn't said that
Toby slowly moves towards the girls, encouraged by
Rufus and Noah.
NOAH
He really shouldn't have said "whats the worst that can
happen"
Toby reaches the girls and picks up a drink on
the table then drinks it. The girls watch in
shock.
TOBY
Well it looks like you girls could do with another...
The girls swiftly stand up
SUZIE
(Angrily and intimidating)
What the hell did you just do! You've got about five
minutes to produce a doctors note explaining your
serious lack of intelligence or there is going to be
trouble
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 13.
TOBY
I'm sorry I...
LAURA
You must think we look like a right bunch of muppets if
you think that cheap line is going to work on us
TOBY
No I swear I don't think your muppets at all
SUZIE
Oh so you actually think we are a couple of tarts that
don't need a good chat up line because we are just that
easy
TOBY
I'm sorry I just thought you where pretty
SUZIE
I don't care if you thought we where your mum and dad,
don't come over!
Toby is almost in tears. Noah and Rufus walk over
standing behind the girls.
NOAH
Everything OK?
LAURA
No, this creep thought he could just pick us up by
pulling a cheap trick to buy us a drink
RUFUS
The sick bastard was probably going to drug you as well
Rufus puts his arm around Suzie
SUZIE
Oh my god, you creep!
TOBY
I wasn't going to drug you
Suzie then takes out her phone and takes a picture
of Toby.
TOBY
What are you doing?
SUZIE
A friend of mine got her drink spiked a couple months
ago, my guess is she'll recognize you mate
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 14.
TOBY
I'm not a rapist
RUFUS
No one said rapist mate
Toby starts sobbing.
NOAH
Look why don't we sit down, relax and let "Jack the
Ripper" over here buy us a drink
LAURA
Do you think that's a good idea considering he was
going to drug us?
RUFUS
Its fine, perverts never strike the same place twice
LAURA
I thought that was lightning?
RUFUS
I think it applies to anything that flashes
SUZIE
Lets not risk it. Now listen up "Roman Polanski", if I
ever see you again I'll rip your face off, now scram
Toby runs off stage. Rufus, Noah, Suzie and Laura
sit down.
LAURA
I'm Laura and this is Suzie
NOAH
I'm Noah
RUFUS
Rufus
SUZIE
So apart from saving young girls from sex pests what is
it you guys do?
NOAH
nothing exciting were just...
RUFUS
...soldiers
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 15.
SUZIE
Wow, what kind of soldiers?
RUFUS
ermm... stormtroopers
SUZIE
Cool, nothing sexier then a soldier, have you seen any
action?
RUFUS
Oh yea I've toured all over the middle east, Iraq,
Afghanistan, Portugal ermmm...
NOAH
Endor
RUFUS
Yea Endor, but I'm no wookie
Rufus and Noah laugh but the girls let out a
confused fake chuckle
LAURA
Impressive
NOAH
I'm not actually a soldier I'm a novelist
LAURA
wow
RUFUS
He's going to be a famous author one day. Tell them
about the book your writing
NOAH
Oh no, it's not finished yet
SUSIE
Go on, whats it about?
NOAH
Well the book addresses the death of colonel Gaddafi,
looking at how a country copes with the death of a
dictator both socially and spiritually
SUZIE
Blimey, powerful stuff
LAURA
I though colonel Gaddafi was still alive?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 16.
NOAH
Well I did say it wasn't finished
RUFUS
What about you girls?
SUSIE
We work at the local abattoir
RUFUS
Wow, that's pretty specialist you guys must make a
killing?
LAURA
Yea but the moneys rubbish
SUSIE
So you guys are obviously not local, so what bring you
here?
RUFUS
We'll Noah here just broke up with his girlfriend
LAURA
Aw why did you and your ex brake up?
NOAH
Well many reasons really it's hard to just pin point
one
LAURA
If you had to?
NOAH
Well I won't go into detail but imagine you owned a cow
and that cow made a promise to you that only you would
be allowed to kill that cow. Now imagine an entire
football team had sex with that cow
RUFUS
And a linesman
NOAH
Yea and at least one linesman
LAURA
The same thing happened to me
Noah and Rufus act confused and surprised.
NOAH
In what way did that happen to you?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 17.
LAURA
I caught my ex having sex with a cow
SUSIE
And my ex was a footballer, so we know what your going
through
NOAH
Good, as long as we can all relate
SUSIE
(Seductively)
You know there's nothing happening here, why don't we
head back to your place?
RUFUS
We've just pitched a tent
LAURA
Blimey you boys are keen
Noah and Rufus exchange a look. Everyone exits
stage.
18.
ACT 3
Scene 3
Camp site: Outside tent. No other props
Rufus, Noah, Laura and Suzie enter.
UFUS
Here we are, this one is ours
LAURA
Just the one tent?
RUFUS
Yea I'm afraid we will have to share if that's OK?
The girls look at each other.
LAURA
I guess that's ok
Everyone goes to enter the tent.
NOAH
Wait a minute, don't you think we should work out some
ground rules first?
SUSIE
Like what?
NOAH
Well what ever you girls want to do I think I'll back
you one hundred percent but I think me and Rufus should
work out some gentleman agreements
RUFUS
Like?
NOAH
Well for starters no eye contact
RUFUS
What if I need to signal something?
NOAH
Stick your hand up
RUFUS
How would you see that?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 19.
NOAH
Set a flare off for all I care just don't look at me.
And no touching
RUFUS
What about high fives?
NOAH
Wont that just cheapen and degrade the girls?
RUFUS
Why don't we all high five? That way its more of a team
event, like we are all in this together
NOAH
Could be a good way to bond
SUSIE
We really don't care, can we please just get on with
it?
LAURA
Yea all these rules are really boring
NOAH
Almost done. Can we keep noise down to a minimum?
RUFUS
What if I want to call out Laurens name
LAURA
My name is Laura
SUZIE
So your not going to make any noise?
NOAH
No, During sex I act the same way I would at an art
gallery. I'm quiet, Have a good look round and pray to
God no one asks me any questions that reveal how little
I in fact know
SUZIE
Lucky me
LAURA
So we done?
NOAH
Yea I think so
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 20.
RUFUS
Right, let the orgy begin!
LAURA
No way is this an orgy
NOAH
Yea I'm with the girls on this one
RUFUS
So what is it?
SUZIE
Foursome?
RUFUS
What the hell is the difference between a foursome and
an orgy?
NOAH
Rufus has a point, they both conjure up images of a
free for all
RUFUS
The key question is are we swapping partners?
LAURA
No
SUZIE
(At same time as Laura)
Yes, no offence Noah
NOAH
None taken
LAURA
Its two independent couples in close proximity
NOAH
Good, so we just stick with who we got
LAURA
Yea, so Rufus your with me and Noah you're with my
sister
NOAH
Sister?
SUZIE
Yea can't you tell?
Noah and Rufus take a step back and look at the
girls
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 21.
NOAH
Oh yea there it is, excuse us
Noah and Rufus walk to the other side of the
stage.
NOAH
What do we do?
RUFUS
I don't know. On the one hand two sisters is the
ultimate fantasy but for some reason it feels creepy
NOAH
It is creepy, now you see how important those rules
where?
RUFUS
Yea
NOAH
I'll go tell them it's off
RUFUS
Wait, look they don't find it weird. I say we soldier
on
NOAH
It is what a stormtroopers would do
RUFUS
I'll tell you what, we go through with it but the
moment it gets weird shout "Belgium waffle" and that's
the signal to abort entry... or exit
NOAH
OK but the moment it gets weird I'm out of there
Noah and Rufus return to the girls
SUZIE
You guys worked all your rules out?
RUFUS
Sure have
NOAH
Unless you girls have any?
SUZIE
(suductively)
The only thing you need to know is that we like our sex
how we like our jam
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 22.
NOAH
In bread?
The girls look offended.
LAURA
You know what lets just get this over and done with
All four enter the tent.
NOAH
Belgium waffle
RUFUS
(At the same time as Noah)
Belgium waffle
All four exit the tent. Rufus and Noah look
ashamed as the girls walk off.
As they do Toby enters the stage.
SUSIE
Oh my god! You followed us you creep!
Susie and Laura start smacking Toby with their
handbags as they exit the stage. Toby approaches
Rufus and Noah.
TOBY
Those girls are psycho's
NOAH
You have no idea?
RUFUS
They wanted an orgy
TOBY
And they call me the pervert. So it didn't happen then?
NOAH
No I don't think they're the girls for us. Plus I was
not mentally prepared for seeing my best friends erect
penis
RUFUS
There was something soul destroying about that
TOBY
You know you have to admire that football team that
nailed your girlfriend. Imagine seeing eleven of those
bad boys
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 23.
NOAH
And a linesmen
RUFUS
At least one
TOBY
Shall we retire?
Rufus, Toby and Noah make their way into the tent.
RUFUS
OK famous songs
TOBY
Welcome to a fumble
RUFUS
I wanna hold your cans
NOAH
Knocking on Helen's back door
Curtain down
