Law Disorder

UPDATED!!

I figure I'll simply edit this post with new scenes as them come along, rather than split it up between posts.

So here's the first four scenes of my comedy. More to come!

(Just a bit of background on the show)

"LAW DISORDER"

LOGLINE:

A comedy that follows the downfall of the life of a new intern to a corrupt law firm where the boss is charged with insurance fraud, two wanna-be FBI agents are following close behind, and a sly documentary company is determined to get a good story no matter what it takes.
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CHARACTERS/CHARACTER QUALITIES:

Chase
(The Intern)
Age 21-24
A happy, spirited, excited fellow from a small town in Kansas with many expectations of New York City.

Colin Pershing
(The Boss)
Age 40-50
A troubled soul, very awkward. Is always trying his hardest to impress people. Very sly. Using mostly bribes, he always gets what he wants from people.

Mason: Jonathan Charles
(A Wanna-be Undercover Agent)
Age 35-40
An undercover federal agent posing as a lawyer in an attempt to indict Colin. Thinks he’s great at what he does, even though he has proven to himself again and again that his thoughts are untrue.

Fletcher Wright: Nathan Emmerson
(The Other Wanna-be Undercover Agent)
Age 35-40
Mason's partner. A little more kind and less suspicious than Mason. Very sarcastic. Realizes that Mason and himself are not the best people for the job.

Oz
(The Real Lawyer)
Age 30-35
A do-gooder. Very smart. The only good lawyer in the firm. Eager to prove himself to Colin.

Jennifer Gaillaway
(The Intern’s Girlfriend)
Age 20-22
Jealous. Confused. Lost. Worried. Loyal. Smart. Caring.

Harry Johnson
(The Documentary’s Producers)
Age 40-45
Your average suit-and-tie. Very proper. Very professional. Maybe even a little too much. Self-conscious about his name.
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INT. TRAIN - DAY 1

Scene opens close up on Chase only, sitting in his small, economy-class sized seat with a briefcase on his lap and a smile on his face.

CHASE
(To woman next to him)
Pretty exciting, isn't it?

Shot widens to show an elderly woman dressed in black, wiping her eyes, clearly returning home from a funeral.

WOMAN
(In tears)
I'm sorry?

CHASE
You know. Starting over. Finally getting your life on track.

The woman stares in his eyes in confusion and hurt.

CHASE (CON'T)
Not to say it wasn't good before. I mean, let's be honest, you can never forget what you learned from all the sweet, kind, loving memories...

The woman bursts into a loud cry.

CHASE (CON'T)
Memories that taught you so much. In fact, maybe those memories will be the best thing you have. Starting new might not turn out right. The world is a scary place.You may only crumble under it's pressure and the insecurities it places on you.

WOMAN
(Tries to pull herself together)
I-I just don't understand...

CHASE (INTERRUPTS)
Having everything and losing it all. You just have to take a chance, don't you? We have to take a chance!

WOMAN
He was such a good man! He was! I can never forget. How could I?

Chase stares at the woman in confusion.

CHASE
What?

WOMAN
My husband. I could never forget him and how dare you have no heart and care for an old woman left all alone!

She hits Chase with her handbag.

CHASE
Oh, no! No, no, no! I'm so sorry, miss. I had no idea. I was speaking generally. I'm taking a new job here in New York and I was only thinking out loud. I am so sorry. I should have been more sensitive.

WOMAN
(Smiles and wipes her eyes)
Oh, darling. It's alright. I guess I'm just being a little over-sensitive about the whole thing.

CHASE
Well, again, I'm very sorry.

The woman pats him on the shoulder and smiles.

A beat.

CHASE
Then again, out with the old, in with the new - I always say. (He laughs)

The woman begins to cry louder again.

CONDUCTOR (V.O.)
73rd and Broadway. 73rd and Broadway.

CHASE
Oh...alright...this is my...stop... (He pats her on the back) So I'm going to...that was a joke, by the way...definitely was a-um...a joke...

Chase gets up awkwardly and slowly moves away from the saddened woman and out of shot.

INt. PERSHING LAW OFFICE RECEPTION - DAY 1

CHASE runs into the revolving door, but forgets his "stop". He continues around in the door while others try to enter and exit. He begins to trip and fall inside his small section of the door.

CHASE
(Still spiraling in the door)
Sorry! Sorry everybody. I'm new to this whole--

A woman leaving the office is hit in the face with the door and falls to the ground.

CHASE (CON'T)
(Tries to help the woman when he can manage)
Oo! Ouch! I am so sorry!

Chase finally manages to squeeze his way out of the door. He runs to the receptionists desk. His hair messy, his tie half-done. The receptionist is wearing only designer clothes, chewing gum, and twirling her, most-likely recently cut $500.00 hair.

RECEPTIONIST
(Sounding as uninterested as possible)
Can I help you?

CHASE
Yes! Hello! Hi-hello. My name is Chase Williams. I have a meeting with Mr. Pershing.

RECEPTIONIST
(Looking through records)
Pershing...Pershing...

CHASE
Colin Pershing...

RECEPTIONIST
No, no. I'm sorry. No Colin Pershing here.

CHASE
But...

The shot widens to show a large logo behind the receptionist that reads: "COLIN PERSHING LAW". Chase awkwardly points to the logo.

INT. COLIN'S OFFICE - DAY 1

Knock on the door.

COLIN (O.S.)
Come in.

CHASE enters. COLIN is sitting at his desk.

CHASE
Mr. Pershing?

COLIN
Yes! Hello, my boy. How are you doing?

CHASE
Very well, Mr. Pershing. Thank you for this opportunity! Thank you so much! I have been working so hard on doing something like this and I am just so thankful that--

COLIN (INTERRUPTS)

Don't even mention it and please, call me Colin.

CHASE

Well, just...thank you, Mr.--Colin

COLIN
No worries. Shall we get you set up, then?

Colin gets up out of his seat.

CHASE
Oh! (Jumps out of his seat) Already? Awesome! I-I mean, (Clears throat and matures) of course. Yes.

COLIN
(Laughs)
Alright. Just wait for me outside the door?

CHASE
(All smiles)
Alright.

Chase exits. Colin returns to his seat and stares blankly into the room. He then reaches over to his phone and holds down the intercom button.

COLIN
Janet?

JANET (V.O.)
Yes?

COLIN
Who the hell was that?

INT. PERSHING LAW OFFICE - DAY 1

CHASE stands outside Colins office, smiling and saying hello to every person that passes his way.

COLIN enters.

COLIN
Chase! Chase Williams. Chase Williams of Clearwater, Kansas. (He Laughs) U.S.A. Parents...Jim and Kathy Williams.

CHASE
Wow. How did you know--

COLIN (INTERRUPTS)
Well, Chase, my friend, (Puts his arms around Chase) I really just like to know my workers. You know...really...KNOW them.

Chase glares at Colin in a bit of fright.

A beat.

COLIN (CON'T)
Shall we?

Colin and Chase walk out of shot.

Hello Luke and welcome

I really enjoyed this. I thought that the writing was slick and it has the American style stamped all over it.

I could have done with more to look at but if that scene is anything to go by then I think you're onto something.

I assume from your synopsis at the start that this is either a one-off or film script rather than a sitcom. Am I correct?

Very good.

This is a great start Luke, except you don't need so much dialogue.

Chase saying how great it is to be starting over is all you need with the camera pulling back to show the woman in mourning. Then cut to your nwxt scene. The audience will get the joke very quickly.

I think that scenes can certainly be prolonged to the overall determent of the piece but I don't think that this is the case here.

As Godot says, the joke could be well made by a brief one line and cut and people would certainly get it, but in this case I think how you have handled it, by making each bit of Chase's dialogue compound the misery / agony /pathos and dig the hole deeper is just right and gets three or four laughs as opposed to one big one.

I enjoyed the opening between Chase and the woman. It gave me a real picture of his character, plus I thought it was an original way to begin.

This is really well written and I was instantly drawn in.

Looking forward to more.

Thank you all so much. This is the first time I've ever shown my work to anyone outside of family and close friends.

I'll be sure to post more very soon.

Also, to answer your question Blenkinsop, this is actually a sitcom. Yes, a bit overly complicated for one, but I've managed to create 13 episode plots already, the last one leaving it with a bit of a cliff-hanger.

I'm just very tired of the non-complex sitcom...why not try something rediculous?

Hi Luke

Fair play to you and I look forward to seeing more.

B

Luke

Again enjoyable but I'd maybe look at the scene with the receptionist.

I haven't watched much of Ugly Betty but did tune into the opening episode (victim of the media hype here in the UK) and Chase's encounter with the receptionist was a bit too close to Betty's first day IMO.

I think with something so high profile as UB then you need to steer clear of potential comparisons

Maybe post a longer chunk as it's a bit tricky to form an overall view with what are essentially small snippets.

But I am enjoying this and like your style.

I've actually never seen Ugly Betty, so thank you very much for pointing it out.

I'll see what I can do.

Yeah it's always a tricky one this.

As you never saw UB then you don't know but the reader (in this case me but could equally be a commissioning editor) will inevitably make the leap in his / her mind's eye and although this is not fair to you it is nevertheless the way it goes.

I once had a whole script turned down despite being asked for it to be sent to a production company, because in the interim something that I hadn't seen but that was vaguely similar was doing the rounds.

For your information, the similarity between yours an UB is merely the fact that everyone in the ad agency where she starts working is perceived on her first day as impossibly rich, beautiful and sophisticated.

But I still think your show is good and would like to see more. This is a minor point really.

Thank you very much. Fortunately (in a strange way), the whole "everyone but me is so rich and beautiful and sophisticated" stereotype in American telivision happens very often.

If that's the only similarity between that short scene and Ugly Betty, then I feel much more relaxed. Thank you for the clearification.

Hi Luke. Good to have you on board. I'm sure it we'll all be able to exchange useful tips and contacts from across the 'pond'. This is comedy drama (I've written a comedy drama myself)and the plot develops in an amusing way. It needs to speed up a lot though, especially if it is the opening scene.

Thank you, Fred.

This actually is not a comedy-drama. I know it definitely sounds like one. This a straight-out comedy...just with a dramatic plot, I suppose.

As for the rest, I simply edited my first post to contain all scenes. I'll just edit that post every now and then with the new material I write.