FADE IN:
INT/EXT.CAR. MORNING.
PAUL, MID FORTY'S STUBBORN WORKING CLASS YORKSHIRE MAN, JOEY A NAÏVE NOT SO BRIGHT CHAVY TWENTY SEVEN YEAR OLD DRIVING INSTRUCTOR APPRENTICE AND MICHAEL, A LATE TWENTIES, LAID BACK SARCASTIC DRIVING INSTRUCTOR APPRENTICE ARE DRIVING AT HIGH SPEED IN A LEARNER DRIVER CAR, PAUL AND JOEY ARE SINGING AT THE TOP OF THEIR VOICES TO A GENERIC HIP HOP SONG. THE CAR SLOWS DOWN AT THE SIDE OF AN OLD AGE PENSIONER FEMALE PEDESTRIAN CARRYING A LOT OF HEAVY BAGS.
PAUL:
Old lady with lots of bags!
JOEY:
Banging!
MICHAEL:
Jesus.
THEY SPEED INTO MORLEY DRIVER LEARNER CENTRE AND SLAM ON THE BRAKES.
MICHAEL:
Well that would have been a fail.
JOEY: (In a thick gangsta-wannabe accent)
Proper good dat tune init. Up there wid Bad Romance by Gaga. Had you ever had a bad romance P Dogg?
MICHAEL:
Of course he has. Just ask his ex-wife. I'm sure she'll fill you in.
PAUL:
Mr Sarcastic has popped up again. You'll feel the pain one day my lad.
MICHAEL:
Will I?
PAUL:
Yeah cos I'll brake ya arms if ya carry on.
JOEY:
(Chanting) Jerry! Jerry!
PAUL: (Serious)
Right me boys. We all know what today is?
JOEY:
Pancake Day init!
PAUL:
Yeah alright, it's Pancake Day. What else ya wholly?
JOEY: (Confused)
Easter?
MICHAEL:
You absolute...
PAUL:
Narr J, it's not Easter. Although, if I'd bin resurrected after three days dead, then I would prefer a pancake to a chocolate egg.
...Din't ya get the memo?
JOEY 
Excited)
What's a memo?
PAUL:
About what's happening today lad! I e-mailed ya a memo. Did you get it?
JOEY:
How do I 'Get it'?
PAUL:
Use ya computer!
JOEY:
I don't have da comp no more. Swapped it for two brake discs and some engine oil init.
MICHAEL: (Sarcastically)
All you need now is a car.
PAUL: (To Joey)
Why did ya say, send it me in an e-mail then lad?
JOEY:
Yeah, I gave you my Nan's e-mail.
PAUL: (Panicked)
So I've been e-mailing ya Nan? Oh right ...oh! Oh! Crap! Er...right ya need tell her not to open a link to a site called Stud horses and Thai girls from someone called drivebyslasher69. It's horrible.
MICHAEL: (Disapprovingly)
What have you been up to?
PAUL: (Panicked)
Hopefully with her bad eye sight she'll just think it's an episode of Animals do the funniest things', or...
MICHAEL:
All creatures great and small? Just great in this case.
PAUL: (Panicked)
Or...
MICHAEL:
Vets in practice? Could look like a vet with his sleeves rolled up helping a small pregnant shaved sheep give birth?
JOEY:
Old re-runs of Batman? Or Superman? X-Men's like proper good init. Have you seen Homes under da Hammer...?
PAUL: (Abruptly)
It's probably easier if she's just passed away in her sleep! Goes to bed and that's that. Done. Dead. Stone cold dead. Toast. Cold harsh toast. No harm done then.
(Pause)
(To Joey) Ya look like you're gonna to cry lad. Boy's dun't cry. I ain't cried since I was born, and then all I needed wa a nipple.
MICHAEL:
So wrong.
PAUL:
Anyway, today is judgement hour...day, the memo wa about the meeting with the investors.
(Pause)
...we need to put on a show, a show that says that by letting this place close down, not only are ya killing us, but you're also killing a handful of innocent learner kids, somehow. We need to connect the closure of the driving centre, to mass killing of children, women, Nan's, or something as equally shocking.
Ok, hands out! Ready? Get ya hand in MI key my boy.
ALL OF THEM PLACE THEIR HANDS ON TOP OF EACH OTHER, MICHAEL IS LESS ENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT IT AND DOESN'T JOIN IN WITH THEIR CHANT.
PAUL/JOEY:
Feel the rhythm! Feel the rhyme! Buckle up, it's driving time! COOL RUNNINGS!
PAUL AND JOEY CHEER AND GEAR THEMSELVES UP, THEN ALL EXIT THE CAR. JOEY AND MICHAEL RUN AHEAD.
INT. RECEPTION. MORNING
PAUL STROLLS INTO A SMALL BASIC RUN-DOWN RECEPTION. THERE ARE A NUMBER OF LEARNERS WAITING TO TAKE THEIR TESTS. THE RECEPTIONIST, MANDIE, SLIGHTLY GEEKY LOOKING WITH MATTED HAIR AND GLASSES TWENTY SOMETHING IS INTENSELY READING A TRASHY MAGAZINE. CARL READS THE FRONT COVER ALOUD.
PAUL:
'Woman kills lover for a packed lunch'. He better have had a foot long Subway sarnie in there, ya wouldn't commit any kinda murder for cheap square white bread.
What would drive you to kill our Mandie?
MANDIE:
Probably if I lived in a world like Mad Max. All they know is death and guns. Bang! Bang! (Sings and performs, loudly) He shot me down, band bang, my baby shot me down. (Pretends to get shot in the head) I should be a singer.
PAUL:
Yeah I can see ya on the cover of all them fancy glitzy mags. (Points to her face) Still some stuff to mend first like...slanted a bit there.
PAUL STARTS TO WALK OVER TO THE WAITING LEARNER DRIVERS.
MANDIE: (Pleased)
Do you really see me doing that?
PAUL: (To himself)
Narr.
MANDIE IS NOW IN A BUOYANT MOOD AND STARTS TO SING AND DANCE IN THE BACKGROUND. PAUL GOES AND STANDS IN THE WAITING AREA. ON THE WALL IS AN EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH CALENDAR POSTER WITH HIS MUG SHOT IN FEBRUARY AND APRIL. HE LEANS RIGHT NEXT TO HIS PICTURE AND TAPS A BOY ON THE SHOULDER.
PAUL: (Plays it cool)
Dun't know what happened in March. Drunk probably.
THE YOUNG MAN JUST TURNS BACK TO HIS MAGAZINE AND IGNORES HIM. PAUL ADDRESSES THE REST OF THE WAITING AREA LIKE HE OWNS THE PLACE.
PAUL:
First rule of drive club! (Laughs)
PAUL WALKS OVER TO MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN WHO IS NERVOUSLY SCANNING THE DRIVING HIGHWAY CODE HANDBOOK. HE TAKES THE BOOK AND THROWS IT OVER HIS SHOULDER, IT HITS A YOUNG GIRL WALKING TO HER SEAT.
WOMAN: (Shocked)
What are you doing!?
PAUL:
Releasing ya.
PAUL CROUCHES THEN GOES TO TOUCH HER HEART BUT HIS HAND IS QUICKLY AND ANGRILY BATTERED AWAY. PAUL SCANS THE AREA TO SEE IF ANYONE SAW HIS EMBARRASSMENT BEFORE UNSTEADILY GETTING BACK TO HIS FEET WITH A SLIGHT MOAN OF PAIN FROM AN AGEING BACK PROBLEM.
PAUL:
I wa just gonna touch ya heart and tell ya not to worry (Points to the employee poster) I'm here to help, not molest. No contact allowed between us. Silly really cos we could be lovers.
(Serious)...Students of Morley learner driving centre, You all know that today is crunch night, so this centre needs ya! I need ya! We need ya! ...we meaning us that work here that is, Dun't worry, I dun't have voices in my head. (Points to his head) There's just me in here. (Puts on an infant boys voice) No there isn't! My name is Larry and I'm only five. (Laughs)
Where was I? Oh yeah. Who's with me?
MANDIE HAS HEARD THE SPEECH AND STANDS UP AND DECLARES THAT SHE IS WITH PAUL.
PAUL:
I know you are our Mand. You're taking minutes. Anyone else? Come on, hands up.
THE LEARNERS VERY SLOWLY START TO RAISE THEIR HANDS.
PAUL: (Loudly)
Come on, it's not like ya volunteering for a fifty mile walk!
(Looks at a girl in a wheelchair) Alright.
...anyway guys, stand up for ya rights! (Looks at the girl in the wheelchair again) Alright.
PAUL: (Embarrassed)
(To the girl in the wheelchair)...We maybe could get two of the lads to hook under both ya arms...
MANDIE: (Interrupting)
Paul there's something I forgot to tell you!
PAUL:
Get in! Dun't tell me!
PAUL WALKS OVER AND HOLDS HIS HAND UP TO MANDIE'S FACE. THE LONGER IT GOES ON, THE MORE ANGUISH WE SEE IN PAULS FACE.
PAUL:
Narr, it's gone. What is it?
MANDIE:
(Picks up a piece of paper) It's a complaint Paul.
PAUL: (Alarmed)
Another? Go on give it me.
MANDIE:
Mr Carson was more interested in what he called the 'Say what you see game' then trying to teach me how to drive.
PAUL:
Yeah, it's just a spot of fun. You ain't lived until you've played say what ya see. Teaching people to drive is right boring ya know. That game is a Pauly bonus.
MANDIE: (Brightly)
OK. Let's have a game. Er, what would you call an old woman walking her dog?
PAUL:
Granny Smiths dog walker.
MANDIE:
A young black man with glasses?
PAUL:
Trevor McDonald's grandson
MANDIE:
Two men. One of them is carrying a cat box?
PAUL:
The pet shop boys. See how does that warrant a complaint? PC gone to dogs. We can't let the investor's clock on with this, ya know what to do dun't ya?
MANDIE:
Burn it.
PAUL:
Eye.
KEVIN, THE MANAGER IS A PROFESSIONAL, BY THE BOOK LATE THIRTIES STRAIGHT TALKING GUY ENTERS.
KEVIN;
Right. The investors are on their way here. I'm still sorting out some paperwork and then I have to nip out so I'm going to leave them in the capable hands of you and your lads. Any problems, give me a shout. Right?
PAUL:
Dun't worry Kevos. Leave em with me. They'll be wanting to invest in slippers for parrots by the time I've done with em.
KEVIN LOOKING BEMUSED EXITS.
MANDIE:
Don't look so worried Paul, there only people, they have skin and legs just like us. Do you want me to sing?
PAUL:
Go on then.
MANDIE IS OVERJOYED AND PREPARES TO BURST INTO SONG. PAUL ISN'T REALLY INTERESTED AND IS LOST IN DEEP THOUGHT, HE GETS AN IDEA AND JUST WALKS OFF. MANDIE SLOWING SITS BACK DOWN WITH A GLUM EXPRESSION, SHE SLOWLY PICKS UP THE PHONE AND QUIETLY SINGS, 'HELLO, IS IT ME YOU'RE LOOKING FOR?' SHE THE
CONTINUES WITH WORK.
INT. RECEPTION. MORNING
BACK AT THE RECEPTION ENTRANCE, LATER THAT MORNING. PAUL IS WITH TWO FORTY SOMETHING MALE PROFESSIONAL INVESTORS.
PAUL:
This is what I call 'The Temple'. It's a sacred place for me so before we enter, we must take off our shoes.
THE TWO INVESTORS CONFUSED, TAKE OFF THEIR SHOES. PAUL KNOWS THE JOKE HAS GONE TOO FAR SO HE TOO TAKES OFF HIS SHOES.
PAUL:
We can just hold on to these. Let's go in before I have you're trousers off too.
PAUL GRIMACE'S AT WHAT HE'S JUST SAID. THEY WALK THROUGH AND UP TO THE ABANDONED RECEPTION DESK.
INVESTOR 1:
There's no need to worry Paul. We just want to look around and chat to some of the employees that's all. We don't want a big fuss, really.
AT THAT POINT MANDIE APPEARS FROM UNDER THE DESK WITH A 'WELCOME' BANNER, SHE'S ABOUT TO BREAK INTO SONG BUT IN THE SAME MOTION PAUL STOPS HER AND LOWERS HER BACK DOWN.
PAUL:
Narr. None a that here.
PAUL LEADS THE INVESTORS OVER TO THE WAITING AREA, HE STANDS NEXT TO THE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH POSTER AGAIN. THEY PAY NO ATTENTION. THERE IS A SINGLE LEARNER WAITING, BUT IT IS IN FACT MICHAEL WHO IS PRETENDING TO BE A LEARNER, HE'S BEEN DRESSED UP TO LOOK LIKE A TEENAGER. PAUL AND THE INVESTORS SIT BESIDE HIM.
PAUL:
Hello young man. Haven't seen you in here before.
MICHAEL: (Cockily)
You trying to pull me?
PAUL: (Under his breath)
Just stick to script, stick to script.
MICHAEL: (Unenthusiastically)
No I haven't been in here before. I heard such good things from previous learners about the centre and especially about an imaginative and charismatic instructor called Paul Carson.
PAUL: (To the investors)
That's me.
MICHAEL:
The staff here are all so welcoming and the lessons are all so informative.
THE INVESTORS LOOK VERY IMPRESSED AND NOD ALONG SMILING AND TAKING NOTES.
PAUL:
That my lad is just how we roll here. (To the investors) Roll...like a car.
MICHAEL:
Yeah. Good that. (To investors) Have you ever heard of a game called 'The say what you see game'?
THE INVESTORS SHAKE THEIR HEADS BUT PAUL KNOWS THAT THIS COULD MEAN SERIOUS
TROUBLE.
MICHAEL: (Cont'd)
(Leans toward the investors) I've heard that one of the instructors plays...
PAUL SPRINGS UP AND LET'S OUT SCREAM, HE POINTS TO THE WINDOW OVERLOOKING THE CAR PARK. MICHAEL AND THE INVESTORS STAND UP TO SEE WHAT IT IS.
INVESTOR 2:
What is it?
PAUL: (Desperately)
Gary...!
INVESTOR 2: (Concerned)
Gary? What about Gary?
PAUL: (Struggling for words)
The...garden...man. I thought he wa gonna kill a daisy flower, but he...din't..wasn't.
MICHAEL AND THE INVESTORS SIT BACK DOWN TO AN AWKWARD SILENCE. PAUL IS STILL STOOD UP AND REALLY ON EDGE, HE SLOWLY STARTS TO SIT DOWN.
INVESTOR 1: (To Michael)
You were saying about a game?
PAUL INSTANTLY BOUNCES OFF HIS CHAIR AGAIN AND LETS OUT A CRY OF PAIN, THEN THROWS HIMSELF ON THE
FLOOR HOLDING HIS BACK, THE INVESTORS RUSH TO HIS HELP TO ACCESS WHAT HAS HAPPENED.
PAUL: (Loudly)
It's the back. It's the back. It's gone. Just get me up, I'll be right.
THE INVESTORS LIFT HIM TO HIS FEET BUT PAUL CAN'T STRAIGHTEN HIS BACK. HE IS BENT OVER ALMOST NINETY DEGREES AND IN PAIN.
INVESTOR 1:
Maybe we should call a doctor?
PAUL:
Narr, it'll be right once it's cracked back in again, the show must go on!
PAUL WITH SHOES STILL IN HAND AND NOW BENT RIGHT OVER, LEADS THE WAY TOWARDS TO THE STAFF ROOM.
PAUL:
This is the staff room. This is not a sacred place and I dun't mind if ya wanna stick ya shoes back on.
PAUL STRUGGLES TO PUT HIS SHOES ON
INVESTOR 2:
Would you like a hand...?
PAUL:
Narr, let me do this! Let me bloody do this!
PAUL MANAGES TO GET PART OF HIS FEET IN HIS SHOES SO HE TAKES THIS AS VICTORY.
PAUL:
Right, that'll do. We'll have a gander in here then we'll grab a bit a dinner.
PAUL OPENS THE DOOR TO FIND JOEY DANCING WITH HIS BACK TO THE DOOR WEARING NOTHING BUT A BASEBALL CAP, SUNGLASSES, A VEST AND UNDERPANTS. HE HAS HIS GIANT HEADPHONES ON AND IS SINGING AND DANCING.
PAULHorrified)
Just Joey in underpants. Dinner?
PAUL CLOSES THE DOOR AND ESCORTS THE INVESTORS AWAY.
INT. CAR. AFTERNOON.
PAUL, JOEY AND MICHAEL ARE IN THE LEARNER CAR. PAUL IS UNEASILY BENT FORWARD IN HIS SEAT IN PAIN AND IS SOMEWHAT DISTANT, JOEY IS READING 'THE SUN' PAPER AND EATING BURGER KING, MICHAEL IN THE BACK SEAT IS LOOKING AMUSED EATING AN APPLE.
JOEY: (To himself)
I wud proper give her gut love, I bet she cud suck a house brick through a Maccy D's straw init brov.
MICHAEL:
Is you're mum in the paper again?
JOEY:
No, but ya dad is. (Nudges Paul) No, but ya dad is. P Dogg! Dogg!
PAUL: (Startled)
Underpants! What!?
JOEY:
Wot's up Doggy? Ya like a sad scared horse on crack or summat.
MICHAEL: (Confused)
What?
PAUL:
(To Joey) Did I at any point say dance around the frigging staffroom in ya undies?
JOEY:
I always do it my breaks P. Me and my Moms are proper going on Britain's got talent to smash it up in front of the Cowell. I'll be like, (Starts to body pop) and moms will be like, (Crosses his arms and nods his head like a bad rapper) Off da hook!
MICHAEL:
I didn't know you're mum could move?
JOEY:
Of course she can move. Moves like the twister in da film, 'Twister'.
MICHAEL:
No, off the sofa. She'll clinically obese isn't she?
JOEY:
Yeah so! I'll have you know homeboys that my mom's is pretty fit and... sexy, and she still doesn't mind tucking me in or sharing a bath, cos she's kind and soft to the touch...init.
(Long Silence)
PAUL: (Astounded)
(To Joey) You still share a bath with ya mam!?
JOEY:
Only when my pops don't wanna.
MICHAEL:
Jesus.
CARL:
You still share a bath with ya dad!?
JOEY:
Yeah big P! There's a water shortage down in da hood init! (Starts to rap) Check it, check it, wa broke
up in here, my pops in da clear, bath time for us is summat we don't fear, my mom's on da blob...
PAUL: (Abruptly)
Will ya shut up singing like a silly bastard! Ya not American or live in da hood! Ya a skinny white lad from Morley. Ya still take a bloody bath with ya folks for god's sakes! Just calm it down a little!
JOEY LOOKS STUNNED THEN GETS A LITTLE UPSET, HE WIPES A TEAR AWAY.
JOEY: (Subdued)
Could I at least still do it a little bit...?
PAUL:
Yeah lad! Just, ya know, ration it whilst the investors are here. I'm at boiling point.
...I can't believe we have to take one of em on a lesson. My back is in ruins, my shoes are all crushed at the back, I dread to think what their saying in there, and to top it off, an image of your arse keeps flashing before me eyes!
...Let's just get it over with, and this time let's just stick to bloody plan.
CUT TO:
INT/EXT. CAR. AFTERNOON
IN THE LEARNER CAR WITH PAUL, WHO IS NOW TIED TO HIS SEAT WITH ROPE, JOEY, MICHAEL AND ONE OF THE INVESTORS. THERE IS A TENSE SILENT ATMOSPHERE, EVERYONE HAS A SHOCKED EXPRESSION AND ARE COMPLETELY FROZEN IN THEIR SEATS. AT THE FRONT OF THE CAR ON THE ROAD LIES A DEAD DOG WHICH THEY HAVE JUST HIT, THE OWNER IS THE SAME OLD WOMAN WHO PAUL HAD PREVIOUSLY ABUSED. SHE IS STILL HOLDING HER HEAVY BAGS, AS WELL AS AN EXTENDER DOG LEAD THAT IS STILL ATTACHED TO THE DEAD DOG. SHE TURNS AND LOOKS AT PAUL, PAUL LOOKS HORRIFIED, HE SLIGHTLY LOWERS DOWN THE WINDOW AND SQUEEZES A TWENTY POUND NOTE THROUGH IT.
PAUL: (Panicked)
(To old woman)That's all I have. (To Michael) Frigging drive!
MICHAEL STILL IN SHOCK ABRUPTLY REVERSES, THERE IS A DOG YELP AND THEN SILENCE. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT ANOTHER DOG IS DEAD.
PAUL: (Gobsmacked)
Does anyone have any money?
INT.CAR.AFTERNOON.
BACK IN THE LEARNING CENTRE CAR PACK, LATER THE DAY. PAUL IS STILL STRAPPED TO THE SEAT, JOEY IS SAT IN THE FRONT EATING SOME BISCUITS AND MICHAEL IS DRINKING TEA IN THE BACK.
MICHAEL:
Well that went well. Could have been worse, you could have given her the twenty quid in one's and two's.
PAUL: (To Michael)
Rule one when driving, dun't crush any frigging dogs! You'll never make an instructor if ya carry on killing lad.
MICHAEL: (Annoyed)
It wasn't my fault! I would have seen the dog if Joey hadn't been stood up body popping in the car.
JOEY:
Practice makes perfect init. Just showing the investor guy my mad skills G. Never know, he might wanna invest in me talents.
MICHAEL:
What a nob-end!
PAUL: (To Michael)
You were driving, so it's your fault lad! Leave Joey out of this!
(Pause)...This rope is doing my head in, I think I need an epidural.
JOEY:
Cake?
PAUL:
Lovely.
JOEY FEEDS PAUL A BIG PIECE OF CAKE.
MICHAEL:
The presentation starts in twenty minutes. (To Paul) Have you got your notes?
PAUL:
Of course I have Derrick the dog destroyer.
JOEY: (Laughing)
Banging!
PAUL:
Ladies and gentleman. Welcome to Morley learner driving centre...and so on and so forth, I can blag the rest.
(Long pause)
JOEY:
Could I do a rap P? I could MC and be like (Beat boxing) or like, (Singing) Everybody in da 313 put YA sexy driving hands up and follow me!
MICHAEL: (Sarcastically)
Then your mum could come in and be like (Body pops) and you could be like (crosses is arms and nods his head) then I could be stood at the back going (Does a wanker gesture)
JOEY:
My mom's would drive by your arse brov.
MICHAEL:
What with her sofa car?
PAUL: (Smirking)
Isn't it funny?
MICHAEL:
What Joeys face? Yeah it's hilarious.
(Long pause)
PAUL:
(Laughing and looking out of the car window) No Derrick, the trees, the trees look mournful.
JOEY AND MICHAEL LOOK AT EACH OTHER.
PAUL: (Slightly slurring)
Me eyes feel...mad.
MICHAEL: (Concerned)
Are you okay Paul?
PAUL JUST WIDELY SMILES AND STARES OUT OF THE WINDOW.
JOEY: (Loudly)
P Dogg! Dogg! Big P! Big Dogg!
(Long pause)
PAUL: (Laughing)
(Singing) I'm a little tree, look I'm sad. I'm a little tree but dun't feel bad. (Uncontrollable laughter)
(Slurring to Joey) Do ya have any more cake?
JOEY:
No mate. Have to wait till Daz gets back from the Dam.
MICHAEL: (Seriously)
You got the cake off Darren?
JOEY:
Yeah Brov. (Rapping) When ya falling from space, grab a bit of cake, Daz sifts and he shakes, sprinkles green when he bakes...
PAUL: (Slurring)
(Rapping) I eat cake and I eat it...food in me mouth...doggies splattered...third at crufts.
MICHAEL: (To Joey)
You stupid idiot! Darren only makes space cake! Look at him, he's smashed! (Looks at his watch) Shit we've got ten minutes before he has to speak. This is going to be a disaster. (To Joey) How can we bring him round?
JOEY:
Er...Punch him in da nob?
MICHAEL:
Idiot! Let's get him walking, he might sober up that way.
MICHAEL AND JOEY GET OUT OF THE CAR AND THEN DRAG PAUL OUT. THEY WALK HIM AROUND BUT PAUL TRIES TO RUN OFF. THEY GET HIM BACK AND LEAD HIM INTO THE CENTRE.
INT. MEETING ROOM. AFTERNOON
THE MEETING ROOM IS FULL OF LEARNERS, STAFF AND THE INVESTORS. PAUL CRASHES THROUGH THE DOOR CLOSELY FOLLOWED BY JOEY AND MICHAEL
KEVIN: (Serious)
(To Paul) Right! I'll go on first and do my bit then it's up to you to bring it home. Okay good.
MICHAEL TRIES TO INTERRUPT KEVIN. KEVIN JUST WALKS OFF AN STARTS THE MEETING, LEAVING PAUL ALL RED EYED AND INTENSELY SMILING.
KEVIN:
Ladies and gentlemen...
PAUL: (Shouting)
That's my line!
KEVIN: (Slightly annoyed)
...Welcome to Morley learner driving centre...
PAUL: (Slurring)
You robbing bastard!
KEVIN:
Thank you all for coming-
PAUL: (To himself)
Ya can have that one.
KEVIN:
-Your support is greatly appreciated...
PAUL: (To himself)
(Really Slurring and out of it) Cud we ever exist without hands? Hands should have names like mums and aunties...he still baths with his mum.
KEVIN:
-So without further ado, Mr Paul Carson.
THE ROOM IS ENGULFED WITH CLAPPING AND WHOOPING FROM JOEY. PAUL IS DIRECTED TO THE PULPIT.
PAUL: (Slurring)
Welcome and gentleman... (Points to Kevin) he stole my words. Driving is with wheels and a dashboard, and living here has made me...a bit dry now...working here I mean, is most appreciated and when you want shoulders or gobs to cry in to, then there's Mandies jubs too...(Downs a full glass of water) Now! Looking at this graph, (There isn't a graph) we can see...where's the graph gone? I wa saying earlier to...my hands that they should have names, dun't think that's relevant now though. Where was I? Is anyone proper hot in here? My eyelids are sweating. (Points to a two litre bottle of water) Come here! Oh yeah. (Uncontrollably laughing) I tried to make em float over to me, but...
JOEY: (O.O.S)
Proper banging!
PAUL: (Cont'd)
Would ya rather die in a huge motor way pile up or have ya face ripped off by a bear whilst out camping?
(Pause)
I would probably just like me head cut off like in 'Highlander', or just drink some petrol and swallow some matches. (Gestures that his stomach is on fire) Bush! (Singing) Danger! danger! High voltage, when we touch, when we kiss...I'll put it out!
PAUL GRABS THE WATER AND BEGINS TO DOWN IT, HE DRINKS UNTIL WATER IS OVER FLOWING IN HIS MOUTH SO HE JUST EMPTIES THE REST OVER HIS FACE AND HEAD.
PAUL: (Cont'd)
...so in conclusion we need to buy low and sell low. (To investors) Please invest or I'll get Joey's mom to...put a cap in ya arse, if she ever gets off the sofa. Goodnight, and remember, dun't have nightmares, or pass away like joeys yet no be discovered Nan. See ya!
PAUL STUMBLES THROUGH THE ROOM AND EXITS. THE PEOPLE ARE STUNNED AND HORRIFIED. JOEY STARTS TO FRANTICALLY APPLAUD AND WHOOP.
JOEY: (Smiling)
Proper good dat. Well happy wid dat me. (Chanting) Jerry! Jerry!
INT. CAR. AFTERNOON
PAUL IS ALONE. HE LOOKS DOWN AND OUT. HE PRESSES PLAY ON THE STEREO. GEORGE MICHAEL'S, 'CARELESS WHISPER' COMES ON. PAUL LISTENS AND REALLY TRIES TO MAKE HIMSELF CRY. HE GIVES UP AFTER A WHILE. 'I JUST CAN'T CRY'. SUDDENLY JOEY AND MICHAEL BURST INTO THE CAR AND PAUL QUICKLY CHANGES CHANNEL. LOU REED' 'THE PASSENGER', STARTS TO PLAY QUIETLY.
PAUL:
I know what ya gonna say, so dun't bother.
MICHAEL: (Smirking)
Say about what? That was just a normal boring meeting. Nothing strange at all happened. Nothing.
JOEY:
Da best bit wa when you wanted da water to float to ya. I was well willing it over to ya. Just imagine if it did just float...
PAUL: (Remorseful)
Do you think the investors saw any positives in that?
(Pause)
MICHAEL: (In thought)
Narr.
PAUL:
Did Kevin look anger at all?
(Pause)
MICHAEL: (In thought)
Yep.
PAUL:
Will we get any investment?
MICHAEL:
Not unless ever one who saw that gets struck down blind. deaf and dumb.
JOEY: (Serious)
Ya can say no, but if ya want me to go round to their homes and slit them from groin to neck, I would for ya Paul. Just say the words Big D.O.G.G.
PAUL: (Touched)
Thanks mate. Let's go to pub.
PAUL TURNS UP THE STEREO AND THEY ALL BEGIN TO SING 'THE PASSENGER'. JOEY STARTS UP THE CAR AND SPEEDS OUT OF THE CENTRE WITH THEM ALL SINGING THE LA, LA, LA, PART OF THE SONG.
END OF EPISODE