Sketch comp 30.3-7.4.11 Page 2

NEWSCASTER:
Experts now believe that at the current rate of global warming by the year 2020 the letters 'J' and 'C' will be burnt out of the alphabet.

VIEWER:
'Esus 'Hrist!

END.

You can read my entry next week.

1. INT BREAKFAST TV STUDIO. A SMARMY YOUNG PRESENTER CALLED CHRIS IS TALKING EARNESTLY TO THE CAMERA

CHRIS:
Judging by the weather today, you'd think there was no such thing as global warming. Apparently it does exist though, and joining us here in the studio to talk about how science can make all our futures safe is Professor Ian Smith, head of climate research at the University Of Wolverhampton. Hello Professor Smith.

CAMERA SHOWS PROF SMITH. HE'S A VERY OVERWEIGHT MAN DRESSED IN A SILVER JUMP SUIT.

SMITH:
Global warming is very real and will impact all our lives. For example, we believe that in the future water will be a very scarce resource, even here in the UK. Do you want to end up fighting to the death over a beaker of tepid water?

CHRIS:
Well, no not really?

SMITH:
It could happen. We fed your details into one our computer simulations yesterday, and it predicted you having a fight with Tim, your sports reporter.

CHRIS TRIES TO TALK HIS WAY OUT OF AN EMBARRASSING MOMENT

CHRIS:
I know Tim can be grumpy, especially when it's his round, but that sounds terrible. Who won?

SMITH:
Tim I'm afraid. He bludgeoned you to death, drank the water and then pleasured himself over your back.

CHRIS:
Thank you Professor Smith. Remember this is an early morning broadcast. So this suit you've got on?

SMITH:
As yes. This is a low resource, survival suit. I'll grant you it doesn't look very pretty or fetching, especially with my corpulent body inside it. It really is remarkable though, even at this early stage of development. I can survive for 3 weeks in this suit on just one glass of water and a tiny amount of food. All waste products, liquid and solid are completely recycled.

CHRIS:
Can you demonstrate?

SMITH:
Certainly. As I say to my students, it's as easy as ...

PROF SMITH HAS A LOOK OF CONCENTRATION ON HIS FACE

SMITH:
One

PROF SMITH SHAKES, THEN STARTS MAKING A GRUNTING SOUND

SMITH:
Two

LIGHTS ON THE FRONT OF THE SUIT START TO FLASH AND THERE IS A WHIRRING SOUND

SMITH:
Three. There we go.

SMITH PULLS A TUBE OUT OF THE SUIT AND POURS LIQUID INTO A GLASS. HE ALSO PULLS OUT SOME SOLID BROWN CUBES FROM ANOTHER PART OF THE SUIT.

SMITH:
Compact, highly sterilised solids, and pure, filtered water. I've heard it tastes a bit like Weetabix. Please, be my guest.

CHRIS NERVOUSLY PICKS UP ONE OF THE BROWN CUBES AND POPS IT IN HIS MOUTH.

CHRIS:
What the hell! It tastes like ...

SMITH:
Erm, here, have some water.

CHRIS TAKES A GULP AND IMMEDIATELY SPITS IT OUT

CHRIS:
Christ, it's still warm.

THE PROFESSOR LOOKS PUZZLED AND THEN SPOTS SOMETHING ON THE SUIT.

SMITH:
Oh dear. Sorry. I forgot to turn the filtration system on.

CHRIS LOOKS LIKE HE'S ABOUT TO KILL HIM. THE PROFESSOR GULPS, THE SUITS WHIRRS INTO LIFE AGAIN AND HE SELF CONSCIOUSLY REMOVES ANOTHER COUPLE OF BROWN CUBES AND PUTS THEM ON THE DESK.

Until the BCG has a referendum on AV, I'll have to just go with my first choice. Kasm.

Some brilliant sketches this week the most brilliantestist being Angie's

Ishy's for me

Nil Putters' for responding most accurately and creatively to the subject requirement. It made me laugh, too.

Sean Knight.

Shirly Whirly.

Sean Knight

Scar Bum

Some funny stuff and good ideas this time.
My vote goes to Steve Sunshine.

Sean Knight.

Cheers, results up!