Sketch comp 30.3-7.4.11

Grate stuffed so congratulations to STEPHEN SUNSHINE for winning again! Get rat-anussed and PM me for next week's topic please.
Hence:
Votes - Points - Name

5 - 10 - Steve Sunshine
3 - 5 - Flavian (hi!)
1 - 1 - Reg N, Angiebaby, Shirl the Whirl, Stephen Birch
Speckled mention: Otterfox

Your new subject: FUTURISTIC (Chosen by Stephen Goodlad)
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sex or inside leg measurement, except the kid who used to beat me up at school.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's original and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 7.4.11

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

187! - Mr Sunshine
154 - Otterfox
143 - Cool Mikado
141 - Michael Monkhouse
140 - Kasm
132 - Nigel Kelly
112 - Jebsly
108 - Frankie Rage
104 - Timbo
103 - Charley Rance
98 - Fred Peters
82 - Angiebaby
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
61 - Gerry McDonnell
58 - Ishy
56 - Alex Mahon, Scratchyr
37 - Afinkawan
35 - Don P. Musey
32 - James, Swerytd, Paul Watson
28 - Leevil
26 - Bushbaby, David Chapman
25 - Craig H
23 - Roscoff
22 - Blobster
21 - Mikey J
20 - Stephen Goodlad, James Harris, Kevin Murphy, Dannyjb1, Niteowl, Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - Ellie
16 - Reg N, Eggie
15 - Nil Putters, Cinnamon, Dale
14 - Stephen Birch
13 - Badge
12 - Geoff Mutton, Will Cam
11 - Steven
10 - Robo, Nitram Skir, Socrates, Tom Campbell, Tommy Power, Waring
09 - ajp29, ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - The Giggle-O, garyd, Winterlight
06 - Shirl the Whirl, Little Jersey Devil, Hellboy, Wayne Lewis, John Kelly, Andrew Lynch
05 - Flavian, Sean, Karlos the Great, Drew, Pedros, Summer G, Mannikin Bird, Tumble, Greggles, Happy Shopper, Timothy Marshal-Nichols, Rob B
04 - Shandonbelle, Andy W, losaavedra
02 - Stu R, Imamazed, Slack Bladder, Paul Nash, Boits, Gavin
01 - veedeeplex, Grem, Macca, Ming The Mirthless, Minty, Shpadoinkle, Shaggy292, amillionpounds, Jake How, David Bussell, Charisma, Skibbington von Skubber, Ginger Jesus, Nick Rivers, Daddy Maz, Martin Bickle, Batman, Ray Dawson, Marion, Tooting Jo

Any ballsups, PM me please.

EMERGENCIES: A PATIENT IS SHOWING HIS PENIS (AKA COCK, NOB, PRICK ETC.) TO A NURSE:

NURSE - AMAZED: Fist time I've seen one of these! How the hell did this happen?

PATIENT: Have you heard about that ultra-modern public loo in Blanding square?

NURSE - CURIOUS: Yes.

PATIENT: Well, I thought I'd give it a whirl. I did number one's and then I discovered
there weren't no bog paper. Then I saw a button which said clean and dry - so
I pressed it.

NURSE: What happened?

PATIENT: A jet of warm soapy water shot up me ablute-chute, then it rinsed me,
and then I got a blow-dry. F**kin' brilliant.

NURSE- POINTING AT THE PATIENT'S APPENDAGE: And this?

PATIENT: I was just about to pull up my pants and I see this hole.

NURSE - INTERRUPTING: In your pants?

PATIENT: Nah, in the wall. Above it it says "perfect housewife". Couldn't resist
giving that a try, could I?

NURSE: And?

PATIENT: I whacked me winkle in the hole.

NURSE: Another blow job?

PATIENT: Nah, it sewed this f**kin' button on the end!

Now animated http://goanimate.com/movie/0LxR59D-2Nio?utm_source=linkshare&uid=0nWnv1yd0hTQ

INT.Whitehouse - DAY

The Cold War is at it's peak. The PRESIDENT, General WALDORF and Professor EPSTEIN are stood in the Oval Office. The president is agitated.

PRESIDENT

God damn it, we need to take action against those damn Ruskies but it could mean disaster for the human race.

WALDORF

I say just nuke 'em, Sir. God is on our side.

EPSTEIN

Just wait, Sir. I have an invention that lets me travel to the future, I can find out what happens.

PRESIDENT

Get to it, we don't have much time.

EPSTEIN

I'll be right back.

Epstein exits. He re-enters almost immediately wearing a Lady Gaga T-Shirt.

PRESIDENT

Epstein? What are you still doing here?

EPSTEIN

I've been to the future, everything's going to be fine.

WALDORF

Are the Russians destroyed?

EPSTEIN

Not exactly, no.

PRESIDENT

Is the world a better place?

EPSTEIN

Errr...you know, swings and roundabouts.

PRESIDENT

Is America the leading economic power in the world.

EPSTEIN

We've certainly helped changed the world economy.

WALDORF

Do the other nations of the world love and respect us?

EPSTEIN

There's, er, definitely a strong feeling towards us.

PRESIDENT

Who is the President?

EPSTEIN

A Barrack Obama

PRESIDENT

Obama! Is he Jewish?

EPSTEIN

No

PRESIDENT

Is he a Muslim? Because that would be....

EPSTEIN

He's black.

PRESIDENT

Black?.....Waldorf!

WALDORF

Sir!

PRESIDENT

Go to Defcon 1, get me the launch codes.

TIMING

TOM and DICK on stage:

TOM Good evening ladies and gentlemen, we hope you're enjoying the show that's going out an hour ago.

DICK What?

TOM The clock's changed, everything's an hour ago. British summertime.

DICK Don't be stupid.

TOM You're right - this, Summertime?

DICK I mean don't be stupid, the time makes no difference.

TOM It blinkin' well does, what if we satirise an event that hasn't occurred yet? 'Ladies and gentlemen, Silvio Berlusconi has been confined to penal activities, isn't that what he was confined for the first place?' Doesn't work does it?

DICK Look, the time we experience is independent of the ticking of the clock.

TOM Well thank you, Stephen Hawkin. Point is, I haven't got a crystal ball.

DICK You have, I saw it in the changing room.

TOM Oh now you've gone and going to do it.

DICK hits him.

DICK That's for what you might be doing in an hour. (leaves)

TOM Don't worry, I let going to be bygones be going to be bygones.

First time poster in critique, so please go easy on me! Just a quick sketch I thought of........

INT - Burger King

King Henry VIII has been time travelled to the year 2015. Professor Ledger is trying to integrate him back into society. The events are being filmed by a solitary cameraman (Barry) for an upcoming documentary.

LEDGER (holding a burger up to Henry) - So your highness, this is called a Whopper. It's a flame grilled beef pattie in a white bun. It's delicious.

HENRY (confused) - And this be your King?

LEDGER(his head drops) - No your highness. We've been through this a dozen times. This is a retail food outlet. It is handy for a quick snack and is popular throughout the world. It's name is Burger King.

HENRY - So the French also bow to this new King?

LEDGER (confused) - What? No! Well technically yes there are franchises in France for sure. However, you're not getting it. This is a restaurant. There is no King.

HENRY(stands to attention) - Ah! Then on the 'morrow I will lobby ye Church of England and reclaim this great land!

Ledger holds his head in his hands as a couple of young girls take photos of Henry with their mobiles. Henry poses comically by holding a hand to his chin.

HENRY - And then I shall marry these wenches!

LEDGER (angrily) - Jesus Henry. I've told you before, in this age you cannot marry more than one person! And these girls are under age!

Ledger turns to the cameraman in disgust.

LEDGER (to the cameraman in desperation)- What did I tell you? I can't work with f@cking amateurs Barry. I told you we should've got f@cking Admiral Nelson!

Barry continues to film.

HENRY - Well can we go back to Spearmint Rhino then?

Ledger walks out.

The End.

EXT. OUTER SPACE. A FLYING SAUCER HURTLES TOWARDS EARTH.

CUT TO: INTERIOR OF FLYING SAUCER. ALIEN ROBOT FAMILIES ARE SEATED, WATCHING AND LISTENING TO A FILM ON SCREEN OR READING.

ROBOT VOICE:
This is your captain speaking. We are rapidly approaching our destination of planet earth. The atmosphere on earth is one of air, that's a roughly four-fifths nitrogen and one-fifth oxygen hybrid. I hope you enjoyed the in-flight movie 'Humans' and I wish you all a safe and pleasant onward journey. Thanks for flying with Galaxy Airways.

THE FLYING SAUCER LANDS ON AN AIRPORT RUNWAY. THE ALIEN ROBOTS DISEMBARK AND BOARD A BENDY BUS TO TAKE THEM TO THE TERMINAL.

AN AIRPORT OFFICIAL WATCHES THEM COMING TO THE TERMINAL

OFFICIAL:
The Galaxy Airways crowd's arrived... turn the scanners off quick or they'll be here all day.

TWO MEN ARE TALKING IN PRIVATE ON BOARD A SPACESHIP, BOTH WEARING THEIR SPACESHIP UNIFORMS.

CAPTAIN -
So, how are you finding it on board ship?

UB4189 -
Well, to be honest sir, the X-ray vision is freaking me out a bit.

CAPTAIN -
Why is that?

UB4189 -
It's making me feel a bit exposed....and I feel like everyone is sniggering about my third nipple!

CAPTAIN -
Nonsense! They probably just think it's a mole. That's what it looks like to me.

UB4189 -
See! You've noticed it!

CAPTAIN -
Anyway, is that all?

UB4189 -
Yes, sir.

CAPTAIN -
You don't think that you're boasting a bit with that enormous appendage of yours?

UB4189 -
What? I can't help being well endowed!

CAPTAIN -
No, but any excuse to jiggle it a bit. I think that you should be wearing tighter underpants to hold it all in place. And that's an order!

UB4189 -
Yes, sir.

CAPTAIN -
So, any other problems?

UB4189 -
No, sir.

CAPTAIN -
Good. Report to my quarters at 23.00 hours.

UB4189 -
Sir?

CAPTAIN -
I've watched you feasting your eyes on the forest that is my chest!

UB4189 -
Sir!

CAPTAIN -
I've seen your eyes travelling down from the forest into the thicket!

UB4189 -
GULPS.

CAPTAIN -
Let me assure you, the lion won't be sleeping tonight!

UB4189 -
Sir, I think the X-ray vision thing has ruined your judgement. There must be some way to deactivate it.

CAPTAIN -
Oh my God, what have I been saying? I beg your forgiveness! I beg you not to report me!

UB4189 -
Well...

CAPTAIN -
Anything, I'll do anything for you!

UB4189
Well, there is one thing...

CAPTAIN -
Anything!

UB4189 -
I think you ought to get that Arsenal tattoo removed!

CAPTAIN CLAPS HIS HAND ON HIS HIP AND LOOKS AGHAST.

UB4189 -
SINGS TO HIMSELF Come on you spurs!

DAY. INT.

A LONG CLEAN SHINY CORRIDOR
ONE SIDE FILLED WITH SEATS WITH RESTRAINERS ACROSS THEM
THE SEATS ARE FILLED WITH OLD PEOPLE

AUTOMATRONS GLIDE UP AND DOWN THE CORRIDOR TENDING TO
THE OLD PEOPLE.

YEAR 2112

OLD MAN #1 (to automatron offering him food)
Take that away you American made piece of junk

THE AUTOMATRON OFFERES HIM THE FOOD AGAIN

OLD MAN #1
What is it with you yank robots.
Always with the food, buzz off

THE AUTOMATRON GLIDES AWAY

OLD MAN #2 (sat next to him)
What don't you like, the food or that the robot is made in the USA

OLD MAN #1
Neither, since the third apocolypse and they rebuilt,
we seem to be overrun by everything American.

OLD MAN #2
It wouldn't be because that American Captain took Masie for a spin in his hyper-ship then.

OLD MAN #1
Ooh all those fancy inventions
I'll tell you what I don't like about the Americans
Hover boards, Hover cars, over here.

BERNICE
Have I got 'All nutters gratefully accepted' tattooed across my forehead?

TRISHA
I can't see, your fringe is in the way

BERNICE
He said he was a passionate dog lover with a great sense of adventure and asked if I was free on Saturday

TRISHA
So you played hard to get and said I'll see you right now if you like?

BERNICE
Shut up, he was so affectionate all evening,kept running his fingers through my hair, said it reminded him of a golden retriever

TRISHA
Least he wasn't talking about your face

BERNICE
After the third rum and coke,his passionate dog loving side started to come out

TRISHA
He started to slobber all over you?

BERNICE
He had this theory that in the future we would be as one with the dog and man would go where dogs would lead,or something about wearing leads,Id had a couple

TRISHA
I'd have got the muzzle out at that point

BERNICE
He said he crashed out one night after bingeing on lemon curd and had a visitation

TRISHA
What? from the local Mental Health Team?

BERNICE
He said a deity called The Houndling had proclaimed that in order to survive, man must inherit the characteristics of the Majestic Dog

TRISHA
Barking bulldogs

BERNICE
I couldn't take much more,what with the meatloaf for dinner and the four large Bailey's,I fled for the loo

TRISHA
I'd have fled for the hills

BERNICE
It took half an hour of Orinoco Flow on my iPod to clear my head

TRISHA
Sounds like you were in need of a good clear out

BERNICE
I came out to find him curled in a ball on the sofa,he shot up when he saw me

TRISHA
Must have been pleased to see you

BERNICE
More startled I'd say, I caught him scratching his ear with his foot while trying to lick his own dick a rooney clean

The Future: 172 inch plasma surround sound fridge.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

A POLICE SPOKESMAN IS ADDRESSING A PRESS CONFERENCE. THERE IS A SIGN THAT READS '2025 OFFICIAL CRIME FIGURES, SPONSORED BY PEPSI'

SPOKESMAN:
To sum up, these are the lowest recorded statistics since Prime Minister Cowell sold Scotland to the French.

REPORTER 1:
Petty crime may be down, but there's been yet another rise in reported Frapes. What are the police doing to keep us safe!

SPOKESMAN:
We just don't have the manpower to monitor unauthorised Facebook activity; we're kept busy questioning black people with jet-packs.

REPORTER 2
We don't care about that. My mother was Fraped last night. She's 64.

REPORTER 3:
I was Fraped by someone who claimed I was pregnant. I'm a Catholic, so I had to keep the resulting comments.

REPORTER 4:
Poor Margaret Thatcher was Fraped on her hundredth birthday.

REPORTER 5:
My 15-year old daughter was Fraped by a Faedophile.

REPORTER 6:
Somebody went on to my Facebook and changed the day of my school reunion. I was Date-Fraped.

SPOKESMAN:
I understand that it's an emotive issue, but a lot of people do tick the 'log in to Facebook automatically' option, so they have to accept some responsibility.

REPORTER 7:
Are you saying we were asking to be Fraped?

SPOKESMAN:
Don't misunderstand me, Fraping is morally wrong. But if people are loose with their security, they know what they're letting themselves in for.

REPORTER 8:
You're a pig!

SPOKESMAN:
No, I'm just their spokesman.

LOCAL FLIGHT

The cabin of a large space ship.

Pilot (VINCE) and co pilot (BEN)
The ships computer (PAX) also speaks

PAX
Course correction necessary

VINCE
What? Why's he said that? We're going straight to Ganymede.

BEN
Er... we need to make a stop for fuel

VINCE
Didn't you fill up on Earth

BEN
No. Just enough for take off, Tesco was too dear

VINCE
You prat! Where did you plan on getting more polybutadiene?

BEN
At the Asda on Phobos. I've got some coupons, we'll get one percent discount.

PAX
Course correction imminent

VINCE
Ah. Phobos. Nothing to do with that Phobosian girl you've got the hots for? The one with the large glands?

BEN
Well, I thought I might see her while we are filling up.

VINCE
But it only takes three minutes to fill the tanks.

BEN
Er... That'll be enough...

VINCE
Jeez!

PAX
Course correction window exceeded

VINCE
What? What the photon does that mean?

BEN
We've missed the turnoff. I thought I'd programmed it on the starnav.

VINCE
So when's the next turnoff

BEN
PAX, when is the next course correction window?

PAX
In three hundred and seventy five thousand years

BEN and VINCE together
WHAT?

VINCE
It's a mistake. We're only going on a local trip. It should be three days.

BEN
PAX, can't we make a course correction now? Take us somewhere to get some fuel.

PAX
No course correction possible on existing fuel for three hundred and seventyfive thousand years. One galaxy orbit at present speed.

VINCE (LOOKING AT BEN)
You f**king idiot! Call the AAA.

BEN
I can't, I didn't renew. The ARAC are cheaper

VINCE
Well call them

BEN
I haven't joined yet

VINCE
Bloody hell, we're stranded!

PAX
Engine temperature rising. Coolant top up required. Meltdown in fifteen minutes

VINCE (LOOKING AT BEN)
Have we got any?

BEN (SHAKES HIS HEAD)

EXT. ENGLISH COUNTRYSIDE. DAY

A SPACESHIP, ENGULFED IN FLAMES, HURTLES TOWARDS THE GROUND. IT GOUGES A LONG RUT INTO THE FLAT GRASSY PLAIN AND FINISHES UP JUST YARDS FROM A STARTLED HIKER

THE HIKER PEERS DOWN AT THE MANGLED CRAFT SMOULDERING IN ITS GLOWING RUT. SUDDENLY A HATCH OPENS AND A MONKEY IN A SPACESUIT CLAMBERS OUT

HIKER
Wow! There must be a circus in town - that was one craaazy stunt. Come here little fella - look what I've got for you.

THE HIKER REACHES INTO HIS RUCKSACK AND PRODUCES A BANANA FOR THE LITTLE CHIMP. THE MONKEY TAKES OFF ITS HELMET, TOSSES IT TO THE GROUND AND TURNS TO STARE AT THE MAN

SUDDENLY THE CHIMP SINKS SLOWLY TO ITS KNEES WITH AN ANGUISHED HOWL AS IT LOOKS PAST THE MAN AND SEES STONEHENGE IN THE DISTANCE

MONKEY
We finally really did it. You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you. God damn you all to hell!

HIKER
Coolio - talking chimp. Gotta see this circus!

THE HIKER SMILES AT THE TALKING MONKEY AND STARTS MUNCHING THE BANANA

ENDS

SOMETIME INBETWEEN REVENGE OF THE SITH AND A NEW HOPE.
DARTH VADER IS SITTING IN THE DEATH STAR GAMES ROOM WHEN HE RECEIVES A HOLO MESSAGE FROM OBI WAN KENOBI

OBI WAN:
Annakin, are you there? is that you? I never know how to work these things.

VADER:
It's Darth now

OBI WAN:
Ok I'll try to make it a bit brighter, hang on

VADER:
No not Dark I said Darth my name is now Darth Vader

OBI WAN:
Oh Like Dark Father, I see, very clever.

VADER:
Did you really think you could keep the truth from me Obi Wan. I know that I have a Son.

OBI WAN:
And a Daughter

VADER:
Whatever! I want you to bring my son to me immediately or face the consequences.

OBI WAN:
Is that what the funny costume is all about, Vaders for Justice?

VADER:
This suit was designed for me to save my life, just after you sliced my legs & arms off.

OBI WAN:
I knew you'd bring that up! Give it a rest will you? I said I'm sorry

VADER:
Did you?

OBI WAN:
Well I definitely meant to anyway.

VADER:
When we meet again Obi Wan I shall not just chop your arms or legs off I will chop your whole body off.

OBI WAN:
Erm that doesn't make any sense Annak- I mean Darthikins Sorry Darth.

VADER:
Never the less our paths will cross again, I have foreseen it.
The forces of Good & us lot will have a magnificent battle followed other battles that may be a bit too Cutesy in places but not enough to ruin the whole thing.

OBI WAN:
Well that's what I wanted to talk to you about really. In case we end up in another Light Sabre Duel, I was wondering if we could tone it down a bit.

VADER:
Tone it down a bit?

OBI WAN:
Yes the last fight was really hectic, far too fast & somersaulty. To be honest I was really puffed out by the end.

VADER:
So what do you suggest? we just stand there chatting with the occasional thrust & parry.

OBI WAN:
If you don't mind mate?

VADER:
Oh go on then! this leather gets really squeaky when I move too quick anyway.

OBI WAN:
Ok great, sense you later

VADER:
At last The Circle is complete!

OBI WAN:
Pardon?

VADER:
Sorry I had this thing on Charge.

END

INT: RESTAURANT

JENNY: Happy Birthday!

DAVE: Oh right, yeah, birthday.

IPOD VOICE: 'DISINTERESTED'

DAVE: What was that?

JENNY: I didn't say anything, it was you...

DAVE: Really?

IPOD VOICE: 'BORED'

JENNY: It's this futuristic new App that analyses your voice and interprets your emotions.

DAVE: That's impossible.

IPOD VOICE: 'SUSPICIOUS'

JENNY: Well it sounds pretty accurate to me.

DAVE: Turn it off, that's not fair.

IPOD VOICE: 'INDIGNATION MIXED WITH FEAR'

JENNY: Have you got something to hide?

DAVE: No, I just don't want you reading my mind with software you downloaded from iTunes!

IPOD VOICE: 'PANIC MIXED WITH GUILT'

JENNY: I'll put it away once you open your present.

JENNY HANDS DAVE AN ENVELOPE.

DAVE: At least it's not an iPod.

JENNY: No, it's an IOU for the one thing you've always wanted.

DAVE: You're giving me a threesome for my birthday?

IPOD VOICE: 'EXCITED'

JENNY: All you've got to do is pick someone.

ENTER WAITER

WAITER: You folks ready for dessert?

IPOD VOICE: 'ARROUSED'

DAVE: What? No, I'm so...

IPOD VOICE: 'ANGRY'

JENNY: You're angry? I spent 79p on this bloody App, and all it picks up is me!