Husband & Wife..(Bed Ridden)

Another Husband & Wife Sketch.

Husband has had a knee op and is recovering in bed, wife has the job of running around after him.

Husband presses the intercom button on the upstairs cordless phone to call the downstairs one. (Brrrrrrrrrr)
Wife answers.

WIFE
(Exasperated) What Now!

HUSBAND
Cold drink please

WIFE
(Frowning) I just ran you one up

HUSBAND
Its warm now

Wife hangs up & throws the phone on the couch in annoyance, makes him a cold ribena with lots of ice and climbs the stairs sighing.

WIFE
There. Anything else your Majesty Eh

HUSBAND
Erm, No I think that was it. When is dinner

WIFE
(Shocked)You just had lunch

HUSBAND
I think a mixture of anaesthetic, pain & boredom are making me hungry. I would get it myself love but (He nods towards his bandaged knee) Nurse said 5 days of pure bed rest. Only to get up for the loo.

WIFE
Actually Dear, nurse said 2 days of bed rest & only getting up for the loo.

HUSBAND
5 days

WIFE
(Annoyed) No!! 2 days. You might have willed her to say 5 days but she said 2. I was there.

HUSBAND
No!!! You might have willed her to say 2 days, I was there too, It was my knee, my op and MY Nurse and she said 5.

WIFE
Look. I am making dinner in 1 hour, it will be ready 25 minutes later. Do you think you can wait for a little tiny weeny bit.

HUSBAND
I suppose so. I mean the last thing I want is my poor wife run ragged. (Husband rubs his belly) My tummy is groaning but I can hold off Honey.

WIFE
Wife leaves the room and Trots down the stairs. She puts the TV on & her feet up.

Intercom (Brrr Brrrrrrrr)

WIFE
(Fuming)What now???

HUSBAND
Oh I just forgot to say thank you for the cold drink.

WIFE
(Calms down a little) Oh! That’s ok.

HUSBAND
Erm! Any chance of a hot one before dinner

WIFE
(Seething) I made you a cuppa 20 minutes ago.

HUSBAND
Yea but its too cold now. I think taking a sip from that freezing ribena has frozen my palate & I cant taste anything other than cold. I don’t want a cold dinner so I just thought…….

WIFE
(Massive Sigh). I will bring it up with your dinner ok.

HUSBAND
No! Its ok. I will throw my crippled arse out of bed and haul my self downstairs and crawl into the kitchen to get it myself.

WIFE
(Gripping the phone) No No No!! I tell you what, I will get up from the comfortable place of which I have only just sat, make you your 2nd cup of tea in 20 minutes. Not a problem at all.

HUSBAND
Thanks Love. See you in 3 minutes then.

Wife goes into the kitchen makes the tea & takes it upstairs.

WIFE
Right, now I am going to be sitting down for 45 minutes, before I make dinner. Is there anything you might need in those 45 minutes that I can get for you now.

HUSBAND
Erm! A DVD, there is nothing on TV.

WIFE
Right what one do you want.

HUSBAND
One I haven’t seen would be nice.

WIFE
Well You have seen all the DVD’s we have

HUSBAND
Yea I know

WIFE
(Sarcastic) Are you asking me to drive to blockbuster and rent you out a DVD, before making your dinner, after making you 2 cups of tea in 20 minutes & two cold drinks, & your lunch, plus picking you up from the hospital late morning.

HUSBAND
Would you Honey, Oh you are so kind.

Wife backs out of the room and thumps downstairs.
The phone intercom starts ringing. (Brrrrrrr) Wife snatches it up.

WIFE
(Real mad now) WHAT!!!

HUSBAND
Could you get me some snacks while you are out Love, Oh and A Maxim. They don’t do that in Tesco though love so you will need to go to Smiths or the garage.

WIFE
(Raising her voice)Right, let me get this straight, you are asking me to go to Blockbusters, Tesco and the garage.(rubs her head)Okay I tell you what, I will pick up a takeaway while I am out, to save me cooking as soon as I get in.

HUSBAND
Oh I don’t think I should have anything spicy love.

WIFE
You love spicy

HUSBAND
Not after an op.

WIFE
Fish & chips then.

HUSBAND
Ewwwwwww! No I don’t think I could eat fish. I think it is best I stick to something home cooked.

WIFE
How do you know I was not going to home cook you some fish.

HUSBAND
Well what are you doing for dinner then.

WIFE
I haven’t decided yet.

HUSBAND
Ok we will have that then.

WIFE
What fish & chips

HUSBAND
No! Haven’t decided. I fancy that.

WIFE
Wife hangs up the phone and sits with her head in her hands on the bottom stair.

HUSBAND.
You stil here love cause if you are.(wife runs out of the front door)

Cut to the wife in the car. Muttering under her breath.

WIFE
5 days of this. I won’t be able to cope. I will end up throttling him I have to do something. Think woman think.

Cut to the wife in Blockbuster ignoring a ringing mobile.
Cut to the wife in Tesco ignoring a ringing mobile.
Cut to the wife in the garage, her mobile in the car ringing.

Cut to the woman returning home.

HUSBAND
(Shouts from upstairs) I have been ringing & ringing you.

WIFE
Sorry Love, I forgot my phone. I will be up in a minute

Wife trundles upstairs with some snacks a magazine & DVD.

WIFE
Right. I got you this film. It is called Misery. It’s an older one but I think you will like it.

HUSBAND
I don’t think I will Love.

WIFE
(Smiles) How do you know, you don’t even know what its about.
Here’s your magazine, and some snacks. I will set up the DVD for you.

Woman sets it up, hands the controls to her husband and goes downstairs to make the dinner.

She stares at the silent phone., a smirk on her face. She sits down to make her self comfortable & starts to drill her fingers on the phone. She looks at her watch.

WIFE
Any minute now.

The intercom goes off.(Brrrrrrr)

HUSBAND
OMG! Honey this is horrible. This woman (Kathy Bates) saves this guy (James Caan) who is her favourite writer from a car crash. This Mado woman right, has taken him back to her house & he has a bad leg & is holed up in bed he can’t move. Just like me. Anyway she was really nice to begin with, waiting on him & everything, Just like you, but the difference is she lied and said the phone doesn’t work to get help for him.. Then James Caan tried to crawl out of bed as he heard her on the phone & knew it worked & she found out and she took a hammer to his ankles. It was awful. She is mad hun. I feel sick. She calls him a dirty birdie and keeps flippin. Its , its, its, horrific.

WIFE
Oh dear. Look I will be up in a minute with your dinner Ok. You Dirty Birdy.

HUSBAND
What did you say

WIFE
I said I would be up with your dinner in a minute.

Cut to.
Wife kicking the bedroom door in. (making her husband jump) A deranged look on her face.
A tray with her husbands dinner in her hands & a hammer lying next to the plate.

HUSBAND
Errrr! What’s the erm Hammer for love. (Husband shifting uncomfortably in his bed, throwing the duvet over his legs)

WIFE
(Hard stare) Here’s your dinner honey. (Wife takes the hammer off the tray.)

HUSBAND
(Scared) Love! What’s the hammer for?(husbands eyes bulging).

WIFE
(Shrugs) Oh I thought I would re hang this picture up.

Wife takes a picture from the wall, pulls out the hook and re hammers it in (unnecessarily hard), to a 1cm difference from the previous hole.
Her husband is gulping and shaking on the bed.

WIFE
(raising one eyebrow )Now you Dirty Birdie, is there anything else you may want from me in the next 3 hours.

HUSBAND
No! No! No! Nothing, nout, zero.

Wife slings the hammer over her shoulder and pushes her face right up to her husbands.

WIFE
(Eerily) Now are you sure.

HUSBAND
(Gulps) Positive

WIFE
Right.

Wife whistles as she walks away from the bedroom..

Charley, that is inspired writing ... it's also amazingly articulate, beautifully written, recognisable, soddin' funny and a well done job! Stick to this kind of stuff (I think you're almost carving out your own genre with that man/woman thing) and you'll be a star!!! I suppose if I was feeling particularly picky I'd fiddle with a few bits here and there ... but what the hell ... !!! What happened in the Maldives? ... you get alien abducted or summink?!?
Anyway, enough from me (it's past 8 p.m. in Sunny Spain and the best part of a litre has already disappeared ... although I can't imagine where!)
That's it. Signed: An Avid Fan (hope you can't track that quote down!)
Only joking ... keep it up ... good stuff!
Bwearnose Notchees (is that right ... can't tell from where I'm propping myself up!)

Charley I foumd this quite funny but felt that it was too long and could do with losing a bit in the middle somewhere.

The sense of the wife's frustration was there all right and when she turned the tables the husband's discomfort was there too.

I preferred this to your Town Heads pieces as it relied more on comic writing and less on, shall we say, a baser and more manic style.

The Very Reverend
Blenkinsop

Cheers Losaa & Blenki.

It is a long peice and I do apreciate you taking the time to read it. I will have a think about where too cut some out.xx

I can't imagine you running around after your bloke like that. Does he think you're a psycho too???

Charley, I really enjoyed this sketch. There are some very nice touches that make the characters live and breathe (eg the 'dirty birdy' quote). It does need trimming and you will go back to it and make it even better, won't you? There is a possibility that this would look like a sequence from My Family. So, IMO you should ensure that it has real menace and tension but keep the lightness of touch that you are developing in the characters.
You get me, like?

Hey Charley, in case you think I was taking the piss (I've just reviewed my earlier post!) I wasn't ... it really is a good piece IMO.
The thing about the cheap red here (30P a litre, I'm not complaining!) is that it hits you hard for a couple of hours ... but then wears off el rapido! It's now 10pm here and I actually know what day it is again! We all got our little foibles!
Anyway ... good stuff from you ... keep it up. I was also worried about Town Heads ... didn't seem like you at all.

Thanks Fred. I will do.

David what did you think of my sketchy poo & no I would have hacked his arms off so he could not use the phone.

Well - not quite as funny as some of the others but I can see it being real.

Maybe you could make it funnier somehow.

Losaa I never did think you were LOL.x

David very true. I will re look at it.x

Charley, I really liked this one. The characters are much more believable for me. I agree with cutting down. You know, just the normal editing.

Good, very good. A bit long-winded, and my personal preference is the more "out-of-this-world" characters over realistic ones which i can relate to other people, but other than those two minor criticisms i liked it. Probably best to cut down as some have said.