Better Days Sitcom - First 3 Scenes

Hi all, I've just written an episode for a sitcom I'm working on called 'Better Days'. Set in Brighton, the show follows the trials and tribulations of 3 generations of the dysfunctional all male family The Egertons. Below is the first three scenes from the episode 'Cons & Robbers'. Its the first thing I've written so if you could provide some feedback it would be appreciated!

Thanks,
Andrew

SCENE 1. EXT. GOLF COURSE . DAY.
HAIR SLICKED BACK WITH A CRICKET
JUMPER WRAPPED DASHINGLY ACROSS
HIS SHOULDERS, ERIC SWAGGERS
TOWARDS THE TEE BOX. HE'S LOOKING
SUAVE AND HE GOD DAMN KNOWS IT.
LINING UP A SHOT HE POKES HIS
BACKSIDE OUT FOR THE LADIES, THEY
LOVE IT. THE BALL FLIES IMPRESSIVELY
DOWN THE FAIRWAY. ERIC STRUTS TO
'TIME OF THE SEASON' BY THE ZOMBIES.

GRANDAD NEV:
Great shot Eric.

ERIC:
You don't need to tell me, I saw it.

CLIVE:
Congratulations on the record profits, you've been
nominated for businessman of the year again.

ERIC:
(To Robson) Better put another shelf on that trophy
cabinet.

ROBSON:
Sure thing dad.

LATINO ADMIRER:
(Seductively) Hey mister, you wanna come to our
apartmento? We gotta new hot tub.

ANN:
No, he's mine. I don't care about the past anymore, I
just want you back. Let me cook you Filet Mignon then
listen to your many witty anecdotes.

ERIC:
I've got a conference call with Kofi Annan then the bigwigs
at Brylcreem wanna speak to me.
The offers have been flying in since my Armani shoot.
See if my secretary can schedule you in.

SECRETARY:
The clinic called, they've had to cancel your operation.

ERIC:
But God damn it I need that penis reduction! Ask my
surgeon to lug a python round in his trousers all day.
See how he likes it.

SECRETARY:
It is a monster Mr. Egerton. I'll reschedule.

GRANDAD NEV:
(Hazy) Eric...Eric... Eric...

ERIC:
(Hazy) It's a monster...

ERIC'S UTOPIAN DREAM IS BROKEN. BACK
IN THE REAL WORLD ITS COLD, ITS
RAINING AND ITS EAST SUSSEX. WAITING
UNDER A FRAIL UMBRELLA ROBSON
LOOKS COOL AS EVER WEARING HIS
LEATHER JACKET AND WINKLEPICKERS,
HOWEVER WHEELCHAIR BOUND GRANDAD
NEV IS LOSING HIS PATIENCE.

GRANDAD NEV:
Eric! Will you bloody hurry up, my balls have shrivelled
up like walnuts!

ERIC:
(Disorientated) Oh right...sorry.

ERIC SQUATS IN A UNORTHODOX POSE AS
HE PREPARES HIS SHOT. THE BALL
PLUMMETS DISAPPOINTINGLY INTO A
DINGY LAKE, INJURING A PADDLING DUCK.

ERIC:
For fak sake!

RAGING ERIC CATAPULTS HIS 3 WOOD
INTO THE AIR, ACCIDENTALLY FINISHING
OFF THE HELPLESS MALLARD.

ERIC:
Pass me another ball.

ROBSON:
That was your last one.

ERIC:
Well pass me one of yours!

ROBSON THROWS THE LATEST EMPTY
PACKET INTO THE NOW OVERFLOWING
BIN OF FORMER FAILURES. HE CHUCKS
HIS FATHER ANOTHER BALL AS A PAIR OF
AFFLUENT YET NOTICEABLY PETITE
GOLFERS PASS.

HAMISH'S SIDEKICK:
(To Hamish) I don't anticipate you having the slightest
bother defending your title this year Hamish.

HAMISH:
Entirely concur old lad, have you seen the competition?

HAMISH'S SIDEKICK:
Play nice.

HAMISH:
(To Eric) Will you be enrolling in this years annual
engagement?

ERIC:
I don't do competitions. Not since they wouldn't let me
enter myself for father of the year. Apparently the
mongy kid has to do it.

HAMISH:
Quite. I suppose you won't be intrigued by what's first
prize then?

ERIC:
Quite. (Pause) Wait, first prize?

HAMISH UNZIPS HIS WATERPROOFS TO
REVEAL A SPARKLING GOLDEN SUIT
JACKET, ITS SO GLITZY EVEN ELTON JOHN
WOULD THINK IT'S A BIT MUCH. ERIC IS
DRAWN LIKE A SCOTSMAN TO A SALE.

ERIC:
(Mesmerized) The Golden Blazer... It does exist. So
beautiful.

ROBSON:
Are we looking at the same jacket?

HAMISH:
Nine carrot gold buttons, over 1,000 hand stitched
sequins and a little pocket to put your pencil in. It's what
we compete for every year.

ERIC:
I must have it.

HAMISH'S SIDEKICK:
I'm afraid this is the closest your kind will ever get.

HAMISH:
Unless you can repair that broken swing of yours. But
you'll need a bloody good genie for a wish that big.

AS THE SNICKERING DUO MOVE ON, ERIC
FINALLY DEVISES A COMEBACK.

ERIC:
(Shouts) Yeah well say hi to your five brothers.

ROBSON:
What the hell was that?

ERIC:
What? You know, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

ROBSON:
I heard what you said, but it took you like nine seconds.

ERIC:
So?

ROBSON:
You can't comeback after nine seconds, that's way
past cut-off. You get three, four tops. Everyone knows
that.

ERIC:
There's no cut-off.

GRANDAD NEV:
(To Eric) He's right, you get four seconds. That's why
they call it a quip not a slowp.

ROBSON:
You don't need that tacky coat anyway.

ERIC:
It's not just a coat, it's everything it represents. The
respect, the power, the clout. I bet a jacket like that
would get you into places.

ROBSON:
The only place that jacket will get you into is Butlins.

GRANDAD NEV:
He'll never win, so why even bother trying? The only
thing Eric ever won was a kids beauty pageant and
that's only 'cause our village had a severe outbreak of
the mumps. (Pause) And even that was a close call.

ROBSON:
You just need to practise.

ERIC:
Screw that. If practise makes perfect, and nobody's
perfect... why practise?

ROBSON:
Good point.

CUT TO:

SCENE 2. INT. LOUNGE. EVENING.
ERIC IS SLUMPED ON THE COUCH
WATCHING TELEVISION, ONE HAND DOWN
HIS TROUSERS HE GAWKS UPON
BABESTATION. MUSH THE BULLMASTIFF
SNIFFS HER PRIVATES AS A BLONDE
SEDUCTIVELY REVEALS THE 10 MINUTE
FREEVIEW IS ONLY SECONDS AWAY, ERIC
IS OVERWHELMED WITH ANTICIPATION. AS
THE FREEVIEW BEGINS THERE'S A
DISTURBING THUD AT THE DOOR, HE
IGNORES BUT IT PERSISTS. ERIC
GRUDGINGLY OPENS TO RIVAL
NEIGHBOUR MARY BRUCE. STOCKY WITH
A MOUTH TO BACK IT UP, MARY IS NOT
THE TYPE OF WOMAN YOU MESS WITH.
SUPPRESSED HUSBAND CLIVE STANDS
RESPECTFULLY IN HER SHADOW.

ERIC:
You've caught me at a bad time, I was just...

ERIC ATTEMPTS TO SHUT THE DOOR
HOWEVER MARY PLUNKS HER HEFTY SIZE
NINES IN THE WAY.

MARY:
(Interrupts) This won't take a minute.

ERIC GAZES LONGINGLY AT BABESTATION,
THE FREEVIEW IS UNDERWAY. HE'S
HANDED MUG SHOTS OF A BEARDED MAN.

ERIC:
Was this you pre-op?

CLIVE TRIES TO DISGUISE HIS LAUGHTER.

MARY:
Shut up Clive! This is Dennis 'The Menace' McCann,
he's a thief, racketeer and has links with the
Glaswegian Mafia. He's due to be released from prison
next week.

ERIC:
So?

MARY:
So, he's just bought number 23 and I for one don't want
him as a neighbour. He once bludgeoned a woman with
a TV remote.

ERIC CLASPS HIS DOG CHEWED TV
REMOTE TIGHTLY.

ERIC:
Maybe she interrupted his special time.

MARY:
I've called a neighbourhood watch meeting to discuss
what the community is going to do about it. We can kick
him out if we all agree.

ERIC:
Let me get this straight, he's served his time right?

MARY:
Well... yes.

ERIC:
Then he should be allowed to get on with his life.

CLIVE:
That's what I said.

MARY:
I said shut up Clive!

ERIC:
Just leave this Dennis alone, and that goes for me too.

ERIC AGAIN TRIES TO SHUT THE DOOR
BUT MARY EASILY OUT MUSCLES HIM.

MARY:
I thought you'd say that, so I went to the liberty of
following you for the past two days.
I've taken some interesting snaps that I'm sure
everyone would love to see.

ERIC SNATCHES THE INCRIMINATING
POLAROIDS.

ERIC:
Give me those!

MARY:
That's you stealing Tony's paper, and there's you
taking your vile dog for a toilet break on Val's lawn. Oh
yes, and here's you denting Kevin Connolly's parked
car then writing a note blaming Japanese Exchange
Students.

ERIC:
Interesting. (Pause) Would you like me to bring any
snacks?

MARY:
I thought you'd say that as well.

PEEVED ERIC SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT AND
RETURNS TO HIS COMFY CHAIR. THE
FREEVIEW HAS FINISHED.
CUT TO:

SCENE 3. EXT. BRIGHTON SEAFRONT. DAY.
ROBSONS GUITAR CASE FILLS WITH CASH
AS PASSING SHOPPERS ENJOY THE
PERFORMANCE. ARTHUR, A TATTERED
HOMELESS MAN ACCOMPANIED BY A
BOTTLE OF TESCO VALUE GIN AND THE
POORLY WRITTEN SIGN 'GAMMY LEG SO
GIMMI MONIY' NOTICES ROBSONS
SUCCESS. THE CROWD APPLAUD AS ROB
DECIDES TO GRAB A COFFEE, ARTHUR
HOPS UP AND PINCHES HIS PLACE.
ROBSON RETURNS.

ROBSON:
Excuse me, I think your in my spot.

ARTHUR:
(Cough) I'm sorry son but you wouldn't wanna disturb a
war veteran (Cough) with a bad leg would you?

ROBSON:
No, course not. (Sceptical) A veteran of which war?

ARTHUR:
The err... Great Warm War. (Heavy Cough)

ROBSON:
The Great Warm War?

ARTHUR:
We lost many a good man that moderately hot day.

ROBSON SWIPES THE BOTTLE OF GIN,
ARTHUR JUMPS UP WITH THE REFLEXES
OF A RUSSIAN GYMNAST.

ROBSON:
Your leg seems fine to me, hop it Baryshnikov!

ARTHUR:
Make me.

THE BICKERING DUO ARE BROKEN UP BY
THE ATTRACTIVE BRUNETTE PAIGE.
HER CAPTIVATING BROWN EYES
IMMEDIATELY GRAB ROBSONS
ATTENTION.

PAIGE:
Arthur! What have I told you? You don't steal a fellow
homeless persons spot.

ROBSON:
I'm not...

PAIGE:
(Interrupts) And back on the gin, I'm so disappointed.
Right you can go now and I'll see you down the shelter
tonight, that's your last warning mister.

ARTHUR:
(Sheepish) Sorry Paige.

THEY HUG. ROBSON AND ARTHUR
EXCHANGE FINGER GESTURES BEHIND
PAIGES BACK.

PAIGE:
He's a bit cheeky that one, heart of gold though.

ROBSON:
So you volunteer at the shelter?

PAIGE:
I try and help out, you know cook a meal and listen to
their stories.

ROBSON:
I have so much respect for that, I should give more. I
do have experience looking after the destitute.

PAIGE:
Don't be daft, you've got your own problems. It must be
so tough living on the street day and night.

ROBSON:
No, I actually live...

PAIGE:
(Interrupts) Come to the shelter tonight, we'll get you
out of those awful clothes.

ROBSON INSPECTS HIS OUTFIT.

ROBSON:
You don't understand...

PAIGE:
(Interrupts) I hear this all the time, your too proud for
help but I insist. Come down tonight and I'll give you a
sponge bath myself. (Winks)

ROBSON:
And the address?

Hi Andrew

I quite enjoyed this. It was amusing rather than laugh out loud (for me anyway), but I could see potential in the idea and it looked like you were gearing up for a good well-structured story. Obviously you need to keep that up and round of the story in a satsifying way, but it's a nice start.

Thanks for having a read and the feedback, much appreciated.

There were lots of funny bits in this, but it didn't flow very well, probably because it was difficult working out who was who.

I enjoyed this and laughed quite regularly. I think it has a lot of potential.

Two minor points though are that it seemed to jump around a bit(before getting to a story line). And beginning with a dream sequence has been done many times before and it seemed obvious (to me anyway) that it was one.

I would suggest (if you haven't already) read the Frazier scripts, especially the pilot script.

Thanks for the advice all. I have previously considered dropping the dream sequence because like you said its been done before, just found it a great way to show the reader what kind of person Eric would like to be. Will have a think!

I will have a read of the Frazier pilot, I'm sure that will help. I'm just making my way through the complete Blackadder scripts at the mo... which I defiantly recommend!

I have added the next three scenes from my episode 'Cons & Robbers'. Again, any feedback would be greatly appreciated!

SCENE 4. INT. MARY & CLIVES LOUNGE. EVENING.
THE RESIDENTS OF MILL LANE ARE
CRAMMED INTO A TYPICAL SUBURBAN
LOUNGE, TEA AND A SELECTION OF
FANCY BISCUITS ARE SERVED. AS ERIC
ATTEMPTS TO SQUEEZE HIMSELF ONTO
THE COUCH HE NOTICES A SELECTION OF
WREATHS AND FLOWER BOUQUETS.

ERIC:
Someone die recently?

MARY:
Yes my mother.

KEVIN CONNOLLY:
If I ever meet the Jap's that scratched my Audi...

KEVIN MIMIC'S A THROAT BEING SLIT, ERIC
GULPS IN FEAR. MARY STANDS UPRIGHT
IN A DOMINEERING POSE. SHE TAKES
CHARGE.

MARY:
I've gathered you here tonight so we can protect our
homes against the menacing threat of Dennis McCann.
We must take urgent action!

RESIDENTS:
(Together) Yeah!

THE RESIDENTS FOLLOW MARY'S EVERY
WORD LIKE SHEEP, WHO IS ENJOYING THE
ROLE OF SHEPHERD. ERIC IS FAR TOO
ENGROSSED IN HIS SCRABBLE APP TO
GIVE A TOSS.

CLIVE:
Pssst Eric, when am I getting my lawn mower back?

ERIC PRETENDS NOT TO HEAR AS HE
CASTS AN EYE ACROSS HIS LETTERS. F P K
C N R I.

ERIC:
(To himself) Is fink a word?

MARY:
So what if he's served his sentence, can we risk it?

RESIDENTS:
(Together) No!

MARY:
Do you really want to live next door to Scotsman?

RESIDENTS:
(Together) No!

MARY:
And just because he's a former golf professional with
an impressive PGA Tour record, does that change
anything?

ERIC:
Yes! I mean no.

ERIC SITS UP LIKE A BOLT OF LIGHTNING'S
BEEN SHOVED UP HIM. HE TAKES A
SUDDEN INTEREST.

ERIC:
(To himself) Golf pro?

ERIC USES HIS BLACKBERRY TO
INVESTIGATE.

ERIC:
(To himself) (Excited) He only bloody won two majors
before getting nicked!

MARY:
All in favour of blocking Mr. McCann's application say I.

RESIDENTS:
(Together) I.

MARY:
All opposed say nay.

ERIC:
Wait, wait. Surely this man deserves the benefit of the
doubt.

RESIDENTS:
(Together) Boo!

ERIC:
We've all made mistakes haven't we? Val stealing
Tony's Independent every morning? That's not on. And
Tony your not much better letting your dog do it's
business on Val's lawn.

VAL AND TONY FEROCIOUSLY EYEBALL
EACH OTHER.

ERIC:
And Mary scratching Kevin's Audi and blaming it on
poor Japanese students. Tut tut tut. Listen, we've all
made mistakes but it's forgiveness that brings us back
together. With a little understanding, you can find the
perfect blend. Come on everybody!

RESIDENTS:
(Sing together) Neighbours should be there for one
another, that's when good neighbours become good...
friends.

ERIC:
Now don't worry, I'll take the golf genius... I mean Mr.
McCann under my wing and keep a close eye on him.
Scouts honour.

DOES THE NAZI SALUTE.

ERIC:
And to sweeten the deal, I'll even return all your
possessions free of charge.

THE RESIDENTS REJOICE WITH DELIGHT.
ERIC STANDS BY THE DOOR RECEIVING
PRAISE FOR HIS SELF-SACRIFICING
NATURE. MARY APPROACHES LIKE A
BULLET THROUGH A FLOCK OF DOVES.

ERIC:
(To Clive) What can I say, I live to give.

MARY:
Since when do you give a toss about some crooks
second chance?

ERIC:
(Sings) You know we belong together...

MARY:
(Interrupts) Will you stop with the Aussie shit!

CLIVE:
Give Eric a break, he's only trying to help his fellow
man.

MARY:
The only man he's ever interested in helping is himself.
Trust me. (To Eric) You might be able to fool this lot but
you can't pull the wool over my eyes. I know your up to
something, just make sure it doesn't involve me you fat
prick!

ERIC GLANCES AT HIS SCRABBLE APP.

ERIC:
Prick! Cheers Mary, Triple Word Score.

CUT TO:

SCENE 5. INT. LOUNGE. EVENING.
THE THREE EGERTON'S ARE JOINED AT
THE DINNER TABLE BY MAN MOUNTAIN
DENNIS 'THE MENACE' MCCANN. IF GIANT
HAYSTACKS AND BIGFOOT COULD BEAR
CHILDREN, TOOTHLESS DENNIS WOULD
BE THE OFFSPRING. THE FAMILY
CAUTIOUSLY TUCK INTO THE LANCASHIRE
HOT POT... THE UNCOMFORTABLE
SILENCE IS FINALLY BROKEN BY A BROAD
GLASWEGIAN ACCENT.

DENNIS:
Those wretched neighboors are makin mah life hell.
Protesting in meh garden they ur. Day and night.
Chanting. Shouting. Some sick bastard even let their
dog do a jobby on meh front porch.

CULPABLE ERIC NERVOUSLY SCRATCHES
HIMSELF.

DENNIS:
I'll tell ye, prison was a breeze compared ta livin on thes
wee street.

ERIC:
Someone should disrupt their homes, see how the half
wits like that.

DENNIS:
Aye.

ROBSON:
How did you end up in the big house? Get caught?

DENNIS SLAMS HIS FIST ON THE TABLE.

DENNIS:
I wis framed! By the honourable Judge Holmes. He
wanted meh behin bars fur years.

ROBSON:
How come?

DENNIS:
Jealous of my success. I saw the wee grin on his fece
when he passed sentence, he took pleasure in it. On
that day I promised te seek revenge. Mah reprisal will
hit him like a thousand rusty nails piercing his limp
lifeless skin, his grin will soon turn inta an excruciating
grimace of undeniable pain.

ERIC:
That's lovely, more peas anyone?

GRANDAD NEV:
You get bummed?

ERIC:
Grandad! (Pause) Did you?

DENNIS:
Na.

ERIC:
(Nonchalantly) So... I guess you must be itching for a
round of golf?

DENNIS:
Those deys are long gone.

ERIC:
But you were good, really good. Surely you wanna get
back out there? Breath in that fresh autumn air, grip
that long shaft.

GRANDAD NEV:
He had enough of that in prison.

DENNIS:
I told you no!

DENNIS SLAMS HIS FIST ON THE TABLE,
THIS TIME SO HARD THE TELEPHONE
FALLS AND SMASHES INTO PIECES.

ERIC:
OK OK. (Pause) (Bravely) It's just I do have a big
tournament coming up and could really do with your
expertise. I did resolve your housing predicament.

DENNIS STARES FEROCIOUSLY AT ERIC AS
ROBSON AND GRANDAD NEV SQUIRM
AGONISINGLY INTO THEIR SEATS. THE
FIXED STARE GRADUALLY SOFTENS INTO
A BEAMING GRIM.

DENNIS:
You know wha pal? I will help yous out. Yer gonna have
the grandest swing on the south coast by the time I'm
finished with ye.

ERIC:
(Surprised) Thanks. But why the change of heart?

DENNIS:
The Code. It's a wee something I learnt in the clink,
yous scratch mah back and I'll scratch yours. And for
your end of the bargain yous can pick me up tomorrow
night, don't tell anyone and dress discreet.

ERIC:
My end of the bargain? But me resolving your housing
predicament, that was my end. You've seen my end.

DENNIS:
Ye do want to win this wee tournament?

ERIC:
Yes but...

DENNIS:
(Interrupts) And you wouldn't want to make an enemy
in meh would yous Eric?

ERIC:
No, but...

DENNIS:
(Interrupts) See ye tomorrow then pal, bring yer motur.

DENNIS DOWNS HIS PINT THEN SLAMS IT
ONTO THE GRUBBY DINING TABLE. HE
GETS UP AND LEAVES.

ROBSON:
Well that sounds about as lawful as a Gary Glitter
creche in Manila. You shouldn't get involved with his
type.

GRANDAD NEV:
He's right. I know trouble and that mans trouble.

ERIC:
Did you not hear? I'll have the best swing in Sussex.

ROBSON:
Did you not hear? The rusty nails, the vengeance, the
grimace of undeniable pain!

ERIC:
Relax he's Scottish, name me something bad a
Scotsman's ever done?

ROBSON AND GRANDAD NEV SHARE A
CONCERNED STARE.

ERIC:
Exactly.

CUT TO:

SCENE 6. INT. HOMELESS SHELTER. NIGHT.
ROBSON ENTERS THE LIVELY SHELTER AS
THE REGULARS PLAY POKER AND TUCK
INTO SOME MUCH NEEDED GRUB.
ROBSON CATCHES PAIGES EYE FROM
ACROSS THE ROOM, SHE APPROACHES AS
ROBSON WIPES DROOL FROM HIS CHIN.

PAIGE:
Hey, you made it.

ROBSON:
(Nervously) Wow you look...

PAIGE:
Nice?

ROBSON:
Really nice. Paige we need to talk, I'm not...

PAIGE:
(Interrupts) Tell me later. First lets get you into a nice
hot shower.

ROBSON:
That's the thing you've got me all wrong...

PAIGE:
(Interrupts) You talk more than those prune faced
windbags on loose woman. Now go! I picked you up
some clothes from the charity shop, they're hung up.

ROBSON IS SHOVED INTO THE
BATHROOM. HE RETURNS WEARING A
PURPLE SHELL SUIT AND TWO KLEENEX
BOXES FOR SHOES.
ROBSON:

I'm not sure it's quite me.

PAIGE:
You look fine. Now lets get some food in you.

GENTLEMANLY ROBSON PULLS OUT A
PLASTIC CHAIR FOR PAIGE. AS THEY SIT
ROBSON NOTICES ARTHUR READING A
NEWSPAPER WITH THE HEADLINE '40 YEAR
ANNIVERSARY OF THE GREAT WARM WAR'.
ARTHUR POINTS IRATELY AT THE
CAPTION. THE WORLDS MOST
UNHYGIENIC WAITER APPROACHES AND
HANDS THE COUPLE A PAIR OF SCRAGGY
MENU'S.

SWEATY WAITER:
On today's specials board we have mouldy peppers
stuffed with rat or Aldi's own brand lasagne.

ROBSON:
Ughh! I'll have the peppers.

PAIGE:
Me too. (To Robson) So come on, tell me about
yourself.

ROBSON:
What do you want to know?

PAIGE:
Everything. How did you end up on the street?

ROBSON:
I don't wanna bore you with that.

PAIGE:
Oh please, I really want to know. I'm drawn by tragic
stories... it kind of turns me on. Is that weird?

ROBSON:
A little bit. But I did date a girl with webbed hands, so I
guess it's not that weird. Great swimmer though.

PAIGE SEDUCTIVELY RUNS HER DELICATE
FINGERS ACROSS ROBSONS HAND. SHE'S
FLIRTING.

ROBSON:
(Playfully) These aren't webbed are they?

ROBSON PULLS HER FINGERS CLOSE TO
HIS EYES FOR A CLOSER INSPECTION.

ROBSON:
Are they!? No, course not.

PAIGE:
(Seductively) Tell me what happened.

ROBSON:
Daddy first abandoned me on Christmas Eve.

Hi Andrew,

Thanks for sharing - there are some very funny moments in this episode. I particularly like: the whole Audi conceit, the use of 'prick' for Scrabble, the bathos between Denis' gruesome threats and Eric's 'That's lovely, more peas anyone?', the 'warm war' payoff, the peppers/Aldi lasagne line ('urghh! I'll have the peppers').
Those were all LOL moments for me - things I'd think about changing/losing are: line about the Gary Glitter creche in Manila (bit yawnsome), and the 'tell me something bad a Scotsman's ever done' (too vague). Also, you might want to look at your female characters - pretty 2D as it stands and not likely to score too highly with a female audience.
Overall though I really like what you've written - I'm writing my first sitcom myself and it's really useful to see what others in my situation are producing. It's definitely motivated me to up my game (i.e. get my arse off Facebook). Keep going! Cheers, Kate

Hi Kate, thanks for reading, really glad it made you laugh.

Will take your comments on board, defiantly agree regarding Paige, I think she needs a bit more development.

And get some of your stuff on here, I'd like to have a read!
Cheers,
Andrew