Liquor Store Scene from my sitcom

Xander and Lily are two high profile avant-garde artists. They are buying liquor to take to a board meeting for their regional project.

#2
(At the counter of a liquor store)

Lily: I'm lookinf for a man- he came in - he's pale - he's fat...

Xander: Lily, I'm here.

Lily: We need Gin, have you got Gin.

Xander: It's a board meeting, not a piss-up.

Lily: Keep it social, Xander...

Xander: That's why I've got the wine.

Lily: Get some Gin!

Xander: We're over budget.

Lily: Put some wine back

Xander: We've spent all the food money.

Lily: Just shut up and buy it.

Xander: You're an alcoholic, Lily.

Lily: (seeing people staring) Well, why are you here?

What do we think?

Anyone?

PERHAPS...

XANDER: Liquors, Lily?

LILY: Can if you want, but 'I'm f**ked if I'll lick yours!

I don't want the humour to be that tasteless, blunt or undergraduate - while being risque, it should err on the side of sophistication, rather than immaturity. I also want dialogue that happens to be amusing - not gags.

This is just the same chunk you posted the other day!

It's okay, but nothing really happens other than they're buying alcohol, so it doesn't really qualify as a proper scene. Also, heavy drinking/alcoholic characters are slightly cliched nowadays - not least since your comedy hero has mined that vein quite extensively.

I'm afraid a professional reader will haul a plough through your field of sophisticate dreams. They will want at least one good gag per page. That's the bad news. The good news is you only posted half a page here.

Quote: chipolata @ March 23 2011, 1:33 PM GMT

This is just the same chunk you posted the other day!

It's okay, but nothing really happens other than they're buying alcohol, so it doesn't really qualify as a proper scene. Also, heavy drinking/alcoholic characters are slightly cliched nowadays - not least since your comedy hero has mined that vein quite extensively.

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Yes! I just like feedback on the dialogue and thought it would be less disjointed if I posted it as a part of a scene, not among a collection of banter. I have recognised the alcoholic thing long ago - most of the comedies that I like, not just those by JS, feature characters who are alcoholic or somehow self indulgent or unruly.

Quote: Mark T @ March 24 2011, 12:03 AM GMT

I'm afraid a professional reader will haul a plough through your field of sophisticate dreams. They will want at least one good gag per page. That's the bad news. The good news is you only posted half a page here.

View original

I can well believe many of them will - look at the majority of what is commissioned. I will not go to the level of vulgarity suggested above, however, as I am sure producers don't expect that. I hope that I can find just one producer someday who will want something a little less obvious - and that I won't have to sell out too much.

In the meantime, I am working on the concept for a 'family sitcom' in a more regular format. It's about living with a guy who has heavy aspergers. The other characters are his parents and a lodger. It will be a little warmer.

Quote: ToddB @ March 24 2011, 1:01 AM GMT

I have recognised the alcoholic thing long ago - most of the comedies that I like, not just those by JS, feature characters who are alcoholic or somehow self indulgent or unruly.

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I appreciate you like those characters but maybe you should try and subvert them in some way, otherwise it just looks like immitation. Try and think of a way to put a fresh ToddB spin on the alcoholic character.

Could you give us a complete scene - this is just a snippet. Not much to review. Is it set in America ? Why are artists having boardroom meetings ?

Out of context this scene doen't realy hang together.

I will be putting up a scene soon, perhaps an episode.

I work in the arts - and believe me - I have to go to plenty of committee and board meetings and there is no shortage of paperwork!