New comedy idea, first 10 pages

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Any feedback would be most welcome.

Hello Mooky

I've just read this through. There was a couple of good things. The joke about the email of stud horses & Thai girls going to the Nan was funny but it's delivery and set up were a bit long handed and clunky. I was concerned that the script extract was not going anywhere but just near the end we do get the start of the plot. Ideally I think this needs to come in earlier than at the end of your ten pages.

Although there was the odd differences, especially Michael to an extent, overall I found your three characters very 'samey'. For the most part it seemed like three lads bouncing banter back and forth without a whole lot of direction - for ten pages. The dialogue also seemed a bit long winded and overly complicated in its execution and it didn't flow as well as it could. And to be honest I didn't find it that funny, but that could be that my humour simply differs to yours.

I certainly didn't hate it but it didn't do a lot for me I'm afraid.

What would I do if it was me? Well I'd probably want to scrap a lot of the banter over the first eight or so pages. Perhaps a bit to establish the type of guys they are but then move straight to the 'did you get the memo' bit and start to get that plot moving. Of course, this all comes after you have it clear in your mind who all your characters are, what makes them tick and how the conflict with play out between them.

Have a look at some scripts either online such as BBC writers room or in books such as, Fawlty Towers, The Office, or anything really, and see how crisp and simple the dialogue looks on the page and see how well the information moves between each character which in turn moves the story forward.

I hope you don't mind all the above. It's just my opinion but I am being honest in what I think.

Def.

Hi Def thanks for the feedback it's been very useful.

The characters being 'samey' is something that I'm trying to work on. I seem to have the problem of trying to write new characters, but with the protagonist still in mind.

I can certainly see that some segments of dialogue are rather clunky and will defo work on making them flow alot better. I will do a good edit of stripping back some unwanted banter and reveil the plot earlier in the scene.

thanks again Def.

I haven't had time to read it yet, but if you've made the script as funny or funnier than the line:

Quote: Mooky @ March 22 2011, 5:42 PM GMT

Please excuse any bad grammer of spelling.

View original

Then you're on a winner.

Quote: Afinkawan @ March 23 2011, 10:29 AM GMT

I haven't had time to read it yet, but if you've made the script as funny or funnier than the line:

Then you're on a winner.

View original

It's all down hill from that point.

Mooky,

There's a famous clown, who works Blackpool tower called Mooky - are you the same person. If so I love you're comic timing.

With you piece - flet there was something in there. Your humour is different, liked the "she still shares a bath" line. But would agrea with many other the earlier comments. Not sure many would relate to the conversations/characters. Humour was quiet thin in places. But a good start.

He's my uncle. We don't speak anymore I'm afraid. Owes me money. Yeah I've done an entirely new edit with this. Took the advice on board and it seems to be flowing alot better. Still working with the characters, but all in all it's reading alot better. Thanks for ya feedback Nick.

Hi Mooky,

I read about the first 3rd of this and then I'm afraid I lost interest. As Def said in his post, I too felt your characters didn't really have enough differences between them and so consequently the dialogue, for me, just became like one long monologue.

I will go back and have another go at this as I think it's been mentioned that a story does eventually kick in. But the reason I gave up when I did was because I felt that what I was reading was a rather like an endless bit of banter, seemingly delivered by one character and not three.

I think if you read your script (if one reads one's script) and if you find that virtually any of the characters could have said any of the lines then that needs fixing.

I think you need to get into it quicker and prune a lot of the extraneous banter right back to the bare minimum.

Sorry not to be more positive.

There were some good exchanges in this. I liked Michaels deadpan remarks and at times it was a bit Inbetweeners-esque and a little David Brent. I would agree that it could be trimmed and the story could be a bit more fluid. Nothing much had happened between the beginning and the end.

There are some genuinely funny exchanges in this though and by trimming back the fat and giving us a bit more of a story it could be very good.

Thanks guys for the feedback, it's really helped with the new draft. I've cut some unwanted banter and spread it out over other scenes.

I will stick the new draft up for you all to read so please feel free to give me sme more honest feed back.

Cheers