EXT. FARM - DAY
JAMES AND SARAH (30-SOMETHING COUPLE) FOLLOW GERALD (FARMER) THROUGH A MUDDY FIELD.
GERALD
We keep 'em in't barn up 'ere. It's not too far.
SARAH
I'm glad I brought my wellies.
GERALD
(UNDER HIS BREATH) Bloody townies.
CUT TO:
INT. BARN - DAY
GERALD, SARAH AND JAMES ENTER THE BARN. TWO PREGNANT WOMEN ARE FLUSH-FACED AND HUFFING AND PUFFING ON BALES OF HAY, WHILST ANOTHER TWO ARE BREAST-FEEDING BABIES. A NUMBER OF BABIES ARE CRAWLING AROUND AND PLAYING WITH TOYS ON THE FLOOR.
SARAH
Aw, James, look at them.
JAMES
Yeah...cute.
GERALD
Any of them take your fancy?
SARAH
They all look gorgeous, don't they James? (JAMES IS NONPLUSSED)
ONE OF THE PREGNANT WOMEN BEGINS TO SQUEAL OOV.
CUT TO:
PREGNANT WOMAN CRADLING A NEWBORN ON THE BALE OF HAY.
GERALD
D'you want that one?
JAMES
Maybe once it's been cleaned up a bit.
JAMES LAUGHS, GERALD DOESN'T RECIPROCATE.
GERALD
Well, people often tek'em with placenta. Meks good gravy.
JAMES LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.
GERALD
Have you seen any that tek ya fancy?
JAMES
I think Sarah might have her eyes set on that little one.
SARAH IS KNEELING DOWN PLAYING WITH ONE OF THE BABIES.
SARAH
Look, James, she'd be almost perfect; she looks so much like me.
SARAH PUTS HER FACE UP NEXT TO THE BABY'S AND SMILES CHEESILY.
JAMES
Well, have a play with the others before you make your mind up, eh?
GERALD
Right then, let's cut to the chase, how many do you want?
JAMES
How many? We were only looking to adopt one today, but in the future when we've got around to painting the box room, maybe...
GERALD
Just the one?
JAMES
Well, we'd have enough on our plate with one.
GERALD
But they come in bulks of ten.
SARAH
Bulks of ten?...Why?
GERALD
Well, you won't get much meat from one, will you?
THEY LAUGH NERVOUSLY; GEOFF STAYS STONY-FACED.
SARAH
You're selling them for meat?!
GERALD
Well, why else would you want 'em.
SARAH
(DUMB-FOUNDED) For...meat?
GERALD
Yes. Well, if you're not interested, could you bugger off because I've got serious buyers to see.
SARAH
Oh no, we're serious, aren't we darling?
JAMES
Uhm, yes?
SARAH
(INSISTENT) Yes! We are. Could we take...all of them, please?
GERALD
(SUSPICIOUSLY) All of them?
SARAH
Yes, all of them
GERALD
You will be using them for meat won't you?
THE COUPLE LOOK AT ONE ANOTHER
SARAH
Oh yes, of course, won't we darling?
JAMES
Uhm, yeah, I suppose so; if you're sure.
SARAH
(LOOKING SERIOUS TO JAMES) Yes, definitely.
JAMES
Well, I suppose we could have baby stroganoff a few nights and I could make a load of spaghetti Bolognese with baby mince and freeze it if you don't mind leftovers?
SARAH
(FROWNING) Uhm...yes...of course, yes! So we'll take all of them, please.
GERALD
Ok, then. Well, I'll process the order for you and you should have them in about two weeks.
CUT TO:
EXT. FARM CAR PARK - DAY
SARAH
How peculiar was that? I'm just glad we'll be getting those babies away from him.
JAMES
Yeah. Although I was surprised you're prepared to eat baby meat; quite adventurous for you.
SARAH
What? We're not actually going to eat them!
JAMES
Ha, no of course not, I was only joking.
SARAH DISGUSTED LOOKS AT JAMES WHO LOOKS GUILTY.
END OF SKETCH
