Bones & Ashe - Part 1

Thought I'd better write something today, so here goes:

Bones & Ashe Part 1 - Uncle Henry

EXT – DayBusy High Street

JAMES and LOUISE pause outside a ‘shop’. The sign over the door reads: ‘Bones & Ashe, Funeral Directors. Est. 1876’.

JAMES: This looks promising.

They enter.

INT – DayBones & Ashe front office

The dingy office is empty. There is a small bell on the counter. James presses it (F/X TING). Louise is quietly sobbing.

JAMES: Where is everybody?

F/XSound of flushing loo from rear of premises

Mr Ashe enters, somberly dressed, adjusting his belt and buttoning his coat.

ASHE: Ah, so sorry to keep you. My name’s Ashe… how can I help you?

JAMES: [spoken with lump in throat] Uncle Henry… yesterday… so sudden… [there are louder sobs from Louise, James consoles her]…

ASHE: … and in your hour of need you have come to my humble establishment. Pray, tell me, where is the (uhm) deceased?

JAMES: In our conservatory…

ASHE: Oh, our Premium service then. It covers all aspects… transport of the deceased into our care… obtaining the correct paperwork… preparation of the (uhm) remains… providing your choice of casket… and a room in our Chapel of Rest where friends and relatives may pay their last respects…

[Ashe clenches his hands together, looks toward ceiling, quite carried away with the serenity of it all]

ASHE: [continues] and the cortage… the flowers… arrangements with the vicar … all at a very competitive price… a mere [quietly] 10,483 pounds (plus VAT of course)… we take care of everythi…

JAMES: [cutting Ashe off] I’m not sure all that is necessary. Something less (uh) grand perhaps. It’s what Uncle Henry would’ve preferred I think.

ASHE: [looking a little disappointed]. No problem Sir. Perhaps our [pauses] Grade 2 service might be more appropriate. We of course collect the remains… the casket is our 23R/16 budget model (but nevertheless quite accommodating)… we provide refrigerated storage facilities in the rear of our premises (although not quite so suitable for viewing by the dear friends of the deceased)… we naturally arrange transport to the final resting place… but in that case we use the quite reasonable services of [again quietly] Gofer Van Hire. [returns to normal speech] That would come to… uhm… 3,417pounds… again plus VAT of cour…

JAMES: [again cutting Ashe off] Hmmm… I’m, afraid even that is a trifle more than we expected to pay, I don’t suppose you…

ASHE: [this time cutting James off] Of course Sir, of course… allow me… [rummages through papers on the counter] could I perhaps suggest our Ultra Budget service… there are those who unkindly refer to this as our ‘Bucket and Chuckit’ option… but these are hard times for us all of course… many of the deceased had hardly more than two pennies to rub together when they finally (uhm) expired… and it’s left to those who remain to sort out…

LOUISE: Bucket and Chuckit… Oh no! Not our Uncle Henry [waves her hands about and sobs even more].

JAMES: [to Louise] Calm down my precious, everything will be alright. [to Ashe] Better tell us about the Ultra Budget option anyway.

ASHE: [looking embarrassed] Well, Bucket and Chuc… sorry… the Ultra Budget service… means we arrange for a skip to be delivered outside the deceased squat… I mean residence… and those left standing deposit the remains therein… and a couple of weeks later… but it could be earlier depending on how whiffy things get (however, please note we cannot be held responsible for any parking tickets the skip may’ve acquired)… the skip is transported to the nearest landfill and… uhm… evacuated. Very reasonably priced… sixteen pounds four shillings and tuppence plus sales tax… as you might imagine we haven’t been asked to do it for a while.

LOUISE: No… Oh no… not Uncle Henry. [pleadingly] James… there must be a better way.

JAMES: [after short thoughtful pause] Well, thankyou Mr Ashe. You’ve given us all the information we need, We’ll be in touch shortly when we’ve decided what best to do.

James and Louise (who is still sobbing, but now almost hysterically) exit Bones & Ashe.

INT – Later same DayJames’ and Louise’s house

James and Louise have entered through the front door and are seen moving towards the back of their house where the conservatory is located.

JAMES: I really don’t know what’s for the best… I… Oh my God… no!!

LOUISE: [dabbing her eyes from all the weeping] What is it my love?

James points to pile of feathers and gore on the conservatory floor.

JAMES: [shouts] The soddin’ cat’s eaten Uncle Henry.

LOUISE: [abruptly pulling herself together] There… I told you we were making too much fuss over a dead parrot… you’d better put those bits down the loo… and make sure you flush it properly and put the seat down afterwards… [begins searching around the conservatory] here tibby tibby…come to Mummy.

OK - a bit of a groaner. I didn't see it coming but maybe I should have.

That doesn't mean I didn't like it though.

Hi Mike

Ouch! I didn't see it coming either but did make me smile.

On a practical level, it feels too overwritten to me. I think you could take out quite a lots, particularly Ashe's sales pitches, and still have the same impact.

B

Mike, I really like the darkness of this sketch and part of the pleasure is thinking, 'No he isn't going to...' So not predictable at all; some of the best comedy gives the audience major hinys about what is about to happen and the skill is delaying it and as the writers of Peep Show would say, 'squeezing the pain.'

Hi Mike

As has been said, there's a *lot* of text there and you could probably remove half to two-thirds of the dialogue as it's way too long. The joke is quite good, but I don't think the punchline is strong enough for the amount of build-up.

Needs a few more laughs in certain places. For instance, (and only in my opinion) where Ashe is decribing the 'Premium Service', you're playing it completely straight, listing four or five things that are standard. I reckon you could get four or five one-liners in here, playing it for laughs and it would build the humourous atmosphere of the sketch. I don't think it needs to be too dark as I already 'feel' it's a comedy sketch.

I think you could get consistent (but cheap!) laughs by having Louise trying to answer everything Ashe says but crying hysterically by the time she's reached the second word of her sentence and being completely un-understandable.

Also, I think you've missed a golden opportunity by not calling the funeral directors 'Ashe and Byrne'! Another point on the sign saying 'Est. 1876' -- how about underneath it (in smaller letters) 'Re-Est. 1888, 1895, 1904, 1911, 1927, 1937, 1948, 1960, 1979, 1994 and 2003 (twice)'. Just for a visual.

Dan

Thanks Dan, all useful comments, the straight bit was deliberately that way but could well become funnier when I trim all these pieces down a bit. There are three of these Bones & Ashe pieces so far here ... the third has already drifted off the first page out of view (happy to have you bump a comment on that too!). A fourth is in progress (involving Hell's Angels!) and there will be 8 altogether. The 8 will be pruned together so as to end up with 30 minutes of linked material across the lot of them. Thanks again.

Cool.
I read the 2nd part first then this. I am a numnut. This was even better than the 1st. Well dona losaa.