Skit Comp 20-27.3.11

Grate stuff so congratulations to STEPHEN GOODLAD for winning, no sweat! Get rat-anussed and PM me for next week's topic please.
Hence:
Votes - Points - Name

4 - 10 - Stephen Goodlad
2 - 5 -Ishy, Sean
2 - 1 - Shandonbelle, Reg N, Don P Musey, Angiebaby, Steve Sunshine, Michael Monkhouse, Gerry McDonnell

Your new subject: THE SHOW
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sex or inside leg measurement, except the kid who used to beat me up at school.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's original and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 27.3.11

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

177! - Mr Sunshine
154 - Otterfox
143 - Cool Mikado
141 - Michael Monkhouse
140 - Kasm,
132 - Nigel Kelly
112 - Jebsly
108 - Frankie Rage
104 - Timbo
103 - Charley Rance
98 - Fred Peters
81 - Angiebaby
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
61 - Gerry McDonnell
58 - Ishy
56 - Alex Mahon, Scratchyr
37 - Afinkawan
35 - Don P. Musey
32 - James, Swerytd, Paul Watson
28 - Leevil
26 - Bushbaby, David Chapman
25 - Craig H
23 - Roscoff
22 - Blobster
21 - Mikey J
20 - Stephen Goodlad, James Harris, Kevin Murphy, Dannyjb1, Niteowl, Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
15 - Reg N, Nil Putters, Cinnamon, Dale
13 - Badge, Stephen Birch
12 - Geoff Mutton, Will Cam
11 - Steven
10 - Robo, Nitram Skir, Socrates, Tom Campbell, Tommy Power, Waring
09 - ajp29, ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - The Giggle-O, garyd, Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil, Hellboy, Wayne Lewis, John Kelly, Andrew Lynch
05 - Sean, Shirl the Whirl, Karlos the Great, Drew, Pedros, Summer G, Mannikin Bird, Tumble, Greggles, Happy Shopper, Timothy Marshal-Nichols, Rob B
04 - Shandonbelle, Andy W, losaavedra
02 - Stu R, Imamazed, Slack Bladder, Paul Nash, Boits, Gavin
01 - veedeeplex, Grem, Macca, Ming The Mirthless, Minty, Shpadoinkle, Shaggy292, amillionpounds, Jake How, David Bussell, Charisma, Skibbington von Skubber, Ginger Jesus, Nick Rivers, Daddy Maz, Martin Bickle, Batman, Ray Dawson, Marion, Tooting Jo

Any ballsups, PM me please.

PAM AND DAVE ARE LOOKING AT THE NEWSPAPER ADVERTS.

PAM -
How about Billy Elliott? Mum would love that.

DAVE -
I'm not sitting watching blokes in tights.

PAM -
It's Mum's birthday treat.

DAVE -
Yeah, but we've got to sit through it with her.

PAM -
Alright, how about Cats?

DAVE -
Nah, you know I'm allergic.

PAM-
You great wally, they're not real cats!

DAVE -
I know that, but just the thought of them gives me the jitters. DAVE POINTS AT THE PAPER. Death Race! That's more like it!

PAM -
We can't take Mum to see that!

DAVE -
Why not? She's a right blood-thirsty bint!

PAM -
No she's not!

DAVE -
Cast your mind back, my sweetheart! Spain? The bullfight?

PAM -
She only finished the job off. The matador seemed a bit squeamish!

DAVE -
You're only supposed to kill the bull, not hack off enough for the next barbecue!

PAM -
Alright, what about Les Miserables?

DAVE -
Nah, too much like a home from home!

PAM -
Oh thanks. Mamma Mia?

DAVE -
It's a bit girly.......but I wouldn't mind Calendar Girls.

PAM -
No, I bet you wouldn't! All those boobs bouncing about!

DAVE -
No, they cover them up with cherry buns, and melons, and...

PAM -
Oh, stop slavering! I'd be too embarrassed that you'd start drooling everywhere.

PAMS PHONE BLEEPS.

PAM -
Oh, I've got a text message. It's from Mum. "Don't worry about my birthday. I've booked up to see the Chippendales..."

DAVE -
Chippendales! You're not going to see the Chippendales!

PAM -
Oh, it was alright for you to see the Calendar Girls cherries!

THEY GLARE AT EACH OTHER. PAM SUDDENLY LOOKS REALLY MISERABLE.

PAM -
Anyway, I'm not going to see the Chippendales. She's booked up to go with Elsie.

DAVE -
Oh, love. Come here and have a cuddle.

PAM SNIVELS AND DAVE PUTS HIS ARM AROUND HER.

DAVE -
I'm sorry that she's going with Elsie. You know I would have let you go really. We'll have a nice romantic evening, just me and you.

PAM -
Oh, Dave!

DAVE -
Yeah, we'll go and see Death Race!

CRUD'S

Elegant LIVING Room... the DOORBELL rings.
A NICE MAN opens the door to see a WEIRDO with a dog-lead:

MAN Good - good afternoon.

WEIRDO Yesh Shir it ish a mosht good afternoon is it not? You I shupposhe are the fellow interested in patishipating in thish year'sh Cruft'sh Dog Show for our four-legged friendsh?

MAN Yes but I...

WEIRDO No fear Shir, I have the very shpeshimen for your personal pleasure! Here boy...

DOG (OFF) Growls, shits.

WEIRDO Ah marvelloush! And here'sh another...

DOG (OFF) SHITS!

MAN I - I don't...

WEIRDO Heel boy! Heel! Yesh heel do another...

DOG (OFF) SHITS!!!

WEIRDO Jusht my little joke Shir...

MAN Ah I think I understand. What I actually asked for was a dog-SITTER.

WEIRDO Oh Cripesh.

Introduction.
Hippodrome Heights is an ex stately home,
Now a charity financed retirement home for actors and performers
who have fallen on hard times.
There are twenty bedrooms, all on-suite,each with TV
and tea making facilities.
A communal dining area and large sitting room
The residents are from a Music Hall background.
Always well down the bill, there is nobody famous here
Hippodrome Heights is not the Ritz.
There is a general atmosphere of happiness
and like most people in performing arts,
are larger than life.

Scene One The Show Must Go On.

In a small room just off the hallway in Hippodrome Heights
is a coffin, inside the coffin is Derek Daily who'd been
a magician for most his working life.
He has died from cancer.
The twenty residents and several staff,
stand on the drive in silent reverence.
The shiny black funeral cars arrive.
Pall bearers alight from the hearse
They go to the small room for the coffin.
As they struggle back through the front door,
a pall bearer stumbles, which causes others to stumble.
The coffin falls from their shoulders and crashes to the ground.
The lid comes off
A local newspaper reporter captures the scene on camera
The crashing coffin.
The open mouthed, wide eyed astonishment of the mourners
and the four doves that fly from the coffin
and settle on the hearse.

The pall bearers cannot keep the pretence
and burst into laughter.
In his last few days, Derek Daily had arranged the charade.
They go back into the house and bring out the real coffin.
The crowd begin clapping and laughing
there are chants of Bravo and Author
Billy Cox, an ex stand-up comic, shouts over the merriment,

"Derek has achieved in death,
something he never achieved in life,
a standing ovation"

The happy crowd get into the vehicles and drive off.

EXT. OUTSIDE CONCERT

CEE-LO GREEN IS SINGING ON STAGE WHEN THE RAIN STARTS. HE AND HIS CREW PACK UP AND WALK OFF STAGE.

VOICEOVER
Please welcome to the stage Sir Cliff Richard.

END

STAGE: LOADS OF DETACHED FEET ARE DANCING, FOOLING AROUND, SINGING AND
GENERALLY ENTERTAINING THE AWESTRUCK AUDIENCE. THEY END THEIR ACT, AND
THE CURTAIN FALLS TO THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE.

A COMPERE STROLLS ON AND ADDRESSES THE ECSTATIC CROWD:
Thank yew, thank yew. AND thank yew. The Feet Show was brilliant. eh?
Right, now it's time for a show of hands.

In Yer Face

STAFF ROOM

EDDY AND MATT STAND CHATTING

EDDY
I hear you're getting married?

MATT
Yep, Saturday, and if I say so myself, the bitch got lucky...hehehehe

EDDY
The blushing bride's a bitch?...charming and eloquent as ever eh mate?

MATT
Lighten up, you not gettin any then Ed, eh,eh,eh? hehehehe

EDDY
Give it a rest tosspot, what you doing for your stag night?

MATT
You know the quiet little Cafe on Roman Street?

EDDY
Yeah

MATT
Well we're not feckin going there mate...hehehehe...nah mate, we're goin on the piss and then on to that new comedy show 'In Yer Face'

EDDY
Seen it last week, the comics are 'In Yer Face' alright, and the end's a bleedin riot

MATT
They'll wish they were still giggin in front of their bedroom mirror by the time I finish with em

EDDY
They're gonna love you, Id suggest you wear mackintosh and galoshes, oh and sit near the back

MATT
Balls, Ive got the whole front row booked, only the best for yours truly

CUT TO THE 'IN YER FACE' COMEDY SHOW

MATT AND HIS STAG GANG ARE SEATED IN THE FRONT ROW
MATT IS IN FULL DRUNKEN SWING AND HAS BEEN HECKLING THE COMPARE ALL EVENING

MATT
Hey mate,been here two hours now,whens the comedy start?? You're takin the piss

COMPARE
Time we gave it back then, Ladies and Gents, give it up for our final act, 'Sick of Yer Face and his Pistol of Piss'...and he aint gonna miss.

WHOOPS OF DELIGHT FROM THE AUDIENCE

MATT
Oh shit

VICTORIAN MAN NAMED FILQUIN DRASKO IS DRESSED MUCH LIKE THE MAD HATTER AND IS TRYING TO ATTRACT PEOPLE TO HIS SHOW. HE STANDS IN FRONT OF A BUILDING WITH A LARGE CURTAIN DRAPED IN FRONT OF IT.

FILQUIN:
Roll up, roll up, and roll up folks. Come see our amazing and wondrous show. Behind these very curtains you will enter a world nothing like your own. Roll up, roll up!

A FEW PEOPLE BEGIN TO GATHER AROUND.

FILQUIN:
I said roll up not walk up. If I wanted you to walk up I would have said 'Step right up'. Go back now and roll over to me...much better.

Roll up folks and be astounded for beyond this curtain lie feats and wonders beyond your wildest dreams. Get your palm read by the Ostrich of the Future, he tells it like it is in his shiny silver suit. You may have seen a ghost, you may have been in a haunted house but have you ever come across a Haunted Ghost? See it all here people.

We have acrobats like you have never seen. We blindfold some bats and they perform flying trapeze acts without the aid of a trapeze.

Roll up now. For a limited time only, I have an appointment at two. See our conjurer make items appear from thin air. Expensive silver and gold as if from nowhere. Step up here Ma'am. I see you like your jewellery.
Wouldn't you like more beautiful adornments to match your beautiful face (she smiles bashfully). May I see your neck lace? Oh God we wouldn't have anything that expensive now. You're better off to go to Appleby's down the street.

Gaze in wonder at Aquabadger. Are you sick of the same old amazing magic tricks? Then we present to you Peter the Possible. Guess which hand the coin is in, you have over a 50 per cent chance of getting it right. In 52 attempts or less he will pick the mysterious Ace of Spades out of just one pack of cards. See him pick a name out of a hat. That's Peter the Possible folks.

Beyond the curtain lie many more amazing wonders. Who wants to be first? Just five shillings....Test your strength. All you manly men out there test your strength by doing loads of arduous manual labour for us.

Be the first to lay eyes on strange and unusual animals never before seen by human eyes. Obviously then we can't tell you what they look like yet but the lads that are going to catch them assure me that they will be the height of unusualness. See a glass bellied horse and a calf with the mind of a ghost.

We have a clown.

The Swedish Bubble. Straight off the ship, direct from the Scandinavian home world we have two crates of the freshest Swedish bubbles. Developed and grown in the Fairy Liquid Gardens high in the Kaka... Kasapa.... Kap...Kaskaspakte..te..ke..pa Mountains.
Guess the number of bubbles in the crates and win a romantic dinner for five.

See our resident freak Fleaboy - a 12 year old boy who is riddled with fleas. Watch him itch with his nails of fury.

We also have Pocket Dad, he is a father and he has over seven pockets.

Melburn the Magician can escape any shackles, no cage can hold him, no jacket is straight enough; his cousin is behind the curtain, a steal at five shillings folks.

A LARGE CROWD HAS NOW GATHERED AND THEY ALL HAND OVER THEIR FIVE SHILLINGS.

You sir, with the fear in your eye and the five shillings in your hand. Walk right in beyond the curtain to a world you cannot even imagine.

THE MAN WALKS IN AND EMERGES FIVE SECONDS LATER.

MAN:
I didn't see nothin'.

FILQUIN:
That means you saw something, two negatives make a positive my friend and even if you didn't see it's because you failed to imagine it. Thank you sir, who's next?

MAN:
This man is a fraud! There's nothing behind the curtain but darkness!

A GROUP OF PEOPLE JUMP THROUGH THE CURTAIN AND EMERGE A FEW SECONDS LATER ANNOYED.

CROWD:
We want our money back! There is nothing behind the curtain!

FILQUIN STEPS TOWARDS THE CURTAIN.

FILQUIN:
Open your minds people and my world will reveal itself. You have learned your lesson today. I will return and next time you too will marvel at my world of wonder. I have just opened your eyes today. The next day you will see.

HE DOFFS HIS HAT, PULLS THE CURTAIN OPEN AND STEPS THROUGH. AS HE DOES SO WE CATCH A QUICK GLIMPSE OF ALL MANNER OF AMAZING ANTICS ACCOMPANIED BY STRANGE MUSIC. FROGS ON STILTS, A PRIEST JUGGLING WATER, THE SECOND HAND OF A CLOCK RUNS ANTI-CLOCKWISE, AN OWL READS THE NEWS, A MAN SWIMS IN THE AIR. THE CURTAIN CLOSES.

END.

The Show

THE COMEDY SHOW - BATTLE OF THE CRINGE.

COMEDIAN 1:
Roll up, roll up or a tipped ciggy if you've got one.

Comedian 2:
I say, I say, I say, I say. It's just so icy. Why don't they grit the roads?

COMEDIAN 1:
Is that a clothes peg in your pocket or are you just unhappy to see me?

COMEDIAN 2:
What do you call a surgeon on a roundabout? A spin doctor.

COMEDIAN 1:
I used to make a packet in my last job. I worked at the cardboard factory.

COMEDIAN 2:
In my last job I was paid peanuts. I didn't have sweat in that chimp costume.

COMEDIAN 1:
My boss must think I've got an animal fetish. Every time I ask for a pay rise he tells me to kiss his ass.

COMEDIAN 2:
I saw a spotted zebra at the zoo. It had measles.

COMEDIAN 1:
I wouldn't say my last girlfriend was a dog. But every time we went for a walk she'd cock her leg and piss on the lamp posts.

COMEDIAN 2:
My mate shoved a viagra pill in his ear. Now he's hard of hearing.

COMEDIAN:1
I must need my eyes tested. You see, I met this beautiful girl at the disco last night. I said, I've got a big house with a swimming pool. She said I know. I'm your sister.

COMEDIAN 2:
I phoned in sick yesterday. The boss asked me how sick I was? I told him I was in bed with a corpse.

COMEDIAN 1:
I got caught shoplifting last week so I went to a lawyer. He told me how much he charged and I told him I was going to a prostitute instead. He asked me why. I told him that if I was going to be screwed, I might as well enjoy the experience.

COMEDIAN 2:
My mate went to a fancy dress party dressed as a seal. He got clubbed to death by Canadians.

EXT. FAIRGROUND. NIGHT.

A DAPPER GENT IS STOOD OUTSIDE A MARQUEE.

VOICE:
Ladies, gentlemen and hermaphrodites, I am Alberto Balsam, purveyor and proprietor of Alberto Balsam's travelling freak show. Enter this marquee to find a cacophony of curious cretins. From the marvellous to the macabre.

Be bamboozled and bewildered by Bob, the man with the tartan beard. Be agog and aghast at eyeball-tattooed Ethel. Be confounded by Clarence who can catch a bazooka in his armpit. Not forgetting pugilist Paul, the man who can beat the crap out of himself for fifteen rounds solid. Then there's Cecil the contortionist, this guy can pick his nose with his cock.

All these odious oddballs and much more besides at Alberto Balsam's travelling freak show.

Erm... due to an outbreak of motion sickness amongst the freaks, there'll be no show on tonight.

A PROVINCIAL THEATRE

The sign outside reads "Old fashioned Variety Show"

Cut to Managers office.
Various 'artistes' crowd the small room.

Manager
But the show MUST go on!

Knife thrower
I tell you - my migrane gives me double vision. I can see two of her.

Manager
Throw the knives inbetween them both!

Knife Thrower
But...

Magician
That bloody dog has eaten my doves! What am I going to produce? F**king feathers?

Dog act woman
Fifi would never do that. She only dances, and counts.

Singer
And shits on the stage - don't forget shits on the stage. The little shit. I slipped on it.

Manager
You'll all have to do your best. The show must go on!

Stripper
I think it was my snake that ate the doves. Now he just wants to sleep. How can I strip without my snake?

Singer
Use a feather boa! Geddit? feather boa!

Stripper
F**k off

A HYSTERICAL WOMAN RUSHES IN

Woman
The horse is dead

Manager
What? Why? How?

Woman
He's choked on some feathers.

Stripper
So my snake didn't eat your stinkin doves! Oh, then why is she so tired. She IS bulging.

Dog act woman
Fifi! Oh Fifi! Where's my Fifi. Has anyone seen her?

Manager
Christ

A MAN WALKS IN

Man
It's 5 minutes to curtain

Manager
Why can't I hear the band?

Man
They're all in the pub.

Manager
The show must go on!
(PUTS HIS HEAD IN HANDS)

Singer
How?

Manager
F**king improvise!

HE RUSHES OUT, GOES BACKSTAGE, PEEPS THROUGH THE CURTAIN. THE AUDIENCE CONSISTS OF ONE OLD MAN IN A MAC.

Manager
The show.....oh f**k it.

(an old one I've tinkered with a bit)

(Northern accents - Judy is trembling).

PUNCH
Hello Boy sand Girls!! I can't hear you! I said hello boys and girls! I'm Punch and this is my wife, Judy! Say 'hello' Judy!

JUDY
Hi.

PUNCH
Say it properly, Judy.

JUDY
Hello boys and girls.

PUNCH
That's the way to do it! (aside) Well, they were louder for me, weren't they? Perhaps you're not the pretties after all, eh? Excuse my wife, boys and girls, she's a little bit inhibited at the moment. She doesn't think I treat her right, do you Judy?

JUDY
Punch, seriously, can we not.

PUNCH
She says that our relationship has become abusive, degrading and voyeuristic; do you want to see her evidence boys and girls? (Beat) I can't hear you! Do you want to see why she thinks I'm abusive, boys and girls? (Rolling up sleeves) Shall we?

(Crocodile enters).

PUNCH
(Mock fear) Oh no, a big greeny crocodile. A big greeny crocodile come to eat me all up.

CROC
Look, Punch, we've been through this. You're going to have to leave her be.

PUNCH
Oh, look! Big greeny crocodile poking his long greeny snout into business that still doesn't concern him.

CROC
The restraining order's in place now, Punch.

JUDY
Leave it, Colin, I can handle this.

PUNCH
Listen to Judy, Big Greeny, listen to Judy and f**k off.

CROC
Judy might be scared of you Punch, but some of us...

(Punch goes to one side of the stage and pulls up a big stick. The crocodile goes to the other and pulls our a string of sausages. He looks forlorn).

PUNCH
What's he going to do with them, boys and girls? What are you going to do with them, you reptilian turd?

(Beat)

(The CROC begins to wield the sausage string like nun-chucks).

PUNCH
If your sausages go anywhere near my wife.

CROC
By all accounts, Punch, if your sausage was as wooden as the rest of you you wouldn't be having these problems.

JUDY
Boys. Boys. Both of you, just leave it be.

PUNCH
Says you, with a giant hairy paw up your skirt. She can't function without a hand up her petticoat, boys and girls.

CROC
Right.

PUNCH
Bring it on, lizard.

JUDY
Stop. Stop. Think of the children.

Beat

(Punch whacks the crocodile).

CROC
Bastard.

(He collapses).

PUNCH
Bitten off more than you can chew, eh? See you later, alligator. So where were we?

JUDY
Oh, Punch, you really tamed that wild beast.

PUNCH
Well, I....

JUDY
Oh, but your'e such a strong man. And look at your big stick.

PUNCH
Hang on Judy; what was I mad about?

JUDY
(seductive) Maybe we should sleep on it...

PUNCH
You're a filthy woman, Judy.

BEAT

JUDY
(to audience) That's the way to do it.

Reporter:

A seven year old boy from New Jersey has discovered a new moon around Pluto. NASA finalised the discovery and gave the honour of naming the new moon to the young astronomer. He finally settled with the name, 'Mr Swiggles and the Light Bulb King'.

ASTRONOMER & TV PRESENTER BRIAN COX IS IN A MEETING AT THE BBC

BBC EXEC:
We can't green light the new Show Brian, not in the current climate, the last series cost far too much.

BRIAN:
Educating people about the universe shouldn't be about money surely? it should be about pleasant smiles & sunlit canyons.

BBC EXEC:
That's what I'm talking about! Why all the travel? When you want to talk about Saturn we have to fly you to the North pole, for the Big Bang theory we went to America. and for Quasars you had two weeks in Barbados all inclusive.

BRIAN:
But these are complicated concepts, you need to explain them in a way that your average member of the public can understand.

BBC EXEC:
Look, thick people aside, cards on the table! The feeling among the powers that be, is, and this isn't my personal opinion you understand, but the feeling is that you use this programme as an excuse to go on holiday & have a good time.

BRIAN:
Well that's where you're wrong, If it was up to me the whole thing would be just me in my shed with a telescope looking for evidence of Dark Matter or hidden nebulae.

BBC EXEC:
That's what they all say.

BRIAN:
No honestly, for a start just to save money We've been filming the new series entirely in England. Have a look!

STARTS VIDEO

BRIAN COX IS SITTING A TABLE IN A PUB WITH SEVERAL DRINKS IN FRONT OF HIM
BRIAN:

Although we can't see black holes, we can tell that they are there by the effect they have on the planets & stars that surround them.
Imagine this Pint of Beer is a large planet & my mouth is a Black hole. Once it gets within the huge gravitational pull the beer or planet is pulled in, in fact it starts to travel faster the nearer it gets (DOWNS PINT) much like this Gas Giant here (Downs G & T) or even this Shupernova (DOWNS WHISKEY)

BBC EXEC:
Stop there! That's enough Brian, that's just an excuse for you to get pissed.

BRIAN:
Only in the name of science, Look at the next clip, about Galaxies, that'll be more up your street.

BRIAN COX IS SITTING A TABLE IN A PUB WITH SEVERAL DRINKS IN FRONT OF HIM

Now these two lines of Cocaine represent adjacent galaxies, and with my nostrils I'm going to show you the inexorable force of Gravity.

BBC EXEC:
Brian you can't be seen sniffing Class A drugs on prime time telly, even Patrick Moore wait's until the credits have rolled.

BRIAN COX:
How about we get some strippers, they can be the International space station & this 10 pound note can be the space shuttle.

BBC EXEC:
That's enough Brian! There's no show & that's final.

BRIAN COX:
Imagine my fist is an Asteroid & your face is the Earth millions & millions of years ago.

BBC EXEC:
Well now you've explained it in laymans terms.... we'll start filming in May.

END

EXT: AN OPEN AIR STAGE, BANNER ABOVE DISPLAYS 'FAKIR SHOW TONIGHT'.

ANNOUNCER: And for our grand finale, the Fakir will lie on this Bed of Nails...

FAKIR THRASHES A WATERMELON ON THE NAILS, IT EXPLODES DRAMTICALLY.

ANNOUNCER: whilst a member of the audience stands on him.

THE FAKIR SHIELDS HIS EYES TO THE BRIGHT STAGE LIGHTS AND SCANS THE AUDIENCE, THEY ARE ALL OVERWEIGHT, SUNBURNT BRITS, THEIR 'ALL INCLUSIVE' WRIST BANDS GLOW IN THE DARK.

THE FAKIR NERVOUSLY PICKS AN OBESE CHILD FROM THE CROWD, THE FAKIR LIES ON THE BED OF NAILS, THE OBESE CHILD STAND ON TOP OF HIM, THE FAKIR IS CLEARLY IN PAIN.

A BELL RINGS IN THE DISTANCE.

ANNOUNCER: The evening meal is now being served.

CLOSE UP OF FAKIRS FACE IN AGONY AS THE CROWD STAMPEDE OVER HIM ON THEIR WAY TO THE BUFFET.