Thinking about going along to an open mic night. These are some of the ideas I've had so far. Let me know what you think please. Be as positive or negative as you like
I see in the news this week that Nick Clegg [...]. Nick Clegg reminds me of my six year old son. When I'm fixing my motorbike I let him help by standing holding a spanner. If he opens his mouth I'm just like "shhh, I'm busy". When he starts jumping up and down with boredom I give him a block of wood, some self tappers and a screwdrivers and tell him to screw away. If he's been good I let him sit on the bike while it's running but he's under strict instruction not to touch any of the controls.
The housing market's so stale now that people are having to expand their own homes rather than move. I did my own loft conversion last year. Which was quite interesting to say the least. Before I met my wife the most DIY I'd done was to put a number on the front of the house. And that's wonky. But women have this way of making you do things that you never knew you could, these amazing powers of persuasion that it's like they've hypnotised you. Anyone know what I'm talking about?
No not sex
Food, no, I'd be more likely to do stuff for my wife if she promised not to feed me. Anyone else?
Free space. If you do "X" for me then I'll let you, let you! Do "Y" later. With me it's fixing my bike. For 6 weeks of humping joists into the loft, putting up plasterboard, laying floors, breathing in crap I get about half an hour a week to work on my bike. The thing is you have to do the DIY jobs because if you don't, they will. And seriously girls, I applaud the attitude of just wanting to get the job done but there is such a thing as "preparation" a little planning wouldn't go amiss either. We have these things in our sheds called tools and each tool has a specific task that it performs. That Snap on Torque wrench that we lusted after for years should never be used to knock in picture hooks. I don't care that we never use it. But it doesn't stop there, when us blokes are doing these tasks we need time to compose ourselves. To you it's just one nail in a wall but it's not that simple, there are angles, there are distances, you need the right nail, you need the right hammer, you need to phone your dad and check with him in case you're hammering a two inch nail into a load bearing wall. All of these things are important but not to women. They just want the bloody job done, like nappy changing.
Blokes always make a big thing about changing nappies one way or another. With women it's just quick and simple, off, wipe, on baby dressed, job done. But for blokes there are two methonds
First is what I call the baulk method, which is basically for the uninitiated, it involves trying to get as far away from the babies arse as is humanly possible while it's laid on your knee. Then doing *this* with the wiping, trying not to look. It's really important to remember though, if you make the baby laugh at you, they're likely to piss on you.
There are those of us though, who are seasoned nappy changers. We approach it from a more "professional angle". We're not changing a nappy, we're field stripping an M16, or planting explosives at the base of a damn. You demand absolute silence as you work out angles, distances, quantities. "I'm going to need more wipes" or "Damn! We've lost the vest, but I think I can save the baby grower" It's going well, you're almost there, but then, just like the rookie laying in the ambush in the jungle, you make eye contact, the baby smiles, you smile, then the baby laughs. No plan survives first contact with the enemy. And again, you're a "bloke" so you have to make a big thing about it "argh" "what the". And again this is all something that women take in their stride.