COTTAGING
by
Marc P & Andrew Taft
Episode 2: The Weybourne Wallop
[COMPERE
Cottaging is set in a small rural cottage hospital on the wild coast of North Norfolk. With NHS cutbacks the hospital faces closure so all the support staff rally round to raise funds. It means war!
[LIGHTS DOWN. THE SOUND OF A MOURNFUL HARMONICA. 'IT'S A LONG WAY TO TIPPERARY' SPOTLIGHT UP STAGE LEFT ON A TABLE ON ITS SIDE MASQUERADING AS A BUNKER. GEORGE, SECURITY GUARD 50's, IS CROUCHED BEHIND IT DRESSED IN A WW2 AIR WARDENS UNIFORM. TANYA, SEXY LATE 20's BOSSY, IN AN ARMY CAPTAIN KHAKI UNIFORM, LOOKS DOWN UNIMPRESSED ]
GEORGE
What are you going to do when you get back to blighty, Captain?
TANYA
I'm going to shove that harmonica right up your arse.
GEORGE
Just trying to get into the spirit of the thing, Tanya.
TANYA
Well there are three things, George. Firstly it is a world war 2 theme for the fundraiser... Secondly that song is from, the first world war.
GEORGE
And the third thing?
TANYA
You're an idiot! Now hand out these flyers. I want the dance tonight sold out.
[GEORGE JUMPS DRAMATICALLY TO HIS FEET AND SALUTES]
GEORGE
Sah!
[TANYA SIGHS AND SHAKES HER HEAD. SPOT DOWN. LIGHTS UP STAGE RIGHT.
MAX, 50's BIT OF A LUVVIE, IN SERGEANT'S UNIFORM, AND CAROL, LATE TWENTIES LOVEABLE BUT UNLUCKY IN LOVE, DRESSED AS A LAND GIRL, ARE PREPARING VEGETABLES]
CAROL
Faggots, Max?
[MAX SHRUGS APOLOGETICALLY]
MAX
It's what they had to make do with in the war I'm afraid... That and squirrel rissoles.
CAROL
(GRIMACES) Yeah but it's 2011 now Max.
[MAX SHRUGS AGAIN]
MAX
Not in Norfolk.
This is your first time for the forties weekend isn't it?
CAROL
Yeah, so every year people from all over the country dress up in second world war outfits... and travel up here ?
MAX
Hundreds of them darling.
CAROL
Can't see the attraction in it myself.
MAX
Didn't they teach you anything at that fancy university you went to?
CAROL
I'll have you know I can renovate a house from top to bottom.
MAX
I thought you did an English degree?
CAROL
I did. Meant I got to watch a lot of daytime television.
MAX
(DRAMATIC) In the darkest hours of the second world war, any day could be your last. So each moment a sweetheart spent with her brave Tommy before he went off to fight was precious. You never knew when the bomb was going to drop or when the sky might become black with thousands of German paratroopers, each one intent on blazing a trail of death and destruction.
CAROL
(IMPRESSED) I never thought of it like that.
MAX
And if you weren't sure you'd even be alive tomorrow, what would you be doing today?
[CAROL HOLDS UP PEELER]
CAROL
I'd have more than a vegetable peeler in my hand, that's for sure!
MAX
Exactly. Make love not rissoles!
CAROL
And it wouldn't be the onions I was sweating.
MAX
Ah... Danger it's a heady aphrodisiac. They're recreating the war so they can come up here and shag like rabbits. (BEAT) Come September it's like Aiya Napa for the SAGA generation round here.
CAROL
It's nice to think you can still have sex at fifty.
MAX
Yes and...
CAROL
Yeah alright Max, I don't want to hear about her at forty nine.
[LIGHTS DOWN THEN UP STAGE LEFT]
TANYA
(SHOUTING OFF STAGE AS THROUGH A WINDOW) And keep the bloody noise down unless you want a swagger stick inserted somewhere you'll need surgery to have it removed.
[JACK ENTERS, IN CIVVIES, WHISTLING COLONEL BOGEY]
TANYA
Have you seen those bloody workmen digging everywhere out there! Don't they know there's a war on?
JACK
Well there isn't really, Tanya.
TANYA
There bloody soon will be. It's our gala dance tonight Jack, what we don't need is bloody holes all over the bloody place.
JACK
Do you mind not waving that stick around. You'll have someone's eye out with that.
TANYA
It's not a stick.
JACK
Well what is it then?
TANYA
It's a swagger... (stick) Oh never mind.
[CAROL ENTERS PLEASED TO SEE JACK]
CAROL
Max and I have made a start on the faggots.
JACK
[BEAT] I'm saying nothing. Tanya you want to step in?
TANYA
Shut up Jack!
CAROL
And we've put the kettle on so if you fancy some rations.
JACK
(GRINNING) I had plenty last night thanks.
[TANYA LOOKS AT HIM CRITICALLY]
TANYA
You could at least have had a shave. Where have you been anyway?
JACK
You know me Tanya, wherever I lay my hat.
TANYA
Yeah... your big head's not far behind.
JACK
(WINKS) You're just jealous. Milk and two lumps for me, Carol.
TANYA
(SPLUTTERS) Jealous of you!
JACK
Don't worry, maybe you'll get your turn one day.
TANYA
And the ego has landed. You know what Jack if you were the last man on earth and the human race needed repopulating... I'd still be reaching for the turkey baster.
JACK
It's going to a single sex boarding school Tanya. It's made you jealous. Jealous, repressed and bitter... Maybe Gay.
TANYA
No Jack! It's given me values. It's given me respect for my body and for other peoples. It taught me morality. It taught me dignity. It taught me...
JACK
Frigidity?
TANYA
I am not frigid. I happen to believe that sex between two people is a beautiful thing.
JACK
I know... you just have to find the right two people.
TANYA
Exactly... [REALISING] No. God! You have to bring everything down to your level don't you? I am talking about within the confines of a loving relationship.
JACK
Or a BBC radio producer.
TANYA
I never slept with Roger Twelvetrees.
JACK
Obviously.
TANYA
And what's that supposed to mean?
JACK
Well you're still working in hospital radio aren't you?
[MAX COMES IN THE DOOR.
MAX
Who's up for a double latte?
JACK
Not the virgin queen here, we've just established that.
TANYA
Come on Max, ignore him. I need to talk to you about tonight's menu.
[SHE LEADS HIM OFF]
CAROL
Where were you really last night, Jack?
JACK
(BRAVADO DEFLATING) My mother had a bit of a turn, had to stay up with her.
CAROL
Is that why you're taking her shift here again?
[JACK NODS]
CAROL
And to see Tanya no doubt.
[JACK DOESN'T RESPOND]
CAROL
I don't know why you're winding her up like this. Pretending to be up to all sorts. You're not going to get anywhere with her like that.
JACK
Well it's worth a go. Just being nice sometimes doesn't get you anywhere either... does it?
[HE GRINS AND LEAVES CAROL WATCHES HIM WISTFULY]
CAROL:
No... It bloody doesn't!
[LIGHTS DOWN. CAROL OFF. BEAT.
LIGHTS UP AGAIN ON TANYA SITTING BEHIND THE DESK LOOKING AT SOME PAPERWORK. GEORGE IN]
GEORGE
Last of the leaflets handed out. Sah!
[HE SALUTES LOUDLY AGAIN, JACK IN BEHIND HIM]
TANYA
Will you stop doing that!
GEORGE
Old habits die hard.
TANYA
(SIGHS) You were never in the army, George.
GEORGE
I was in the territorials. They serve too you know. They put their life on the line.
JACK
You were never in the territorials either. And the only thing you've ever put on the line is your washing.
[BRIAN TAPS THE STRIPES ON HIS ARM]
BRIAN
You want to show a bit more respect for authority son. You know what these three stripes mean?
JACK
Yeah. You're wife's got a pillow case somewhere with holes in it.
[TANYA HANDS HIM SOME MORE FLYERS]
TANYA
Just go back to your post George and hand these out.
[HE SLAMS ANOTHER SALUTE BEFORE LEAVING]
GEORGE
Sah!
TANYA
(SIGHS AGAIN) Find me a real gun would you Jack.
JACK
Never mind him. I've just pulled a right flanker.
TANYA
Can I just stop you there Jack. I think we've all heard more than enough about your love life!
JACK
You're broadcasting your radio show live from the hospital social club tonight aren't you?
TANYA
So?
JACK
As part of the dance and entertainment line up...
[TANYA HOLDS UP A FLYER]
TANYA
Yeah I know what's on the programme Jack.
JACK
Well I made some calls on your behalf... and I've only gone and got the female presenter of Look Local to come.
TANYA
You've done what?
JACK
Bunty Plunkett!
TANYA
(NOT HAPPY) Yeah, I know who she is.
JACK
This could just be the exposure you need, Tanya. The kick start to your career.
TANYA
(HORRIFIED) She's bringing a TV crew?
JACK
No. But it's still networking isn't it?
[THROWS HIS ARM WIDE PLEASED WITH HIMSELF]
JACK
So come on Tanya Hunt, what am I?
TANYA
You are a complete and utter ....
[LIGHTS DOWN AND THE SOUND OF A VERY LOUD TRAIN WHISTLE]
[LIGHTS UP STAGE RIGHT. TABLES MAYBE DRAPED WITH CAMOFLAGE NETTING, SOME SECOND WORLD WAR STUFF MAYBE. JACK AND CAROL ARE ARRANGING THE NETTING, GEORGE IN WITH A CRATE OF BOTTLED BEER]
CAROL
So what's the problem?
JACK
The problem is Carol... that Tanya has got her nose stuck so far up her own backside... she's given herself an Adam's apple.
CAROL
I meant with the TV woman coming tonight? I thought she was desperate to get into proper broadcasting? She could be a great contact.
JACK
She already knows her! She and Bunty Plunkett were as thick as thieves at Media School, they were a regular Harry P and Ron Weasley apparently!
GEORGE
(PUZZLED) Who are they?
CAROL
Haven't you read the Potter books George?
[GEORGE NODS EMPATICALLY]
GEORGE
Yeah. I read Mrs Tiggywinkle.
JACK
But they had a massive falling out apparently. Haven't spoken in years and she doesn't want her knowing she's just doing hospital radio.
CAROL
What was the argument about?
JACK
God knows? But she doesn't want her seeing her tonight.
CAROL
Might be tricky.
JACK
Maybe not... I had an idea.
[TANYA ENTERS, HAIR TUCKED UNDER A CAP NOW AND SPORTING A BIG, BLACK HANDLEBAR MOUSTACHE, FOLLOWED IN BY MAX. SHE TUCKS HER SWAGGER STICK UNDER HER ARM AND STANDS LEGS APART, VERY CAPTAIN MAINWARING]
TANYA
Ok, fall in and listen up everyone.
CAROL
Oh my God, it's Tom Selleck.
[TANYA SIGHS TURNS TO MAX]
TANYA
Sergeant?
MAX
(LANGUID) Yes come along now troops, if you wouldn't mind awfully listening to what Tanya has to say. She's put rather a lot of effort into tonight you know.
TANYA
Firstly... well done to everyone who actually made the effort to come in uniform.
JACK
Hey. Too much information there Tanya!
TANYA
Shut it Jack! There's a war on out there. Make no mistake.
JACK
What are you George Bush now?
[TANYA SLAMS THE STICK ON THE TABLE]
TANYA
A war of funding and if we are going to keep our comforts lounge and hospital radio station going... then it's vital that events like tonight are a success. The hordes of Nazi bureaucrats in the NHS would want to shut us down but I say no, nay, never! Herr Health Minister. No! We'll stand on our own two feet and we'll bend over backwards to make sure we don't get shafted.
MAX
The captain is right. Lets put our brave feet forwards eh... and show those cut back Gestapo a bit of good old fashioned, British spunk!
GEORGE
Eh?
TANYA
It means fighting spirit, George.
GEORGE
Ah.
TANYA:
You stupid boy.
[LIGHTS DOWN. FX PARTY NOISE. MUSIC PLAYING. THE MUSIC FINISHES AND LIGHT UP AS TANYA ADDRESSES THE AUDIENCE STANDING IN FRONT OF AN OLD FASHIONED MICROPHONE]
TANYA
Welcome one and all to our hospital fundraiser. Most of you know that this hospital played a major part during the war. And today it serves our community.
JACK
Make mine a pint of lager then.
TANYA
And to keep our comforts lounge and Radio station going we are going to need your help. So dig deep in your pockets for victory and give generously. Give the gift that gives on giving.
JACK
Herpes?
TANYA
The Germans didn't finish us of in 1940 and the accountants aren't going to finish us off now. We're here to stay ladies and gentlemen! And to start the entertainment, taking a night off from their residency at the Cromer Dance andTea Rooms. Ladies and Gentlemen we proudly present the... fabulous Bellamy Sisters...!
[SHE HOLDS HER HAND OUT DRAMATICALLY AS THE LIGHTS FLICKER AND GO OUT. GEORGE LIGHTS UP A LIGHTER]
JACK
(IMPROVISING) Put that light out!
GEORGE
That's my line.
[JACK NUDGES CAROL, SOFT RED LIGHT UP]
JACK
Quick. Do a siren noise.
CAROL
(POLICE) Ne nah. Ne nah.
JACK
An air raid siren!
[CAROL OBLIGES WITH A SOUND LIKE A COW GIVING BIRTH. JACK TAKES THE MICROPHONE IN A PATHE NEWS VOICE]
JACK
I would ask you not to be alarmed ladies and gentlemen. But enemy aircraft have been seen in the skies above the North Sea. We ask that you remain here before it is declared safe. Refreshment and vittals will be provided. But for now, remain brave, remain vigilant and above all remain in your seats.
[RED LIGHT OUT. FX OF APPLAUSE]
TANYA
What the bloody hell is going on Jack?
JACK
The workman digging out front have cut through a power cable.
TANYA
Brilliant... the foods barely edible, the wine delivery never turned up and now we've got no power. What next?
CAROL
There's a woman out front, no ticket but says she's been invited.
TANYA
Who?
CAROL
Bunty Plunkett.
[FX HUBBUB, PEOPLE SINGING RUN RABBIT OR SOMESUCH. FADE HUBBUB DOWN AND SOFT LIGHTS UP. BUNTY A SIX FOOT PLUS WOMAN, IS TALKING TO CAROL BEHIND ONE OF THE TABLES]
BUNTY
Excuse me. But my rissole has got a very peculiar flavour!
CAROL
If you don't like it lump it. There's people in here with no legs. Don't you know there's a war on?
[CAROL HEADS OFF]
BUNTY
Oh, she's very good isn't she? I must say everyone has really got into the spirit of things. Genius the way you have organised everything.
MAX
Oh that's all down to Tanya. She's an absolute star.
BUNTY
Tanya?
MAX
(COVERING) Tara. The cook. Chef. Tara Palmer Dickinson Wright. No relation. Spent a year on Gordon Ramsey's right hand and another six months under Nigel Slater.
[BUNTY REACTS]
BUNTY
Doesn't sound very hygienic.
MAX
It's the sort of experience money can't buy.
BUNTY
It can in Soho.
MAX
We were very lucky to get her, but happy to help out for a good cause.
BUNTY
Quite.
MAX
She made the rissoles herself. Authentic forties recipe... Three parts goat, one part beetroot. Couldn't get the beef do you see.
BUNTY
Inspired.
[TANYA ATTEMPTS TO PASS UNOTICED BUT BUNTY CALLS OUT]
BUNTY
Excuse me young man.
[TANYA SUCKS IN HER STOMACH AND HOLDS OUT HER HAND]
TANYA
(BLUFF) Names Bill. Bill Manly.
BUNTY
Quite a grip you've got there.
TANYA
All the huntin, shootin and fishin. Shouldn't wonder.
BUNTY
Don't I know you?
TANYA
(FLUSTERED) Not so's as I recollect. And Bill Manly's got a pretty damn good memory for the fillies. Specially the pretty ones. Don't'ya know.
[SHE SLAPS THE SWAGGER STICK ON HER THIGH. MUSIC DOWN]
TANYA
But hang on there my little popinjay it looks like the main act is about to start.
JACK
[OFF STAGE]: Ladies and gentleman I present to you the Titwillow of North Norfolk... Miss Voluptua Patterson.
TANYA
[Hissed whisper to Max]
Keep an eye on her.
BUNTY
What's that you say?
TANYA
(COVERING) I said look at the thighs on her.
[TANYA CATCHES HERSELF]
TANYA
Not that there's anything wrong with that. You can keep your skinny minnys you ask me. Give me a big Sunday dinner of a woman any day of the week,
BUNTY
Naughty boy!
[SHE SLAPS HER ON THE BACK. LIGHTS DOWN.
LIGHTS UP STAGE LEFT ON JACK AND GEORGE. GEORGE TAKING A BOTTLE OUT OF THE CRATE]
GEORGE
Last bottle of grog.
JACK
And the beer pumps still aren't working?
GEORGE
Nope, no power.
JACK
So what are we going to give the punters?
GEORGE
Time for the old Weybourne wallop.
JACK
I hope you're talking about your home brew.
GEORGE
Prezunctly.
JACK
(SUSPICIOUS) How strong is it?
GEORGE
You could put it in your baby's bottle.
JACK
I don't have a baby.
GEORGE
No harm done then.
[LIGHTS DOWN. LIGHTS UP ON BUNTY VERY PISSED SINGING LOUDLY TO THE AUDIENCE]
BUNTY
Too toot toot, toot- diddle-ee-ada, toot- diddle-ee-ada
Toot toot. He plays it eight to the bar. He can't play a note if the bass and guitar isn't with 'im. And the company jumps when he plays reveille, he's the boogie woogie bugle boy of company B.
[SHE BOWS ANDS STAGGERS OVER TO MAX. CLUTCHING HOLD OF HIM.
LIGHTS DOWN LIGHTS UP AGAIN ON JACK AND GEORGE]
JACK
I thought you said you could put it in a baby's bottle.
GEORGE
Yeah, you wouldn't let it drink it though.
[TANYA COMES IN]
TANYA
What the hell was in that punch you have given everyone? Bunty is absolutely out of her coconut. She keeps trying to mount my leg like a twelve stone rottweiler on Viagra.
GEORGE
It's a secret recipe, Sah!
TANYA
I might have known. And where the bloody hell is that electrician?
JACK
Not coming. And you have more than that to worry about I'm afraid.
TANYA
What are you on about?
JACK
They found more than just a severed power cable in that hole... And I'm not talking about Bernard Cribbins making a pot of tea.
[LIGHTS DOWN. QUICK BURST OF COLONEL BOGEY. LIGHTS UP ON JACK AT THE MICROPHONE AGAIN]
JACK
Ladies and gentlemen I trust you are having a good time this evening. However I need to make a very serious announcement. And this is not a drill. Repeat this is not a drill.
[HE GESTURES AT GEORGE]
JACK
The army disposal squad are on it's way. An unexploded fifty pound bomb has been discovered in the diggings in the car park at the front of the hospital.
[FX: THE AUDIENCE CHEERING AND CLAPPING]
JACK
Nobody is to leave the confines of this hall. Everyone here is safe but should remain here until the bomb has been deactivated. Oh... and stay away from the windows.
[MORE CHEERING AS HE STEPS AWAY]
TANYA
Where the hell has Bunty and Max got to?
[JACK SHRUGS]
TANYA
Tell me where that hole is. I'm going to throw myself in it.
[LIGHTS DOWN. LIGHTS UP STAGE LEFT. BUNTY AND MAX ARE STANDING BY THE TABLE]
MAX
(NERVOUS) We really shouldn't be here.
BUNTY
(STILL SLOSHED) There's no need to be frightened of me Max.
MAX
What if someone comes in?
BUNTY
It's the workman's caravan Max. They've knocked off for the day. (HUSKY) It's time we did the same.
MAX
But...
BUNTY
No buts Max. You've lit my fuse.
MAX
Well can't you put it out again?
BUNTY
The genie is out of the bottle and there's only one way to get it back in.
MAX
Really?
BUNTY
I want fireworks Maximilian... Make the earth move for me.
[SHE EMBRACES HIM AND PUSHES HIM BACK ON THE TABLE.
LIGHTS DOWN. FX A LARGE EXPLOSION.
BEAT OR TWO. BURST OF MUSIC. LIGHTS UP STAGE RIGHT. BUNTY AND TANYA, SANS HAT AND MOUSTACHE, SITTING ON A TABLE. THEY CLINK GLASSES]
TANYA
Bottoms up.
BUNTY
(SHUDDERS) Please don't say that! They reckon they will be picking bits of shrapnel out of Max's for weeks. (BEAT) He'll never be able to go though airport security again without a note from his doctors.
[TANYA GRIMACES]
BUNTY
So why did you never return any of my calls, Tanya?
TANYA
Too embarrassed.
BUNTY
You should have done. I wanted to thank you.
TANYA:
For what?
BUNTY
I never should have got married to him in the first place.
TANYA
Nothing did happen in that closet you found us in you know.
BUNTY
I'm not surprised. He came out of it two weeks later.
TANYA
You mean...
BUNTY
Yup, turned out my husband was more George Michael than George Clooney.
TANYA
Sorry.
BUNTY
Don't be. Turned into the best night of my life that wedding day.
TANYA
Really?
BUNTY
Yeah, after catching you two having a go at it... I got completely rat arsed and ended up in that linen cupboard myself.
TANYA
You didn't! Who with?
BUNTY
I don't know. I think he was one of the security staff from the hotel. And all I can say is... he wasn't built like other men...
[TANYA PUNCHES HER ON THE SHOULDER]
TANYA
Good for you, girl!
BUNTY
Yeah. (BEAT) And he had this funny habit of saluting all the time.
[TANYA'S SMILE FREEZES AS GEORGE MARCHES PAST. LIGHTS FADE DOWN]
END
