Honest feedback

Hello. Just wondering if any of you lovely people could give me some honest feedback on my script.

It's a mockumentry style comedy about three wanna be stars.

Jason: late twenties in the closet gay man. Thinks he's the next big thing.

Johnson: Early thirties, middle-class posh boy with racist views and dilusions of grandour.

Jess: Early twenties, X factor style reject who acts as though she's thirteen years old.

Any feed back would be great.

Thanks in advance.

FADE IN:

SCENE1.INT/EXT.MONTAGE.DAY

JASON SINGING ON KARAOKE

JESS STARING INTO THE SKY

JOHNSON 'POSH' BODY POPPING

NARRATOR V.O.)
Jason, Jessica and Johnson all have Limelightism, a rare condition that compels them to seek out fame and attention in any possible way.

JASON PERFORMING IN HIS LIVING ROOM TO HIS FAMILY

NARRATOR V.O)
Sufferers of Limelightism often act in an over-theatrical and exuberant way even in the most formal and uneventful of everyday situations.

JESS LOUDLY SINGING ON A PACKED BUS
JASON DOING A HEADSTAND (BADLY) AT A BUS STOP - COINS FALL OUT OF HIS POCKET

JASON To Himself)
My bad!!

JOHNSON READING A SCRIPT WITH HIS GRANDMA (BADLY)

NARRATOR: (V.O)
This condition means that they act boisterously, constantly seeking the attention of others.

JASON GESTURING A 'HIGH-FIVE' TO A POLICEMAN - THE ACT IS UN-RECIPROCAL

NARRATOR: (V.O)
If left to their own devices each of them could perform themselves to death.

JASON DANCING WILDLY ON A PUB STAGE
JESS TRYING TO IRISH DANCE

NARRATOR V.O)
Can Jason, Jessica and Johnson become the stars they want to be? Or will the dark reality of showbiziness prove too much of a challenge?
This is their story!

FADE IN:

SCENE 2. INT. JASON'S BEDROOM. NIGHT.

JASON, A LATE TWENTIES GAY WANNA-BE IS PACKING A BAG FOR HIS SHOW AT THE LOCAL WORKING MENS CLUB

JASON:
So tonight is my monthly residency at Batley Men's. The G's down there are all pretty laid back so I just drop in a few classics and they're happy.
...I'm doing (sings) "I see your true colours" so looking forward to that love.

INTERVIEWER: (O.S)
Do you think that your show tonight could lead onto bigger and better things Jason?

JASON:
Err...I think; only the gods of opportunity and chance know that. Maybe the God of fate knows a bit too.
...Is there any other gods?
My motto in life is, 'If you wanna be somebody and you wanna go somewhere, you better wake up and pay attention'.

INTERVIEWER: (O.S)
Is that a motto you came up with Jason?

JASON:
Yep. Well no...I do live by it though.

INTERVIEWER: (O.S)
Whose motto is it?

JASON:
Whoopi Goldberg's from 'Sister Act 2, Back in the Habit'.

FADE IN:
SCENE 3.INT.GRANDMA'S LIVING ROOM.DAY

JOHNSON, AN EARLY THIRTIES POSH BOY IS READING THROUGH HIS SCRIPT WITH HIS GRANDMA

NARRATOR: (V.O)
Johnson is reading through a script with his Grandma
JOHNSON:
Listen you little bitch. Don't play around with the Santana brothers. This is your first and final warning. Pay up or you'll be in trouble you little...

GRANDMA:
I'm not listening to you, you dick splash. I'm sick of your gang driving kind folk like us out of business. Today, we make a stand!

GRANDMA SMACKS JOHNSON ROUND THE FACE.

JOHNSON:
For Pete's sake grandma! That's not scripted. What if I had a face audition coming up? I can't turn up with black eyes or bruised testicles? I would have to say I was mugged by black people or something.
[To Crew] More believable me saying black people. You hardly get them round here. So, it would be more believable to the Police... or the 'Fuzz' if you like. Pigs as well. Yeah pigs.
I'm not saying all black people attack without warning, but, a hefty percentage do... I've heard anyway. I'm not a racist.
I like loads of black things. Erm...socks, T-shirts, coal, black coffee and two brown sugars, loads. So...right, what's next?

FADE IN:

SCENE 4.INT.JOHNSON'S KITCHEN.DAY.
[TALKING HEAD]

JOHNSON:
I see grandma as my wing man. She is my Goose and I am her Top...Gun, her Tom Cruise. Meaning, She see's what I can't, tells me where I'm going wrong and will shoot down anyone who stands in my way. Even innocent civilians. Children. The lot.
She once shot a lost Nazi paratrooper in World War 2. Shot him in a field. Shot him right in the head. She also shot one of his arms off. Don't know why she did that.
...Sadly, it turned out to be the neighbour's elderly uncle on his way to a fancy dress party in the next town. Never saw it coming.
In grandma's defence, she hated him.

FADE IN:

SCENE 5.INT.DANCE STUDIO.DAY

JESS, AN EARLY TWENTIES CHILDISH GIRL IS IN PRACTICE WITH HER DANCE TROOP. SHE IS A VERY POOR DANCER

JESS: (V.O)
Whenever I'm in free flow I come alive. The condition that is Limelightism drives me to my ultimate goal of super stardom. Some of the other dancers say my feet are too massive, but, that's just the side effects of the orange pills.
My mum says that my huge feet are a bonus, and if I wanted to be, then I could be the world's greatest balancer.

SCENE 6.INT.JESS' BEDROOM.DAY
[TALKING HEAD]

JESS IS BEING INTERVIEWED ABOUT FAME AND FORTUNE

JESS:
[To Someone off Camera] Can someone peel my orange?
Is orange a vegetable? Katie ask me and I didn't know.
When I was smaller, people around me looked bigger. But now, everyone is equal. Well, apart from children, Dwarfs, dogs, cats and hobbits. Oh and guinepigs. They're all weird things aren't they?

See, I don't feel like I'm an equal. I'm better than equal. I'm about three quarters better then most people. I'm better than Barbara at the chippy or Susan on the checkout.
...Yeah my mum likes it on the checkout, but it's not for me.
I want to dance. I would dance on my grandma's grave to get what I want... and with mucky shoes on... not with dog shit shoes though. She wouldn't like that.
...the sad thing is, is that she isn't even dead yet. Keeps hanging on.

FADE IN:

SCENE 7.INT. JASON'S KITCHEN.DAY

JASON IS WALKING AROUND THE KITCHEN IN A SILKY DRESSING GOWN AND FLUFFY SLIPPERS

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Jason is reflecting on last night's performance. He has had some good news about an audition in London.

JASON:
[Singing]'I'm bloody great. I want the world to know, that I'm flipping great. God, my head feels like it's been gang banged by an amateur rugby league team.
Wasn't the show last night amazing? It was a shame that some people had to leave early though. I do know for a fact that they left cos they were star struck. But, I'm just a normal person. I'm still one of them. Down to earth and that. Well, I say that. There are a lot of freaks and dregs that go in the club. Some reek of crap too.

INTERVIEWER: (O.S)
I hear that you've had some news about an audition in London?

JASON: (Screams)
Yes I have baby cakes. Baby snakes. (Singing) Today this could be, the greatest day of my life. What a great chance for Jason. I've made it. I've really made it now.

I haven't felt like this in ages. I feel wonderful. I feel like I'm 13 years old again, living back in my She-Ra, Secret of the Sword Wendy house.
Yeah, I actually lived in a Wendy house.....granted my dad did make me cos he said; I should know what its like to run my own house. Said, I didn't have a clue about bills and water rates.
He set fire to it in the end and did a wee on it. The sad thing is, is that, I wasn't even insured.

JASON'S DAD ENTERS

JASON:
Hiya dad. Wanna cup a tea? That's a nice dressing gown... Did you find it in a bin or summat?
Oh I'm funny me.
I've got an audition dad. You're looking at the next Steven Seagal. For the honour of Grayskull! I am She-Ra!

JASON PICKS UP A COUPLE OF KNIVES AND PRETENDS TO USE THEM ON AN INVISIBLE BAD GUY. DAD JUST LEAVES THE KITCHEN SHAKING HIS HEAD

Having read through a couple of times I thought there were some good bits in it but soon became bogged down by the charecters themselves. They seem very similar in their Nievity and Stupidity. Although one wants to sing, one act and one dance there is little else to differenciate one from tother. Jess, Jason and Johnson? I love the fact that you mention Batley but they would have probably paid Jason off after song 2. (just my little joke), after all it is the centre of the universe, (a very small one admittedly). Hope this helps.

Thanks very much for your feedback. I was born in Batley and they would have defo paid him off or just glassed him.

I agree with the characters in their similarities, I do need to work on that area. This is my first script so I'm still finding my feet and hopefully my next script will be a step up from this.

Thanks for your time.

I know you've probably done it on purpose, but I'd give each character very different names, makes it easier for the reader/viewer. All the names being so similar makes it quite hard to keep track of who's who.

Yeah I've thought of that. I can change the names no probs. Any other feedback from your kind self?

Best not, I don't write comedy, and no one wants critique from people like that. I'll leave it to the experts.