Laughing Stock Fail

First two scenes.
Looking back at it now, nowhere near as funny as I thought it was at the time of writing. Never mind

SCENE 1.INT.KITCHEN - NIGHT

DARREN is in the kitchen wearing a uniform shirt and tie,
SALLY is ironing his uniform trousers, KEVIN is sat at the
table eating his dinner.

SALLY
There you go, love, put those on

DARREN puts on the trousers.

SALLY
Oh you do look handsome in a
uniform Darren
DARREN
Thanks, Mum

SALLY
Put your shoes on then, love.

KEVIN
Remember, Daz, keep an eye out
for anything worth having.

SALLY
(sharp tone)
Kevin! Your brother is not going
to throw away a perfectly good
job just to line your grubby
little pockets

KEVIN
I'm just saying we could all make
a couple of quid if he plays
clever

SALLY
Brilliant idea, Kevin, that's the
kind of creative thinking that
put your father where he is. Now,
Darren, have you got everything
you need?

DARREN
Think so, Mum

SALLY pulls a large bag from the fridge

SALLY
I packed you up a couple of bits
to eat on your break. I expect
you'll be on your feet all night,
chasing down criminals and what
not.

KEVIN
He's starting at a security job,
Mum, not the bloody FBI

SALLY
You can't be too careful. Make
sure you listen to your
supervisor and keep your head
down while you learn the ropes.

KEVIN
(quiet)
That should take a while.

SALLY
Right, what time does your shift
start?

DARREN
Six

SALLY
But it's ten to six now

DARREN
So I've got another ten minutes
before I have to go

SALLY
(patiently)
No Son, you're supposed to be at
work at six, earlier, preferably,
on your first night. Kevin!

KEVIN
What?

SALLY
You're going to have to drop your
brother off at work

KEVIN
Whatever

SALLY
Get those bloody phones out of
the house while you're at it.

SALLY hugs DARREN and kisses him on the cheek

SALLY
Have a nice shift love, phone me
on your break, oh and put your
best coat on.

CUT TO:

SCENE 2.EXT.FACTORY - NIGHT
DARREN gets out of a boy racer style car, loud music
thumps from the car and it speeds away noisily. DARREN
walks down to the main entrance and peers in through the
glass doors, he is wearing a hooded top. STAN is
approaching tactically, dashing from shadow to shadow, he
appears stealthily beside DARREN.

STAN
Good Evening

DARREN is startled and turns to face STAN

STAN
Planning on robbing the place are
we?

DARREN
No

STAN
So you're loitering then?

DARREN
No, I'm Darren

STAN
Don't try to be clever with me,
sonny. You might think this place
is a soft target but you're
sorely mistaken

STAN points to a security camera above the door

STAN
There are eyes everywhere and
every door and window is firmly
secured

DARREN
So how do I get in?

STAN
You don't lad, not while I'm
around

DARREN
But I can't stand here all night

STAN
Too right you can't

DARREN
So when should I come back then?

STAN
You don't, not if you know what's
good for you, now off you go

DARREN
Will I still get paid?

STAN
That's between you and your,
*ahem*, employers, if you want a
regular wage you should get a
proper job

DARREN
So this isn't a proper job?

STAN
No it isn't lad. It's a menace to
the community and a burden to the
taxpayer. It gives my wife
sleepless nights and makes me
sick to my stomach

DARREN
What else is there to do?

STAN
Lot's of things, lad. Learn a
trade, get yourself a career that
doesn't involve hanging around
private property in the dark

DARREN
I suppose you're right

STAN
(smug)
Indeed

DARREN
So, what do I do with this
uniform then?

DARREN unzips his coat to reveal his uniform shirt, STAN
stares in disbelief

Darren's charecter is confusing me slightly. He doesn't seem to be stupid but doesn't know to be at work for Six. Seems petty I know. Sorry. Boyond that you know what the rest of the Charecters are about quite easily. I didnt't think it was a bad beginning.

Thanks, like I say looking back at the whole script, Darrens family are a nuisance. I had a lot of fun with Darren and his work colleagues but found when I tried to adapt it for Sitcom Mission that I was running out of ideas as I'd painted myself into a corner by sticking them on a night shift in an empty factory, hence why I wrote something else for that.

I might stick up the rest of the Security guys scenes but the rest of it isn't really worth bothering with.

All security scenes.

SCENE 4.INT.SECURITY OFFICE - NIGHT
JONESY is sat at the CCTV desk doing a crossword STAN and
DARREN enter

STAN
Mr Jones, were you aware that we
had a new man joining us tonight?

JONESY
Yes

STAN
And you didn't think to inform me

JONESY
I assumed you'd know

STAN
To assume, Mr Jones, is to make
an ass of you and me

JONESY
You and I

STAN
Pardon?

JONESY
You and I, you and me is bad
grammar

STAN
Yes, but for the purposes of the
quote it's you and me

JONESY
So to assume makes an ass of me
and you

STAN
No, you and me

JONESY
Isn't it the same thing?

STAN
Anyway, this is Darren, who
thanks to your lack of disclosure
and his own questionable
punctuality I mistakenly
identified as a potential
security threat

JONESY
Alright mate, nice to meet you
DARREN and JONESY shake hands

JONESY
How did you end up working here
then?

DARREN
My brother dropped me off

JONESY and STAN exchange a look

JONESY
No, I mean how did you get this
job?

DARREN
My mum went down the job centre

JONESY and STAN exchange another look

STAN
Well, now that the pleasantries
are over with I think we should
begin your induction

STAN retrieves a large folder from a shelf and sits at the
table, DARREN sits opposite

STAN
Right young man, do you have much
experience in security work?

DARREN
Yes

STAN
(pause)
Can you elaborate?

DARREN
No, but I'm sure I can learn

STAN
(sigh)
Can you give me an example of
security work that you've done

DARREN
My brother paid me ten pounds to
sleep in his car after he lost
his keys one night

STAN
I see, well I think we'll have to
do the full induction package
then

SCENE 6.INT.SECURITY OFFICE - NIGHT

STAN and DARREN are sat at the table, JONESY is sat
texting on his phone, STAN opens a folder to a specific
section

STAN
Duties and responsibilities. Now,
Mr Granger, we have a very
serious duty to protect this
building, it's contents and it's
inhabitants.

JONESY
Which is us

STAN
To do this we must be alert and
watchful at all times, sloppiness
and complacency are our greatest
enemies.

STAN produces a large building plan

STAN
We perform patrols every two
hours in random sectors, that way
our movements cannot be easily
anticipated by anyone watching

DARREN
Who would be watching us?

STAN
Anyone, lad, anyone at any time.
Vandals, thieves, gangs of
organized criminals....

JONESY
Zombies

STAN
zombies...this is a very serious
matter Mr Jones

JONESY
I know, last thing I want is my
brains being eaten by the undead
because I didn't alternate my
route to the vending machine

DARREN
Is he joking?

STAN
Yes

JONESY
We don't really have a vending
machine

STAN
See, Mr Granger, this is what I'm
talking about, Mr Jones thinks
that horseplay and
procrastination are the best use
of his time but I am a
professional. In the
Falklands....

JONESY
Here we go

STAN
I learned the hard way what can
happen when procedure isn't
followed, discipline isn't
maintained, rules are broken

JONESY
Yes, that being shot in the arse
is really embarrassing

STAN
I was not "shot in the arse" as
Mr Jones so crudely words it, an
Argentinian sniper attempted to
maim me and use me as bait to
draw my friends into his sights

JONESY
Slim pickings there then

STAN
However, I was able to determine
the direction the shot had come
from thanks to my training

JONESY
And the fact that he'd been shot
in the arse

STAN
And deployed a smoke grenade to
obscure the marksman's field of
view

DARREN
What happened next?

STAN
I was evacuated to the nearest
field hospital where I had
emergency surgery, it was touch
and go for a few days

DARREN
Did you pull through?

STAN
(long pause)
Er, yes, I eventually survived,
so let's get you familiarized
with the surveillance equipment

STAN moves over to the CCTV monitors

STAN
This is the surveillance station,
we have 5 monitors and 19 cameras covering the key areas both
inside the building and along the
perimeter

STAN moves to a black box on the desk in front of the
monitors

STAN
This is the control unit which
allows us to select which camera
we see on which monitor

STAN begins flicking through camera feeds on one of the
monitors

STAN
What we're looking for is
suspicious activity, anomalies,
signs of disturbance

DARREN
What about creepy old ladies?

STAN
What?

DARREN
There's a creepy old lady stood
in the lobby

STAN
Where?

DARREN
Monitor two

STAN
What on earth is she doing there?

DARREN
Maybe she's lost

STAN
Lost?

DARREN
Happens all the time, my Nan used
to wander out of the home in the
middle of the night then walk to
the petrol station in her bare
feet

STAN
Why?

DARREN
I think she forgot to put her
slippers on

STAN
I meant why the petrol..never
mind. How did she get in?

DARREN
The man in the petrol station
used to let her in. Nice bloke.
Used to make her tea while the
people from the home came to get
her

STAN
I meant how did this woman get in
here. I'm not concerned about
your grandmothers midnight
strolls. I'm more concerned about
this current situation. Is your
grandmother also a cat burglar?

DARREN
I doubt it

STAN
Then she is irrelevant

DARREN
No, she's just allergic

STAN shakes his head in irritation and moves over to the
PA system

DARREN
Why would someone burgle a cat?

JONESY
Who knows why anyone does
anything

STAN
Attention, old woman, you are
trespassing on private property,
please remain where you are and a
member of the security staff will
attend to you shortly. If you
have understood my instruction
then please raise your right
hand. (pause) She's not moving

JONESY
Maybe she's left handed

STAN
Can you take this seriously
please

JONESY
No, not really

DARREN
What do we do now Mr Dawson?

STAN
We must do our duty, Mr Granger,
we must go down there, find out
what this lady is doing on the
premises and deal with her
accordingly

JONESY
I don't think we've got enough
biscuits to spare

STAN
Mr Jones, you will monitor the
perpetrator and relay any
activity to us over the radio. Mr
Granger will accompany me in case
things get out of hand

JONESY
Are you sure you can manage her
yourselves?

STAN
There is nothing wrong in having
strength in numbers, Mr Jones. It
will allow us to more effectively
outflank and contain the threat

JONESY produces a very long metal security torch

JONESY
Here you go, she might put up a
bit of a struggle

STAN
Aren't we being a little
dramatic?

JONESY
Dramatic? I'm not the one
treating a little old lady like a
machine gun nest

STAN
Come along Mr Granger, it's time
to do our duty

SCENE 8.INT.CORRIDOR - NIGHT

STAN and DARREN patrol cautiously down a dimly lit
corridor towards the lobby

STAN
(into radio)
Mobile one to Control

JONESY
(over radio)
Yes, Stan?

STAN
Control, what have I told you
about giving out names over the
radio?

JONESY
Sorry....Mr Dawson...How can I
help

STAN
(sigh)
We're approaching the lobby now,
what is the status of the target?

JONESY
She's still stood there

STAN
Roger

JONESY
I thought you said no names over
the radio

STAN
Right, Mr Granger, Situation: an
elderly female, to be known as
hostile one, has breached
security and is currently static
in the main lobby. Mission: to
confine and control hostile one
and determine her intentions and
origin. Execution: you will
remain here while I move around
to the north corridor. Upon my
order you will approach the lobby
where we will outflank hostile
one and then react as the
situation dictates. Do you
understand?

DARREN stares blankly at STAN

STAN
Good, don't worry boy, I've never
lost a man under my command yet.
However there was the incident
with Toby.

DARREN
Toby?

STAN
No time for that now, just listen
to your radio and await my signal

STAN walks off towards the north corridor

JONESY
(Over radio)
Darren

DARREN
Hello?

JONESY
She's moving

DARREN
Where?

JONESY
Towards you

DARREN
I can't see anything

JONESY
She's about ten feet away from
you

DARREN
(into radio)
Mr Dawson?

JONESY
I can't see Stan on the cameras
anywhere, she's still moving
towards you

DARREN
I still can't see her (shouts) Mr
Dawson?

JONESY
She's right in front of you

DARREN
There's no-one here

The lights go out suddenly

DARREN
(into radio)
Jonesy? Mr Dawson?.....Roger?

There is a noise of an old lady cackling, Darren shrieks
then runs away

SCENE 10.INT.SECURITY OFFICE - NIGHT

DARREN is stood in the security office, he is clearly
distressed, JONESY is sat at the desk looking on his
laptop

JONESY
So you didn't see anything?

DARREN
No

JONESY
And you heard a, what was it, a
cackling noise?

DARREN
Yes

JONESY
I've heard this before, ah, here
we go

DARREN
Where's Mr Dawson?

JONESY
He'll be fine, according to this
website, this building's built on
the site of a mental hospital
that burnt down in 1932

DARREN
Burnt down, why?

JONESY
Turns out one of the patients,
Lady Margret Mountjoy, also known
as "Crazy Maggie" started the
fire, nine people died but Crazy
Maggie's body was never found

DARREN
Is there a picture?

JONESY
Conveniently enough, there is

DARREN
That's her, the old woman that
was stood in the lobby

JONESY
Hey, you don't think...?

STAN enters the security office

STAN
Mr Granger, where did you go? Why
is no-one answering the radio?

DARREN
Mr Dawson, you're alive?

STAN
Very much so, why wouldn't I be?

DARREN
I thought Crazy Maggie had got
you

STAN
What on earth is going on?

JONESY
It turns out, Mr Dawson, that
this building used to be a mental
hospital and one of the residents
is now haunting the corridors

STAN
Nonsense, there is no such thing
as ghosts

JONESY
Tell her that

DARREN and STAN turn around to see the old woman stood in
the doorway, she cackles and they both scream

SCENE 13.INT.SECURITY OFFICE - NIGHT

JONESY and DONNA are sat at the table laughing DARREN is
stood looking embarrassed STAN looks furious. DONNA is now
wearing her cleaners uniform

STAN
See, Mr Granger, this is the kind
of puerile behavior I have to
suffer on a regular basis. You
two should be ashamed of
yourselves, you're both worse
than adolescents

JONESY
Oh relax Stan, it's just a bit of
fun

DONNA
Did they teach you to retreat
like a scared girl in the Army,
Stan?

STAN
The British Army, young lady,
does not retreat, it
strategically withdraws from an
unfavorable situation

DONNA
Ooo errr!

JONESY
Are your boxer shorts feeling
particularly unfavorable now?

DONNA
Are you alright Darren? We're
only having a laugh

DARREN
Yeah I'm fine. Can I go on my
break, Mr Dawson. I promised my
mum I'd phone her

DARREN leaves the room. JONESY and DONNA look at each
other then laugh again

STAN
Don't you have any dirty floors
that need filth re-smearing
around them?

DONNA
I've got to sort out the trail of
bodily fluids you left on the way
to the fire exit first

STAN
Well I have a patrol to conduct.
I trust you pair of degenerates
have slaked your lust for
juvenile behavior.

STAN leaves the office

JONESY
(mimicking STAN)
you pair of degenerates!

DONNA
(mimicking)
Strategically withdraws from an
unfavorable blah blah blah

CUT TO:

INT.CORRIDOR-NIGHT

DARREN is talking on the phone STAN walks out of the
office

DARREN
No, Mum, you don't have to come
down...it's just a prank they
play on the new lads....yes it's
fine, everyone's been really
nice...love you too, Mum...bye
Mum...bye

DARREN hangs up

DARREN
That was my Mum

STAN
I was wondering

DARREN
What do I do now, Mr Dawson?

STAN
Well, you could go and join the
hyenas in the office or you could
come on a patrol with me and
learn a few things about being a
true security professional

DARREN
I'll come with you, if that's
alright?

STAN
Good man

DARREN
Mr Dawson?

STAN
Yes, lad?

DARREN
What did happen to Toby?

STAN
Ah. Toby. Take my advice lad. If
ever you find yourself working in
a sausage factory, never put in a
requisition for a German
Shepherd.

FADE TO:

END OF EPISODE