Hi, Only started writing in February and would be very happy for any pointers. It has already been noted that it's well over 15 mins....see, novice!
New Moon On Monday.
ACT I SCENE 1
INT. KITCHEN. DAY.
IT'S DUSK AND WE'RE IN AN OLD FASHIONED FARMHOUSE KITCHEN. THERE'S A HEAVY WOODEN TABLE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM, NONE OF THE 4 CHAIRS MATCH AND THERE'S A SOFA AND TV NEXT TO THE EXTERNAL KITCHEN DOOR GIVING IT A LIVING ROOM FEEL. THERE IS ONE OTHER DOOR OPPOSITE LEADING TO THE REST OF THE HOUSE. A MAN, LATE 30'S/EARLY 40'S IS SITTING IN FRONT OF A LAPTOP, HE'S SLUMPED, HEAD ON THE TABLE NEXT TO A STACK OF MAIL. HE'S TALKING INTO A MOBILE PHONE.
MIKE
Yes, I get it, no four syllable words (beat) and I'll refrain from (beat) yes, okay...
THE KITCHEN DOOR OPENS AND RUTH ENTERS WEARING A THICK WINTER COAT. SHE'S THE BETTER SIDE OF THIRTY, BUSTY AND FROM ESSEX.
RUTH
Cor! It's flicking cold out.
RUTH THROWS HER COAT AT THE SOFA, IT MISSES AND SHE LEAVES IT WHERE IT IS. SHE GIVES THE PRONE MIKE A KISS ON THE BACK OF THE HEAD.
MIKE
Okay then, thanks.
MIKE DISCONNECTS THE CALL AND SITS UPRIGHT.
You okay?
RUTH
Fine, you?
MIKE
Just hunky, the editor thinks if I'm to continue writing the horoscope I should actually attempt to get some kind of qualification in Astrocrapology or something.
RUTH PICKS UP GLOSSY MAGAZINE AND LEAFS THROUGH. SHE STARTS TO READ ALOUD.
RUTH
Aries - The new moon on Monday could lead you to treasure in plastic. Beware not to take to heart the words of others, they are eager to make a fool of you.
RUTH DROPS THE MAGAZINE AND LOOKS DIRECTLY AT MIKE
You wrote this after dropping your watch in the rubbish and chasing the bin men didn't you?
MIKE SHRUGS
Why'd you end up doing the horoscopes anyway? I thought your forte was reporting on men exploding after chilli eating contests and masquerading as an agony aunt.
MIKE
The girl that was doing it snapped
RUTH (CONCERNED)
Breakdown?
MIKE
Bungee jumping, ironic really.
RUTH
Quite amusing actually! We were doing our first aid training; I tell you the staff are worse than the clients. I'm black and blue.
MIKE
Huh?
RUTH (ACTING OUT)
Well, Dave, the cook, had to place me in the recovery position, you know, on the floor, face to one side, one arm on the chest the other straight up?(beat) the instructor had to point out three times that it needs to be my arms.
MIKE
Sounds like someone had fun!
RUTH
And Anne asked me if I was pregnant and when would I be bringing my monkey back again?
MIKE
Yes, nothing says you've let yourself go quite like having someone poke a banana at you.
RUTH
You did have that cave man look, I could do with a drink, wanna beer?
MIKE
No, I stopped drinking at lunchtime
RUTH
Deadline?
MIKE
Passed out.
RUTH
It can't be that bad can it?
MIKE
Yes it can, the horoscopes are a blessed relief from reading the letters from pubescent twenty year olds wanting 'Strict Suzie' to reassure them they aren't too small, too fat or too fudging ugly.
RUTH
Oh baby
MIKE STARTS FLICKING THROUGH THE PILE OF MAIL.
MIKE
Oh baby what? Come on, there's a limit to the amount of inane stories I can think up for people with the IQ of a currant bun, oh! Aliens' take over Liverpool, the PM is a vampire, posting a photo of your doodah on Facebook really makes you more fudging popular.
RUTH
You're doing it again.
MIKE
Doing what?
RUTH
Using the 'f' word, everyone knows what you mean and judging by the reaction of the vicar last week your enunciation needs some work.
MIKE
Hey, half of the letters here make Reservoir Dogs look like an episode of Dad's Army, the horoscopes revolve around our life and whatever crap falls into my head when I'm doing the ironing - and my agony aunt is about to recommend half the readership slam their genitalia in a hot George Foreman grill. (Beat) I'm just making a conscious effort not to turn in to Eminem.
RUTH
Look, you've said yourself this is just to pay the rent.
MIKE
I said it 2 years ago and it sure as hell isn't fooling me anymore.
RUTH
Or my mum.
MIKE
I've got to find something else, can you imagine what it's like listening to people whinge all day?
RUTH
No honey, I'm a social worker and I come home to you.
MIKE
Hey, I'm a work in progress.
RUTH PUTS HER ARMS AROUND MIKE'S SHOULDERS
RUTH
It'll work out. Want to go upstairs and play recovery position?
THERE'S A LOUD KNOCK ON THE KITCHEN DOOR AND IMMEDIATELY GAVIN, A UNIFORMED POLICEMAN, ENTERS.
MIKE
You okay bro?
GAVIN THROWS HIS TUNIC ON TO THE SOFA, KICKS RUTH'S COAT NEARER TO THE SOFA, APPROACHES THE TABLE HURRIEDLY, PULLS OUT A CHAIR, LAYS HIS HELMET ON THE TABLE AND SITS DOWN. MIKE FOLDS DOWN THE SCREEN ON HIS LAPTOP.
GAVIN(BREATHLESS)
Something terrible has happened!
RUTH TAKES A SEAT AT THE TABLE
RUTH
What's up?
GAVIN
You know I've been on those pills to help me stop smoking?
RUTH and MIKE
Yeah.
GAVIN
Okay (beat) I was getting ready for work, I took my pill at the same time as normal only to discover I'd actually taken the (beat) well the other little blue pill by the same manufacturer, (beat) don't these people think about this?
RUTH(GRINNING)
You mean...?
GAVIN
Yes, I'm on duty in 25 minutes and I'm packing a back up truncheon!
MIKE
On the plus side people will think you're happy at work.
RUTH
Mike that's not helping, Gavin couldn't you tape it up or something?
MIKE
Well he sure as hell isn't going to be taping it down!
GAVIN
Come on you two, isn't there like an antidote or something
MIKE
Marriage?
RUTH SLAPS MIKE LIGHTLY ON THE WRIST
RUTH
How about a cold shower?
GAVIN
Ruth, it's minus two outside and Mr Magoo is as snug as a bug in a rug down there. You've got to help.
RUTH
If you mean 'lend a hand' you know the answer and WHY have you named it?
GAVIN
It's a hangover from University.
RUTH
You what?
GAVIN
Let's just say the people I hung around with weren't enamoured with my taste in women.
RUTH
Which is?
GAVIN
Desperate! Drunk! (beat) Homeless!
MIKE
Nice image Gav. Couldn't you nip home quickly and, (Beat) you know; grab the balls by the horn.
RUTH
Do these tablets make you a one shot wonder or semi automatic, so to speak?
GAVIN (AGITATED)
I don't know, I've never used them before. I'll have to call in sick.
MIKE
May we listen to the call?
GAVIN
It's not funny.
MIKE
To you.
GAVIN
Oh God it's kicking in.
GAVIN CROSSES HIS LEGS AND UNTUCKS HIS SHIRT.
RUTH
Gavin just go home, everyone get's ill.
MIKE
Yes and if you consider how energetic your job can be, I'm sure they'll understand if you tell them you're a bit stiff.
GAVIN
Enough please. I'll see you guys tomorrow.
AS GAVIN IS PUSHING HIS CHAIR BACK FROM THE TABLE WHEN THE KITCHEN DOOR OPENS AND JANET ENTERS, AN OLDER VERSION OF RUTH, BUT SOUR FACED.
GAVIN GRABS HIS HELMET FROM THE TABLE AND HOLDS IT UPRIGHT ON HIS LAP WHILST SURREPTITIOUSLY SHUFFLING HIS CHAIR BACK TOWARD THE TABLE. HE REPLACES THE HELMET ON THE TABLE.
RUTH (SURPRISED)
Mum!
JANET
Hello love, how are you?
RUTH
Fine, what are you doing here?
JANET
We were just passing and thought we'd say hello.
RUTH
Dad's here too?
JANET
He's in the car listening to the football or something. Just leave him to it.
(BEAT)
Hello Gavin.
(DISDAINFUL)
Mike.
GAVIN
Mrs Barret.
MIKE (CHIRPILY)
Mum.
JANET
How many times have I told you Mike, Janet is fine.
MIKE
But Janet sounds so informal.
JANET
It'll do just fine, and on the subject of informal I am assuming you have the correct attire for this dinner dance I've been told about?
MIKE
Not yet but I'm getting there.
JANET
Mike, you're not letting my little girl down, if this isn't sorted by next weekend I'll be taking you out shopping and we won't be returning until I'm satisfied.
MIKE
I'd better pack a case then.
JANET (IGNORING MIKE)
Anyway Ruth, I told your dad about the dress and he insisted on popping over and seeing it.
RUTH
But Dad's in the car.
JANET (WAVES A HAND DISMISSIVELY)
Oh I'll tell him about it. What colour is it by the way?
RUTH
Emerald blue, don't suppose you'd like to see it would you?
JANET
Come on then, but I really don't think blue's your colour.
RUTH AND JANET EXIT INTO THE HOUSE
MIKE (CALLING AFTER THEM)
Bye MUM!
GAVIN
She really doesn't like you does she?
MIKE
She puts it on.
GAVIN
She's doing a good job (beat) and why do you still insist on calling her Mum? She hates it.
MIKE
Because if I we're to call her Mother I might forget where to stop. Anyway, could you please explain why you are using Viagra?
GAVIN CRINGES AND OPENS HIS MOUTH TO ANSWER WHEN THERE'S A VERY FAINT KNOCK ON THE DOOR. COLIN (ARTHUR DALEY CUM UNCLE ALBERT) POKES HIS HEAD IN.
COLIN
Hello son, I saw the lights go on upstairs, they looking at that dress?
MIKE
Yes Colin, come in.
COLIN ENTERS AND GINGERLY SHUTS THE DOOR. HE'S WEARING A TRILBY HAT THAT HE THROWS ONTO THE SOFA AND TOO KICKS RUTH'S COAT CLOSER.
COLIN
Any chance of a drink? She's had me round every bloody shop in Romford today.
MIKE GETS UP AND WALKS TO THE FRIDGE.
MIKE
Beer okay?
COLIN
Got anything a bit stiffer son?
MIKE (GESTURING AT GAVIN)
Only him. Sit yourself down Colin, they'll be a while.
MIKE OPENS THE FRIDGE DOOR, IT OPENS TOWARDS THE AUDIENCE SO AS HE BENDS DOWN TO GET THE BEER HE IS PARTLY OBSCURED.
COLIN
Hello Gav. What's up mate?
MIKE (LOUD)HA!
GAVIN CROSSES HIS LEGS UNDER THE TABLE.
GAVIN
Nothing much Mr. Barret, same old thing.
MIKE RETURNS TO THE TABLE CARRYING 3 SMALL BOTTLES OF LAGER, THE FRIDGE DOOR HASN'T SHUT PROPERLY AND HAS SWUNG OPEN, HE OPENS THEM HANDS THEM OVER AND PLACES THE BOTTLE OPENER ON THE TABLE THEN SLUMPS ON THE SOFA.
GAVIN TAKES A LONG DRINK, COLIN TAKES A LONGER ONE.
COLIN
You allowed to drink on duty son?
GAVIN
I'm not on duty now.
MIKE
I'm sure part of you is - you know what they say about coppers? Never really off the job, always ready for action.
GAVIN THROWS MIKE A DIRTY LOOK.
COLIN (REMINISCING)
I remember the days when the CID guys would drink in our local boozer. (beat) Right bastards they were, never knew where you stood with them, they'd flog you something one day and nick you the next for receiving stolen goods. (Beat) Good old days those...
GAVIN
Things have changed a lot since then Mr. Barret. Modern policing is all about trust and helpfulness in the community.
MIKE
In that case Gav, do me a favour and shut the fridge door would you?
GAVIN SLOWLY TURNS TO LOOK AT THE OPEN FRIDGE THEN EVEN SLOWER BACK AT MIKE, HIS EXPRESSION IS PLEADING FOR MERCY.
COLIN PLACES HIS BOTTLE ON THE TABLE WITH A BANG
COLIN
Don't worry son, I'll do it, could do with a swift one before heading home. Mike, Gavin, want another?
MIKE (RAISES A HAND)
I'm good thanks Colin.
GAVIN (RESIGNED)
Go on, can't see me going anywhere for a while.
GAVIN STARTS LEAFING ABSENTMINDEDLY THROUGH THE STACK OF MAIL. COLIN GETS 2 BEERS FROM THE FRIDGE.
GAVIN
Tell you what Mike, I don't half envy you at times.
MIKE
What do you mean?
GAVIN
Working for yourself, not tied to a desk.
MIKE
You're hardly tied to a desk yourself. Current situation aside.
GAVIN
Oh yeah, like being a policeman was my childhood dream.
MIKE (PUZZLED)
It was your childhood dream, if I remember correctly it was somewhere between joining the 'A' Team and being a cowboy! Do you know how long it took mum and dad to convince you that you couldn't be one of Charlie's Angels?
GAVIN (DEFENSIVE)
Said The Man From Atlantis! You know what I mean; you've a relatively easy ride.
MIKE
Easy ride? An easy ride?
MIKE GRABS AN ENVELOPE AT RANDOM RIPS IT OPEN AND HANDS IT TO GAVIN
Go on, read it out, they're pretty much all the same.
GAVIN HOLDS THE LETTER AT ARMS LENGTH AND SQUINTS.
GAVIN
Dear Suzie, last Sunday I was preparing a chicken for roasting when I suddenly became very arou...
GAVIN CONTINUES TO READ SILENTLY WHILST STILL MOVING HIS LIPS, PULLING THE LETTER CLOSER, HE'S GRIMACING OCCASIONALLY. HE PLACES A HAND OVER HIS MOUTH AND WITH THE OTHER SCREWS UP THE LETTER.
GAVIN (HORRIFIED)
That needs to be burned, as does the author!
COLIN RETURNS TO THE TABLE.
MIKE
That must have been a tame one.
GAVIN
You think?
MIKE
You haven't asked for a neat whiskey with a Diazepam chaser.
(DISPONDANT)
God! I was a published author at twenty and how many books have I written since then? None! Had all the aspirations in the world but none of the patience. Do you know I have written the first three or four chapters of thirty or forty books then I hit a wall.
COLIN
Writers block?
MIKE (STANDS AND WALKS AS HE TALKS)
No, laziness (beat) procrastination? I don't know? I just can't see anything through, that's why I'm inventing stories about men being kidnapped by Nubile Amazonian princesses and answering the letters from the ones that can't find a country called Nubile, Nubina or Nurovia! For God's sake half the readership couldn't locate New Zealand had it not been for Bilbo bloody Baggins! (beat) It's like dealing with a constant sense of failure because I can't stick with anything for too long before wondering what will happen if I jam my fingers in the light socket.
COLIN
You've stuck with Ruth son.
MIKE
Yeah, funny in a life where I consider myself a failure she can't seem to see it. She may regret that!
MIKE WALKS OVER TO THE TABLE BUT REMAINS STANDING.
COLIN
You know what I regret not doing son? (Beat) Danny La Rue.
GAVIN
What?
COLIN
Danny la Rue, He used to be at the Dorchester all the time, lovely gentleman, a really lovely gentleman. You know you'd get the likes of Frank Sinatra there, but they never had the time of day for someone like me.
MIKE
I'm really lost Colin.
COLIN
He wanted me to Buttle for him son. Every few months he'd stay at the 'D' and I'd be at his beck and call, maybe I'm just getting old but it seemed that in those days there was proper manners, etiquette, even if you did dress up like a peacock from time to time.
MIKE (SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE)
My point exactly! What the hell has happened? I'm not saying we need to live 'it's a wonderful life' but when did society get a lobotomy and become obsessed with sex and constant terror. It's like we're all dating Courtney Love?
GAVIN
It happened when we went online!
MIKE
Come on you can't blame the internet for everything.
GAVIN
I can blame it for tonight.
MIKE
You what? Oh never mind tell me later. Anyway Colin, why Danny La Rue, or should I say why not?
COLIN
Different days son.
MIKE
I don't get you?
COLIN
Come on son you're not that naive are you?
MIKE
It would appear so.
COLIN
I couldn't go and work for Mr. La Rue and...
COLIN LOOKS VERY UNCOMFORTABLE TRYING TO EXPLAIN.
well (beat) you know (beat) keep my reputation. The guys I used to hang around with wouldn't have (beat) well I don't know, 'understood' it. (beat) I mean them lads, they'd pop a crisp pound note in your top pocket just for emptying their ashtray, I was only a youngster but I knew my place and if I hadn't I'd've have been wearing concrete knee caps.
GAVIN RAISES A HAND, SHAKES HIS HEAD SLOWLY AND SLUMPING FORWARD PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS.
MIKE
Who, and what the hell are you talking about?
COLIN
Little Reggie and Ronnie!
GAVIN SITS BOLT UPRIGHT!
GAVIN
The?
COLIN(INTERRUPTING)
The lads, yeah!
MIKE
You're kidding aren't you?
COLIN
Would you like me to be?
MIKE
So you used to hang around with them?
COLIN
Still do son.
MIKE
Pardon?
COLIN
I still do in a sense.
MIKE
As in an 'I like to reminisce' sense?
COLIN
Nah, Janet! She's their second or third cousin or something. It was Reggie that introduced us.
MIKE
You're joking aren't you?
COLIN
Why do you think we're so happy you and Ruth are together? You've straightened that girl out good and proper.
MIKE
And it's taken you three years to tell me that?
COLIN
Thought Ruth would have done, son.
MIKE (AGITATED)
She's told me about everything. All the idiots she dated, the, the criminal element, oh, oh for the love of fudge donkeys I thought she was exaggerating a misspent youth not gearing up to take over South Ipswich!
GAVIN
Ha!
MIKE
Shut it!
COLIN
I rememb....
MIKE (INTERRUPTING)
Colin, I can't handle another one.
GAVIN WAVES HIS EMPTY BEER BOTTLE.
GAVIN
Then maybe Colin will get me and him one?
COLIN
Just a quick one then.
MIKE
Colin, that's three in as many minutes and you're driving Miss Crazy!
COLIN LEAVES THE TABLE AND WALKS TO THE FRIDGE.
COLIN
Don't worry son, she pays no attention to me, all I'm going to get on the way home is 'that dress won't suit her, she's losing weight, I think that Mike might be gay.'
MIKE
Well I was a damn sight 'gayer' before any of this got brought up. And besides 'scar boobs' will probably have more important things to talk about (beat) like whacking me for instance!
COLIN IS RETURNING WITH THE BEERS
COLIN
Mike, I like you son, but there IS a limit and I won't hear a bad word said about her.
MIKE
Is that because you're worried you might end wrapped in chicken wire propping up a flyover somewhere? Besides she got them out for viewing of her own accord.
COLIN TAKES A SEAT AND HANDS GAVIN A BEER.
GAVIN (SHAKING HIS HEAD)
That was my worst Christmas ever.
COLIN (DEFENSIVE)
They were a present.
MIKE
No Colin, a necklace or a watch or perfume is a present.
COLIN
Do you have any idea how much those things set me back?
GAVIN
I don't think that was the first thing we were thinking about when she removed her blouse and asked our Mum if she thought they looked perky enough?
MIKE
And the star jumps! (beat) oh God, why the star jumps?
GAVIN'S FIDGETING IS GETTING WORSE.
COLIN
You alright son?
GAVIN
Yes fine thanks, just a bit of cramp.
COLIN
Want me to give it a quick rub for you?
MIKE SNORTS.
GAVIN
No thanks Colin, It'll pass I'm sure.
MIKE
So Colin, just to get this straight in my own head, Ruth is (beat) for want of a better word (beat) 'The Goddaughter?'
COLIN
No, (Beat) yeah kind of I guess.
MIKE
Great, so not only do I have Elliot Ness here, but I'm living with Alison Capone!
GAVIN
Don't see why you're so worried Mike, there's nothing illegal about being related to someone.
MIKE
Oh this doesn't strike you as a little disconcerting?
GAVIN
No, I've known for ages.
MIKE
You what?
GAVIN
Ruth told me when you'd been seeing each other for a couple of months.
MIKE
Why?
GAVIN
Maybe she expected this kind of reaction from you?
MIKE
Really? Am I that predictable?
GAVIN
Let's just say you're prone to irrational outbursts.
GAVIN ADJUSTS HIS POSITION. HE'S STARTING TO LEAN SLIGHTLY FORWARDS.
MIKE
Like when?
GAVIN
Like when your laptop died!
MIKE
Oh come on, I lost a week's work!
GAVIN
Which you might have been able to recover if you hadn't taken it out to the garden; shot it, set fire to it and repeatedly ran over it with the car.
MIKE
I was destroying the hard drive.
GAVIN
You'd done the same thing the previous week with the vacuum cleaner?
RUTH O.O.V
You can pull as much as you want Mum, this isn't going on.
JANET O.O.V. (IRRITATED)
That new one doesn't suit you, now just come back here and let me zip you up.
COLIN
Blimey, right lads. I'll see you later.
COLIN LEAVES HURRIEDLY THROUGH THE BACK DOOR.
MIKE JUMPS FROM THE TABLE.
MIKE
He's left his bloody hat!
GAVIN
So?
MIKE
Would you like to drive back to Essex with the Sat Nav. whinging all the way?
MIKE GRABS THE HAT AND BOLTS THROUGH THE BACK DOOR.
GAVIN LOOKS AT THE CLOSED KITCHEN DOOR.
GAVIN MOVES HIS CHAIR OUT SLIGHTLY AND LOOKS DOWN.
GAVIN
Oh crap!
RUTH ENTERS FROM THE HOUSE; SHE'S WEARING A REVEALING BLACK DRESS THAT BARELY COVERS HER THIGHS. SHE'S DESPERATELY TRYING TO PULL IT DOWN FURTHER. IT'S NEARLY COMPLETELY UNZIPPED FROM HER RIGHT HIP TO HER RIGHT SHOULDER.
RUTH
Mike?
RUTH LOOKS AROUND THE KITCHEN.
RUTH
Where's Mike?
GAVIN
He just...
JANET ENTERS THE KITCHEN.
JANET
Where's Mike gone?
GAVIN
He just, erm, popped out to see Colin.
JANET SURVEYS THE EMPTY BEER BOTTLES ON THE TABLE.
JANET
They're not out there drinking are they?
GAVIN
No! Err. (beat) Mike wanted to find out the score.
JANET
Oh Fine, anyway get up and give me a hand with this dress.
GAVIN
Really I don't...
JANET
Gavin!
RUTH
Really Mum it won't do up.
JANET
Rubbish, we just need a strong pair of hands, come on Gavin.
GAVIN
Ok, erm. Ruth, if you stand here.
GAVIN MOTIONS TO HIS RIGHT AND EDGES HIS CHAIR AWAY FROM THE TABLE AND SLOWLY TURNS ON IT.
and Mrs Barret, if you could stand just there.
GAVIN MOTIONS TO JANET TO STAND BEHIND RUTH. ONCE THERE, GAVIN SLOWLY GETS TO HIS FEET, GAVIN HAS HIS BACK TO THE AUDIENCE, RUTH IS STANDING WITH ONE ARM IN THE AIR OFFERING THE OPEN ZIP TO GAVIN, JANET IS OBSCURED AS STANDING DIRECTLY BEHIND RUTH. RUTH IS LOOKING EVERWHERE EXCEPT AT GAVIN.
JANET
Ruth, keep still will you?
RUTH (ANNOYED AND SQUIRMING)
Mum, it's like trying to squeeze toothpaste back into the tube!
GAVIN
No Ruth, seriously please try and stay still, this dress feels like it's made of crepe paper.
THE DRESS RIPS AND COMES AWAY IN HIS HANDS, GAVIN STUMBLES TWO STEPS BACKWARDS DROPPING THE DRESS. RUTH IS LEFT STANDING IN HER UNDERWEAR. RUTH BOLTS BACK INTO THE HOUSE LEAVING JANET STARING DIRECTLY AT GAVIN.
JANET (REMINISCING)
I remember when I had that effect on men.
GAVIN GRABS HIS HELMET AND COVERS HIS CROTCH WITH IT.
MIKE ENTERS
MIKE (DISPARING)
Oh God!
GAVIN AMBLES TO THE SOFA AND COLLECTS HIS TUNIC, HE FOLDS IT OVER HIS LEFT ARM AND HOLDS IT OVER HIS LOWER TORSO, AND PLACES HIS HELMET ON HIS HEAD. HE WALKS PAST MIKE WHO IS STILL BY THE DOOR.
MIKE
You okay?
GAVIN
Just fine (beat) I'm off home (beat) going to watch some questionable TV and slip into a warm bath or something (beat) possibly a coma!
GAVIN LEAVES.
MIKE (CLAPS HIS HANDS ONE)
So (beat) when are we off shopping?
BLACK-OUT
ACT 1 SCENE II
INT. KITCHEN. NIGHT
MIKE AND RUTH ARE LAYING ON THE SOFA TOP TO TAIL, CLOTHED BUT IN THEIR DRESSING GOWNS. THE TV IS ON BUT MUTED AND THE KITCHEN LIGHTS ARE DIMMED. RUTH IS ON THE PHONE.
RUTH
Love you too. Night.
RUTH DISCONNECTS THE CALL.
MIKE
They alright?
RUTH
Yeah, they just got back, dad says thanks.
MIKE
Look I'm sorry! Who'd have known your mum carried a breathalyser in her handbag? A shotgun or knuckle dusters I could understand.
RUTH
Still, thank God he was under the limit.
MIKE
Indeed.
RUTH
See? You do care.
MIKE
Yes, let's go with that and not that they would have had to spend the night otherwise!
RUTH
Anyway, what are you going to do?
MIKE
Do about what?
RUTH
Work, you were ready to pack it all in.
MIKE
Hey, it pays the bills and beats marrying into the Mob.
RUTH (HURT)
So that doesn't appeal to you?
MIKE
What?
RUTH
Us getting married?
MIKE
I didn't mean that, come on honey; at times your mum makes Medusa look like someone you'd want to pat on the head and have a staring contest with.
RUTH
I can't change her Mike, (beat) so you would only marry me because you feel threatened into it?
MIKE
Of course not.
RUTH
Okay (beat) I would've taken it though.
MIKE
You're not going to have to, cos be it Mafia, raffia or err (beat) err (beat) sorry I've rhymed myself into a corner there. None of this is going to change what we have, I love you. We'll get there. I just wish work wasn't so damn depressing at times.
RUTH
You want cheering up then?
MIKE
Erm, okay. . .
RUTH (CLIMBS CATLIKE ON MIKE)
Cool, you and my Mum are going shopping next week.
MIKE
Thanks hon.!
RUTH (PATS MIKE ON THE LEG)
Pleasure darling. I'm hungry.
MIKE
What do you fancy?
RUTH
Don't really know. Pizza?
MIKE (PERKING UP)
Any idea how long it takes those tablets to wear off?
RUTH
What the Viagra?
MIKE
Yeah
RUTH
No idea, a few hours maybe, why?
MIKE
I was thinking of calling Gavin to see if he's still up?
RUTH
Come on Mike, stop being cruel
MIKE
I'm not being cruel, if I was, I'd order him a pizza too, tell the delivery guy he's hard of hearing and not to give up knocking until he answers the door. (beat) Then I'd jump in the car and watch the whole thing unfold.
RUTH JUMPS OFF THE SOFA.
RUTH
I'll grab the menu and make the call. You warm up the car.
The End
