You have to tell your story in 15 minutes - that itself is the skill and the challenge.
My Failure Page 2
Fifteen minutes is a bloody long time.
The main thing is - it was funny. Probably the funniest of the failures that I have read so far. I do think that perhaps it needed a scene change half way through, but it is worth persevering with.
Thanks for that Shirl, I think that it is obvious that I got the format wrong, I have admitted to that already.
Fifteen minutes is a long time and you could cram in more depth & gravitas, but if I was being totally honest I don't want too.
I don't want to replicate cosy formats or adhere to Oxbridge multi level gags designed to create whimsical titters.
I clearly put in a few too many descriptions, and my grammar is crap, but I was trying to write comedy, not the adventures of 'Captain Colon' & his side kick 'Semi'.
I just like stupid funny, everyday funny bereft of grand concepts or dream sequences, it may not be everyone's cup of tea in content, and to that end I would love to hear criticism.
But the endless debate about the grammar etc is not really what I'm after, I have taken it on board and I will be better for it, but if you could give me any pointers negative or positive on the content I would be over the moon as I see your opinions as being important.
"You're not a Serbo Croat are you?"
"Did I hell we cater for anyone in here including Glaswegians"
(Wary once he hears the mans accent)
"You did say THREE, not FREE didn't you?"
handicapped, (Disabled,surely?)
Hi, sorry but unless your real name is Jim Davidson and we're all living back in the 1970's, this needs looking at again. Sorry! Bit of a weak curate's egg. But, we're all learning and it's just my 'Scottish"opinion. 
Fair point, but if I would have been allowed to expand you would have seen Doug was 50 and people of that age do often go a tad corny, that's why I did it.
As for the Curates Egg, that seems a radical description, have you just made it up?
Hi Teddy,
I think you can definitely "write funny", so have more faith in that. There are some really good lines in here, and several others which will polish up even more with further editing. You've had lots of good advice already, and I won't bang on about the overuse of actor directions, which totally disrupt the script's flow for a reader. (Actually, I think you should take a lot of encouragement from the fact that people are still enjoying your script in spite of that, which is really saying something.)
What I would suggest is that you focus more attention on the story and structure, as well as the character interaction (I would definitely use the great family tie-in suggestion from Def) People talk about the beginning, middle and end of the story in all writing, and the inciting incident - which happens early on, drives the story forwards, and gets resolved at the end.
Obviously you know your script a lot better than me, but on one read through what I got was...
Beginning: Evan wants to get a job in Doug's greasy spoon cafe. (I couldn't really get a sense of the inciting incident but maybe that's just me being rubbish!)
Middle: Evan gets the job easily but you wonder why he takes it/ stays when Doug is so dodgy and opinionated, and the cafe's a bit crap.
End: Evan kind of disappears and Doug plays out a finale with the bread man instead. (While amusing, this doesn't resolve anything set up in the beginning of the story.)
I laughed in loads of places in your script, but the overall feel was more like an extended sketch to me, because it felt like the story/ structure wasn't nailed down. I think once you have the story structure in place, the comedy will also flow more organically - ie. through the character's actions/ interactions/ conflicts, rather than just setting up one-liners for Doug to bat back.
I hope this is helpful and doesn't sound picky. It's not meant that way at all. And I'm an amateur too, so it's just my opinion. I think your script has lots of potential, and the great news is that structure/ layout and all of that stuff can be learned... whereas being naturally funny... you either are or you aren't. And I think you are. So, good luck!
Thanks for that Word Girl, to be honest it is a thirty minute script that I just cut off at the breadmans exit.
The idea is that Evan and his mates from Uni help Doug do the place up as a modern coffee shop.
They provide everything in the way of expertise in accounting, design even the ceramics and the Dirty Count is roped in to steal the materials off the site unbeknown to Evan & the nerds.
Dougs wife and the toy boy want the building sold as they get 89% of the sale but nothing of the business if it becomes successful.
I saw treachery double dealing building inspectors and general anarchy alongside colourful characters and a large dollop of almost slapstick, I just like that type of format.
Aaah... well that explains a lot. Chopping it in half though - did you think they wouldn't notice?!?! Sounds like a fun script. Good luck with the next version.
Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ March 17 2011, 8:59 PM GMTThanks for that Word Girl, to be honest it is a thirty minute script that I just cut off at the breadmans exit.
The idea is that Evan and his mates from Uni help Doug do the place up as a modern coffee shop.
They provide everything in the way of expertise in accounting, design even the ceramics and the Dirty Count is roped in to steal the materials off the site unbeknown to Evan & the nerds.
Dougs wife and the toy boy want the building sold as they get 89% of the sale but nothing of the business if it becomes successful.
I saw treachery double dealing building inspectors and general anarchy alongside colourful characters and a large dollop of almost slapstick, I just like that type of format.
That sounds brilliant
Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ March 17 2011, 8:02 PM GMTI clearly put in a few too many descriptions, and my grammar is crap, but I was trying to write comedy, not the adventures of 'Captain Colon' & his side kick 'Semi'.
I just like stupid funny, everyday funny bereft of grand concepts or dream sequences, it may not be everyone's cup of tea in content, and to that end I would love to hear criticism.
But the endless debate about the grammar etc is not really what I'm after, I have taken it on board and I will be better for it, but if you could give me any pointers negative or positive on the content I would be over the moon as I see your opinions as being important.
You are kinda making it hard to critique you with this kinda schtick Teddy, but if my comments about your stage directions were too much please accept my apologies. Professor Lord Jason Bacon of Stage Directions Emeritus Cantab and the Blessed Isles etc,
Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ March 17 2011, 8:28 PM GMTFair point, but if I would have been allowed to expand you would have seen Doug was 50 and people of that age do often go a tad corny, that's why I did it.
As for the Curates Egg, that seems a radical description, have you just made it up?
Hi Teddy, A curate's egg: a thing that is partly good and partly bad...In my opinion. Best of luck in the future.
Marc I am not I offended nor am I attempting to offend, I wrote four sitcoms in two weeks to enter this comp and I fully understand that you were right about the over use of description.
That side I can work on, what I am after is a review of the actual content to assess if it is funny.
I fully understand that comedy is subjective so I don't want to continue in the same style if I am working on a 2% of the market, that would be egotistical and foolish.
Buster I'm sorry if I offended you, I can assure you that I am not a racist or a person who takes cheap digs at the disabled.
The character I attempted to create was a fifty year old man not an early twenties Primrose Hill Human Rights solicitor, as such I thought that Dougs mindset and views were in sync with that type character.
As for the plastic elbows, I find that funny not offensive as I don't even think you can have plastic elbows procedures.
I have to stress I am not offended nor is it my intention to offend.
I just need feedback on the content, the rest is doable as I will take time to polish it up, I just want my actual comedy broken down.
If its a fair point I will accede it, if its a swipe I'll swipe back, as long as everything is within reason then what were are talking about is a a discussion, and that has to be a good thing.
Buster on the curates egg thing, that was an attempt at irony, you said some of the stuff I had written was dated which is fair enough, but to then use an 19th Century expression to highlight it, I thought was ironic.
Especially as the last time I heard that line was when Derek Nimmo told the Archdeacon that his gaiters were showing and the Lady Mayoress of Allbrightling on Sea nearly choked on one of little Fannys scones.
Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ March 18 2011, 6:49 AM GMTMarc I am not I offended nor am I attempting to offend, I wrote four sitcoms in two weeks to enter this comp and I fully understand that you were right about the over use of description.
That side I can work on, what I am after is a review of the actual content to assess if it is funny.
Hi Teddy, I would have advised to have worked on just one sitcom in the two weeks, but it's a bit late now. For me this didn't feel like a sitcom, regardless of the funny, it felt more like a sketch, a long staged sketch from something like the secret policeman's ball, and it didn't really work for me. Mainly because there was no narrative throughline, no logical narrative throughline anyway. The character seemed mainly there to facilitate banter whereby people talk of things past like the Dirty Count for example. Different characters walk on to engage in more banter with Doug. It's all very static and no business ot engage the audience as such - things happening. I don't quite understand Doug's motivations, goals objectives if you like in this. If it is such a shambolical cafe that people don't eat the food - why does he need help? As a consequence of this the characters all felt a little two dimensional, and their dialogue simply there to set up the gags, there wasn't an organic energy to the dialogue consequently.
Sorry to be negative about it, but as you say comedy is a very subjective business so I have tried to address elements of craft as to why I felt it funny or otherwise if that makes sense.
Good luck with this and the other three your working on.
Cheers
Marc