Here's the middle bit of my sitcomission entry if anyone could be bothered to read (I know there are a lot up now). Thus far we've established Finn is lazy, Maureen his Mam is overly mothering and a bit dim and his Dad is putting pressure on Finn to get a job and now insists on doing a practice job interview.
ARTHUR
Alright, do you have your CV?
FINN
(shouts)
Mam, grab my CV.
ARTHUR
Alright Mr. Dooley, why do you want to work here?
FINN
I don't.
ARTHUR
Finn, come on.
FINN
What's your company?
ARTHUR
Its Dooley and Co., window washers.
FINN
And what exactly would I be doing?
ARTHUR
Washing windows.
FINN
Like stained glass or what?
ARTHUR
Mostly regular windows but we do do the church's too so some stained glass yes.
FINN
And what's the pay like.
ARTHUR
You'd be getting minimum wage.
FINN
Well Mr. Dooley, I like the sound of your company. you're obviously reputable since you get the church's business but I'm afraid I'm not going to go with you.
ARTHUR
But you can't--
FINN
I'm sorry, you've failed the interview.
ARTHUR
Finn, would you stop this silliness.
FINN
I'm sorry I can't budge on this, not even for a relative.
ARTHUR
Finn! I'll smack the bloody ears off you if you carry on like this. Now, what experience do you have?
FINN
Well, I'm 19 and I'm a student.
ARTHUR
No you're not, you're a college dropout.
FINN
Will they know that?
ARTHUR
Well, they'll find out soon enough.
FINN
Well what am I if not a student?
ARTHUR
A bum is what you are.
FINN
I don't think I put bum on the CV.
ARTHUR
Listen, I know your experience is limited. But talk yourself up, embellish here and there you can get a job.
FINN
I should lie?
ARTHUR
No, don't lie. Just.. emphasise your strong points.
FINN
Well, I'm a strong swimmer.
ARTHUR
Why would you say that in an interview!?
FINN
If I wanted to be a life guard.
ARTHUR
But I told you this is for washing windows.
FINN
I don't have any window washing experience. And I don't want to wash windows anyways.
ARTHUR
Well, do you want to be a life guard?
FINN
No. I can't swim.
ARTHUR
But you just said--
FINN
I was lying to try to get the job.
ARTHUR
You can't just tell a flat out lie.
FINN
You said you had a window washing company.
ARTHUR
I was lying for the purposes of this interview.
FINN
Yeah, why do you think I was lying?
ARTHUR
Let's move onto your hobbies.
FINN
Alright finally.
FINN picks up the remote, turns the TV back on and relaxes in his chair. ARTHUR takes the remote and turns it back off.
ARTHUR
(sternly)
No. In the interview. So what are your interests or hobbies.
FINN
Are we forgetting what just happened?
ARTHUR
What do you mean?
FINN
Well, will they expect me to mention the swimming, now I've said I'm a strong swimmer?
ARTHUR
You can forget about swimming, what are your other hobbies.
FINN
I like watching TV... and reading... not really newspapers but some of the supplements.
ARTHUR
Anything else?
FINN
Watching movies.
ARTHUR
Anything a bit unusual?
FINN
Well I watched this weird Stephen Lynch film--
ARTHUR
I mean unusual hobbies!
FINN
Not really. Will they want me to be into weird shit?
ARTHUR
Not weird, just something else. Everyone watches TV.
FINN
Yeah, something we'll have in common.
ARTHUR
But you also have to set yourself apart from everyone else.
FINN
Could I not just pretend to have a limp or something?
ARTHUR
Is that going to be easier!? Pretending to have a limp everyday in work? Is that easier than talking about your interests.
FINN
You're right actually. Limp wouldn't work for the window washing. I'd need something more subtle, like Tourette's or something.
ARTHUR
Lets just talk about general interview techniques. You need to smile when you talk. Go on try it.
FINN smiles awkwardly.
FINN
(face contorted in smile)
What as I'm actually talking?
ARTHUR
No, just when you aren't talking smile all the time.
FINN sits there with his face contorted in a smile for a couple of seconds.
FINN
Jesus, this is hard.
ARTHUR
Just think of something that makes you happy.
FINN'S smile gradually turns to a frown.
ARTHUR
What's wrong now.
FINN
Well I was thinking about watching TV.
ARTHUR
And?
FINN
Well, it made me sad that I'm not watching TV right now.
ARTHUR
Okay forget that. Be confident and assertive but relax.
FINN looks confused by the instruction. FINN leans forward but sways gently from side to side.
FINN
Like this?
ARTHUR
No, sit back. Shoulders squared.
FINN starts looking at his shoulders and moves them around trying to 'square' them. FINN crosses his legs.
ARTHUR
Don't cross your legs.
FINN
What if I'm wearing a skirt?
ARTHUR
What!?
FINN
Actually, what if the interviewer's a woman?
ARTHUR
What do mean 'what if the interviewer's a woman'?
FINN
Should I do anything different? Talk about how she smells or anything?
ARTHUR
No, just be the same, be professional. Maybe try to show her you're open-minded.
FINN
So I do have to be different.
ARTHUR
The thing is in any interview you're trying to get the interviewer to like you, so any way you can do that. It could be finding a common interest, it could be an impressive CV. But you have to work out what kind of person they are and how can you get them to like you. You get me?
FINN
Yeah. So how do I get you to like me?
ARTHUR
Get a job.
FINN
Well we're in a bit of a catch 22 then aren't we because I don't want one.
End to follow tomorrow.
