Since Declan and Simon BEGGED ME to post it up in here 
Apologies to those of you that haven't followed the Sitcom Mission thread as a lot of this is going to be more than a bit obscure.
"The Adventures of Simon and Declan"
ACT I
Scene 1
SIMON sits at his computer sifting through script submissions. He is close to suicide. He opens a script entitled 'wheels of fire' and groans. DECLAN enters wearing a spotty dog costume and pushing a wheelchair containing a Jeremy Clarkson Effigy.
DECLAN
What are you reading now, Simon?
SIMON
The straw that broke the camels back
DECLAN
That's a rather shrewd title
SIMON
Why do we put ourselves through this?
DECLAN
For the money, Simon. The lovely, lovely money. Leave that for a bit and come and watch telly with me and Jezza
SIMON
Jezza?
Declan
Yeah, check this out!
DECLAN presses a button on the front of the Jeremy Clarkson Effigy
JEZZA
Power!
SIMON
Classy. We can't watch telly, remember what happened last time?
DECLAN
You mean when you fell asleep during the welding scene in Flashdance?
SIMON
No when I let you talk me into watching Hudson Hawk on Betamax
DECLAN
Respect the classix, Dawg!
There is a sound of commotion outside
SIMON
What now?
DECLAN
It'll be the underlings, I told you it was a bad idea waiting til 23:59 to send the email.
SIMON
That was payback for having to read 300 odd couple flat share scripts where the main characters are called Nick and David
DECLAN
Fair one.
Suddenly the door bursts open. A horde of none speaking zombies move slowly enough into the room for our heroes to continue their dialogue
SIMON
You've got to be kidding me
DECLAN
Woof! Woof, woof, woof!
SIMON
What are you doing?
DECLAN
Zombies don't attack dogs. Did you think I was only wearing this costume for a one off sight gag?
SIMON
Can you concentrate on our tediously inevitable doom?
Even more suddenly a Humvee crashes through the scenery running down several none speaking zombies. FUTURE DECLAN emerges from the drivers seat.
FUTURE DECLAN
Come with me if you want to live
SIMON
Oh come on!
DECLAN
Hat trick are going to lay an egg!
The HAT TRICK EXECUTIVE enters furious
HAT TRICK EXECUTIVE
What's going on? I give you an inch and you take a bloody mile!
DECLAN
The script, it's out of control!
FUTURE DECLAN
Come on, we don't have much time
SIMON
Hang on, where am I?
FUTURE DECLAN
You didn't make it, mate
SIMON
I told you! I told you a million times, don't. mention. the. prize. money.
FUTURE DECLAN steps down from the Humvee and grabs DECLAN
DECLAN
We have to...oh poo!
A paradox occurs which involves lots of prohibitively expensive special effects. The stage is flooded with white light and the cast disappears.
JEZZA
All we know is, he's called The Stig!
ACT II
Scene I
INT. TAVERN - NIGHT
London 1893. DECLAN, SIMON and the HAT TRICK EXECUTIVE re-materialize in a swirl of flashing blue lights. Customers are sat around a piano singing modern songs in a music hall style.
SIMON
That's going to sting
HAT TRICK EXECUTIVE
You bloody imbeciles!
DECLAN
How did we end up here?
The music hall bunch start a rendition of "What's my name?" by Rhianna. A LOVABLE STREET URCHIN enters with his faithful pooch SCAMP
SIMON
No! No way!
LOVABLE STREET URCHIN
Good morrow me fine fellows. How did such bizarre looking gentlemen as yourselves end up frequenting this establishment.
DECLAN
Stop! You're ruining us!
LOVABLE STREET URCHIN
But I still hasn't delivered me soliloquy!
DECLAN
The rules were clear, no animals, no kids.
LOVABLE STREET URCHIN
But I've been training Scamp up all week, he's dead good at tricks, watch.
SCAMP performs a display of perfectly co-ordinated tricks
SIMON
Just tell us how to get back to 2011.
LOVABLE STREET URCHIN
I knows just the gent to assist you in your quandry
DECLAN
We're finished!
Scene II
Ext. Street Night
SIMON, DECLAN, LOVABLE STREET URCHIN, SCAMP and an increasingly furious HAT TRICK EXECUTIVE turn into an alleyway. THE TARDIS stands before them.
DECLAN
(closes eyes)
Jesus wept!
THE TARDIS door opens and DAVID TENNANT steps out
SIMON
Look, Mr Hat Trick Executive, we can sort this out, I promise.
DAVID TENNANT
(bored voice)
Please state the nature of the temporal emergency.
DECLAN
We just need to get back to our own time, with as little CGI as possible.
DAVID TENNANT
That's not up to me, I just pull levers at random and spout nonsense until something happens
HAT TRICK EXECUTIVE
What are these clowns paying you?
DAVID TENNANT
Three hundred quid a line
SIMON
Hnngg!
HAT TRICK EXECUTIVE
Three hundred quid!!!
DAVID TENNANT
Yep!
SIMON
Please stop!
DAVID TENNANT
Step inside then, we'll get you back to your own time in yada, yada, yada. You know I couldn't be more disinterested
SIMON shudders and they all enter THE TARDIS
Act III
Scene I
INT. BIODOME - DAY
The Orb of Sanctuary 2534. THE TARDIS re-materializes in a lush and beautiful park. Genetically perfect human beings stroll amongst the grounds. SIMON, DECLAN and the HAT TRICK EXECUTIVE exit THE TARDIS which de-materilizes.
DECLAN
This isn't the office!
HAT TRICK EXECUTIVE
I knew this was a mistake. "Nurture young talent" you said "Next big thing" my arse!
A genetically perfect couple approach the group.
BUSHBABY
Welcome, travellers
STEPHENM
Yes, welcome to our paradise
SIMON
Look, we don't have much time and no money, we need to get back to 2011
STEPHENM
It sounds like you need to speak to The Orb
DECLAN
The Orb?
BUSHBABY
Yes, The Orb of Enlightenment, follow us.
HAT TRICK EXECUTIVE
This sounds expensive
Scene II
SIMON, DECLAN, BUSHBABY, STEPHENM and the HAT TRICK EXECUTIVE enter a large atrium. The ORB OF ENLIGHTENMENT a large golden ball of throbbing energy hovers in the middle of the room.
HAT TRICK EXECUTIVE
That's it, I've had enough!
DECLAN
Can't we just see what it's got to say? It's on the stage now, damage done.
ORB OF ENLIGHTENMENT
State your request, travellers.
SIMON
We wish to return to our own time.
ORB OF ENLIGHTENMENT
Step forward and I shall find your answer
SIMON steps towards the ORB OF ENLIGHTENMENT
ORB OF ENLIGHTENMENT
Behold! Your dreams!
A holographic 3D video sequence is projected in the middle of the stage, visualising the 1241 scripts SIMON has read.
HAT TRICK EXECUTIVE
I'm pulling the plug!
DECLAN
Wait, no!
The HAT TRICK EXECUTIVE pulls a contract from his inside pocket and tears it in half. The Atrium disappears and SIMON and DECLAN are left stood in their office. JEZZA and the Humvee are still there.
DECLAN
We're back!
SIMON
Thank Christ for that!
There is a ominous knock at the door and THE BALIFF enters
THE BALIFF
Good afternoon, gentlemen. I'm here on behalf of your creditors to collect some unpaid debts.
SIMON
What creditors?
THE BALIFF
Let's see. Mr Tennants agent, Hat Trick Productions, National car rental and the Wooton Basset dog agility club.
DECLAN
But we're broke!
THE BALIFF
Then I shall have to take your possessions. Starting with that computer
SIMON
Take it, please.
THE BALIFF
I'll be needing that costume as well
ACT IV
Scene I
INT. OFFICE - NIGHT
DECLAN, now wearing his Homer Simpson boxer shorts and a vest and SIMON are hammering a piece of wood over the hole in the wall. DECLANS phone rings and he answers it.
DECLAN
Hello? Oh hello James Parker of the Sitcom Trials. What? Do we want to help you judge the next series of Sitcom Trials? Hang on. I'll just ask Simon. It's James, he wants to know if we'll help him judge the next series of the Sitcom Trials.
SIMON
After what we've just been through? I'd rather eat glass!
DECLAN
I'm sorry James but he says it's a no. Okay, Bye!
SIMON
Well that's a bullet dodged. What do we do now?
DECLAN
Maybe we could have a go at writing messages for greeting cards
SIMON
You know, that sounds pretty safe
Suddenly, due to budgeting issues, a L reg Corsa crashes through the scenery. FUTURE SIMON and FUTURE DECLAN step out
FUTURE DECLAN
You did it guys, you changed our fate, we're free!
SIMON
And I made it
FUTURE SIMON
Too right you did buddy, put it there!
SIMON and FUTURE SIMON high five.
FUTURE DECLAN
No!
THE CAST dissapear in a pitiful puff of smoke
JEZZA
And on that bombshell, it's time to end the show, goodnight.
END