this is my failed sitcom "Elvis In Wonderland" (the original title was "old people f**king" - so this gives some more clue as to the contents, although not literally youll be pleased to hear) intrested to hear any thoughts about it, good and bad cos I know most people wouldnt like it ! might possibly offend a couple of people too - sorry ! I don't mind negative criticism tho. parts of it probably don't make much sense and should have got cut out (possibly the whole thing!). ah well it was fun to write
ELVIS IN WONDERLAND
EPISODE 46: A FISH OF MANY FINGERS
LIGHTS UP
INT - KITCHEN - NIGHT
A grubby, disgusting kitchen on the 36th floor of an inner city high rise. Probably has rats in it + smells of piss. In this surrounding sits SIR HENRY SAXE-COBURG GOTHA an ageing ex-aristocrat with terrible body odour problems now fallen on hard times , held up only by his walking stick. With him is GODBER WILKES-BOOTH his young protege , a bespectacled slightly overweight youth of about 25 in a tank top + smart trousers, looking like an overgrown schoolboy from the 1970s. On the floor sits a bundle of NEWSPAPERS with a sleeping old lady, PEG BULSARA lying underneath them, clutching a bottle of GIN.
GODBER is wearing a HELMET with a STICK SELLOTAPED to it , which has a half eaten FISH FINGER dangling down from it on a piece of string hanging tantalizingly close to his mouth. SIR HENRY is brandishing a CHILD's TOY CAP GUN.
SIR HENRY:
okay, Godber. this isnt going to hurt a bit. Youre providing a useful piece of research for the future of the human race. Now, Remind me what your mission is.
GODBER:
my mission is to liberate the recently discovered fish finger fossil from a devilish trap attached to my skull, using nothing but my mouth for guidance, Sir.
SIR HENRY:
no arms?
GODBER:
arms firmly behind my back, sir.
SIR HENRY:
Jolly good - no cheating and may God be with you - we're counting on you. Now on 3...1...2...3
on 3 SIR HENRY fires the CAP GUN.
BANG!
GODBER runs around in a frenzy and strains to get the fish finger in his mouth to the delight of SIR HENRY who claps and hollers in amusement.
SIR HENRY:
(bellows, like a posessed brian blessed)
Prudence, Godber ! Prudence, I say...
GODBER:
(wailing)
......I can almost reach it, sir henry !
SIR HENRY:
Reach ! Reach for it man ! Youve not got the backbone for it !
GODBER makes a concerted lunge for the FISH FINGER and falls head first into the wall, before lying crumpled on the floor. a strange half grin plastered on his face, GODBER then holds up the FISH FINGER, liberated.
GODBER:
(dazed)
I got it, sir.
SIR HENRY:
(overjoyed)
Bloody good, bloody jolly f**king fantabulously good. But the taste, Godber - how does it taste ?
GODBER takes a bite, chews it contentedly as if about to deliver some profound report on the taste of a fish finger.
GODBER:
it tastes like a 4 year old, mouldy fish finger found down the back of a sofa, sir.
SIR HENRY:
Fascinating Godber, absolutely fascinating. Can you imagine how we would have spent the evening if you hadn't found this fishy delight? Why I havent had as much fun since Prince Phillip and myself went out shooting the natives in Borneo back in 1946!
GODBER:
Indeed Sir Henry, it is a fine day for a man to feel as a fish. One can almost taste The water beneath his fleshy gills, gliding as a lark through purest summer skies before being killed, battered and pumped full of delicious chemicals.
SIR HENRY:
but..wait a minute...you caught it in your mouth didnt you ?
GODBER:
(sheepish)
well....the fish became detached from his berth on the stick during our titanic struggle on the floor. but...it ended up in my mouth
SIR HENRY sighs.
SIR HENRY:
dear god, boy. the whole point of the piece was whether you could get it using only your mouth. werent you paying attention?
GODBER:
(sheepish)
...sorry sir ..did my best
SIR HENRY:
(resigned)
no mind Godber, no mind. it was a valiant effort. seems only the gods would be capable of such an incredible feat...
SIR HENRY pokes GODBER violently with his walking stick.
SIR HENRY:
(threatening)
Now make me a hot plate of tinned spaghetti, you stupid little bastard.
GODBER:
yes, sir henry. Tinned Spaghetti. Right away, sir.
GODBER gets up meekly and fetches a tin of SPAGHETTI from the cupboard and begins to empty it into a bowl.
SIR HENRY:
you know, Godber - this zombie apocalypse deal isnt so bad, Indeed I havent felt as hopeful for the future since Adolf H became chancellor of Deutschland way back in '33! a whole new world of possibility !
GODBER:
yes sir, 1933 sir. Uber Alles.
SIR HENRY gets up, excited.
SIR HENRY:
you know what, old boy ? When this mess gets cleaned up, Im going to give those bastards in the government a damn good pranging about all of this ! buffoons, each and every one of them - even if they are my flesh and blood, one way or the other - why, I probably seen to most of their mothers in my courting days. gave them a bloody good rogering and no mistake.
GODBER:
a pranging sir, yes sir. Hit them where it hurts.
SIR HENRY:
right in the f**king sweaty dangling man bollocks - that'll sort the men from the boys and no mistake. just like my days in the R.A.F.
GODBER:
You were a pilot, sir ?
SIR HENRY:
no - I was the founding member of a west german terrorist organisation. Now wheres my sodding lunch, you c**t ?
GODBER picks up the loaf of bread.
GODBER:
would you like one slice or two with your spaghetti, sir ?
SIR HENRY:
One would be lonely without two's company Godber, you silly little man - have you no manners at all?.
Suddenly the pile of NEWSPAPERS begins to move and the shape of an OLD LADY appears out of it, looking like an extra from one of those laundry scenes in eastenders. A stereotypical soap opera drama prole. PEG sits in the trash , holding a half drunk bottle of bourbon in one hand and a half smoked cigarette in the other.
PEG:
Oh shut up will ya , Im trying to do me crossword.
SIR HENRY:
Ah Peg, so nice of you to join us for supper. And what pray tell, has one been occupied with this evening - reading schopenhauer, kant, hegel - or drinking oneself to death with a nice bottle of bourbon ?.
PEG gets up off the floor, dusting herself down.
PEG:
Shut up you old poofter ! Godber mines a cup of tea, love.
GODBER:
coming right up, peg. one lump or two ?
PEG sits down at the table across from SIR HENRY.
PEG:
oooh Godber, you shouldnt say things like that .... get me all excited
SIR HENRY groans
GODBER:
in your tea...
PEG:
I know what you meant, Godber. I'll have two good hard lumps please, and then hit me with a pint of your man milk
SIR HENRY:
Dear God woman, have you no shame?
PEG:
keep your trap shut, you shrivelled up old bastard.
GODBER pours PEG a cup of tea and puts it on the table along with SIR HENRY's spaghetii.
PEG:
cheers luv.
SIR HENRY:
thankyou, Godber. a fine plate of food indeed. Why, it reminds me of a meal I once ate with Larry Olivier and Dame Shirley Bassey before the old vic's production of "deep throat" back in 1973....But oh..never mind
GODBER:
Well, Im going into my room to write in my journal for a bit. More tea in the pot if you need it, Peg.
PEG:
oh, you know I will, big boy.
GODBER exits.
PEG:
so henry, want to hear me spit some of my new rhymes ?
SIR HENRY:
not when im eating, woman.
PEG starts rifling through a lined A4 pad.
PEG:
how about this one...
(reads from page)
word homie ,bust ya glock out, let these trife hoes know what us dogs about, we got the plans, yeah we got the beats, those bitches gonna shit when we hit the streets.
SIR HENRY:
(disinterested)
wonderful , just bloody wonderful. almost shakespearian.
PEG:
Will you be coming to my poetry slam meeting next wednesday, Henry? my man MC Toki is gonna spit some mad rhymes, this kid's shit is totally off the hook - like a young chuck d crossed with some of 'pac's later work, before he got popped like a bitch on the street.
SIR HENRY:
say it in english you delusional old bat. what the bloody hell kind of name is Toki anyway? - the man is clearly an immigrant
PEG:
Toki is one of the hottest new MC's in the game, dog. people such as Toki spit conscious rhymes, talking about real-life situations around the world, rappers like me are more personal; I make mood music, others talk about material things. The only real difference between us and grime MCs is the tempo we're spitting at.
SIR HENRY looks on blankly.
SIR HENRY:
(resigned)
its times like this im really starting to look forward to that fatal strokethat's going to end it all.
PEG:
well, don't let me stop you.
DOORBELL RINGS
SIR HENRY bangs the wall with his cane.
SIR HENRY:
(shouts)
Godber ! the door ! dear god, man
no answer. SIR HENRY looks miffed. DOORBELL rings again. and again. and again.
PEG:
guess youll just have to answer it yourself....wont that be a new experience for you ?
SIR HENRY:
anything for some peace and quiet. and don't you dare touch my spaghetti while im gone ! I've memorised the exact position of every single bloody strand of spaghetti on my plate, and if I find any one of them moved when I return, by God - I will gouge out your eyes and skullf**k you .
PEG:
looking forward to it.
SIR HENRY picks up his CAP GUN and loads some caps into it.
SIR HENRY:
Im going to blow this son of a bitches brains out...
SIR HENRY EXITS . PEG eats the spaghetti
SCENE 2
INT - LIVING ROOM
Somebody rings the door bell repeatedly. SIR HENRY stomps towards it then throws open the door in a violent rage. He is met by the beaming smile of a JEHOVA's WITNESS carrying a pile of pamphlets.
SIR HENRY violently grabs the finger of the JEHOVA's WITNESS
SIR HENRY:
(seething)
stop ringing the bloody doorbell or I will cut off your bloody finger and shove it up your bloody nose you bloody useless piece of bloody camel dung !
SIR HENRY drops the finger. a moment of confused silence. The JEHOVA's WITNESS just smiles as if nothing happened.
JEHOVA'S WITNESS:
Have you heard the news, brother ?
SIR HENRY:
What news ?
JEHOVA'S WITNESS:
He has risen !
SIR HENRY:
Who has ? Dracula ? what the bloody hell does he want ?
JEHOVA'S WITNESS:
no, our lord and saviour Jesus Christ.
SIR HENRY:
oh for Christ's sake.....why don't you people just f**k off
JEHOVA'S WITNESS:
dont say things like that you'll upset him.
SIR HENRY:
upset him? whats he gonna do, strike me down with a bolt of lightning ?
(shouts at the roof)
anytime youre ready you vicious little bastard ! see? nothing happened, nothing at all
JEHOVA's WITNESS:
hey, don't be talking like that, my friend. he is all around us, brother - he hear all and see all
SIR HENRY:
oh yeah? well I hope he can see and hear me closing this door on you ! goodbye !
the JEHOVA's WITNESS stops the door from closing.
JEHOVA's WITNESS:
Oh but he will, brother.
(shouts down the hallway)
come on out, J.C. and make yourself known to the unbeliever.
SIR HENRY looks on incredulous as a tall bearded hippy looking man walks towards him wearing a long white robe. this is JESUS.
JESUS:
greetings, my friend. I am Jesus . I come to you in peace. would you like a cookie?
JEHOVAS WITNESS:
(to SIR HENRY)
believe it brother - this man be the son of god. he returneth to bring joy to the worldeth and turn the darketh into light....eth. and he also makes some splendid after dinner treats.
JESUS leans in close to SIR HENRY.
JESUS:
so......any chance I could use your bathroom, buddy? dying for a slash.
SIR HENRY smiles devilishly.
SIR HENRY:
....do come in...
JESUS + the JEHOVAS WITNESS step into the living room. Just as they do so SIR HENRY gets out his CAP GUN and pistol whips the JEHOVA's WITNESS, knocking her out cold on the floor. JESUS turns round startled.
JESUS:
easy, brother - for we have come only in peace to spread a message of joy and goodwill to the people of the provinces. and I would also really like to use your bathroom.
SIR HENRY points the cap gun at JESUS.
SIR HENRY:
put your hands in the air and get up against the wall, God boy.
JESUS puts his hands up and backs towards the wall.
JESUS:
brother you misunderstand me...
SIR HENRY:
keep your trap shut. I don't know what you geeks were trying to pull here - but its not going to work - probably casing the joint for a later robbery, I suspect. what have you folks been piping up today anyway ? Angel dust?
JESUS:
no
SIR HENRY:
crack ?
JESUS:
no
SIR HENRY:
PCP ? Methamphetamine ? Ketamine ? Goofballs ?
JESUS:
no, no, no . what was the last one ?
SIR HENRY:
Goofballs ! I knew it. youre a goofball head If ive ever seen one !
(shouts)
GODBER, get out here at once - we have a tweaker in our midst !
no answer. SIR HENRY goes over and knocks GODBER's bedroom door while keeping the gun trained on JESUS.
SIR HENRY:
(shouts)
GODBER move your f**king tubby lard arse out here right this second ! we have an emergency situation! code red ! code red !
GODBER enters in a panic, removing some headphones from his ears.
GODBER:
(worried)
oh my god....is there something wrong with the spaghetti?
SIR HENRY:
spaghetti ? no - f**k the spaghetti. it was very tasty actually.
GODBER:
oh thank Christ.......
SIR HENRY:
whats the matter with you boy ? you going deaf or something? ive been calling you for the past five minutes
GODBER:
no I was uhh..I was...
(sheepish)
I was listening to my celine dion album again...
SIR HENRY:
oh, you rotten little bastard ! what have I told you about that ?
JESUS:
aaah...celine. Im a big fan. saw her on the '97 tour supporting the "lets talk about love" LP. still have a t shirt somewhere actually...put on a bloody good show. second only to Mannilow.
GODBER:
(to Jesus)
and you are ?
SIR HENRY:
(butts in)
this man claims to be the son of god.
GODBER:
oh......well this is exciting. pleased to meet you, sir.
JESUS:
likewise, friend. say, have you tried drinking ethical coffee ? its good for your circulation and its also good for the environment.
SIR HENRY:
(to Jesus)
shut up.
(to godber)
dont be fooled by the breezy laid back manner, Godber - this vicious son of a bitch and his accomplice here were planning to rob us so they can pawn our items to buy enough crack cocaine to feed every man woman and child in bolivia for the next six months - can you imagine ? but fortunately, I have thwarted their plans using nothing but the power of my own mind.
JESUS:
you also used that little gun....
SIR HENRY:
(to Jesus)
can it, ladyboy.
(to GODBER)
Godber, I think the accomplice is starting to stir. Put a cork in her
Godber goes over to the JEHOVA's WITNESS.
GODBER:
uh..I think she might be dead, sir
SIR HENRY:
oh, hell. well these things can't be avoided I suppose. Why, when I sent my men into battle at Goose Green, I knew there would be casualties, and by golly there was ! great days.
GODBER:
oh no wait, shes not dead, I was just being a c**t again.
JEHOVA's WITNESS:
(dazed)
what the hell happened ? where am I ?
GODBER:
im not completely sure to be honest. would you like some spaghetti ?
PEG enters
PEG:
Godber, you think you could run me a hot bath ? I think my toes are starting to go septic.
(sees JESUS)
oh ...my my.....what a handsome young man
JESUS:
Pleased to meet you ma'am. Im Jesus Christ.
PEG:
And I'm Marilyn Monroe. Why don't you come up to my room for some R + R?
SIR HENRY:
give it a rest, you drunken harlot . youre making a fool of yourself.
PEG:
(to JESUS)
You ever been to Bermuda ?
JESUS:
No, but I have been in a womens prison before
SIR HENRY:
just as I expected ! a no good filthy low down criminal. you make me sick ! Godber, Inform the police at once !
GODBER:
But....what if he is who he says he is, sir ?
SIR HENRY:
you believe this nonsense?
GODBER shrugs his shoulders
PEG:
(shrugs shoulders)
done any miracles recently, J.C ?
JESUS:
well, I might have magicked up some wine for a homeless man...but he did have a knife to my throat at the time.
PEG:
interesting. you got any Gin ?
SIR HENRY:
(shouts)
Silence ! ...
(to GODBER)
Godber, a plan is forming in my mind.
GODBER:
A plan, sir ?
SIR HENRY:
yes - a plan... we're going to sort out the saviour's from the savee's, the wheat from the chaff, the tommy cannon's from the bobby ball's, the douglas bader's from the mohammed atta's, the lady di's from the camilla parker bowles's . I could go on.
PEG:
(disinterested)
i think we get the picture, henry.
GODBER:
how are we going to do that, Sir ?
SIR HENRY paces the floor, plotting
SIR HENRY:
by submitting our friend here to the most devilishly difficult task in the entire universe...... The kind of incredible feat no mortal man could walk away from unharmed.....The kind of thing....yes...only the son of God would be capable of
an expectant hush . JESUS looks worried.
JESUS:
uhh....this isnt going to involve a bit of wood and some nails is it, lads ?
SIR HENRY:
(to Jesus)
Silence !
(to GODBER)
Godber...fetch me....the implement of destruction !
JESUS gulps
LIGHTS DOWN
SCENE 3:
INT - LIVING ROOM -
we begin still in the dark.
SIR HENRY:
okay, Jesus. this isnt going to hurt a bit. Youre providing a useful piece of research for the future of the human race. Now, Remind me what your mission is....
LIGHTS UP
JESUS is now wearing the FISH FINGER HELMET.
SIR HENRY, PEG ,GODBER stand around him expectantly. the JEHOVA's WITNESS is now tied to a chair.
JESUS:
my mission is to liberate the recently discovered fish finger fossil from a devilish trap attached to my skull, using nothing but my mouth for guidance ?
SIR HENRY:
absolutely right. Now, everybody ready ? on 3 ....
JEHOVA's WITNESS:
I have to go to the toilet
SIR HENRY:
keep your trap shut. Allright 1...2...3
SIR HENRY fires the CAP GUN
BANG !
JESUS throws himself around violently trying to get the fish finger in his mouth. SIR HENRY, PEG, GODBER and the JEHOVA's WITNESS whoop and holler and bang the floor excitedly, as if watching the most entertaining sports show ever.
GODBER:
Use the force, Jesus
PEG:
This is the greatest thing ive ever seen
SIR HENRY:
Reach for it you useless bastard ! Reach !
JESUS lunges forward , and with a mighty grasp catches the fish finger in his teeth, before landing in a heap on the floor. A gasp from the crowd.
SIR HENRY:
Jesus f**king Corbett.....he's done it !
JESUS rises to his feet triumphantly, chewing the fish finger.
JEHOVA's WITNESS:
Its a miracle !
SIR HENRY, PEG , GODBER fall to their knees around JESUS' feet.
SIR HENRY:
He has risen !
GODBER:
I knew it !
PEG:
Halle-f**kin-lujah
A LONE SPOTLIGHT shines on JESUS, illuminating him.
JESUS:
Now come, my brothers and sisters, and let us enjoy this afternoon's edition of "countdown", in particular the very attractive young woman they now have picking the numbers and letters in place of the sadly retired carol vorderman, and let us also remember dearly departed richard whitely, for whom a permanent replacement has yet to be found despite the best efforts of Lynam, O'connor and that other bloke whose name escapes me now.....
ALL:
(in unison)
Jeff Stelling.
JESUS:
Amen to Jeff
ALL get up.
SIR HENRY:
well, I can't argue with that. jolly good show. marvellous
PEG:
but..youre not really Jesus are you ?
JESUS:
no, im a plumber.
PAUSE
GODBER:
so......would you like some spaghetti, Jesus ?
LIGHTS DOWN
THE END.
