The Royal Tapes

Can people tell me what they think of this please. Its for a competition for Radio Five Live. Basically the sketch is and adaptation of a stand up routine. So I would like to know if it works or not. Its a little short, it runs to about two minutes(max is three minutes) and is very one sided but the core material is there.
Details of the competition are at http://www.bbc.co.uk/writersroom/opportunity/royal_tapes.shtml

JOHN:
You like the Royal family don't you Dave

DAVE:
Yeah

JOHN:
Well I respect your opinion. Its important to respect people's opinions isn't it?

DAVE:
Yes, i think so

JOHN:
Well I think the Royal family are useless annoying idiots and i'm glad you respect that.

DAVE:
What about their charity work and they pay taxes now.

JOHN:
Ah yes thats where the illegal immigrants are going wrong, if only they paid taxes and did some charity work then they would be respected memebers of the community.

DAVE:
What about the tourism, they bring alot of tourists to London

JOHN:
Yeah but they're mostly Americans. World War 2 was good for tourism but I don't anybody trying to start World War 3 to boost cemetary visits.

DAVE:
Except George Bush. One thing I will say is that its bad that a Catholic can't become King or Queen because it discriminates.

JOHN:
I know but a Catholic would not have time to be a member of the Royal family. Just think about the confessions they would have to make.

(talking a s himself)
Bless me Father for I have sinned. Last Friday I dressed up as a Nazi, on Wednesday I insulted orientals, yesterday I told my mistress I wanted to be a tampon in her virgina and today I organised a conspiracy to kill another member of the Royal Family in a car crash in Paris.

(talking as the priest)
That’s 10,00 Hail Marys and 20,000 Our Fathers.

(talikng as himself)
Oh no, not again.

DAVE:
You think too much John, one thing I will say is that I don't think the monarch should be head of the church because shes associated with the arguments for things like women priests and gay marriage.

JOHN:
I'm surprised that the Church aren't more open to gay marraige considering the head of the Church of England is a Queen.

DAVE:
Anyway, the Royal family do commit themselves to alot of good causes like organic food

JOHN:
How can Prince Charles bang on about things like genetically modified foods. His whole family is genectically modified therefore under his reasoning should be contained and not permitted to breed with any other memebers of the species.

DAVE:
Maybe thats why he married a horse

JOHN:
Maybe.

There were definitely some very good lines in there. Married a horse, Confessions and WW3 all good stuff.

The charity work -> imigrants bit didn't do anything for me. Seemed a bit off-topic and not as funny an idea as the rest.

And the Dave and John characters might be a bit too plain for Alistair McGowan's considerable talents. If you re-wrote them to say a French man and a patriotic Brit. arguing it might add another angle.

Anyway, good stuff. Have you sent it off yet or still drafting it?

Sounds a lot like conversations i have about the Royal Family.

I get the idea is a biggot. I can imagine that in other sketches he'd rant about immigration, and gay marriage/adoption is wrong, and stuff like that. But you seemed to have got them in. Though he isn't exactly negative to the gay thing here.

I thought the idea, and some of the lines were good. But as above i didn't think the extra stuff you put in fitted that great. I like his idea of the Brit and French rivalry thing going on though. Try that. Or young vs old.

Loved it AJP. My legs are crossed for you to win. Oh hold on, my man is offering me something, I will keep my fingers crossed instead.

Very good. I too liked War and horse lines.

Thanks for the comments they are very constructive. ShoePie your suggestion is very good can I nick it? I'll have to look at the extra stuff as I knew that some of the routine would not translate to a sketch. Thanks again.

Hi ajp. Yeah feel free to use the idea, good luck in the comp.

Hi Adam, there's some good stuff in your's in my opinion although I thought it jumped about a bit. There are also some typos (run it through a spelling checker, that should find 'em all!). I don't think the bit of dialogue starting 'Bless me father' will get through the Writersroom PC brigade so I personally would change it; Same with Dave's 'You think too much...' line. It's a bit wrong for me to be suggesting stuff though (I could be feeding you red herrings!) as I've just completed my own thing for the same comp and I'll be sending it off tomorrow! Assuming mine fails miserably I'll post it somewhere here when I've got another reject slip for my collection! Can't say anything much more about it yet as even mentioning the characters is a dead giveaway! Good fun though, innit! Anyway, very best of luck with yours. It'd be great if someone here got their efforts used.

Whoops, I put this in the wrong thread ... the referred to one instead of the referring one. I was wondering how this popped up in Critique again!

Ah the enemy within. Thanks Mike for you're comments they are extremelt useful.

P.S. I'll be downloading some software to hack into your computer and steal your idea so u may aswell tell me now

Hi Adam

Sorry this is a late critique, I know you've only got a week to get something in!

Your material is good and funny, but there are a couple of things that stand out. First thing's first, and the most obvious: nothing actually *happens* in your sketch. For some reason I imagined them in a car together (going to work or something). Maybe have one of the Royal family cut them up infuriating the driver and giving them cause to talk about the Royals in some respect. This is the main thing I thought was missing. Also, if you start with some action, end with some too (based on what they're talking about if possible).

Second, is that this is for Matthew Bannister's programme. He's on daily from 9am-12noon, so you'll have to be careful with some of your wording and maybe cut a few things. The following line:

"Last Friday I dressed up as a Nazi, on Wednesday I insulted orientals, yesterday I told my mistress I wanted to be a tampon in her virgina and today I organised a conspiracy to kill another member of the Royal Family in a car crash in Paris."

I don't think you'll get on five live at all regardless of time of day!

Your one-liners are good, but as you point out, they are way too 'stand-up' for a sketch.

Hope this helps

Dan

Thats a very good point Dan, I didn't realise what time it would be broadcast and your point about nothing happening is bang on the money. And the stand-up point is also right, I have to work more at translating stan-dup to written fore. Thanks, very useful as usual.

Liked it. I also wanted to point out there's another opportunity at BBC writers room: radio sketches for an up-and-coming (tee hee) show called Play and Record. Check the site for details.

Thanks Mike for the comment and for the info about Play and Record. I may send some stuff to there aswell. You can't be rejected too many times.

Quote: ajp29 @ June 7, 2007, 5:08 AM

yesterday I told my mistress I wanted to be a tampon in her virgina

View original

You might want to spell that correctly, if you want to be allowed near one some day.

I'm visiting Langley in Vagina next year and yes I am taking some tampons. Thanks Zooo